Beware of Women’s Rights (And Lefts)

There’s one question that I’ve struggled with over the years. Probably the most confusing issue that whenever it comes up, I just don’t know the answer. There is no more confusing of a question.

Actually, I’m lying.  As Rufus Jackson discovered on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when misfortune reared it’s ugly head on the very first question of the night, there is one age old question that keeps Skip Gates, Dr. Cornell West, Michael Eric Dyson, Flava Flav and the greatest of African-American thinkers puzzled…

 

 

If you missed that episode, wild Rufus used up every single lifeline on this, the very first question.   Called up his boy who said “You on your own, Playboy”, the audience voted 25% for each answer but 90% refused to answer the question and when he asked to eliminate 2 answers, the producer screamed from the back “Hey man, we just gonna eliminate 3 on the next question.  Cool?”   They ran out of time for the evening and the next morning, Rufus didn’t show up.  Instead he filed a law suit claiming “racially biased insensitive misconduct,…and cheatin’”, claiming they asked a million dollar difficulty level question on the 10 dollar question.  Anyway, its still in the courts, but I digress.

The real question that I was pondering was is there ever a time when men hitting women is justified?   Clearly, the answer is different  depending on the dude you ask.   Cats always talk about if there’s a bunch of them beating you up…  Look man, if you’re attacked, there’s a lot of them, she’s holding some wild sharp weapon or a hot pot of grits, I get it.  Do what you must to avoid being Al “Hot Grits on My Face” Green.  For me, I’m a tall dude in pretty good shape, I feel like I can escape most situations without having to lay hands on any nicc/ll/ppessez* (copywritten/trademarked by Ol Bertie Brown from the comments).    I’m more talking about the dude who is the clear aggressor, he ain’t been hit yet, he’s not defending, he’s attacking.    I can’t see it. I can’t find the answer to the question of “when is that right?”

I’ll tell you this though.  If that is YOU and you like to go around slapping your chick because she’s missed a step at the party…

 

 

…you need to take into consideration one thing….  Women’s rights.  And by that I mean women’s right hooks, jabs, uppercuts and forearms. They ain’t playing anymore. Let’s just back up.  Luigi up in that video thought it was fine to just wax on, wax off, wax on slap up his ol lady on the dance floor to tighten her up, and then they’d get back to bagpipe lindying to some wild Kazakhstan music played while the credits were rolling at the end of Borat???   Nobody in the place could stay on beat.  Speedy Gonzalez, The Flash and Dash Incredible would have had trouble keeping up.   Anyway.  In this day and age, if you are thinking about coming with that Clark Gable slap a chick, you better be ready to be caught like homey ponytail…

 

 

If you go around smashing people’s pumpkins, this couuuuld happen to you.   And if you do decide to come with the slappittees, you better not turn your back on the lady.   She just might have been in the gym and you might find yourself counting sheep…

 

 

You know this cat was mad.  This choking out was not consensual.   In his mind he was like “I can’t believe this bish choked me out on my show…….and there’s NOTHING I can do about it.”  And finally, that guy that is going for more than the slap.  Nothing is better than seeing him get what he deserves by the intended victim.  Now, I don’t know what this next guy wanted, but he certainly didn’t get it.

 

 

She put the beats on this dude.   There’s actually a lesson in that for all of us.  Women, take some self defense lessons.  Even if you don’t apply the techniques correctly when the situations arises, you’ll have some confidence in fighting back.  For the rest us, if a cat gets on the elevator rocking a pulled down hat, thick jacket…and bare feet.  Unless it’s somebody in your family, just exit the elevator immediately.

So take it from these unfortunate representatives of Team Them…..Stay clear of those women’s rights!

 

- Mike

The Almost Lakers Trade: This is Hilarious

I really thought that CP3 and Dwight Howard to the Lakers was about to happen.

It didn’t.

But that doesn’t make this any less funny:

That’s hilarious. Shout to @ThisisMack for making it. Funny as hell.

-Brock

UvT League: Fantasy Football Playoffs

EDITORS NOTE: The UvT Fantasy Football League is heading into the Playoffs and Commissioner Jezus is back with a recap.

————————————–

Playoffs? Playoffs? Playoffs!

Well we have come to the end of the regular season in the UvT Fantasy Football League. 6 of the 12 teams make it in & they are as follows:

1st Seed: Turd Ferguson

2nd Seed: KC The Truth

3rd Seed: Team Us

4th Seed: CoCo

5th Seed: Jezus

6th Seed: H8torade

 

Now I know what you guys are thinking, “Jezus is the 5th seed?” Right now, Dad is busy with Tim Tebow in Denver. You just don’t know how many miracles it takes to make sure that kid keeps winning. To be honest though, he has a huge backlog of prayers that should get him to week 17. Also, I have a feeling some folks made a deal with a certain individual before Week 1.

 

Anyway, we had a 1st time occurrence this season. 4 teams from one division made the playoffs. I have ran this format for 4-5 years and it has never happened. I was pretty damn sure it was the top 3 from each division and that was it. Probably some other deal cut without my knowledge. I sorta feel bad for Jumpsuit Al though. He went from feeling like he was playoff bound to the FF Jerome Simpson….

Out the picture quick!

 

Round 1:

Mr. Hankey is sitting on a bye, but in Round 2, the loss of Forte is going to hurt. He still has Rodgers & Gronk, but not sure if that is going to be enough going forward.

KC is the truth wants people to brang they ass. Dude really has a solid team. Top 10 guys @ QB & RB…and the # 1/2/3 WR’s in the league. (Oh shit! I didn’t notice that until just now.) My prediction: Epic battle between KC & Team Us.

In the battle of the bloggers we have H8 vs Team Us.

Could be an interesting matchup, but with the smashing Brock has been putting on people and H8’s lack of talent at this point, this will probably be a “Sandusky” come Monday morning.

Brock is 10-3 knocking folks out with Breezy at the helm.

Naw, not that Breezy, Drew Brees. CJ decided to stop bullshitting and tote that rock like he is getting paid to do, and being able to flip between Willis & Beans @ the RB2 is always a good thing. Oh and he did pick up Gates from FA….Purp, your still an asshole. Dude is tied for the best record for a reason. Real shot at the money. H8 has some dudes, problem is all the good ones are hurt. AD might come back this week, but Freddy J is done for the year. Matthews & Wallace could pop and keep it close, I just don’t see it happening.

 

In Game 2 we have CoCo vs Jezus.

 

CoCo has a pretty solid squad. I don’t want to give to much credit here, but a top 10 QB & RB combo is always a good thing to have. Romo could have a huge day….but more than likely he will just have an okay day and the Cowboys will win, or lose by 3-6 pts. (Still ahead of the G-men by a game in the East!)

I on the other hand have Jr…..

& Ray who just dropped 200 yards on the Browns like it ain’t no thang….

Should be some good games coming up.

As for the remaining teams that didn’t make it to the post-season…….really, who gives a shit?

- Mr. Jezus

UvT News: We Did It

Big News for Team Us.

We did it. Us Versus Them is going to be a show.

We’ve got a long way to go and there is a lot that needs to happen before we launch, but I’m trying to make it the biggest, most popular show out there. I can promise you this. It is going to be all about Team Us. It is going to be all the things you love about coming to UvT. For all the loyal UvT readers (especially my people in the comments) we want to find a way to make sure we hold on to the same things that make you come here.

There will be a few changes around here though. First of all, I’m going back to clean up the archives. Changing a few things, deleting a few things, editing a few things. I’m starting at the back, so if you want to read the old stuff, get started. We will still be here posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we will still have the UvT end of the year Awards, Herman Cain will end up with more hoes than Tiger Woods, and someone will still be told to Man Up every Monday.

For those who read the site everyday and really want to see it go to the next level I have a favor to ask. Tell at least one friend about the site. If you have a twitter account and don’t follow us @uvtblog hit the link and follow us. Go ahead and “like” us on Facebook, hit that link here. Share the articles with friends. I’m going to be sending out some exclusive content and specials to the people who help us grow.

More news later, but I had to tell you as soon as I got the word.

Team Us is about to take over. You’re all coming with me.

-Brock

 

Matter over Mind

On vacation visiting Mom Dukes for a week and I peeped this last week on the AMA’s….J Lo siting. She’s still got it!  All I can say is that I had the same reaction Pitbull had….

…Nuts!

That’s all I have to say about that.  Really, I just wanted to share an incredible event that I was blessed to witness.    Today I learned an amazing lesson in Mind over Matter. I would like to say that I witnessed a 60 year old man bench press 475 lbs.  That’s a full 175 lbs more than I’ve ever pushed up.  This man was focused.  Old school, no gloves, just talcum powder. And I, of all people, would be the one to witness and photograph this amazing feat.  It’s mind over matter.  He’s getting his mind right..

 

 

He leans back. Takes a deep breath. Makes a primal grunt. Yes. I was there, those are my sweatpants bottom left corner. I would like to say that today I saw a 60 year old warrior bench press 475 lbs!…..

 

 

…but I can not. Instead, I saw a 60 year old man almost kill himself. In a split second, I had to decide between photographing this man’s death or running over to help lift more than twice my own weight off this dude. I did the human thing. It took two of us to lift it off his chest. He was immediately escorted to the back by the gym officials and given a stern lecture…..again, apparently.   During a pause in their screaming at him, they demanded a response before going in on him again, he whispered softly “Can…can someone go get my bag for me? It’s…it’s red.”  Then the screaming continued.

 

 

The only thing that remained was the ghost of a once proud and confident man who’s shorts were too small and who had to learn the hard lesson of Matter over Mind.

-Mike

Lake, you know aint nothing changed but my limp….

Yo, what’s up peoples?  I’m back, yes again and I’ve got some pretty basic observations:

Observation No. 1 – Jessica Biel still looks like a model, except she got a lil more ass…

Dammit, this babe is as fine as she wanna be.  It hurts, bad.

Observation No. 2 – I hate when people kiss babies on the mouth.

Maybe it’s just me.  But keep your diseased infested lips off a baby’s.  Bad enough they had to be all up in the cooch, now you trying to finish the job the devil couldn’t do?  Disgusting.

Observation No. 3 -I hate men on bikes.

I mean, seriously, is there anything in this world worse than a grown man on a bike?

Well, perhaps than the impassive looking gaze of this 6 foot 3, 250 lb plus bullshit cat that does nothing when he hears ahem “slapping noises” and then sees worse.  DAMMIT!

Trust me when I tell you, the worst thing in this world is a grown ass man on a bike.  I used to think it was just the two wheeled thug that got under my skin so much.  And for those of you that live in Urban environments, you know the type.  The cat that rolls up like he isn’t sitting on a child’s toy, leaning back, usually controlling the Schwinn with one hand because he’s just stylin’ like that.

(we won’t even touch the pimped out bike industry…I mean, for real?  You can’t pimp your ride, so you spray gold paint on your bike?  Very classy)

And then there is the standard gear.  First, he’s usually wearing shorts.  In the south, it’s just regular shorts, sagged-out with the standard flip flops and socks combo (which is still a look I personally embrace).  In the north, it’s the ever so ahnt baggy shorts over the soiled work pants, as if these assholes ever work.

(and yes, that is CJ from San Andreas!!!  lol)

And then he does it.  The moment none of us can believe, but that still happens over and over and over again.  This good for nothing, no job having (he’s on a BIKE), no account, bullshit mufucka who if he actually had a set of nizzuts, would probably populate the world with more 3 year olds than Antonio Cromartie….THIS cat has the audacity to eyeball me at the light as he wisely waits to see if I’m going to stop or pull a patented Lake rolling red move.  Then once he sees that I do in fact break for losers, he slowly gains momentum, powers his wheels, and then dares to mean mug me as if to say, “I wish a nilla would” as he gingerly balances his bike a hither and tither across the street the the damn other side…

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa  Jeez.  Yo, you can’t mean mug on a bike.  You just can’t.  Meanwhile, this happens to me like every other week and I’m always sitting on 250 German horses while this jackass is sittin on two Popeyes fed chicken legs (not even with the red beans and rye).  In that moment, I always just wish I had my current favorite Lil Wayne joint cued up so I could roll down the windows and blast that cat….  Yep:

Always Strapped when I’m in the club, nillas give me dap, yatches give me hugs, BECAUSE I’M PAID, bikers MEAN MUGGIN’ ME (????), so I mean mug em back, Bikers mean muggin me!!!???? You know I’m allllllways skrapped!!!!!

Anyway, these cats just break all the rules, ie. looking at men in cars, ride a facking bike, try to look hard when you are dead broke and so I can’t respect them on any level.  It’s all I can do to not run these f*ckers over.

But they aren’t alone.  I hate the other grown men on bikes too, the so called “Cyclists”… ha  I mean, first off, why do all these cats have to suddenly rock helmets like they’re 3 year olds pushing a big wheel?  Where’s your pride man?  You look ridiculous.

Next, I always hear about how bikers want to be respected on the road.

 

How they should have their own lanes.  But here’s the thing, the next time I see a good for nothing dude on a bike that actually follows the rules of the road will be the first time. Usually, these clowns are riding on the highway, rolling down a one-way street the wrong way, flying through a red, jumping up on sidewalks, the whole 9.  But don’t let a car come into their space, oh no, then you are “bullying them” or “hogging the road“, in an apparently violation of one of the inalienable rights Jefferson just so happened to forget to include in the Declaration of Independence.  How many times have you seen this guy out there?

Mufucker, i’ve got somewhere to go.  I’m too busy zipping by your simple ass to be worried about bullying you.  I just want you gone or where you belong, on foot or in a grown man’s car.  But yet, these d*ckheads want the respect of a vehicle when they’re holding me up, rolling around 25 MPH.  F*ck that.  Either you’re part of traffic or you’re not. And while you may not want to respect this post or my mean mug as I fly by you going 75, you will respect these laws of physics, best believe.

The only solace I take is in knowing that eventually all of you will fall off your bikes like some b*tches.

I know, I know cyclist dude, no pain, no gain.  Short of your death, I’m very happy that you’re getting peddle marks on your domepiece, anything to keep you out of my space.  And no, I won’t be taking part in “ride your bike to work day”….  Let me tell you, I don’t know a single legit cat that ever rode their bike to work.  You hear the rumors about cats that ride the bike and take a shower.  Hey, I aint got time for no games and I don’t have patience for a cat that is sweating, shaving or just looking like a clown in the office with the skin tight wet suit on.

You look ridiculous and don’t even get me started on all these weirdo “inventive” bike derivatives.

Seriously, there’s a debt crisis, Sandusky done gone H.A.M. and the Buffalo Bills can’t score a touchdown.  Can’t yall cats devote your time and effort into worthy causes?  Bikers suck.

- Lake

UvT News: A Little Time Off

I don’t know how many of you saw the tweet in the top-right corner over there ====>

But I’m traveling on vacation and taking a little time off. I’ll be back on Friday. Until then, my man Mike Lawry might drop something for you, but he also might not. We are also going to be making some major moves in 2012 so keep an eye on that. You know Team Us will be the first to hear about it.

Back on Friday.

-Brock

If There’s Grass on the Green Mile, Play Ball????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is what got Lawry salty right now. I’m at the office today, and this corny cat in the office decides he wants to show me a Halloween picture of him and his girlfriend. I hate this cat, but I look anyway to see what these two dickheads came as. Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. First thing i notice is that the girl looks like she’s twelve for real. So I joke, “Yo man, your babe looks 16.” He corrects me with “No dude, she’s 17, turning 18 in December.”  He’s 30.  Then he hits me with, “Ain’t worse than the guy from Green Mile, his babe is 16 and he’s 51. Nothing wrong with a young babe. Listen, if there’s grass on the infield, play ball!” …….

PERFECT 10!!!!!   I don’t give out many of those, but he earned it with that bullchit.  So now I have to find out if it’s true. I immediately look up the big nicca that was in it.  Michael Clark Duncan.  I call him Big Nic. You know him…

I remember The Green Mile. I was enjoying the flick, having a good time, everything was going fine, then all of a sudden out of nowhere Big Nic grabbed Tom Hanks by the family jewels and breathed out some flying babies. That f*cked me up man. Sent me to a dark alley in my mind, where I found myself standing on a mail box, staring at some Yugoslavian graffiti, wondering what the fark just happened. Anyway, he’s the cat that Hollywood has been going to for the last ten years when they need a big black dude.

“Alright, we have all the roles filled, now we need a big black man to grab nilla’s nuts, say “bossa” a 100 times and cry half the movie. Call Big Nic”

 

“Alright, we’ve hired all 500 actors, none of them are black. DAMMIT!  I’m not trying to have wild permed out Al Sharpton outside my office kumbayahin’ talkin’ about “why ain’t there no brothas in the movie?” Call Big Nic….and put him in the back!…No!  BEHIND the extras!!

“We need one last Rhino you say?….Big Nic”

 

“Why is it necessary?…JUST TELL ME WHY??!!…Forget it…Big Nic”

 

“We’re doing a movie about a planet of apes you say?  First things first, call Big Nic.  We’ll worry about who else is in the movie tomorrow.”

 

Turns out, it wasn’t him.  Glad to hear that too because all jokes aside, he’s a good actor and I root for him.  Nah.  He’s dating Omarosa of The Apprentice fame. I ain’t mad about that. You may not know this, but she lived in my building and she got tail for days. You just gotta take my word for it.  Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson ain’t hearing it though.

 

Nah. It was the spineless corrections officer who I hated in the movie so no wonder he’s a cat azz nilla in real life.

His name is Doug Hutchison and in May, he married a 16 year old girl named Courtney Stodden.  He’s 51…

 

Yes, he is older than her father.  4 years older.  Now truth be told, she looks like she’s in her twenties.  But she’s not.  She’s 16.  16!!!!!!

 

That’s the birth certificate to prove it.  I have a niece who’s 16.  She just stopped coloring in coloring books.  Listens to Justin Bieber.  If she ever brought this cat right here up in the crib, it would be super kick time time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cScJZqKpMq4

So they met online.  Now lets stop for a second.  This dude has had a decent TV and movie run as far as acting careers go.   Besides Green Mile, he was in Lost, 24, CSI, etc.  Dude works.   He’s got some cake.  He ain’t waiting outside to get in the club.  He walks right in.   He buys a couple of bottles.   The birds see him.  Catch my drift?   But no, he’s wants to be on the internet meeting 16 year olds.   There’s all types of scientific studies that say that at 16, your frontal lobe, which enables you to understand the consequences of your actions, is not fully developed.   Which really means that she will wake up one morning when she is 25 and realize that she is bed with Rip Van Winkle and bounce with his cheese.   But I actually think she is fully aware of the consequences right now, she knows exactly what she’s doing and she will bounce way before she turns 21.  Actually, if he keeps slipping ecstasy pills in her morning hot cocoa like he did before this interview, he’ll keep her a little longer…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yRnEJ_VdIQ&feature=related

Worst part is, the Mom was in on it.    She was part of the online chats.   Mommy is a what we call a pimp.   You sold your daughter, lady.   You’d prefer for ol man to raise your daughter.   No more parent teacher conferences for you.  You’ve been hoping for this scenario for a few years now.    You started selling her in videos at 14…

AHNT!!!!!!!  Everything about this video sucks.  The mud she’s sitting in, the ugly dog, the heels in the sand, the lollipop, the random hula hoop, the truck driver pedophile she’s with.   Anyway, so when they finally met in person, he proposed.  Married shortly thereafter.  She gets to skip 11th and 12th grade, good deal for her.  She claims that she was a virgin when they got married.  Uh huh.  And hell is a bit hot.  Right Mr J?  Ha.   Listen little girl, whatever you say.   One thing is for certain, she sure is not one now.   There’s a wrinkled old man who done closed the cover on that book.  He’s on her every night like an elephant skin blanket.  You would think that there are laws against this.  But no, its legal to marry a 16 year old  in 39 states as long as you have the parent’s permission.

Listen Doug, you’re a pedophile!!!  And marrying the kid doesn’t change that!  Good news is, he’s going to get what’s coming to him.   They’ll do a reality show, then she”ll break with the bread.  Where was Chris Hansen when we needed him????  Oh I forgot, he was busy getting busted on hidden camera cheating on his own wife with a babe 20 years younger.

 

I hate this whole thing.  I hate pedophiles and I hate parents who don’t raise their children.  They should pay dearly for this fuckery.

 

And for once, I wish life would imitate art…

-Mike