Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

World’s Greatest Dance Instructor

Reigning UvT Fantasy Football champion KCTheTruth shot me a hot video on Twitter yesterday. The art of assology is always evolving, but it is a science of observation. Assology was never designed to really be instructional. But I think I’ve found a partner who aligns with the spirit and principles of Assology. Her instructional video may be as important as any of the work I’ve done over the last few years. It’s truly remarkable and revolutionary. This is for the women of UvT. I expect you to be working at home and I’ll be asking you to submit homework videos showing your progress. On to the video. I’ll call it a low 3 on the UvT NSFW scale.

That’s right. She took a standard issue Asian booty (her words…not mine) and made it clap. Work from the core ladies and keep everything else relaxed. She’s really applying that science to it. This is about as unexpected as ass can get right there. I thought you either had it or you don’t. I’m going to reach out to her and get you ladies an instructional video on how to pop a single cheek. Thank me later.

-Brock

———-UPDATE————–

I was thinking about watching reviewing the video again and it’s hilarious how she really implies that you should just work on the back bend…maybe before a few weeks…before you get into full on ass clappin. She really doesn’t want to be responsible for any injuries out there. Also, who is she teaching? Do non-stripper chicks just hang at home putting time into an ass clap? Like it that a finishing move when a babe wants to get married? It would probably work.  But damn.

Assology: The Power of Assnosis

I know the classic Assology posts have been few and far between. Please rest assured that the important work I do as the worlds leading authority on the Assological sciences and the broader theory of Tailonomics has not slowed down. I will be offering Assology classes in the Spring with a certificate program for those who qualify. You can begin taking old classes online with Assology 101 HERE.

I’m here to announce an important discovery. It is a danger not only to those who have devoted their lives to the study of Assology, but to society as a whole. Any man, at any time can fall victim.

I’m talking about Assnosis.

Assnosis is defined as the phenomenon of being completely hypnotized by a passing ass. It causes distraction, lack of focus, temporary neck twisting, tunnel vision, and in cases when you are driving or operating heavy machinery, even death. Let’s examine the issue.

Here is a classic case of Assnosis. Notice how he doesn’t even know what is going on in the room around him. His jaw has gone slack, his eyes have gone glassy. This man apparently didn’t leave this position and come to for several minutes after the ass in question had left the vicinity.

It can happen to anyone, even stars. Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal at a Lakers game.

If he doesn’t get his act together, he’s going to go sliding right down those stairs. Danger to himself and those around him. Assnosis is real. There isn’t any elaborate set up, no swinging watches or soft talking to lull you into a sleepy state. A pair of wonderful butt cheeks can show up and you can be stunned into Assnosis immediately.

Of course there is the classic Chris Rock photo.

Chris walked right into a wall right after this picture was taken. He had concussion-like symptoms for two weeks.

Assnosis is real. Protect yourselves. The best thing you can do is stay prepared. By spreading awareness, I hope to save a few lives.

-Brock

Man Up Monday as soon as I can keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes.

 

Rear of the Year – This Must Mean Something Different In England

My training as an assologist never ends. If you are new to Us Versus Them you can begin your lesson plans HERE. So now I’m devoted to the study of international assology. Standards change, the things that people appreciate change from nation to nation, Britney Spears is not the leader of a revolution in every country. So the Mirror in England runs a contest every year for “Rear of the Year”. Somehow, I just learned of this but I caught up quickly.

This year the top two vote getters were Pippa Middleton.

I’m not going to lie, I’m appreciating the purple legwarmers. Let’s you know Pippa here is a little unconventional. You know Pippa, don’t you? She was the chick that stole the show during the royal wedding. She is Kate Middleton’s sister and was looking silky smooth as she walked up the isle.

Rear of the year, huh? Clearly I had to do more research. I ran March Madnass, I know what the people like. I don’t think Pippa would have made it out of the first round. But I was inspired to know that she didn’t actually win. Who was the winner of Rear of the Year 2011? Her name is Carol Vorderman, and she is a 51 year old TV personality.

These Brits clearly don’t give a damn. Is this some sort of honorary award? Is it like the NBA MVP award where no one quite knows what the voting criteria are but they just go with what they feel is right? Now March Madnass was hard to define, but we had a unifying principle. Is Carol really bringing the heat?

Oh I see what is happening now, she is selling the hourglass shape. There is clearly some trickery going on here. But the assologist will find the truth. Now the interns are going to need to find me angle 2, or as the Brits call it angle 2. They speak English.

Now wait a minute and wait a got damn minute. I’d like to buy a vowel and I believe the secret word is “where da hell that ass come from?” Why can’t the cougars who get drunk in bars that aren’t quite clubs pack heat like that? There has to be one more pic.

She knows what she’s working with too. This is how they back that ass up in England. They don’t drop it quite as low and keep it all proper. Carol Vorderman doesn’t have Tea time, she has Tea &A time. Someone want to track down what this woman was working with in 1985? I mean we are going to have to readjust for the clothes, but she might have been a real banger.

Fine, they might be on to something. We will keep an eye on the 2012 competition.

-Brock

 

Rosa Acosta: REALLY Casual Friday

This is something to get your Friday right. this may be NSFW depending on how relaxed it is at your office. I won’t bore you with my usual ramblings this time. Interns…….. earn your pay.

It’s heating up.
It's heating up

Oh My!
OH MY

WHOOOAAAAA
WHOAAAAA

BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!!!
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!!

-Triple B

The Ten Ass Commandments

I’ve done it.  I’ve completed my magnum opus.  I’ve written a lot, but nothing has summarized my life’s work like this.  Assology all boiled down in one place.  Inspiration struck and I brought the message back to Us Versus Them.

I present the Ten Ass Commandments.  For those of you not familiar with my inspiration, please press play and follow along below with Notorious B.I.G. Ten Crack Commandments.

Enjoy.

I been in this game for years, it made me an animal

An assologist, I wrote me a manual

A step by step booklet for you to get
your game on track, don’t check for an ass that’s wack

Rule nombre uno: peep that ass on the low
Never get caught staring, cause you know
The booty cheeks breed jealousy ‘specially
if her man peeps you, then your ass is through
Number two: muffin tops are not a good move
Don’t you know Big Girls are packing fats round their cracks
Butt blends into their back (uh-huh)
You can squeeze mad cheeks of these freaks but they waist ain’t straight.

Number three: never trust no-boo-ty
These hoes’ll gel that ass up, properly pumped up
Fluff that ass up, for that fast butt
she got silicone in the tights to hype that ass up

Number four: know you heard this before
BBD was right, don’t trust big butts and a smile,

Number five: never trust females with a fail tail
I don’t care if they got big J’s , say no way

Number six: that damn Booty Pop, Stop
You think those pads are real back, you’ll regret it

Seven: this rule is so underrated
The ass and the thigh should be completely separated
Jeans might make it look real sweet, but if there’s no real crease
Find yourself a big draws beast,

Number eight: White chicks can have tail too,
Kim K and Mena Suvari got a mean angle two,

Number nine shoulda been number one to me
If you a fail tail you’re not for UvT (uh-huh)
If you ain’t packin cakes, you can’t chill with Lake
And Brock don’t even see ya, you are just a zero

Number ten: stay up on Assology
A life philosophy, a law not theory
If you don’t understand then you gotta go
Cause that’s what we’re talking rain sleet hail snow

Follow these rules you’ll always stay on Team Us
If not, you’re Team Them, you’ll never be with us
You’ll hear AHNT when we see ya, you can never shake us
And you can never take Us, ain’t got ass so
Your girl want’s to talk her J’s up, heard in three weeks
she went from an A to a D Cup

Heard they’re good fakes, and she can make em shake up

but she’s a fail tail, so the J’s ain’t enough, word up, uhh

-Brock

Booty Pop: This is a Crime Against Humanity!

I realized last night that this had become unintentional ass week here at Us Versus Them.  That is different from Assology week, which was two weeks ago, or Ass appreciation week which occurs every week where the moon rises in the southern sky, whenever it rains, any week when Kim Kardashian leaves her house, and any week where my boy Lake Arlington calls up and reminds me to keep it real.  So yeah, as Ian pointed out in the comments…pretty much every week.

But dammit this has gone too far.  I’ve been running an investigative report on the Booty Pop underwear for the last 6 months.  I’m like the Chris Hansen of investigative booty reporting.

So I’ve been feeling on random bootys, testing the viscosity, trying to detect the subtle differences in viscosity (yes I did) between the padding and the arse cheek, using sonar technology I’m able to identify a booty pop from 20 paces.  Now I’m ready.  I’m ready to arm Team Us with the information they need to help lead the resistance against this diabolical foe.

Let’s start by staring the enemy in the face.

This is your basic booty pop.  They really went all out and found a real fail tail to work with.  She really has no ass at all.  Now in the field you are going to want to notice two things.  First, they’ve got the pads up high and tight, second, the booty pop is not capable of creating the classic booty crease.

Now let’s take a look at when they look like in action.  First jeans.

You can see our foe is doing things previously unknown to man.  The Booty Pop, along with it’s diabolical sidekick photoshop is putting up a viscous fight.  Those of you who have been through assology university will notice that the booty is super high, and there is a slight dip coming through the pocket.

How about a dress.

Damn you black dress.  how dare you take that angular 120 degree booty and try to attach a booty up high in her back piece.  These things can’t look right in action.

First…did she say bootylicious?

If you are standing there with one leg forward, yeah maybe you can recreate a reasonable facsimile of the good lawds greatest creation, but if you stand up straight it just looks like you are smuggling two George Costanza wallets in her back pockets.

Stay strong Team Us, the enemy is pervasive, next time we will tackle the silicone monster.  Here’s a little homework.  Would you rather encounter the booty pop in the wild and get her back to the crib before you find out she’s a fail tail, or roll up on a chick with ass implants that look like this?

One good thing about America though…Asian booty technology is still no match for ours.  The asian fail tail is too strong, and they are still trying to overcompensate.

-Brock

Assology: Mullet Booty

Now people are gonna think I’m wrong for this, but it has to be done.  What you have to realize is that this is a half compliment.  Mary J. Blige has a Mullet Booty.  What is a mullet booty you ask?

Business is the front:

Now let me make this clear…Real Love dropped in 1992.  That was 18 years ago.  18 is a long ass time.  Now Mary looks good to me.  Thighs are smoothed out, waist is tight…other than that rose on thigh I like it.  But then the mullet booty comes into play.

Party in the back:

Awwwww Mary!  What happened?  How does it stay so tight in the front and lose so much in the back?  Why is that bathing suit all gripped up on the booty piece?  Just battling for respectability back there.

My bad Mary, I still love your music though.  Okay, not really since like 2003, but you cool with me.

-Brock