Man Up Monday: Everyone NOT Named Al Davis

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Raiders Owner Al Davis died last week. Now most people remember the really scary, slightly crazy acting Al Davis from the last 15 years. But Al Davis has three championship rings. He really did it big in the late 70′s and early 80′s.

You can’t even tell Al Davis to Man Up, he had all the trappings of a grown ass man. Al Davis didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought about him. First of all Al Davis made the Raiders the most bad ass squad in the league. It didn’t matter which squad was yours, if you wanted to keep it gangster, you had to rock that Raiders Starter Jacket. All black with a pirate on it. It didn’t even matter that starter jackets were shiny satin, you were still bad in that joint.

Like Art Shell here. Is he a pro football coach, a member of NWA or is he a club security? If a bouncer in a Raiders coat rolls up on you in the club, you best believe you are going to be on the street quick fast and in a hurry. See that Raiders starter jacket even makes that Cleveland show mustache he’s rocking look reasonable. Okay, not really.

Al Davis was about two other things. Knowing what made him happy and representing his brand. He did both every single day. Literally every single day. Have you seen Al Davis rock anything other than a white or black Raiders track suit? Al Davis was all Raiders everything. In fact, I’ve never even seen him rocking a color in any picture ever. Seriously. Find me a picture of that dude wearing a red tie. A pair of blue jeans. Some green. Anything. When color photography was invented it didn’t matter to Al Davis because he was all black and white everything. He’s lucky he lived in California so his skin was a constant slightly uncomfortable and unhealthy pink glow.

Al Davis might be the most manly man out there. A paragon of manliness. People a not so sure about JaMarcus Russell? F it, Al Davis will pay him $61 Million with $32 Million guaranteed. Lane Kiffin not cutting it? Fire his ass on Monday morning without calling him first. You want to rock shades, rock em with an old lady librarian chain.

Cause you don’t want to lose your fly ass shades.

Al Davis, you are a mans man. Everyone else not named Al Davis Man Up and get like this dude. He wasn’t crazy, he was doing anything he damn well pleased. That’s how you Man Up.

Everyone not named Al Davis…Man Up!

By the way, between Steve Jobs and Al Davis, people who wear the same clothes every single day are having a bad week.

Charlie Brown better play it safe for the next few weeks.

-Brock

By the way, I’m predicting that if the Raiders make the playoffs it will be all about doing it for Al and not about them playing that soft schedule.

 

Man Up Monday: Oakland Raiders

The NFL is either feast or famine.  Going into Sunday there were two undefeated teams, there were a good handful of teams doing well, and there were a bunch of teams that really suck.  The Lions are horrendous.  The Rams are a joke.  The Bucs suck in their own special way.  But no one pulls of a team that is not only horrible, but is also a complete joke from top to bottom as the Oakland Raiders.  Let’s start of the field.

I know I give Brady Quinn a hard time, but at least the kid looks like he practices the position of Quarterback.  JaMarcus Russell looks like he doesn’t even think about playing or practicing the game of football until he steps foot onto the field.

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He doesn’t look like he knows the plays, he can’t read the defense, his throws miss long, short, left, right, missed route…all of that.  My man has a 45 QB rating, that is really, really bad.  He’s thrown 9 interceptions this season, which is bad but not horrible, Jamarcus, how many TD’s do you have though?

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Nice one tough guy, you know you are allowed to score more touchdowns than the number on your jersey don’t you?  Yeah, they changed that rule back in the 60′s. You were a #1 draft pick.  The Raiders had to really, really suck to get you and you aren’t helping them.  At least Brady Quinn fell off the draft board so he’s not getting paid the $61 million you are getting.  29 Million Guaranteed?  Hell, I might not play either.  Why beat yourself up and work hard if you are stacking chips like that?  JaMarcus here won’t even be able to be a back up in the league when those 6 years are up.  He might have to pull a Starbury and collect checks on the sideline.  This team may be better without him no matter what he’s getting paid.

Let’s get to the coach.  I don’t know much about Tom Cable other than the fact that he seems like a bad ass.  First of all I think “Bad ass” is the #1 job requirement for Raiders coach, because “winning games” sure doesn’t seem to be too high on that list.  Tom Cable did knock out one of his assistant coaches though.

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You know the craziest thing about this incident?  First of all the description is ill as hell.  Not only did Cable allegedly punch this dude so hard he broke his jaw, my man was out on contact so he also flipped out of the chair, and banged his head on a cabinet on the way down.  Even more gangster than that?  Apparently the Raiders live by the “stop snitching” policy because there is now talk that Cable will get off because no one can verify the incident.  So what happened then?  Some dude shows up with a broken jaw and a banged up head and nothing happened, huh?  I guess Rihanna just banged her head on the dash of Chris Brown’s Ferrari too?

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I know what you did last summer Tom Cable.  That ain’t right.

Now for the leader of this crazy train.

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Now see, it isn’t fair to think Al Davis has always been crazy.  He’s just an eccentric old man.  Sure, he rocks big ass sunglasses on a chain.  Sure he dresses in all black like he thinks he is a player.  I know his hair looks crazy, he makes wils ass decisions, he fired Lane Kiffin in public and tried to jack him for the back end of his contract by talking junk in press conferences instead of negotiating with the dude.  He’s also made some of the worst player moves in NFL history.  But his looks isn’t all bad, you just have to know he’s been working it for a long time.  Peep the original.

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See, floppy leather jacket, all black shirt, too involved with the players, but the look was working for him.  Like a sideline Fonzie.  If you are younger that 25, I’m talking about The Fonz from Happy Days, not the bear from the Muppet Show, that’s Fozzie.  Look, you can’t really blame Al Davis for everything, the dude might be senile, the game has changed a lot, he’s still living off the title he won with Madden, and he made a deal with the devil.

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And he apparently he also has a deal with someone who manufactures the cheapest looking leather jackets on the market.  How can you own an NFL franchise and rock what looks like shiny pleather for 30 years?  Dude really is crazy.

-Brock

Weird Al Davis vs. Lane Kiffin is Awesome!!!

Look, cats were scratching their heads when Al Davis hired young Lane Kiffin last season as the Raider’s head coach.  Now Lane just got fired with a “Lane was a muthafucker” foot in his ass on his way out the door courtesy of Al Davis. Peep it.

Now Lane is crying foul.  So you know my job.  I gotta sort out who’s playing in the role of “Us” and who’s acting like a cat aka “Them.”  Hey, call me old school, but, fuck it, I’m with Al!

I mean, come on, Al vs. Lane?  That’s a no brainer.

Lol.  (By the way, UvT will continue to get stronger as we continue to master these silly web tools, ok?  This shit is like when the Evil Empire was finishing off that Death Star.  Bout to really demonstrate our power, blow some shit up!)

Here’s why I side with Al Davis here and like I said, it wasn’t even close:

1.  Al’s speech was hot.

First of all, I don’t know where that accent comes from, but I like it.  “Da Raidahs” just sounds right.  Then that “I’m dismissing him with cause” was really hot rhetoric, irrespective of the facts surrounding their business relationship.

Say what you want, but hittin any cat, much less young Lane, with that real boss man, “punk, you aint gone get paid and YES, I’m aware of your legal rights as well as MINE as your employer.  Now beat it.”  Hey, call me a dick, but I just like shit like that.  But then again, I did always root for the villains when I used to watch the cartoons as a kid.  Lol.  But Old Mayne Al didn’t stop there:

“Then Lane asked me, ‘does that mean I don’t git paid’ and I said, “that’s what it means”.  haaaaa   Whoooooo we.  Wow and all this was said during a press conference!  Dead up for all to hear.  There was more, “I realized that you did not want to draft DeMarcus Russell”  I mean, dude, Al went HARD at Lane.

Holy shit!

2.  Lane’s name invalidates his fitness to lead men on any field.

Sorry, but dude’s name is “Lane” which is a fine name for a dude sippin on a sensitive spot of tea, but not exactly what you want for your head coach.   lol.  Sorry, homey (and I’m speaking to another famous Lane I know well right now) but you know it’s true.

I know, I know, cats named Reed, Blaine, Sage, Chord, Dane and yes, even LAKE, are hard as shit, made for that gridiron.  I know…ha.

3.  Lane kept talking about what his wife thought in his response to Al’s accusations.

Your wife?  What, your daughter wasn’t available for comment?  I don’t give a hot damn what your boo wifey has to say about your failure to meet your contractual obligation as head football coach erer Al Davis’ alleged lies.

Though I do appreciate how his lady has kept it sexy slim with two kiddies in tow.  Definitely Milf’d out.  But is it too much to ask mothers to put some shoes on their kids?  Lil girl is looking like Britney coming back from a Starbucks/long dack bender.  Anyway, why is this cat talking about what his wife knows?

It’s not like she’s in the huddle.  It’s not like she’s at team meetings.  This aint intramurals! I mean, she only knows what you tell her.

Meaning, it’s a Lil Wayne special, ie. “Like a bitch with no ass she aint got shit!“  Ya dig?

4.  He’s Al Davis, you’re not.

Ok, Al may dress up like your once hipster grandpa, may have the neck piece, teeff-a-sis and hair style of Mumrah, the Ever Living  — wait, let me just say that I am a big Mumrah guy and because I am, he’s about to get top billing on this site.

Peep how hot Mumrah came out each show.  I mean, if the Raiders had some of that Al Davis/Mumrah spirit, they’d probably be above .500.  Intern, run my shit!

Now, back to where I was.. oh, yes, Al Davis of late, may have about as many Championship rings as Lake the Snake, but he’s still Al Davis.  He’s still iconic.  Lane is basically football’s version of Sarah Palin.

Meaning he shouldn’t have ever gotten that job to begin with, he performed terribly and worst of all, the more he talks the worse you feel about his general competence.  Which brings us to my finally issue with Lane:

5. Lane looks soft as all hell.

Come on.  This cat just looks like a lil bitch.  Ha.  It’s just as plain as that.  And I mean that in all sincerity.  Homey does not look like a head coach and it’s not just because of his age.  I mean, stop using the magic shave.

Put something in your head and not on it.

And just stand up straight and look the damn part!  All soft and shit.  This cat looks like some high school coordinator or something, not the Head Coach of the legendary Oakland Raiders!!!  Geez.

In closing, this post should serve as my open letter to young Lane Kiffin.  Lane, football is a game played by men.  Toughen up, stop crying on the tv like a lil beeyatch, know your role, tuck in that bottom lip, pull up them shoes and take your medicine like a man!  Besides, you got $4 million over two years which was probably $3,900,000 more than you deserved.  Just play it cool and cry your ass to the bank, ok?

I know, you’re scared that Al is going to run you out of the league and fail to pay you the balance of your contract.  But let’s face it, that’s probably where you should be anyway.  Still, calling a Hall of Fame legend a “liar” aint helping anything homey.  Al may be crazy, but he’s a legitimate cat.  You’re anything but.  Know you role and shut your mouth.  thx

Go Bills (and Al)

- Lake