What’s Worse Than Rap Beef? R&B Singer Beef. WE HAVE THE DRAKE VS. CHRIS BROWN FIGHT TAPE!

I’m glad the East Coast – West Coast Beef ended. The secret of rappers is by the time they are actually successful they have real jobs, they are pretty responsible and they aren’t really willing to lose their lives over a few songs. After Biggie and Pac, pretty much everyone else decided they could keep it on the track instead of taking it to the streets. Hit em up is still one of the best songs ever though.

People forget Biggie was more smalls than biggie at one point. Then he got big.

Either way, the worst version of beef is going down right now. R&B beef. We covered a long time ago how R&B singers should never be on the same song. Now I’ve got to make a new rule that R&B singers are not allowed to fight each other. I usually like to set up Us Versus Them, but this just feels like Them Versus Them. It’s as uncomfortable as listening to R&B when you are in the car with your boy. There is nothing good about it. The night before last, I guess Drake was in the same club as Chris Brown.

Point of clarification…this smiley, friendly looking dude:

Was in the club with this pleasant, enthusiastic dancing cat:

Those two were in a club last night and I guess some stuff went down. Chris tried to send Drake some champagne. Drake  said I only drink Bahama Mamas, extra pineapple. Chris was all like “fack yo pineapple!” and some shit broke out.*

*(I don’t know if this actually happened, but whatever happened was sure to be as bitchy as what I just described)

Either way, it sounds like Chris Brown caught the short end of the stick…errrrr…champagne bottle. Because his bodyguard ended up in the hospital and Chris Brown tweeted out a picture of himself with a piece of his chin missing.

When did it become cool to send out pics after you got your ass whooped? What does Chris want to get out of this picture. You don’t get any street cred for getting your ass kicked by a Canadian with an Aaliyah tattoo.

I hope this doesn’t spill over too far. I can’t really handle hearing these two sing to each other all summer. You know what? There actually WAS one good R&B beef. R. Kelly vs. Mr Biggs. But unless one of the lyrics is “I think you better leave this plaaaaaace, ’cause I’m about to caaaaatch a caaaaaaase” it just isn’t worth it. Unless one of them is going to drag the other one into the salt flats and whoop the other ones ass until the can’t walk, it isn’t worth it.

If you aren’t going to hit me with the greatest exchange in R&B history it just isn’t worth it. Let this joint ride until at least until Mr. Biggs hits R. Kelly with that “Wait a minute!”.

The most pimpin line in there is “just because she sees me with her, doesn’t mean I’m sleepin with her.” Now THAT’S how you do R&B beef. Oh wait, that was all fake. Because there is no such thing as two singers anyone ACTUALLY wants to hear fight.

What? Wait a minute. One of the interns just came in with breaking news. We got our hands on the footage. That’s right, Us Versus Them has the footage from the fight. We drop exclusives! Check it.

Come on. The fight wasn’t going to be less bitchy than that. I’m almost 95% sure that’s exactly what the fight looked like.

I would have saved this punk ass fight for Man Up Monday, but I’ve got something much better for that. Have a great weekend Team Us. Happy Fathers Day to all the dads, strap up to all those who don’t want to be dads. Check you on Monday.

-Brock

 

Stuff You Should Never Google

As a person who spends most of his time on the internet looking for ways to entertain thousands of people I’ve never met, I some across a lot of stuff. I’ve put up one of these pics before in another post, but I found more.

I almost didn’t notice ol girl worked in a costume change.

I just lucked out. Don’t know what I was looking for when I found it. I don’t even know what I could have possibly typed in to arrive at that picture.  I also can’t decide if I like the one when he’s trying to pick her up, or when he’s riding her leg like a horse. I think I’m going to go for the horse. He just looks so comfortable up there.

So before I could think it through, I believe I tried to search for “Indian dude and giant woman”.

Fuck.

Might be the worst decision of my life. I’ve been walking around like this for days.

Can’t wipe the look off my face. Don’t do it. Thought I’d share. Also, never search the terms Third Base, Chocolate Pound Cake, or Blue Waffle. (For real NEVER, EVER, eva eva eva look for that last one. While it seems like a perfectly normal delicious Smurf themed breakfast treat you are not prepared for what you will find. I know my vehement warning just made some of you look. So really, whatever you found is your own damn fault.)

-Brock

Come on Bruh! Kanye West Has a Hip Slip

Now I personally prefer a nip slip, but this is too wild to pass up. Now I haven’t talked about the Kanye West and Kim Kardashian relationship yet, and the relationship already seems pretty ridiculous. We all know Kanye likes bad chicks though, so for him…why not? Kanye was getting out of a car with Kim the other day and this happened:

First of all, no grown man should have his pants riding so low it is possible for the thigh to come out, especially  if he’s rocking a velvet blazer. Second, anytime your draws situation allows for the display of that much thigh…you need to reevaluate your draws situation. Even Kanye thinks this situation is a little funny.

Maybe not.

Come on Bruh!

-Brock

That Sh*t Cray! Ball so Hard Mufu*kas Gonna Elect Me…

I’m going to start with the end of the story. This dude might be the hardest, coolest dude in the world.

His name is François Hollande. He is running for President of France and is currently leading the polls. He’s about to beat Sarkozy for the win. That’s actually not why he might be the wildest politician in the world. He is doing something no one else in the world is willing to do. And he is WINNING by doing it. Check out his campaign video. Turn down your speakers, it’s a 1 on the UvT NSFW scale for language. That should give you the hint that shit is about to go down.

http://youtu.be/rT5z_OMaQhg

That’s right, Hollande is rocking Niggas in Paris as his music for his official campaign video to become PRESIDENT OF FRANCE. And he’s winning. I’m not talking about a high school election. I’m not talking about a dude boxing on Saturday and trying to get some hot ring entrance music. I’m talking about a Presidential election in France. Can you imagine Mitt Romney rolling out to Hit Em Up? No you can’t because it is nuts.

Apparently Hollande doesn’t give a damn.

That face pretty much confirms it. My favorite part has to be at the 2:13 mark where the lyric is “bust fist they gotta find me, what’s 50 grand to a mothafucka like me can you please remind me?” as he steps into a car to drive away and is clearly riding in the back of a limo through the French countryside. Unfortunately my least favorite part happens a mere 5 seconds later as he is surrounded by Black people when Kanye says “got my nickas in Paris” and even worse when you get a quick flash of Black people when he says “and they goin Gorillas”. AHNT.

I know, I know, Paris doesn’t have the painful racial history as we do here in America. I know.

Well played Hollande, I’m just glad to know something like this could work in France. I guess Sarkozy is going to be sent home a loser. Wait, Sarkozy will never be a loser because his wife is Carla Bruni.

I have a feeling Sarkozy might do a little “hard balling” himself if he loses. Just not as publicly.

Here’s to hoping the US Presidential election gets anywhere close to this. I like the way they get this done in Europe.

-Brock

World’s Greatest Dance Instructor

Reigning UvT Fantasy Football champion KCTheTruth shot me a hot video on Twitter yesterday. The art of assology is always evolving, but it is a science of observation. Assology was never designed to really be instructional. But I think I’ve found a partner who aligns with the spirit and principles of Assology. Her instructional video may be as important as any of the work I’ve done over the last few years. It’s truly remarkable and revolutionary. This is for the women of UvT. I expect you to be working at home and I’ll be asking you to submit homework videos showing your progress. On to the video. I’ll call it a low 3 on the UvT NSFW scale.

That’s right. She took a standard issue Asian booty (her words…not mine) and made it clap. Work from the core ladies and keep everything else relaxed. She’s really applying that science to it. This is about as unexpected as ass can get right there. I thought you either had it or you don’t. I’m going to reach out to her and get you ladies an instructional video on how to pop a single cheek. Thank me later.

-Brock

———-UPDATE————–

I was thinking about watching reviewing the video again and it’s hilarious how she really implies that you should just work on the back bend…maybe before a few weeks…before you get into full on ass clappin. She really doesn’t want to be responsible for any injuries out there. Also, who is she teaching? Do non-stripper chicks just hang at home putting time into an ass clap? Like it that a finishing move when a babe wants to get married? It would probably work.  But damn.

A Solution For All the Skinny Chicks

As an Assologist, I try to ignore the various methods of booty modification available to ladies these days. Some go with the Booty Pop, others go with a permanent Ass-gel, some hit that gym hard, and others go the other way and just hit the biscuits and gravy.

Apparently, the drug store already has a solution. I had never seen it before, but I was in my local CVS and came across this:

All you’ve got to do is “Thick-It”. So brilliant, I wish I thought of it. From the look of it though, they need a little advice from the old art and package design company. They are literally dripping dollops of Thick-It on the product package. If that is what Thick-It is, I’m pretty sure I’ve been making direct deposits of Thick-It for a long time, and I have found that on occasion the recipients of Thick-It have, in fact, had “Swallowing Disorders”.

I just didn’t know how much I was helping and how large of a problem it was for the ladies out there.

I should have just dropped this under “Unintentional Porn”. The makers of “Thick-It” really could not have piled on more sexual references onto this can if they tried. Maybe if they changed the product name.

Even that talks about full flavored indulgence.

I didn’t know that dollops were the key ingredient to helping a chick thicken up. I thought it was an old myth that chicks started getting thick once they started having sex, but now I guess it wasn’t just rumor. It must be true if they are making a dollop supplement. Ladies, if you need this product, don’t resort to CVS, I can get you an unlimited supply of fresh product. It’s organic. So that’s got to be good for you, right?

-Brock

UvT Exclusive: I Have PROOF OJ Simpson is NOT Khloe Kardashian’s Dad

I don’t need DNA evidence, I’m just going to use common sense. Come with me now won’t you?

While Kim is the Kardashian who rose to fame with a sex tape and an inspirational tail piece, the most controversial Kardashian might just be Khloe.

Why? Well, some people say they don’t exactly know how she fits in to the family. She’s about 6 inches taller than everyone else in her family and she looks a little different. You know what’s messed up, I had their ages all wrong. I basically assigned them ages by size. But Kourtney (the little one) is the oldest, and Khloe (the big one) is actually the youngest. See, there is the important information I need from Wikipedia. I’m so glad it didn’t get shut down last week. How else would be know intimate information about tenuously defined celebrities. Anyway, in the most diabolically genius headline to come out of the tabloids in a long time, they are saying the OJ Simpson is Khloe’s REAL dad.

How many times has OJ Simpson been sitting around by himself and said “You know what? My life CAN’T get any worse”. Yet, dude just cant win.

I will say this, OJ Simpson was a good 7 inches taller than Khloe’s dad Robert Kardashian.

That’s Robert on the left right next to OJ with the Pauly D hair. SO that would explain Khloe’s size and height. It’s actually the first time anyone has come up with an explanation of why Khloe looks so different. That’s why everyone wants to accept it. But here’s my thing. Let’s concentrate on the story that had to go down to make it happen. There are only a few scenarios.

1. OJ Simpson and Robert Kardashian are good friends. OJ was kicking it at the crib and rolled up on Kris one night. For that to happen, OJ would have to give up his long proclivity for blonde women. I just don’t believe that happened.

2. If you take the three Kardashian sisters and you have to pick one to be the one who has the black father…wouldn’t you pick the one with the gigantic ass who loves to date Black men? Why isn’t anyone pinning Kim on OJ?

3. They are trying to say Khloe looks like OJ’s daughter Sidney.

That’s the worst evidence ever assembled right there. Those two women look nothing alike.

So I’m going to let OJ off the hook right now.  There is no way he is the father of Khloe Kardashian. Now everyone leave that poor girl alone. She’s already the big little sister. Now you are going to try to pin her with a probable murderer who is in jail. At this point OJ might want to be the father. Khloe is married to a Lamar Odom, she’s got a tv show and makes her own money. OJ would be on Maury hoping the paternity test comes back positive.

OJ…you ARE the father.

-Brock

 

Bill Clinton Wishes He Was Seven Feet Tall

Bill Clinton is a great dude. We know now that even though he willingly took on the most stressful job in the world, he still liked to have fun on the side.

The older that picture gets, the more hilarious Monica’s hat gets. It also gets more hilarious that Bill saw that ridiculous Smurf had with the bow and thought to himself…that is one fine, pretty lady. Bill is a pretty tall guy and Monica looks like she is holding her own from a height standpoint. But after this picture, I’m sure Bill’s imagination was running wild.

I know Hillary Clinton is not literally half the height of Kareem Abdul Jabbar, that would make her about 3 and a half feet tall, but she certainly looks half his height here. Kareem’s hands are so big here, he looks like he could literally facepalm her entire face.

Now I’m not trying to imply that anything went down between Kareem and Hillary after this picture was taken, but with the recent news that Derek Jeter likes to break off his one night stands with a gift basket of Jeter memorabilia, this picture suddenly seems suspect.

Now Kareem hasn’t worn a Lakers jersey since 1989 (Thank God Wikipedia is back up! Whew.) and he’s still breaking chicks off with that number 33. It comes all the way down to her knees too. Now I’m not sure what Hillary gave to Kareem. Maybe one of those certificates for attendance that you get in Elementary school? She needs to step up her post hookup gift game.

Either way, Bill is wishing he had thought about the custom basketball jersey back in the Lewinsky scandal days.

That could have solved the whole “Stain on the dress” problem. I’m just sayin.

-Brock