“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne
The year was 1998. I was at Duke University at a children’s function. The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas. So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?” He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:
“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter. I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today. That my world would be turned upside down. That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…
Who am I kidding? And more importantly, who is America kidding???? Let me tell yall something. The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.
Then I saw his picture….
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne. Do we have to go through this again??? It’s blatant gay face! Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo). Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.
It’s just an unwritten code. I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece. It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft. Then you present me with THIS cat?
With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa I mean, for real, listen to this cat:
I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!! So are we really surprised that this “dude”:
Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?
And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….
Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old…. Dammit. Look. Let me tell yall something. It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.
Now, I’m a liberal cat. So being up to some shit. And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me. But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..
Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash. THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne! HA And now what does he want for his pain and suffering? You guessed it….
Cold hard CASH!!!! It’s the American way. Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out. Smart move. Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.
Clash don’t care, though and why should he? The statute of limitations done run. He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.
And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?