2011 UvT Awards: Commenter of the Year

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This might actually be my favorite award of the year. Most of the time, the stuff that shows up in the comments are better than anything I write on the main part of the site. The site isn’t the same without the comments section, and everyone who comes in there everyday or even just occasionally are the original Team Us.

The category had to expand a bit this year though. I’ve got to give a shout out to the crew who hits me on Twitter. Fellow bloggers Turd Furguson (recently retired) and H8torade (formerly retired but now as strong as ever), the rest of the crew, TheMeaser, teemcee (the artist formerly known as KIRinNV among others), Catf1sh (the most interesting man on Twitter), the Code2Ave Crew, especially IamJonnyD, UvT Fantasy Champ KCTheTruth, UvT International correspondent HiriamIndia, Derek_Roth, the always sexy Peachyallday, RaytheDestroyer, and a bunch of other people who hit us up on the @uvtblog Twitter feed. We’ve got jokes over there too so I appreciate all the follows and the retweets.

As far as the comments go we’ve still got the 2009 Champ Ian Summers holding it down. If the award was given by batting average alone, Ian would probably be the walk away winner in any year. He doesn’t jump in every time, but when he does he usually hits you with the most hilarious thing you realize you should have thought of but didn’t.

Then you have the 2010 Champ ItzDatDude. If the award was given based on the ability to find thick Asian women (why don’t we have an award for that again? I need to reach out to the competition committee to get that on the list next year), and post links that everyone should know are NSFW but somehow forget until we click on them, Itz would be the hands down favorite.

BeOnIt and SweetSexy hold it down for the ladies. If the award was given for the number of “these mothafuckashere” faces that these ladies make at their screens before they type up their responses, I’m sure the ladies of UvT could share the award. And we know sweetsexy is one of dem girls who (might) like them girls, so we just need to talk Be into it and convince them to video tape it and we can get 2012 kicked off right.

Ol Bertie Brown aka the Ol Bertie Bastard aka Mr. What did he say? aka The Dictionary Killer aka Mumbles aka the King of if messing up grammar is wrong I don’t wanna be right would probably get the award if I understood anything he said. Shout to all my nicca/ippa/inesesaas though. I think. If I understand that properly.

Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah. The winner. The man everyone apparently loves to hate, hailing from Bethlehem (although, I think it might be the one in Pennsylvania as opposed to the Middle East, but sometimes you gotta relocate)…

Mr. Jezus.

I know it isn’t a popular choice, but that’s the beauty of it. Mr. Jezus kept it tight for two full years. Water to Wine, healing the infirm, turning the other cheek, when there was one set of footprints it was when he carried you, all that. Then in 2011 he pulled a heel turn the likes of which have not been seen since Hulk Hogan went Hollywood.

Seriously, when has anyone ever been mad at Jezus? (aside from every religious war that’s ever been fought, I mean)

Anyway, Mr. Jezus battled Itz almost every day. He pointed out the fact that tights should have weight limits, He accused people of stealing his gear, (U KNOW DAMN WELL ONLY NILLA WIT SOLID GOLD FLEECE/SAPPHIRE STUDDED DRAWS WAS JEZUS!), in a discussion about boxed wine, he would only refer to it as “the blood of me”. He battled my homey Mike Lawry and had Mike so pissed he was hitting me up on direct text messages he was so hot. Haaaaaa.

So yes, the award goes to the Antagonizer in Chief. Mr. Jezus. After his narrow loss in the UvT Fantasy Football league last week, I can’t let the savior come in second place three times in a row. He’s earned it this year.

-Brock

UvT Fantasy Football: And the Winner Is…

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Shout out to my man KCTheTruth on winning the inaugural season of the Us Versus Them Fantasy Football league. No one can take away the belt from you now.

His squad hit on all cylinders at just the right time. He got crazy production out of Reggie Bush. Victor Cruz got hot at the right time. The dude even won with Eli Manning under center. THAT’S CRAZY.

How did that possibly happen? Because Mr. Jezus was like that coach you had in little league that was supposed to be objective, but really wasn’t. That’s what this was. Mr. Jezus had to go with his son and played Tim Tebow in the championship game.

It didn’t go so well. Tebow scored 31 this week in a league where my QB, Drew Brees averaged over 100 points a week. Not a good look. To be fair, it was the day before his birthday, so he was probably a bit distracted…turning 2012 is a big deal.

So congrats to KC, the UvTee is in the mail.

-Brock

2011 UvT Awards: It’s That Time Again

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If it is the end of the year it must be time for the UvT Awards.

A lot has happened this year, lots of people hated 2011, but it was another epic year for Us Versus Them. We had Charlie Sheen going crazy and think he was still #Winning, Tim Tebow proved all that analysis on  ESPN is complete B.S. for the last 7 weeks, There were lockouts in the only two sports that actually matter, Kim Kardashian was married for a few weeks n’shit and the always lovely Stacy Dash won the inaugural March Madnass. Sounds like comedy gold to me.

Here are the categories:

Man Up of the Year

Man of the Year

UvT Quality Chick of the Year

Commenter of the Year

Blogger of the Year

We kick it off next week and will probably roll into the new year. It’s been real Team Us. You know we are going to keep it rolling in 2012.

-Brock

Beware of Women’s Rights (And Lefts)

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There’s one question that I’ve struggled with over the years. Probably the most confusing issue that whenever it comes up, I just don’t know the answer. There is no more confusing of a question.

Actually, I’m lying.  As Rufus Jackson discovered on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when misfortune reared it’s ugly head on the very first question of the night, there is one age old question that keeps Skip Gates, Dr. Cornell West, Michael Eric Dyson, Flava Flav and the greatest of African-American thinkers puzzled…

 

 

If you missed that episode, wild Rufus used up every single lifeline on this, the very first question.   Called up his boy who said “You on your own, Playboy”, the audience voted 25% for each answer but 90% refused to answer the question and when he asked to eliminate 2 answers, the producer screamed from the back “Hey man, we just gonna eliminate 3 on the next question.  Cool?”   They ran out of time for the evening and the next morning, Rufus didn’t show up.  Instead he filed a law suit claiming “racially biased insensitive misconduct,…and cheatin’”, claiming they asked a million dollar difficulty level question on the 10 dollar question.  Anyway, its still in the courts, but I digress.

The real question that I was pondering was is there ever a time when men hitting women is justified?   Clearly, the answer is different  depending on the dude you ask.   Cats always talk about if there’s a bunch of them beating you up…  Look man, if you’re attacked, there’s a lot of them, she’s holding some wild sharp weapon or a hot pot of grits, I get it.  Do what you must to avoid being Al “Hot Grits on My Face” Green.  For me, I’m a tall dude in pretty good shape, I feel like I can escape most situations without having to lay hands on any nicc/ll/ppessez* (copywritten/trademarked by Ol Bertie Brown from the comments).    I’m more talking about the dude who is the clear aggressor, he ain’t been hit yet, he’s not defending, he’s attacking.    I can’t see it. I can’t find the answer to the question of “when is that right?”

I’ll tell you this though.  If that is YOU and you like to go around slapping your chick because she’s missed a step at the party…

 

 

…you need to take into consideration one thing….  Women’s rights.  And by that I mean women’s right hooks, jabs, uppercuts and forearms. They ain’t playing anymore. Let’s just back up.  Luigi up in that video thought it was fine to just wax on, wax off, wax on slap up his ol lady on the dance floor to tighten her up, and then they’d get back to bagpipe lindying to some wild Kazakhstan music played while the credits were rolling at the end of Borat???   Nobody in the place could stay on beat.  Speedy Gonzalez, The Flash and Dash Incredible would have had trouble keeping up.   Anyway.  In this day and age, if you are thinking about coming with that Clark Gable slap a chick, you better be ready to be caught like homey ponytail…

 

 

If you go around smashing people’s pumpkins, this couuuuld happen to you.   And if you do decide to come with the slappittees, you better not turn your back on the lady.   She just might have been in the gym and you might find yourself counting sheep…

 

 

You know this cat was mad.  This choking out was not consensual.   In his mind he was like “I can’t believe this bish choked me out on my show…….and there’s NOTHING I can do about it.”  And finally, that guy that is going for more than the slap.  Nothing is better than seeing him get what he deserves by the intended victim.  Now, I don’t know what this next guy wanted, but he certainly didn’t get it.

 

 

She put the beats on this dude.   There’s actually a lesson in that for all of us.  Women, take some self defense lessons.  Even if you don’t apply the techniques correctly when the situations arises, you’ll have some confidence in fighting back.  For the rest us, if a cat gets on the elevator rocking a pulled down hat, thick jacket…and bare feet.  Unless it’s somebody in your family, just exit the elevator immediately.

So take it from these unfortunate representatives of Team Them…..Stay clear of those women’s rights!

 

- Mike

The Almost Lakers Trade: This is Hilarious

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I really thought that CP3 and Dwight Howard to the Lakers was about to happen.

It didn’t.

But that doesn’t make this any less funny:

That’s hilarious. Shout to @ThisisMack for making it. Funny as hell.

-Brock

UvT League: Fantasy Football Playoffs

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EDITORS NOTE: The UvT Fantasy Football League is heading into the Playoffs and Commissioner Jezus is back with a recap.

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Playoffs? Playoffs? Playoffs!

Well we have come to the end of the regular season in the UvT Fantasy Football League. 6 of the 12 teams make it in & they are as follows:

1st Seed: Turd Ferguson

2nd Seed: KC The Truth

3rd Seed: Team Us

4th Seed: CoCo

5th Seed: Jezus

6th Seed: H8torade

 

Now I know what you guys are thinking, “Jezus is the 5th seed?” Right now, Dad is busy with Tim Tebow in Denver. You just don’t know how many miracles it takes to make sure that kid keeps winning. To be honest though, he has a huge backlog of prayers that should get him to week 17. Also, I have a feeling some folks made a deal with a certain individual before Week 1.

 

Anyway, we had a 1st time occurrence this season. 4 teams from one division made the playoffs. I have ran this format for 4-5 years and it has never happened. I was pretty damn sure it was the top 3 from each division and that was it. Probably some other deal cut without my knowledge. I sorta feel bad for Jumpsuit Al though. He went from feeling like he was playoff bound to the FF Jerome Simpson….

Out the picture quick!

 

Round 1:

Mr. Hankey is sitting on a bye, but in Round 2, the loss of Forte is going to hurt. He still has Rodgers & Gronk, but not sure if that is going to be enough going forward.

KC is the truth wants people to brang they ass. Dude really has a solid team. Top 10 guys @ QB & RB…and the # 1/2/3 WR’s in the league. (Oh shit! I didn’t notice that until just now.) My prediction: Epic battle between KC & Team Us.

In the battle of the bloggers we have H8 vs Team Us.

Could be an interesting matchup, but with the smashing Brock has been putting on people and H8’s lack of talent at this point, this will probably be a “Sandusky” come Monday morning.

Brock is 10-3 knocking folks out with Breezy at the helm.

Naw, not that Breezy, Drew Brees. CJ decided to stop bullshitting and tote that rock like he is getting paid to do, and being able to flip between Willis & Beans @ the RB2 is always a good thing. Oh and he did pick up Gates from FA….Purp, your still an asshole. Dude is tied for the best record for a reason. Real shot at the money. H8 has some dudes, problem is all the good ones are hurt. AD might come back this week, but Freddy J is done for the year. Matthews & Wallace could pop and keep it close, I just don’t see it happening.

 

In Game 2 we have CoCo vs Jezus.

 

CoCo has a pretty solid squad. I don’t want to give to much credit here, but a top 10 QB & RB combo is always a good thing to have. Romo could have a huge day….but more than likely he will just have an okay day and the Cowboys will win, or lose by 3-6 pts. (Still ahead of the G-men by a game in the East!)

I on the other hand have Jr…..

& Ray who just dropped 200 yards on the Browns like it ain’t no thang….

Should be some good games coming up.

As for the remaining teams that didn’t make it to the post-season…….really, who gives a shit?

- Mr. Jezus

UvT News: We Did It

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Big News for Team Us.

We did it. Us Versus Them is going to be a show.

We’ve got a long way to go and there is a lot that needs to happen before we launch, but I’m trying to make it the biggest, most popular show out there. I can promise you this. It is going to be all about Team Us. It is going to be all the things you love about coming to UvT. For all the loyal UvT readers (especially my people in the comments) we want to find a way to make sure we hold on to the same things that make you come here.

There will be a few changes around here though. First of all, I’m going back to clean up the archives. Changing a few things, deleting a few things, editing a few things. I’m starting at the back, so if you want to read the old stuff, get started. We will still be here posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we will still have the UvT end of the year Awards, Herman Cain will end up with more hoes than Tiger Woods, and someone will still be told to Man Up every Monday.

For those who read the site everyday and really want to see it go to the next level I have a favor to ask. Tell at least one friend about the site. If you have a twitter account and don’t follow us @uvtblog hit the link and follow us. Go ahead and “like” us on Facebook, hit that link here. Share the articles with friends. I’m going to be sending out some exclusive content and specials to the people who help us grow.

More news later, but I had to tell you as soon as I got the word.

Team Us is about to take over. You’re all coming with me.

-Brock

 

Matter over Mind

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On vacation visiting Mom Dukes for a week and I peeped this last week on the AMA’s….J Lo siting. She’s still got it!  All I can say is that I had the same reaction Pitbull had….

…Nuts!

That’s all I have to say about that.  Really, I just wanted to share an incredible event that I was blessed to witness.    Today I learned an amazing lesson in Mind over Matter. I would like to say that I witnessed a 60 year old man bench press 475 lbs.  That’s a full 175 lbs more than I’ve ever pushed up.  This man was focused.  Old school, no gloves, just talcum powder. And I, of all people, would be the one to witness and photograph this amazing feat.  It’s mind over matter.  He’s getting his mind right..

 

 

He leans back. Takes a deep breath. Makes a primal grunt. Yes. I was there, those are my sweatpants bottom left corner. I would like to say that today I saw a 60 year old warrior bench press 475 lbs!…..

 

 

…but I can not. Instead, I saw a 60 year old man almost kill himself. In a split second, I had to decide between photographing this man’s death or running over to help lift more than twice my own weight off this dude. I did the human thing. It took two of us to lift it off his chest. He was immediately escorted to the back by the gym officials and given a stern lecture…..again, apparently.   During a pause in their screaming at him, they demanded a response before going in on him again, he whispered softly “Can…can someone go get my bag for me? It’s…it’s red.”  Then the screaming continued.

 

 

The only thing that remained was the ghost of a once proud and confident man who’s shorts were too small and who had to learn the hard lesson of Matter over Mind.

-Mike

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