American Idol: Please Make This Happen

I don’t ask for much. Hell, I don’t even watch American Idol, but if there is a God somewhere he will make this happen. Apparently Diddy is up for one of the hosting spots on American Idol next season.

I’d actually watch the show. I’m clearly having Making the Band withdrawal. I’d really only be watching to see if he told one of the 17 year old contestants how dark and lonely it gets out there.

I also want to see Mariah make some young girl stop singing one of her songs after about 3 notes. Please don’t try to sing Mariah in front of Mariah. It’s gonna be a train wreck.

-Brock

Reviews of Shows I Don’t Watch: The Voice

I was looking through my hilarious archives, (Like THIS joint. That’s just good life advice) and realized that we used to do a lot of TV show reviews on the site. I stopped doing it, but I still watch a LOT of damn tv, so I decided to bring it back. Then I realized, I don’t actually watch the shows people care about. Lake used to watch those soft ass shows that people want to discuss. So I’m starting something new. Reviews of shows I don’t actually watch.

Let’s start with the Voice.

I only know three out of those four people, one only in name. But it does remind me that C-Lo used to be in Goodie Mob, which  was a really great, thugged out ATL group.

No sequins there. Although those shorts are pretty fashionably adventurous for a rap group when C-Lo assumes that stance.

So the Voice is a show where the judges face backward while someone sings. They are judging the singer only by their voice, not by what they look like. So the judges create teams by sound, so they might end up with someone who might not look like a star but may sound like one. Just like when you are lost and driving your car, apparently you can only listen when you concentrate really hard as opposed to when you normally listen. You’ve got to squint and strain to make sure you can hear.

The funny thing is this would be a great concept if they let it play all the way out. Imagine how big of a finale they would have if you really judged just one voice for the entire season and didn’t get to see them until you picked a finalist then had to work with it. THAT would be a challenge. Instead, as soon as they get past the first round it basically turns into American Idol with teams, also known as X-Factor. (Which I also don’t watch).

The crazy thing is that the teams end up being pretty obvious. If you are a rocker, you pick Adam. Country, Blake. If you can really sing big, you go with Christina. And if you are crazy nut job, you go with C-Lo.

Aren’t these shows all the same? Isn’t someone the mean one like Simon Cowell if Simon Cowell isn’t available? How many of these shows do we really need. Can we really find four completely unknown singers a year and pretend like they are going to be stars? Actually that doesn’t even matter. I’m completely down with the show. Why? Because it allows C-Lo to do this.

Any show where the producer approves C-Lo to stroke a white fuzzy cat in every interview as if he is plotting to take over the world is okay with me. He looks so serious about it too. Actually, I think the cat actually looks more serious than he does. In fact, maybe the cat is the mean judge, and C-Lo is just his pawn, controlled by telepathy.

So without watching this show, I’m able to determine it is about an evil cat who is trying to take over the world using C-Lo as his pawn.  If someone can confirm that for me, I’ll watch it.

This is fun. I need to not watch a few more shows.

-Brock

JLo Is A Tease

Now Jennifer Lopez is a booty icon from way back. She’s been bad for a long, long time and she can still really bring the heat.

You know what the fellas here at Us Versus Them want. They need that Angle 2.

Wait a minute. The cameraman didn’t think it was a good idea to take one step to the right? Wasn’t he checking his shots as he went? Or is J.Lo’s tail so large that no matter how far you stepped to the right you couldn’t get to the curvature of the tail. Maybe, it’s like the curvature of the Earth. J.Lo’s ass is so big, you can’t see where it ends so it appears to be flat. Maybe the photographer needs to launch into the stratosphere to get the right shot.

Wait a minute, I just found the money shot.

Propped up on the table no less.

That’s still in the tail piece hall of fame.

-Brock

 

Classic UvT Quality: Jennifer Lopez

Remember late 90’s Jennifer Lopez?  Back when she was still J.Lo?

She was rolling with Diddy, rocking headbands, and she was the original Kim Kardashian with the tail game.

J.Lo had a run where she was the baddest chick out.  She was acting, selling albums, everything.  She hosted and performed on Saturday Night Live, blocked the whole show out.  Everything she did was sexy.

Since then she dated Ben Affleck, Married Marc Anthony, dropped some twins, and is now about to host American Idol.  After all this time and with all that change, is she still bad?  Check this pic from a recent photo shoot.

Yep, she’s still got it.  Leather catsuit?  Thank you very much.  If UvT existed in the 90’s this would be the house that J.Lo built.

-Brock

American Idol Adam Lambert is Gay…STOP It’s the M*thaF&$%in REMIX!

Now see?  24 Hours ago, Adam Lambert from American Idol dropped his new album cover (which I thought was keeping it a little too real) and now this.  So Adam Lambert is in Details Magazine, which I’m pretty damn sure is a gay mag, gone closet gay mag (their claim is that any mans magazine that focuses on fashion is bound to be semi-questionable (GQ/Esquire) touche’) has Adam Lambert on the cover.  But here is the kicker.  Somehow in the bizarro dimension of Details magazine…he’s straight.

adam4_slideshow_vertical

Got him going all James Dean in Details.  It isn’t just the 60’s tough guy look either, he’s in there with a woman too!

adam2_slideshow_horizontal

And not just any woman, a bucked arse naked, propped up on that tail, hand on the J, woman.  Talk about “he ain’t hitting that right”, ol girl has a look in here eyes like ” this is some ol bullshit Ilardo, he ain’t even cupping the booty right.”  But there is more!

adam5_slideshow_horizontal

See?  He still doesn’t know what to do with that ass.  Grabbing at it like it is some sort of fragile artifact.  YOU GOTTA CUP THAT TAIL HOMEY!  That right hand should be scooping and the left should be firmly nestled in that lower back tail dimple.  Step yo game up!

adam3_slideshow_vertical

Consider the game stepped up.  I’m not gonna lie, ol girl is an unexpected arse special.  I’m sure she’s not working with much, but she’s maximizing whatever it is she’s got.  Haaaa.

adam6_slideshow_vertical

See, Adam went for the full Monte there.  Here is my problem, why am I supposed to buy into that version of Adam Lambert when all I have to do is type in his name and the first picture I get is this:

adam-lambert-gay-4

Same picture….just slightly different, wouldn’t ya say?

Come on Adam.  You aren’t fooling anyone.  Keep it real homey.

-Brock

American Idol Adam Lambert Is Who We Thought He Was

I only like American Idol for the jokes, the scandals and the people who can’t actually sing.  But we did talk about the worst kept secret in American Idol history (besides the fact that Paula is crazy), that Adam Lambert like the boys.  People wanted to deny it all the way until he started showing up on the internets shirtless and all glammed up.  Then there was this.

adam lambert

I’m pretty sure anyone else would have told wardrobe to go screw themselves if they had shown up with that outfit. Adam saw it and said…”Do you have any 9 inch tall heels and thigh high boots that go with this?”  So now screamin Adam is about to drop his new album and he decided to keep it real.

adam_lambert_album_Cover_banner

Keep it real what is the question.  I guess he’s going with the androgynous look.  One glove, full eye makeup, feathered blue hair, nail polish and turrble 80’s fonts.  He should have just gone all the way and broken out the full on Laser photograph background.  Do his liner notes just say “no homo” inside?  Man, the kid can sing, but he really, really believes in the Amurican people on this one.  I don’t know how many soccer moms from middle America are going to run out to the nearest Walmart and by this one for their little girls.  This one is gonna be interesting.  This might be a case of when keeping it real goes wrong.

-Brock

Shocker! Adam Lambert is Gay? Nooooooooo…

Adam Lambert just came out of the closet in Rolling Stone Magazine.  I love when people who are obviously gay make a big deal out of coming out of the closet.  Hey Adam when you are on stage with four grown men with face makeup on and still look like the most questionable dude out there, no need to make a big deal out of it.

adam lambert

Oh and there is also this:

adam-lambert-0609

and this:

adam-lambert2

Not to mention this:

adam-lambert-gay-kissing-photos-3

Adam has said that the hundreds of pictures of him on the internet in drag are the only four times he was in drag.  Sure thing, and any guy who gets caught cheating says it was the only time he’s ever done it too.  And if you believe that, you’ll believe anything.  Adam, it is all good homey, you’re talented.  I’m glad you got to it quick.  Clay Aiken lived in denial for a good 5 years.  Once again, we knew waaaaaay out front.

clay-aiken-dad

Yeah.  We knew.

Sisqo, you’re up next!

-Brock

Ohhhhhhhh…THAT is Why Kara Was On American Idol

kara-dioguardi-ai04

When I saw they were adding a fourth judge to American Idol this season, I saw a chick with dark hair and thought nothing more than “Insurance Policy in case Paula goes crazy”.  Honestly, she didn’t add that much.  UNTIL LAST NIGHT.  Look, American Idol is only good when people are making complete jackasses of themselves for my enjoyment at the beginning of the season, even that has been turned down considerably since the season when they were making fun of the mentally challenged and morbidly obese.  I blazed through that episode so quickly last night, I completely missed the fact that Kara finally let us know that her best abilities were not semi-pre-written non-responsive comments and writing horrible songs for the season finale.  Her true contribution to society is this:

kara-dioguardi-bikini-1-03

When a 38 year old woman agrees to take it off on live national TV in a straight bikini, she knows she is bringing the heat.  A little closer?

kara-dioguardi-bikini-1-02

Yeah, that stomach and hip game is great right there.  At this point there is nothing that Paula brings to the show at all as far as I’m concerned.  Don’t get me wrong, Cold Hearted Snake Paula can get it.

But that joint came out in 1988.  That’s right, 21 years ago homey.  Paula wasn’t packing what Kara is rocking at 38 okay?  Paula is only 46 (46?  That is a Clay Davis Special right there)

2963571735_db200b8ae3

Hey Kara, can’t wait to see more of you next season.  You DID look better than bikini girl.  Go ahead and get your Playboy on while you still got it.

-Brock