Carnival Triumph: Cruisin’ for Some Losin’

Have you ever been on a cruise? It sounds great. Jump on a boat the size of a small city, hit up three or four different islands on one trip. They let you gamble. Food is in. Drinks flow. Pools and entertainment everywhere. In reality, there are only windows around the outside of the boat so it means there are a gang of rooms on each floor that are just tiny little metal boxes. That food seems great on day one and two, then by day three you pretty much can’t eat any more of those chicken fingers. That’s on a cruise where everything goes well. That brings us to the Carnival Triumph.

Carnival Triumph

First tip. If your cruise leaves from Mobile, Alabama. You might not be on the best ship in the fleet. So the Triumph was on the third day of a four day cruise A WEEK AGO when there was a fire that knocked out damn near everything on board. You know how it sucks to have a power outage in your house when you are on dry land with all your stuff. Imagine no lights in the bowels of a cruise ship? Do you know how dark it had to be? Or how hot? Or what it must smell like when they hand you a red biohazard bag to drop a deuce in?


Oh hail naw. And as terrible as that is, it’s got to be the worst to be the guy who has clean that up. Because you know when the people on that cruise were finally set free they weren’t exactly responsible for their own red bags. They need to wrap the whole boat in a red biohazard bag. It was so terrible people wouldn’t even stay below deck, they just built their own tent city out on the deck.

Now when you are in the middle of the sea, and there is no electricity, and no running water, and they can’t move the boat, and they can’t really feed you, and no one is coming to help you, how do you think you feel about that gigantic boat staying afloat.I have to imagine everyone on this boat thought they were going to die, pretty much 24 hours a day.

So what does Carnival do to make it up to people? Refund for your trip. (No shit.) Travel home (You did get people back to Mobile, Alabama a full week late) $500 cash. (Let’s consider that the low ball offer. You made people shit in plastic bags and eat onion sandwiches for five days) And of course, and here’s the big one, A CREDIT FOR ANOTHER CRUISE.


You might as well say you’re handing out unicorns because there is about a zero percent chance anyone is cashing those in. What assholes. They better break out the $5,000 in cash quickly before the lawsuits start coming down. You don’t give people the worst experience of their lives and make it up to them by offering to let them do it again. You give them some loot to say I’m sorry and hope they don’t upload all those terrible pictures to instagram.

So if someone offers to take you on a Carnival cruise. Think twice. They might be trying to take you out, Titanic style.



Isn’t It Time We All Agreed That Valentine’s Day is the Worst Holiday Ever?

Us Versus Them has a long history of pulling the shroud of legitimacy off of all bullshit holidays. President’s Day is a scam. Columbus Day celebrates something that never even happened. Even Black people don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. The Fourth of July is great, but only when it falls on a Friday or a Monday. You get cheated out of your day off when it falls on a weekend, and you can’t properly get your barbecue and beer in on a Wednesday. One day of Independence in the middle of the week isn’t true independence.

If I had to rank my favorite holidays by category I’m gonna go with:

1. Christmas – Because you have to be a real dick not to love Christmas. Yes, I thought about Jewish people as I wrote that, but even the Jewish have to admit that it isn’t Christmas they hate, it’s the fact Christians start celebrating long about 5 days after Halloween. That’s a little like celebrating a potential touchdown by high-stepping at the 30 yard line. We shouldn’t do that. But we do it because CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME.


2. Thanksgiving – Pilgrims. Giving Thanks. Blah, blah, blah. Thanksgiving is a tribute to eating. We have a nationwide turkey sacrifice and celebrate our excess by eating until we can’t anymore and falling asleep. But you’re with family and it’s an almost automatic 4 day weekend. Presents give Christmas the edge, but only by a small margin.

3. Any holiday where you get a day off. I’m talking a real day off. Not the Post Office and the government days off. They’ll close for anything.

4. Holidays where we recognize those who actually did something for our country. MLK Day, Veterans Day, Memorial Day. All good with me. I’m not gonna lie. I have no idea when Veterans day is. But I do appreciate my freedom and their hard work.

5. Holidays where you don’t even get a day off or they are just random and odd. Groundhog Day, I’m looking at you.


Which brings us to the worst day of all. Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know, Valentine’s Day is about love. That’s the worst part of it. You do something in the name of love and all of a sudden we aren’t supposed to realize all the traditions around it are completely ridiculous? Think about it.

First of all, it is long established here at Us Versus Them that Valentine’s Day is Player’s New Year. The day the forces all dudes who are dating more than one woman to declare their main chick.



Or not. Depends on how you work it.

Dinner: Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year. Good luck going to a restaurant today. No one with a grown up job wants to leave work tomorrow to rush home, get dressed up, pick up their wife/girlfriend, go to a fancy dinner they had to lock down the reservation for back in January, drink…but not too much because you have to go to work tomorrow and then only maybe get laid, because she’s tired because it was a long day and she’s got work tomorrow too.

Flowers: I’m actually down with the flowers. Flowers are good all the time. But the roses are kinda overkill. Valentine’s Day is the superbowl for florists. This is the day of the year when they roll out and get paid. While I appreciate that, it means they are getting over on me. I don’t like that.Valentine day chocolate (7)

Chocolate: The box of chocolates? Does anyone like that box of chocolates? Is anyone looking forward to getting a hold of the raspberry nougat filled dark chocolate one? Is it worth it to bite into 4 other chocolates before you find it? Don’t think about that. The answer is no. No one looks forward to raspberry nougat. If they did, they would sell raspberry nougat candy bars right next to the check out at the grocery store next to the Twix, the Kit Kats and all the other delicious candy. They wouldn’t sell it once a year inside of a heart-shaped box of chocolate roulette.

In fact, it’s actually hard to win on Valentine’s Day. But one wrong move and it is easy as hell to lose. Valentine’s Day just puts on a lot of extra pressure and makes you do a lot of extra stuff and it still won’t be a good as a really solid Saturday night date. You get the whole day to hang out, you can rage Saturday night and recover on Sunday. THAT’S a good night. We don’t need to wait for a random day in mid-February to do that.

Have a very Us Versus Them Valentine’s Day y’all.




Best Math Teacher Ever? Introducing Carly Crunk Bear

I’d have to go back to my yearbooks to remember the teacher who taught me math when I was a kid. I just don’t hold on to that information in my head. (Sorry to all those teachers who were trying to make an impact…I turned out ok, but I don’t remember all the names)  All I know is, I don’t ever remember having a hot teacher. That, and the fact that when you are a kid, everyone seems old makes me think all my teachers used to look like this.

She could have been 32 for all I know, when you’re 13, 32 seems like one of the oldest people on the planet. It’s all sensible turtlenecks and tinted glasses at that point. But I was in high school before Twitter, so when my teacher went home they were anonymous. I wasn’t going out to bars drinking, so I wasn’t going to catch her on a Saturday night getting sloshed up and trying to hook up with some dude with her weekend gear and some knee high boots on.

But God Bless the Internet.

Because now, kids with Google and a little since can track down their teachers and find out their Twitter handle is “Carly Crunk Bear”.(I’m pretty sure my teachers didn’t get crunk, but maybe I’m the naive one). I can definitely tell you I’ve never seen a picture of one of my teachers doing this.

Look, I’m sure some of my teachers were smoking them tweeds, but I don’t have a pic. That is the least fun of the pictures by the way because I’m also pretty sure none of my teachers have a tattoo like this:

At least I hope they didn’t.

She calls it her “framp stamp” because it is a tramp stamp in the front. THIS WOMAN IS AN INNOVATOR PEOPLE. Carly Crunk Bear was living her life. I’m not sure if she was sending these pics to anyone in particular (Which on the scale of bad ideas is still a pretty bad idea) but it appears she was just having an open conversation with the Twitter universe. (which on the scale of bad ideas is about as bad as it gets) Especially if this is the way you like to say goodnight to the entire internet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure those pics got her plenty of Twitter followers, but unless you are an aspiring model, there aren’t many reasons to just spray multi-colored pics of your tail piece out on the internets. Unfortunately, one of those reason is being hungry for attention, which may be the case here.

Long time readers know where I fall on this one. I don’t believe a politician who has an affair has to quit automatically because I don’t think sex has anything to do with their job. A politician caught stealing? See ya. Caught with two hands full of booty cheek? If you’re married, you probably aren’t a good person, but you might be able to negotiate the hell out of some legislation. I say carry on. Carly might be a damn good math teacher, and she looks like she’s probably somewhere between 24-26 years old and has a pretty rockin body. She’s pretty proud of it at the very least, and this is what people do on the internet these days. Does that mean she needs to lose her job over it. I don’t think so. Touch a kid? Peace out? Is it good discretion? Not at all. Should you be more responsible? Absolutely. Is it on the list of “you do it once and you are immediately terminated”? I don’t think it should be.

This is the problem with society today. Some things are bad, but are made worse because everyone knows about them. I remember times when a teacher would be out and we’d have a substitute for a whole week. We used to have a legally blind substitute who was not a good teacher and couldn’t see one of us leave the room if we wanted to. THAT WAS NOT A GOOD SITUATION. When that is the substitute, you best believe if Mr. Colton caught got into a bar fight on Friday, stayed in the drunk tank until Monday, caught a two day suspension to get his shit together and came back on Thursday, that was between him, the Principle and the teachers lounge. No one else was ever going to know. You think Rihanna wanted to break up with Chris Brown? Hell no she didn’t. Clearly. She’s back with him right now. But she had to because everyone in the world knew and told her it is what she had to do. Everyone in the world told her how she needed to feel and that Chris could never change. It sparked a national conversation about abuse and she had to be the one person, at age 23, that was strong enough to walk away when tens of thousands of woman couldn’t walk away from that situation for decades. Should she walk? Probably, but because it was a public conversation she had to. 

Carly Crunk Bear gets caught shaking it up on Twitter, now she gets fired because they have to. I just don’t think it is right.

You know what else I don’t think is right? I think Carly actually is a little misguided. Sometimes I think she takes it too far. She might be a damn good math teacher and #TeamUs will defend her from that…

 But she is a horrible aspiring stripper and there is no reason for this picture to exist on the internet. Come on Carly! This pic brings up so many questions. Why couldn’t you achieve a more comfortable handstand? Did you think this picture was sexy? Who took this picture? Was this some elaborate self photo? Why do you have the comforter from your grandma’s bed? OH MY GOD ARE YOU ON YOUR GRANDMA’S BED?

Carly, even I can’t defend this. Girl, stay strong, stay crunk, #FreeCrunkBear, and I believe that children are the future, they just don’t need to see their math teacher twurkin. It’s one way to make them pay attention in Math class though.


Is it Just Me, or Does Ray Lewis Seem a Little Emotional Right Now?

Now that I’ve finally recovered from the Falcons losing to the Niners last week we can start to talk about this Super Bowl. Somehow, Ray Lewis got injured and completely hijacked the playoffs this year. Somehow Ray Lewis is making a comeback and retiring at the same time. How does that work? At least we only have to see this one more time.

Yeah, that’s the old school version with the extra hip wiggle. I guess you don’t have to dance well as long as you dance hard. But Ray is so ridiculous right now, the dance isn’t even close to the most ridiculous thing he’s doing right now.

Did you see him at the beginning of the AFC Championship game? During the National Anthem, and we’re not talking about Beyonce here, I’m talking a three-part harmony country, “why are those other two dudes even there?”, version. Ray lost it like Whitney Houston came back to life to sing the Star Spangled Banner with Michael Jackson on backup vocals, Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Jesus himself on drums.

I can’t take a grown man with face paint and a durag seriously. Ray is crying before the game, after the game. Crying at the crib thinking about the game. Crying while he’s watching the game tape. I don’t know how he can take it, because I sure as hell can’t take it anymore.

I understand football is an emotional game, but Ray can’t  manage to hold it together at all. What the hell is causing this? Was his rehab for the injury just watching The Notebook over and over again? Did he have a Rudy marathon before the Notre Dame national championship game and get inspired by Rudy Ruettiger living his dream? Did he have a sit down with Tim Tebow about his future in the league?

I’m actually scared of what will happen to Ray if the Ravens manage to win the SuperBowl. Here he is after the last win.

Ray Lewis is really putting in some religious work right now. If the Ravens get that Lombardi trophy, Ray might just go ahead and roll out a full sermon, die, resurrect himself, and try to make the holy trinity a holy quadrinity or whatever four holy things would be called. The Father, Son, the Holy Spirit and Ray Lewis. Maybe then, Ray would be able to quote some deeper scripture. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper?” Come on Ray, we all know that one. And what weapon are you talking about? Your triceps injury? Everyone loves you Ray. You’ve been in the league since the 90’s. I can’t name one person who hates Ray Lewis. Okay, maybe that dude you may or may not have murdered in Atlanta, but you can’t really blame them.

Ray, try to turn it down a bit this Sunday. I don’t want to see a man spontaneously explode on the field.


Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

Manti Te’o’s life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.



12 Days of UvT Christmas: Kwanzaa

Dear America,

As a Black person, I’m happy whenever there is an authentic effort made to support the customs and traditions of African Americans. I appreciate it, I really do. Martin Luther King day? Thanks for that. Two term Black president? That was huge. The NBA? Thanks for giving us one of the major US sports. But one thing we don’t really need? Kwanzaa. Here’s a secret. Black people don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. Not at all. Look at this.

Uhhh. I don’t have any kente cloth at the crib. I do not have a sculpture of a bald black woman at the crib. I do not have a single solitary candle in neither Red, Black nor Green.  I feel like the little girl in the middle is the only one who knows this is some bullshit. She just wants to know when she’s gonna get to go see Santa and is hoping “Umoja” is just code for getting a shitload of My Little Pony dolls. Please, stop including Kwanzaa in the same breath as Christmas and Hannukah like it’s legit. It’s not. We aren’t even close. Can we trade Kwanzaa back in for something else? Reparations? Letting us have a black tv show on regular network television? Naming FloRida an honorary White person so we no longer have to claim him? Let me know. I’ll happily sign any necessary paperwork.


12 Days of UvT Christmas: Santa

People love Christmas. As a result, they let a lot of things slide that wouldn’t normally be cool. Like a dude with a Santa costume will get anyone to sit on their lap. It’s a pretty good racket. Look how happy this dude is to have nothing between his junk and Kim Kardashian’s ass but a slinky dress and some red velvet.

That’s the power of a Santa costume. Kim doesn’t normally sit on your lap unless you are, #1. Black and #2. an athlete or R&B star.

Do you want to know who the most attention seeking guy in the world is though? The guy who grows out the Santa style beard and hair and rocks it year round. How are you gonna jack Santa’s style? How sad do you have to be to see a fat dude in a red suit and think that’s the image you want to portray.

Like this dude shut Disneyland the FACK DOWN this summer, he got kicked out of the park because he was driving kids crazy. But seriously, this guy had to know better.

Look, if you are a 300 pound man with long white hair…and you feel the need to rock a beard…you’ve already gone too far. But you CAN NOT go with the curly mustache and the wispy elfin eyebrows. He knows GOOD AND WELL he looks like Santa. He was probably rocking a red t-shirt too. What’s next, people trying to look like the Burger King?

That’s not a good look.


Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys 🙂 Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.