12 Days of UvT Christmas: Santa

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People love Christmas. As a result, they let a lot of things slide that wouldn’t normally be cool. Like a dude with a Santa costume will get anyone to sit on their lap. It’s a pretty good racket. Look how happy this dude is to have nothing between his junk and Kim Kardashian’s ass but a slinky dress and some red velvet.

That’s the power of a Santa costume. Kim doesn’t normally sit on your lap unless you are, #1. Black and #2. an athlete or R&B star.

Do you want to know who the most attention seeking guy in the world is though? The guy who grows out the Santa style beard and hair and rocks it year round. How are you gonna jack Santa’s style? How sad do you have to be to see a fat dude in a red suit and think that’s the image you want to portray.

Like this dude shut Disneyland the FACK DOWN this summer, he got kicked out of the park because he was driving kids crazy. But seriously, this guy had to know better.

Look, if you are a 300 pound man with long white hair…and you feel the need to rock a beard…you’ve already gone too far. But you CAN NOT go with the curly mustache and the wispy elfin eyebrows. He knows GOOD AND WELL he looks like Santa. He was probably rocking a red t-shirt too. What’s next, people trying to look like the Burger King?

That’s not a good look.

-Brock

Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

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It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys :) Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

http://youtu.be/3wmkVco4_IE

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.

-Brock

The Completely Foreseeable Fall of Elmo aka Kevin Clash

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“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne

The year was 1998.  I was at Duke University at a children’s function.  The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas.  So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?”  He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:

“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter.  I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today.  That my world would be turned upside down.  That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…

Who am I kidding?  And more importantly, who is America kidding????  Let me tell yall something.  The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.

Even President Obama knew something wasn’t right with Kevin Clash. It aint normal for a 200 pound black man to have his hand stuck up a puppet’s ass, with more high notes than the opera.

Then I saw his picture….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne.  Do we have to go through this again???  It’s blatant gay face!  Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo).  Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.

It’s just an unwritten code.  I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece.  It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft.  Then you present me with THIS cat?

With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa  I mean, for real, listen to this cat:

I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!!  So are we really surprised that this “dude”:

Dammit, cat looks like a turrible extra from the Wire. One of Omar’s ‘boys’ that got pinched taking unnecessary risks. Not respecting the game….

Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?

And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….

Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old….   Dammit.  Look.  Let me tell yall something.  It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.

Now, I’m a liberal cat.  So being up to some shit.  And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me.  But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..

Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash.  THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne!   HA  And now what does he want for his pain and suffering?  You guessed it….

Cold hard CASH!!!!  It’s the American way.  Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out.  Smart move.  Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.

Clash don’t care, though and why should he?  The statute of limitations done run.  He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.

And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?

-Lake

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is…Whoa, Where’d THAT Come From?

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I’m pretty sure this picture is self explanatory.

Now when I said it was self explanatory, I meant the quality of the picture explains itself, I can’t explain how the image captured in the picture is possible based on the all the empirical evidence I’ve seen over the years. But I live in the moment, so I’ll just appreciate the now and not worry about the past or the future.

-Brock

I will say if this photo has not been manipulated, we will be discussing Ms. Love Hewitt more in the future.

Andrew Bynum Does The Impossible: He Just Got Worse

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I thought the Andrew Bynum situation was horrible last week. It was so bad I had to address it. But the physical manifestation of Bynum’s “I don’t give a f*ck” reached all new heights. The hair was already stupid as just a normal fro. But for some reason, he decided to really take it to the next level and straighten it. Peep this.

Let’s go ahead and drop a come on bruh on that one. Is that pimp hair? Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber? Sultan from Great White Hype?

I know Andrew Bynum isn’t supposed to be healthy until January, and maybe he’s bored, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn about representing his team. Wait, maybe he is trying to be one of the greats. Maybe he is already ready to leave the Sixers and join another team…well, group really.

I hear they have a new album coming out.

-Brock

 

Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!

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I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.

Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.

Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.

As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.

She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.

So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.

-Brock

The Interracial Future of America

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With the Presidential Debates last night, we all got to think about what is really important to us. For me it is about seeing everyone for their unique perspective. Recognizing what they bring to the table. We all have so much to learn from each other. I personally think the blending and mixing of all the people of America is important. I’ve seen the future and I want to share it with you. Show you how beautiful it can me when black people and white people can come together, no matter the color of their skin.

Even if the color of their skin changes at the neckline. If you got to the local CVS and all they had left was the “cocoa” bottle of self tanner, and you commit to the arms and chest of a black man, you’ve got to go all the way. In this case it would have probably come off like black face, but after seeing the “white face” version of it, I’m personally willing to give him a pass. What can Brown Do For You Indeed.

Feel free to scroll up and down and play “body of a black man”, “head of a white man”. It will provide minutes of entertainment.

-Brock

The Hulk Hogan Sextape Might Be The Worst…Sextape…Ever

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Now,  I normally like to talk people out of watching sex tapes. They are disgusting, they’re never good, they are bad for society, and never as sexy as you think it will be. But the Hulk Hogan sex tape pretty much talks you out of watching it on its own. Here are the only two facts you need about the Hulk Hogan sextape.

1. Hulk Hogan is 59 years old.

2. Hulk Hogan looks like this:

Are you really going to plug “Hulk Hogan Sextape” into Google now. The line has to be drawn somewhere. There are some things you don’t need to see simply because they exist. Why do you need to see a Hulk Hogan sextape. It can’t be because you want to see the Hulkster naked. The guys has been famous for wearing high boots, knee pads and yellow underwear.

Sure, you can watch two men greased up in underwear and boots every Monday, but two pics of Hulk Hogan in one post while talking about a sextape and it’s starting to get really gay in here isn’t it?

Why did the Hulkster wait this long to rock the sex tape? I mean dude was on top for a solid 20 years through the 80′s and 90′s. You know he was out there making little Hulkamaniacs all over the country. He should have got the sex tape done when he could still actually feel his knees.

Okay, if you have to watch the sextape, go ahead. There is one good reason to watch the tape. The woman in the tape, Heather Clem.

At least the Hulkster is still pulling down top shelf quality. While Hogan was surprised by the tape, I love the fact that he was NOT surprised by the fact that he could randomly bang out a bad chick upon walking into a random bedroom at his friends house.

That’s all I need to know that Hulk has been getting with the ladies since the eighties. I feel like I’m closer to one of my childhood heroes. Vitamins, Prayers, Training, Steroids and Tail.

Team Us.

-Brock

————————

The comments are too good to risk people missing them, check it:

Slick Jefferson: I can’t bring myself to watch that tape.  I can’t ever think about The Hulkster and the 24-inch, err, pythons doing anything else.

Mr. Jezus: Someone tell me he at least did the Hulk Shirt rip before he laid it down?

Ian Summers: I just want to know from someone who watched the video, how many times did he refer to her as “brother!”?

Brock (yeah, I’m quoting myself in the third person):  I hear when he pulled his dack out he looked at ol girl and said “WHAT ‘CHA GONNA DOOOO?”

 

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