Man Up Monday: Dog People

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I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!

-Brock

Mitt Romney Quits His Bid For President: Well, He Should Anyway…

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Mitt Romney is running one of the most amazing Presidential campaigns ever. He messes up so much and so often, people can’t even fully beat him up for his previous mistake he makes another one. I know everyone has already covered everything he’s done but maybe a quick recap. He managed to offend the people throwing the Olympics…at the Olympics. Clint Eastwood talked to a chair. Romney was saying all the wrong things while an American diplomat was being killed. Then a tape gets released of him essentially writing off 47% of the country.

With the exception of the Olympic incident, all the rest of that stuff happened in a little over two weeks. He’s ripping em off at a record pace. I don’t want to talk about the details, you can read that anywhere. I just want to know if he’s on the verge of pulling the most Team Them move ever.

What if Mitt Romney just quit?

Seriously. He’s basically been running for President since 2006. He lost to John McCain in 2008, and just kinda kept it all going. Now, when he won the Republican Nomination it was damn near by default. Who else were the gonna elect? Michelle Bachmann? She fell apart early. Herman Cain? Once they found one of his side chicks he tapped himself out. Rootin’ Tootin’ Texan Rick Perry? I wouldn’t recognize that guy if he was standing in front of me ordering a burrito at Chipotle.

Romney just has to be tired by now. He has to feel like he can’t open his mouth without saying something crazy. The problem is the candidate for President has to talk a lot.

He’s got two more months to go. The hardest two months. He’s got debates. He’s basically got to win every swing state out there to get it. He’s actually so bad he’s messing up the Senate and House races in key states. Have you seen a Republican advisor this week? They can’t even make up anything to defend him. People in smaller races are separating from him. It’s getting ugly.

I mean he hasn’t gone into a Palin-level meltdown, but can it really get better from here?

I just want to know what would happen if he actually quit. Does Paul Ryan become the candiate by default? That would be kinda weird considering he hasn’t gotten a single vote from anyone in the country other than the one vote from Mitt Romney to choose him. Do we go back to the votes and go with Rick Santorum? He was second place, why not? Does the nomination pass down to Romney’s five sons?

Then it we could find out what it would be like to have 5 clones run for President. By the way, if anyone makes that movie, I want a cut.

I know a guy who runs for President isn’t exactly a “take my ball and go home” kind of person, but the Romney campaign is falling apart. Could it possibly get worse from here? It can’t can it?

Maybe it can. Hilarious that clip is from Fox News. Can someone tell me where rich people buy their Jenga games? Giant Jenga looks awesome. It isn’t in the shot, but he had a giant Candyland built with real candy and poor people dressed in actual fresh baked gingerbread to move around the board. It’s pretty awesome.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Clint Eastwood? Almost, But Not Quite

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I was only able to catch pieces of the Republican National Convention. I saw the Romney speech, but the sound wasn’t on. I’m pretty sure I still caught the general idea though. The real news was apparently Clint Eastwood. I guess he went up there for his speech and decided it was a good idea to talk to an empty chair.

I know the man is an artist and needed to bring an element of theatrics to the RNC, but the general consensus is that he missed. People are talking about Clint Eastwood looking crazy, looking old, even drunk. I don’t even want to talk about the empty chair, it seems completely ridiculous, but it wasn’t even close to the real man up moment. In fact, the person who didn’t Man Up is fully responsible for Clint taking a hit last week.

I guess when a cultural icon and notorious tough guy shows up, everyone wants to just get out of the way. That’s why my Man Up this week goes to whoever was responsible for Clint’s hair.

I mean damn. No one saw Clint backstage and wanted to hand him a comb? Point him in the direction of a mirror. Dude was going up before the Republican nominee for President, the biggest night in the Republican party, and dude looks like he just woke up from a nap.

I’m sure no one wanted to tell Dirty Harry he looked like a crazy man, but they didn’t do him any favors either. The whole RNC was hijacked by a hairdresser turning into a punk. That’s a damn shame.

So whoever was in charge of people not looking completely crazy at the RNC needs to Man Up!

Actually, now that I think about it, it’s karma. This is what Republican’s get for not supporting gay rights. I’m sure the hairdresser back there looked at Clint, thought about helping him, and just said screw it. Otherwise, do you think this guy wouldn’t have caught Clint before he got out there?

Exactly. Dude would have caught that bad hair from 50 feet.

-Brock

Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

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I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

Prince Harry: You Got N*ckas in Paris, We Got Princes In Vegas

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Being a Prince has to be a pretty good gig. I’m not sure what Prince Harry’s actual job is. He’s still a good five seats from being King or whatever if he is even actually still in line. Prince Charles has been waiting for that #1 spot his entire life. Queen Elizabeth isn’t giving it up any time soon. Harry already let his brother have the big fancy wedding. William is the crown prince. So basically that means Prince Harry is one of the most famous bachelors in the world, he doesn’t have many responsibilities, and he will always be a member of the royal family so what does he do?

Head to Vegas and get loose.

You know it’s a party when you break out the straw hat. Harry didn’t stop there. He was rolling with wildman Ryan Lochte and the ladies didn’t take long to see through his disguise. Harry didn’t hesitate to take full advantage.

I call this pic, “I’m gonna take her…oh and her over there…she can come up to the room…and do you want to recreate the bath scene from Coming to America?”

Harry didn’t end there, once he got up to the room, things really got interesting. Prince Harry is the Honey Badger of the Royal Family, he doesn’t give a fuck. Actually, I think he might have given a fuck on this one.

Literally.

Nothing to do in a VIP suite in Vegas after a long day at the pool other than get a few chicks up to the room and get buck naked. It didn’t end there. He really wanted to get it in.

First things first, the fact TMZ felt like the needed to drop in that star disturbs me. Second, I don’t know about the rest of you, but every time in my life I’ve been full monte naked with my junk firmly lodged in the azz crack of a naked young woman, I’m not able to stand that close to her unless she is playing a game of hide Lil Brick. I’m going to give Prince Harry the benefit of the doubt and assume he wasn’t banging some chick out next to a pool table in front of someone who has a camera phone…but that’s sure what it looks like.

I’m down with it. Prince Harry has nothing to lose. I really don’t see the problem other than the complete violation of the Vegas ground rules here. Every VIP suite in Vegas should just have a big box next to the front door where everyone drops their cell phones. If I’m running around naked in a Vegas Hotel room, I don’t want anyone telling the story, much less taking pics that end up on TMZ.

We got these Princes in Vegas and they Goin Gorillas…Huh?

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday Alex Cross – A Few Things Have Changed…

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Alex Cross movies aren’t exactly Bourne movies, but they have their own thing. Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider. Those movies were so good it just made it seem like Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd were in about 15 movies together. I even want to give them credit for Long Kiss Goodnight and that was Samuel L. Jackson and Geena Davis. Plus, Morgan Freeman was about as smooth as you could be with a hightop fade.

So they are bringing back Alex Cross. You thought recasting Jason Bourne was controversial? Check out the new Alex Cross.

I actually wish I was joking. This is about as close to the truth as anything else. They’ve signed up Madea as an action hero. As a detective. As a leading man. He might as be wearing a costume in this one too, he looks just as fake.

You think a gun and a goatee is supposed to make me forget that this dude usually wears a dress and says “Heller, How ya dern”? You think a badge and a mini fro are going to change all of that? Because they aren’t. This is horrible.

The worst part is the rest of the movie actually looks really good. The took Jack from Lost. A solid hero type and the dude totally transformed himself into a complete psycho.

I’d be pissed off if I signed up for a movie and got all shredded up and found out this was the first time my co-star was a man for an entire movie. Seriously, dude looks like he hasn’t had a carb since he died on the island. (Uhhhh, SPOILER ALERT?)

So this whole movie needs to Man Up. Can we sub in someone else? Anyone from the Wire will do. Stringer. Marlo. Avon. Omar. Chris. Bunk. Cutty. Hell, I’d take Cheese, Bodie and Snoop too.

Someone Man Up Alex Cross. Please.

-Brock

Rapper 2 Chainz is the First Sign of the Apocalypse

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No, not because people actually love the way he raps. Not because he was able to show how you can kill your rap career with a shitty name like Tity Boi and revitalize it with a signature ad lib like “2 Chaaaainz”. But because this dude is breaking the rules of the universe.

Do you see it? Where does this dude get off wearing 3 Chainz? My man drops an album and is already to big for his own good. Next thing you know Ronald McDonald will be dressing up as the Burger King. Mr. T won’t have a mohawk anymore. Kim Kardashian is going to have a fail tail and Fat Joe will be skinny.

Oh shit. It’s happening already.

-Brock

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