Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

Manti Te’o’s life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Kanye West

Kanye West has provided some of the best moments in WTF? history. He clearly jumped to the top of the list with the incredible “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” bomb he dropped on live TV. I think Mike Myers is still shook.

Kanye can’t even get all the words out. Has Mike Myers made a movie since then? Shrek doesn’t count. Now you know Kanye really messed up when there is a Man Up Monday, and the thing Kanye did that we are NOT talking about is THIS.

Kanye has adopted the fill on abominable snowman outfit at a concert a few weeks ago. All White after Labor day is a bold choice. The skirt/tuxedo jacket/raincoat is inspired. But when he decided to put on the yeti mask, he went too far.

The real story is that Kanye knocked up Us Versus Them favorite Kim Kardashian. Now I know Kim has her own money but didn’t Kanye actually put out a song called “Gold Digger”? Or does he never go back to listen to his old music? Look, I’m not saying Kim’s a golddigger, I’m not. But…looking at her track record, from what I know, based on public information I could get my hands on, she does not appear to be messing with no broke ni**as.  Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and Kanye West? She’s clearly built a financial requirement over the years. I also suspect that she’s only up for dating guys who’s names begin with the letter K. Kris and Kanye would fit in perfectly with Kris, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

I’m just glad Kim wasn’t around in the early 90′s because there would be a three-way sex tape with Kris Kross. It would have been filmed on an incredibly unwieldy VHS tape at the time with a gigantic camera, but I could see it happening. It’s gotta suck to date a girl where you KNOW who her last five boyfriends were. Do you even ask a chick like that what her sex number is? Look, she was married to Kris, so you know he hit it. And he’s a seven footer. Reggie Bush played in the NFL so you have to assume he wouldn’t date her for that long without getting some, and we got Ray J on tape. Everyone saw him get it. That probably cuts a lot of conversations short.

Kanye, how are you just gonna baby mama up Kim Kardashian? Don’t get me wrong…

I can see why she might be fun to hang out with, but c’mon Ye? Have you just been on too many double dates with Jay and Beyonce and felt left out? Because Kanye and Kim ain’t not Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Anyone who has followed Kanye knows the dude is a real freak. The only question is how freaky did it get? Roleplay freaky?

I could see Kanye getting Stormtrooper/Princess Leia freaky. But I think he’d go even farther than that.

Exactly. Permed out lion, white boy with some headphones, and Princess Leia freaky. That’s how Ye gets down. In a Cosby sweater no less. Hell, that might actually be what their kid looks like. A silky haired cartoon character.

Kanye, You get the Man Up award this week, and you just made the cutoff to be considered for the 2012 UvT Awards. In fact, you might already have Man Up f the Decade locked up as well. Might as well wife her up at this point. I really want to see Kanye ice grilling in the Kardashian Family Picture, just struggling to fit in. Actually, with that Yeti outfit, he already fits in.

Looking good Yeezy. Is that Kobe? I shoulda known he wasn’t going to let an all white everything pic slide without him being involved.

Kanye, Man UP!

-Brock

So You Got Caught Cheating…Or Did You?

We’ve covered a lot of kinds of cheating. We’ve covered people who cheat with women significantly less attractive than their women. We’ve covered sex addicts. But we’ve never really covered what constitutes cheating.

Because there is a whole range of cheating that really deserves some discussion.

Let’s start with the easy stuff. If you have sex with a woman who is not your wife or girlfriend, you are a cheater. That’s black and white. Everyone agres that is cheating. After that, I think things are up for grabs, stick with me here.

Blow jobs.

Now I know everyone wants to throw this directly in the “definitely cheating” category, but we have to follow the logic. If a girl considers herself a virgin until she has regular, non oral sex, then can oral sex always be cheating? So when you’re a virgin suckin dack doesn’t count, but once you give it up, it is violation number one? That’s not fair. If you aren’t cheating on your virginity, as bestowed upon you by the lord himself, can you really be cheating on your significant other? Not so easy anymore is it? Let’s call it up for discussion for now.

Let’s jump to the other end of the spectrum.

Emotional cheating: Non-contact? That’s bullshit. Moving on.

Strip club:

This appears to be a important carve out on the cheating spectrum. A mostly naked woman grinding into your pelvis with nothing between you and her but a friction worn bathing suit bottom seems like it could go either way. Obviously we aren’t talking any action back to the Champagne room and end up in another category…wait a minute, fackin in the champagne room is only an illusion. That’s still cool too. This is another example of how men have already won. This carve out is already set in stone. It’s a designated, demilitarized, no cheat zone, we love it. Thanks.

Kissing: This is an extension of the emotional cheating. Unacceptable in a relationship, but may not be a game killer.

Hand job:


I believe we have all agreed in this forum that the hand job is the saddest form of sex possible. Yet because nuts will potentially busted it is firmly under consideration and possibility for cheating. I have to say this is certainly the worst possible way to go out. If you gotta give up half for a handy, you have just made the worst bargain of all time. Also, hands are deliberate, intimate, and very intentional. Too much risk, not enough reward here, steer clear.

So where is the sweet spot? I was pondering this while listening to the inspiring lyrics of 2 chainz. Poetry if you will.

Wood grain - chestnut,

titty f*ck - CHEST NUT!

(UPDATE: after clicking that link, I should warn you it contains loud audio. While the idea of 2 Chainz erupting into your office talking about “Chestnuts” makes me laugh, I would be a dick not to add this disclaimer…which means I almost didn’t add this disclaimer.)

That’s right, Us Versus Them is endorsing the titty f*ck as the greatest balance of cheating and sexual pleasure. It is the strip club of sex. Your dack never technically enters anything. You are still in contact with the sexy…boob men have to find this appealing. And it is possible to still get a full bust. I feel like a hitting those J’s is nothing more than masturbation using someone else’s body, so go for it. Just make sure she doesn’t kiss the tip at the top of the stroke, then you move into oral sex and that’s a violation. If you want to execute this technique, you must be technically sound to ensure you remain within the parameters of our carefully constructed exception.

Feel free to use this post and the logic contained within as proper authority to try this advice. But Us Versus Them is not responsible for any consequences.

I feel like I just cracked the code on this one. I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.

-Brock

 

Update Your Player Calendars: It’s Cuffing Season!

The Player Calendar continues to get built out. We identified Players New Year a few years ago. For those who don’t know, you can check out that article HERE. Players New Year is also know as Valentines Day for most people. But for a player, that is the day when you have to choose a chick on your roster or let em all go.

Unless you are really pimpin.

If so, carry on.

But there is a new update to the players calendar. It’s known as “cuffing season”. Cuffing season begins now people so it is time to get yourself together. Really it may already be too late. When it gets cold outside it is time to get yourself a cuff. You ever tried to work these streets in the winter? It’s brutal. Chicks don’t want to come out in the rain and snow when it is cold. You can’t even get to these women. Does this woman look like she’s coming out of the house if she doesn’t have to?

Hells no. She’s not coming out and neither is any other woman. Let’s be honest it’s the off season. No reason to waste game time level effort playing pickup ball. So what you need to do is find a lady and lock her down. I’m not talking about a ball and chain, I’m talking about a voluntary handcuff to get you through the winter.

That way you can reserve your energy and come out in the spring full of energy and ready for the season. I’m a firm believer in cuffing season. Hell, I took a redshirt cuffing year in college just to work on my game.

Just make sure you don’t miss the cutoff date. I’m not saying it’s impossible out there, but you gotta think about wasted effort out there. Don’t run up hills if you don’t have to.

I know some members of  Team Us already have their cuffing game down. Are there any other player holidays out there? The first good warm day that brings all the ladies back out?

Now, while I like the image of cuffing season, I was never too crazy about the name. Until I realized “Cuff” spelled backwards is “Ffuc”. And that’s what cuffing season is really all about. I’m with it.

-Brock

WTF?!? $337 Million Lottery Winner Donald Lawson Vows To Keep Eating McDonalds

The idea of the lottery is a great concept. It is actually the only form of gambling I believe in. When I go to Vegas I just can’t hit the tables. For some reason my mind can’t wrap around the idea of gambling. I like my $500 in my pocket just fine. I’m not willing to risk it just to get my hands on your $500. Most gambling is kinda sad. People are really banking on that win on that slot machine. All I know is every time I talk to a cab driver in Vegas, the first thing they tell me is stay away from the tables.

But the lottery is different. There is no reasonable person who thinks they are going to win. But a dollar to win a chance at $300 Million? Those are my kind of odds. My life is probably going to be exactly the way it is now. But for just one dollar, I might get a shot at changing everything. Now, I’m not the drop a $20 every week kind of guy, for a shot at $1.7 million. Those odds aren’t good enough. But if the numbers get right, I’ll drop $10 on em about once a year or so.

I don’t know what I’d do with the money…Although I’m pretty sure I’d set up at least one Money Mayweather style photo shoot.

I’m pretty sure outside of that, the lottery is just some choreographed government conspiracy. Why don’t rich people who already know how to handle their shit ever win the lottery? Has anyone ever seen an interview standing in front of that big ass check where the person says “I’m glad I will have the opportunity to use this to create generational wealth for myself and my family and this money will accelerate a few entrepreneurial ventures I already have in place.

Don’t even click on the comments below, no you haven’t, you see this dude.

That is an actual lottery winner from 2010. His story is crazy. He had less than $30 in his bank account when he won (still got those lotto tickets though). I love a good rags to riches story as much as the next dude, but why would I expect a dude who doesn’t know you need front teeth to get a job to manage $124 Million dollars? I can’t explain why the government would do it. I’m not too experienced with the government conspiracy thing, but I have no other explanation for the people who win the lottery.

This last winner took the cake though. Donald Lawson from Michigan won $337 Million last week. The first thing he said is that he isn’t a lobster and filet mignon type of guy, so he’s just gonna keep eating McDonalds.

I’m not mad at the fact that the dude eats McDonalds, I’m mad at the fact that the outer reaches of his imagination are lobster and filet…even then, he was like screw it, I’ll take the double cheeseburger. I like it though, you have to respect a guy who knows who he is and isn’t willing to change just because he has money.

I’ll tell you what DIDN’T come out of his mouth though. I’ll tell you one piece of his lifestyle he is going to change. That dude isn’t wearing a wedding ring.He didn’t stand up at the podium and say, “I’m gonna just keep on trying to figure this whole dating thing out and let things fall where they may. Maybe someday the right girl will come along and we will find love and a chance to share this miracle of money. Nah. According to the Us Versus Them Scale of 1-10 for what ladies are looking for, Dude just jumped about 6-7 slots into the highly desirable category. You know what that means.

Sorry, I was referencing the black dude handbook, Donald probably won’t make it rain in the club, but I guarantee he’s gonna hit the beach.

I won’t be mad at him either.

Hopefully the guy decides to at least try a Five Guys Burger or something. Time to step up to the big leagues on his burger game. I have a feeling it will blow his mind and start him down the slippery slope. He has no idea what’s coming.

-Brock

 

Life on Mars: They Must Think We’re Real Idiots

When I was a kid I loved NASA. Who didn’t? I even got suckered into Space Camp. I’m talking freeze dried ice cream. Some old school janky IMAX and a B.S. “moon jumper” which is pretty much the same as the worst kiddy ride at your favorite amusement park. As far as I was concerned unless I was going to get to be weightless or go in that g force thing that spins you around fast so your face stretches back, we might as well have been out in the woods at regular camp.

First it was the moon, but now we are sending things to Mars. Mars is when NASA really gets cool. We’re talking about seeing if we can find water, see if humans can live on Mars, and the most important thing, see if we can discover life on Mars. So we sent up the Mars rover Curiosity.

That’s right, the apex of human achievement placed a little tank on another planet. Curiosity is up there taking pictures of itself, checking out rocks, doing soil samples, getting it in. The thing is, it only moves like 30 yards an hour. That’s the distance of a good NFL play. Isn’t this an American mission? I thought we were build for speed. I guess when you have one shot on a billion dollar truck, you don’t want to get too get too out of control.

You know what? Now that I think about it, all of this only sounds impressive if you are one of these dudes.

At least the dude close to me found one of the two ladies in the room. The guy behind him looks like he’s been planning that hug for a long, long time. There are a few acceptable ways to hug another man, but your arms down low, his arms up high, head back, big smile on your face as you thrust your junk into another man’s crotch is not one of them. Damn man.

Let’s say there was life on Mars. Is this the best representation of human achievement? Is this what we want to be our introduction to people from another planet? Let’s imagine for a second the Martians sent something here to Earth.

Imagine a little tank lands in the desert outside of Vegas and starts moving around at 30 yards an hour. We would be impressed and alarmed for about three days. then we would realize all the damn thing did was shoot rocks with a laser and that it had only gone a block and a half in that three days. After about two weeks we’d be playing tricks on the rover, making it zap little piles of dog crap, hiding from it so it never sends back signs of life. Then a few weeks later, we would be talking about how easy it would be to kick a Martians ass if this little tank was the best they could do.

Somewhere there is a Martian thinking that right now. Next time we just need to send this:

NASA wouldn’t even need more money. McDonald’s would sponsor the whole thing. I’m pretty sure ol Ronald McDonald would drop a billion to have the first sponsored ride on Mars. They would probably open a new restaurant a few weeks after the McMarsRover touched down.

I’m pretty sure McDonalds fries would be the ultimate negotiation tool with the Martians. They might give up the whole planet for a Super Size fries and a Sweet Tea.

That’s how Us Versus Them would run the space program…which is probably why we aren’t in charge of the space program.

-Brock

 

Barry Bonds Looks a Little Different

I think that’s it. Yeah I think he’s been working out. I can’t quite place it. Maybe you can help me out. Let’s take a look. Here’s the Barry Bonds we all know.

He’s a big boy. Head the size of the astrodome itself. Arms the size of the legs of other grown men. This is the Barry Bonds that was launching baseballs into McCovey Cove for a decade. This week, Barry decided to go for a bike ride and this is what we got instead.

Say what, now? Is that Barry Bonds or the dude from the Red Stripe commercial? Boo steroids, Hooray Beer! Unless that dude is the size of Triple H, and I’m pretty sure he’s not, Barry seems to have lost a few pounds. While I don’t doubt that he has a great eye, quick hands, and the power to send it out of the park every once in a while…that looks like warning track power to me. Maybe some of those other guys have slimmed down too.

Let’s see, Roger Clemens was just in court and has was supposedly on that juice, maybe he’s slimmed down too.

Damn, Rocket! You still on that stuff? You trying to get out there again? You look like you might be shooting up under that suit jacket right now. What about Mark McGwire?

You know what? I’m not even going to pull up a recent picture of him. That dude was so big I think it might actually be impossible for him to lose weight. No one expects the Incredible Hulk to slim down unless he turns into Bruce Banner, so unless someone tells me Mark McGwire was hit by gamma rays in the mid 90′s and he’s really a skinny dude named Marty McIntyre who has just been angry for the last 20 years, I’m just going to keep assuming that Mark McGwire is still the same size.

Here’s my question though. Does the fact that Barry Bonds is skinny now mean he is more guilty or less guilty of being on the roids? If two guys stayed big and one guy went back to skinny, base stealing, Pittsburgh Pirates Barry Bonds, who was really on the stuff. Different results means different  approaches, right?

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little shook by that picture. Barry looks about 190 in that pic. When he played, he was a good 230. If anyone knows what happened to the rest of Barry Bonds, hit me up.

-Brock

Did the NBA Agreement Include Paying Turrible Players Lots of Cash?

The NBA Season just ended, there aren’t any new NBA games until November, and while the Olympic team is mildly entertaining, the trades are as entertaining as the games ever were. There are a LOT of players who probably shouldn’t get paid who are stacking loot right now.

There is a certain point where players are just trying to get a ring. That explains Ray Allen playing in Miami for $3 million a year. I’m not sure I agree with it, dude already has a ring, but it is hard to say someone shouldn’t try to get another one. But while a guaranteed Hall of Famer who holds the record for most three pointers ever is getting paid $3 million, Jeremy Lin is going to get $5 million this year, $5.2 next year and FOURTEEN MILLION the year after that. $14 Milli? Dude had, like, 15 hot games last year for a squad that literally just ran out of players.

That’s called laughing all the way to the bank right there.

I’m sure there are lots of contracts all over the league even more ridiculous than that, but if you want to see a lot of them at once, just take a look at the Brooklyn Nets. Mikhail Prokhorov is balling out of control like a REAL billionaire.

He’s slinging money like everyone deserves a max contract. Brook Lopez is tall and average, that will get you $14 million a year for the next four years. Kris Humphries is even less tall and even MORE average, so that will get you $12 million a year. I guess that quick marriage to Kim Kardashian paid off. People actually think Kris Humphries is valuable now. That are offering me $2.5 just to talk shit and clap from the end of the bench. I’m going to try to hold out if the Rockets want to pick me up as trade bait for Dwight Howard. The Brooklyn Nets are so wild they BOUGHT one of the worst contracts out there. They picked up Joe Johnson from the Hawks for $20 Million this year and $25 Million four years from now. That contract sucked when Atlanta signed it two years ago. Lebron made a “sacrifice” to get a ring, but Joe Johnson gets paid more than Lebron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh over the next four years. That’s terrible.

I guess I should have given the players more credit in the negotiation last summer. These dudes are getting paid. How much money do these owners have to be making to break off Jeremy Lin with $25 million? How is that dude going to pull down $14 million in 2014? Can I say it again? World Champion Lebron James, the first or second best player on the planet is getting $17 million next year. I like Jeremy Lin as much as the next guy, but once that NY shine is off of him he’s nothing but a point guard on a team you will never see on TV next season.

Now if they can just land Dwight Howard somewhere so we can stop talking about it I’d be happy. When is Football season? Can’t come quickly enough.

-Brock