The Completely Foreseeable Fall of Elmo aka Kevin Clash

“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne

The year was 1998.  I was at Duke University at a children’s function.  The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas.  So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?”  He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:

“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter.  I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today.  That my world would be turned upside down.  That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…

Who am I kidding?  And more importantly, who is America kidding????  Let me tell yall something.  The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.

Even President Obama knew something wasn’t right with Kevin Clash. It aint normal for a 200 pound black man to have his hand stuck up a puppet’s ass, with more high notes than the opera.

Then I saw his picture….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne.  Do we have to go through this again???  It’s blatant gay face!  Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo).  Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.

It’s just an unwritten code.  I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece.  It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft.  Then you present me with THIS cat?

With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa  I mean, for real, listen to this cat:

I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!!  So are we really surprised that this “dude”:

Dammit, cat looks like a turrible extra from the Wire. One of Omar’s ‘boys’ that got pinched taking unnecessary risks. Not respecting the game….

Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?

And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….

Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old….   Dammit.  Look.  Let me tell yall something.  It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.

Now, I’m a liberal cat.  So being up to some shit.  And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me.  But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..

Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash.  THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne!   HA  And now what does he want for his pain and suffering?  You guessed it….

Cold hard CASH!!!!  It’s the American way.  Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out.  Smart move.  Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.

Clash don’t care, though and why should he?  The statute of limitations done run.  He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.

And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?

-Lake

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is…Whoa, Where’d THAT Come From?

I’m pretty sure this picture is self explanatory.

Now when I said it was self explanatory, I meant the quality of the picture explains itself, I can’t explain how the image captured in the picture is possible based on the all the empirical evidence I’ve seen over the years. But I live in the moment, so I’ll just appreciate the now and not worry about the past or the future.

-Brock

I will say if this photo has not been manipulated, we will be discussing Ms. Love Hewitt more in the future.

Andrew Bynum Does The Impossible: He Just Got Worse

I thought the Andrew Bynum situation was horrible last week. It was so bad I had to address it. But the physical manifestation of Bynum’s “I don’t give a f*ck” reached all new heights. The hair was already stupid as just a normal fro. But for some reason, he decided to really take it to the next level and straighten it. Peep this.

Let’s go ahead and drop a come on bruh on that one. Is that pimp hair? Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber? Sultan from Great White Hype?

I know Andrew Bynum isn’t supposed to be healthy until January, and maybe he’s bored, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn about representing his team. Wait, maybe he is trying to be one of the greats. Maybe he is already ready to leave the Sixers and join another team…well, group really.

I hear they have a new album coming out.

-Brock

 

Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!

I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.

Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.

Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.

As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.

She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.

So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.

-Brock

The Interracial Future of America

With the Presidential Debates last night, we all got to think about what is really important to us. For me it is about seeing everyone for their unique perspective. Recognizing what they bring to the table. We all have so much to learn from each other. I personally think the blending and mixing of all the people of America is important. I’ve seen the future and I want to share it with you. Show you how beautiful it can me when black people and white people can come together, no matter the color of their skin.

Even if the color of their skin changes at the neckline. If you got to the local CVS and all they had left was the “cocoa” bottle of self tanner, and you commit to the arms and chest of a black man, you’ve got to go all the way. In this case it would have probably come off like black face, but after seeing the “white face” version of it, I’m personally willing to give him a pass. What can Brown Do For You Indeed.

Feel free to scroll up and down and play “body of a black man”, “head of a white man”. It will provide minutes of entertainment.

-Brock

The Hulk Hogan Sextape Might Be The Worst…Sextape…Ever

Now,  I normally like to talk people out of watching sex tapes. They are disgusting, they’re never good, they are bad for society, and never as sexy as you think it will be. But the Hulk Hogan sex tape pretty much talks you out of watching it on its own. Here are the only two facts you need about the Hulk Hogan sextape.

1. Hulk Hogan is 59 years old.

2. Hulk Hogan looks like this:

Are you really going to plug “Hulk Hogan Sextape” into Google now. The line has to be drawn somewhere. There are some things you don’t need to see simply because they exist. Why do you need to see a Hulk Hogan sextape. It can’t be because you want to see the Hulkster naked. The guys has been famous for wearing high boots, knee pads and yellow underwear.

Sure, you can watch two men greased up in underwear and boots every Monday, but two pics of Hulk Hogan in one post while talking about a sextape and it’s starting to get really gay in here isn’t it?

Why did the Hulkster wait this long to rock the sex tape? I mean dude was on top for a solid 20 years through the 80′s and 90′s. You know he was out there making little Hulkamaniacs all over the country. He should have got the sex tape done when he could still actually feel his knees.

Okay, if you have to watch the sextape, go ahead. There is one good reason to watch the tape. The woman in the tape, Heather Clem.

At least the Hulkster is still pulling down top shelf quality. While Hogan was surprised by the tape, I love the fact that he was NOT surprised by the fact that he could randomly bang out a bad chick upon walking into a random bedroom at his friends house.

That’s all I need to know that Hulk has been getting with the ladies since the eighties. I feel like I’m closer to one of my childhood heroes. Vitamins, Prayers, Training, Steroids and Tail.

Team Us.

-Brock

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The comments are too good to risk people missing them, check it:

Slick Jefferson: I can’t bring myself to watch that tape.  I can’t ever think about The Hulkster and the 24-inch, err, pythons doing anything else.

Mr. Jezus: Someone tell me he at least did the Hulk Shirt rip before he laid it down?

Ian Summers: I just want to know from someone who watched the video, how many times did he refer to her as “brother!”?

Brock (yeah, I’m quoting myself in the third person):  I hear when he pulled his dack out he looked at ol girl and said “WHAT ‘CHA GONNA DOOOO?”

 

Man Up Monday: Dog People

I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!

-Brock

Mitt Romney Quits His Bid For President: Well, He Should Anyway…

Mitt Romney is running one of the most amazing Presidential campaigns ever. He messes up so much and so often, people can’t even fully beat him up for his previous mistake he makes another one. I know everyone has already covered everything he’s done but maybe a quick recap. He managed to offend the people throwing the Olympics…at the Olympics. Clint Eastwood talked to a chair. Romney was saying all the wrong things while an American diplomat was being killed. Then a tape gets released of him essentially writing off 47% of the country.

With the exception of the Olympic incident, all the rest of that stuff happened in a little over two weeks. He’s ripping em off at a record pace. I don’t want to talk about the details, you can read that anywhere. I just want to know if he’s on the verge of pulling the most Team Them move ever.

What if Mitt Romney just quit?

Seriously. He’s basically been running for President since 2006. He lost to John McCain in 2008, and just kinda kept it all going. Now, when he won the Republican Nomination it was damn near by default. Who else were the gonna elect? Michelle Bachmann? She fell apart early. Herman Cain? Once they found one of his side chicks he tapped himself out. Rootin’ Tootin’ Texan Rick Perry? I wouldn’t recognize that guy if he was standing in front of me ordering a burrito at Chipotle.

Romney just has to be tired by now. He has to feel like he can’t open his mouth without saying something crazy. The problem is the candidate for President has to talk a lot.

He’s got two more months to go. The hardest two months. He’s got debates. He’s basically got to win every swing state out there to get it. He’s actually so bad he’s messing up the Senate and House races in key states. Have you seen a Republican advisor this week? They can’t even make up anything to defend him. People in smaller races are separating from him. It’s getting ugly.

I mean he hasn’t gone into a Palin-level meltdown, but can it really get better from here?

I just want to know what would happen if he actually quit. Does Paul Ryan become the candiate by default? That would be kinda weird considering he hasn’t gotten a single vote from anyone in the country other than the one vote from Mitt Romney to choose him. Do we go back to the votes and go with Rick Santorum? He was second place, why not? Does the nomination pass down to Romney’s five sons?

Then it we could find out what it would be like to have 5 clones run for President. By the way, if anyone makes that movie, I want a cut.

I know a guy who runs for President isn’t exactly a “take my ball and go home” kind of person, but the Romney campaign is falling apart. Could it possibly get worse from here? It can’t can it?

Maybe it can. Hilarious that clip is from Fox News. Can someone tell me where rich people buy their Jenga games? Giant Jenga looks awesome. It isn’t in the shot, but he had a giant Candyland built with real candy and poor people dressed in actual fresh baked gingerbread to move around the board. It’s pretty awesome.

-Brock