Man Up Monday: Russell Westbrook

Don’t get me wrong, I love Russell Westbrook’s game. He was the unofficial winner of the All Star Weekend dunk contest for his performance in the All Star Game. He might be the most athletic player in the NBA today, and although they lost, I still like OKC to take the Spurs to the brink. But I do have one specific problem with Russell Westbrook. Not so long ago, I thought the most ridiculous thing he ever did was wear a red hoodie and backpack to a business negotiation during the lockout.

Had the nerve to stand right upfront too.

But now, he’s taken it too far. When I saw him rock the fish lure shirt a few weeks ago, I thought it was funny, but now I realize he might never stop.

That joint was just the start. The best thing about this shirt is the homey MRod bought it and rocked it unironically. I thought this was a single shot, but Westbrook apparently has a closet full of nautical themed shirts. After that one, he went with the “post paintball session” shirt.

I think the Fresh Prince rocked that one in the episode when he gets trapped in the basement. Then Westbrook broke out the compass shirt.

That one was actually subdued, all things considered. There is one thing Russell Westbrook didn’t think about though. So far the Thunder has only lost two games. When you win, these shirts are hilarious. When you lose, you just look like a clown. He should have two piles of shirts. First, a winners shirt for when things are going well. And another stack of shirts for when they lose. He should go with a basic white button up just to make sure he is fully in the clear. Otherwise, it ends up like tonight.

Nothing worse than talking about why you lost while you are dressed like an actual clown. You can’t even salvage any dignity. There is no way to go hard in a shirt like that. But everyone knows about these shirts. It wouldn’t be UvT if we didn’t have something exclusive. We’ve already got the inside track on what Russell Westbrook plans on wearing if the Thunder make it to the finals. He’s got something really special planned. He calls it shirts vs. blouses.

There were only so many places he could go to push this farther. He painted himself into the corner and this is his only way out.

So Russell Westbrook, I’m gonna tell you since no one else will. You look ridiculous. Men don’t dress like that. We don’t have to. We’ve got centuries of great options. You’re boy Kevin Durant figured it out. There is no reason you can’t too.

Russell Westbrook…Man Up!

-Brock

The Secrets of Merril Hoge’s Tie Knot Revealed!

Merril Hoge is an Ex-NFL player who played with the Steelers and Chicago Bears. He is a commentator on ESPN, and takes any opportunity he gets to tell Tim Tebow he sucks. He is also known for his ridiculous tie knots.

I’m pretty sure your tie knot is not supposed to extend all the way to the edges of your collar. I’m also pretty sure Merril can’t actually look down when he’s got this tie on. I know the homey Nice Try Bro would have plenty to say about Merril’s ties. You know the old joke “If you look up ‘Huge Tie Knot’ in the dictionary, you would see a picture of Merril Hoge?” Well, the modern version is “if you Google ‘huge tie knot’, the first picture that comes up is Merril Hoge. Literally. Check it out. So I was wondering if Merill had special ties made so he could pull this look off. Like the tie the Baylor Women’s Basketball Assistant coach Damion McKinney was rocking in the championship game.

As crazy as that tie looks, his tie know STILL isn’t as big as Merril’s. I know you are expecting me to tell you how terrible that tie is too, but I already covered it HERE. But Merril has another secret. It was revealed today when he actually took off his four button throwback suit jacket and revealed the rest of his tie.

Look. If you are willing to sacrifice tie length for a gigantic knot…fine, but you have to know you CAN NOT take that jacket off. I don’t care if you see yourself rock this look everyday, when you decide to rock a tie that ends mid-nipple you have to keep the fact it is completely unacceptable somewhere in the back of your mind. When you take that jacket off, you’ve got to convert all the way to business casual mode and lost the tie too. He probably can’t take the tie off without the help of three tailors, a crowbar and some WD-40.

Merril Hoge. If you are going to be a professional asshole, you really can’t rock a look this unacceptable. It is too easy to completely dismiss anything you say because you look so ridiculous. Yeah, it’s really that bad. Step yo game up!

-Brock

UvT Fashion Review: The New Jordan 2012

I actually thought these were a joke until I saw them go live on the nike.com site. The Jordan shoes have always had a natural split. The official Jordan shoes generally look good. They’ve been known to start riots. Then there is Brand Jordan, which look like officially sanctioned knockoff shoes. Unfortunately, the 2012’s look like the latter.

Is anyone going to wear those with a straight face? Someone took a hiking boot, slapped on some suede patches, and dropped in some high tops that harken back to an era where short shorts were somehow allowed on basketball courts. Even Marty McFly thinks the new Jordan 2012’s are too much.

They actually made those last year and somehow they didn’t seem as ridiculous as the Jordan 2012’s.

Apparently, they didn’t show Michael Jordan until the last second. We captured his reaction once he figured out how badly his legacy was going to be tarnished.

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve liked a pair of Jordan’s until long about the 14. The 15 was the beginning of the ridiculous era, roughly 12 years ago. Someone needs to tell the designers over a Jordan that less is more. Maybe in 2013 they can leave the stitching, the laser etching, the switchable shoe inserts, and the giant straps.

We all know what the problem is, don’t we? Michael Jordan has the worst fashion sense in the free world. Never has a man with $250 Million spent so much on ripped jeans and the longest sportcoats known to man.

When that dude is your creative inspiration, things could be dismal for a long, long time.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: More Man Up Medley

There is just too much out there tonight. Like is said on the UvT Twitter Feed, I don’t know how I’m going to get to it all. Let’s start with Herman Cain. Like my boy Mike Lawry said:

I thought Herman Cain was going Tiger Woods there for a second. His old women were coming out of the woodwork. A woman accused him of sexual harassment. Big Daddy Cain called B.S. and kept it moving. Another woman said he rubbed her high thigh in the back of a limo and implied she could exchange sex for a job, Cain’t Touch This said “hail naw chick, you can’t prove nothin”. But when they found this chick Ginger White…

Herman Cain was like “Who’s talking junk now? Who? Ginger White. Y’all found Ginger? You know what? I don’t want to be President anymore. I’m out.”

I guess after Herman had a 13 year “friendship” with Ginger here, he wasn’t really ready to answer any more questions about the matter. This chick shut down a PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. What the hell does she know? Whatever it is, Herman sure as hell didn’t want to talk about it. He’s out. He shoulda known too. You can’t have a side chick named Ginger White. That just sounds like a chick tryin to set you up. Herman, it might be too late to Man Up on this one. If this one was a UFC Fight, Herman Cain just tapped out. That choke must have been locked in a lot tighter than we thought.

Speaking of a choke being locked in tight, did you see that Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones vs. Lyoto Machida fight? Here’s how it ended.

My man choked him out with pure, brute strength. [gif from the good people at Iron Forges Iron] That was that no tap out choke. As bad as that looked, it wasn’t the craziest thing that happened Saturday night. Frank “Tap or Snap” Mir also got a hold of “Big Nog” Nogueira. Mir was in trouble when he was able to drag Big Nog to the ground, from there it was classic Frank Mir big man jiu jitsu. Here’s a tip. When a 265 pound man has your arm twisted behind your back, if you try once or twice and it doesn’t seem like you are gonna get out…you might want to tap on out. Otherwise you end up with this:

Not really what you want as a fighter. We know you are tough, no need to be that dude laying in the ring for an extra 15 minutes while they hook you up with a bootleg splint. Man Up and tap out. No need to lose an arm over it.

Here’s a quick shot. Congratulations to Baylor QB, Robert Griffin III, on winning the Heisman.

Two quick things though. Man Up on that hair. I’m a firm believer that a man should get his hair “cut”, not “done”. Second, Man Up for thinking these socks were a good idea.

Really? The sock cape? Even Clark Kent thinks those are terrible.

RG3. Man Up on that one. Those are turrible.

Finally, Man Up to the fans of the St. Louis Cardinals. I know you think Albert Pujols left for money.

Here’s a secret. If a dude slides out to some crappy team to clock an additional $2 Million, maybe $4 Million (looking at you Pudge Rodriguez) you might have an argument. When a guy leaves for an extra $52 MILLION, let me do that with the zeroes so you know how much money that is…that’s $52,000,000.00. That’s about so much money, it’s not even about the money anymore. That becomes about personal pride and not being an idiot. Because if you walk away from $52 Million, you are, in fact, an idiot. He had to do it…let it go.

So Herman Cain, Lyoto Machida, and Minotauro Nogueira, and Robert Griffin III, and the people of St. Louis…MAN UP!

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Everyone NOT Named Al Davis

Raiders Owner Al Davis died last week. Now most people remember the really scary, slightly crazy acting Al Davis from the last 15 years. But Al Davis has three championship rings. He really did it big in the late 70’s and early 80’s.

You can’t even tell Al Davis to Man Up, he had all the trappings of a grown ass man. Al Davis didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought about him. First of all Al Davis made the Raiders the most bad ass squad in the league. It didn’t matter which squad was yours, if you wanted to keep it gangster, you had to rock that Raiders Starter Jacket. All black with a pirate on it. It didn’t even matter that starter jackets were shiny satin, you were still bad in that joint.

Like Art Shell here. Is he a pro football coach, a member of NWA or is he a club security? If a bouncer in a Raiders coat rolls up on you in the club, you best believe you are going to be on the street quick fast and in a hurry. See that Raiders starter jacket even makes that Cleveland show mustache he’s rocking look reasonable. Okay, not really.

Al Davis was about two other things. Knowing what made him happy and representing his brand. He did both every single day. Literally every single day. Have you seen Al Davis rock anything other than a white or black Raiders track suit? Al Davis was all Raiders everything. In fact, I’ve never even seen him rocking a color in any picture ever. Seriously. Find me a picture of that dude wearing a red tie. A pair of blue jeans. Some green. Anything. When color photography was invented it didn’t matter to Al Davis because he was all black and white everything. He’s lucky he lived in California so his skin was a constant slightly uncomfortable and unhealthy pink glow.

Al Davis might be the most manly man out there. A paragon of manliness. People a not so sure about JaMarcus Russell? F it, Al Davis will pay him $61 Million with $32 Million guaranteed. Lane Kiffin not cutting it? Fire his ass on Monday morning without calling him first. You want to rock shades, rock em with an old lady librarian chain.

Cause you don’t want to lose your fly ass shades.

Al Davis, you are a mans man. Everyone else not named Al Davis Man Up and get like this dude. He wasn’t crazy, he was doing anything he damn well pleased. That’s how you Man Up.

Everyone not named Al Davis…Man Up!

By the way, between Steve Jobs and Al Davis, people who wear the same clothes every single day are having a bad week.

Charlie Brown better play it safe for the next few weeks.

-Brock

By the way, I’m predicting that if the Raiders make the playoffs it will be all about doing it for Al and not about them playing that soft schedule.

 

Man Up Monday: Tuesday Edition – Maryland Terrapins

The Maryland Terrapins just landed the rare second appearance in Man Up Monday. The first time it was for catching an ass whoopin at the hand of the Duke Blue Devils basketball team.

They caught a real beatdown that night. We’ve covered the fact that Maryland is not Duke’s rival. The fact that Maryland Students still think rioting is cool. But today we are going to cover the Maryland football team.

A few weeks ago, Maryland Football announced that they were going to go the way of Oregon Football and are now rocking the wild, interchangeable uniforms every week.

You know they wanted to take it to the next level when they went with the turtle shell on the helmet.

You know, I have a theory about fashion. The rule is that if you are going to push it, you get to choose one thing that is out of the ordinary. You want to wear a wild bright color? Fine, make it a t-shirt and keep everything else simple. You want to rock a hat or vest or some white shoes? Do your thing, just don’t wear all three at once. So when the Maryland uniforms went with the turtle shell AND the color shift numbers, so you gotta keep the pants simple.

I’m thinking Canary yellow is not keeping it simple. My man second from the right is looking off camera like “You got me in the bitchiest version of this punk ass uniform. White pants and a yellow jersey? This some bullshit.” I hope they break out the yellow on yellow on yellow just because they can. They didn’t have a picture of that version of the uniform looks like, but I found a picture on my own.

 

The funniest part about these new ridiculous unis? The fact that they were holding back. They had one more design up their sleeves. First of all. The State of Maryland has the most aggressive flag in the Union.

It is half racing flag, half coat of arms. So take that flag and splash it all over a football uniform.

Dubya. Tee. Eff.

That thing is an atrocity. Complete with the matching shirt sleeve. It is called a UNIFORM. By definition it is supposed to make everyone look the same. Meanwhile, last night on the field last night, they looked like two different teams.

It is like someone designed two NFL Europe Uniforms and mashed them together. Whatever they did, those are awful and needed the Man Up Monday treatment this week.

Please. Please. Please let them bring the basketball team out in some wildness like this. I’ll need a good laugh come ACC Basketball season.

Maryland Terrapins. Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Chris Bosh Part II…The Video

We covered Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat last year back in September.  Back then, things were terrible.  The Heat couldn’t get it together.  They were talking about Pat Riley bringing himself back to coach.  They were wondering if the Heat made the right moves.  The Big 3 couldn’t find a way to play together.  It was bad.  Then the Heat went on a win streak.  They destroyed the Cavaliers so badly, Cleveland still has not recovered yet.  You know who still needs to find his way?

Chris Bosh.

Bosh decided to do a photoshoot for Maxim magazine.  First of all, I don’t know too many dudes who break out the Maxim photoshoot.  When I buy a Maxim Magazine, I’m looking for something more like this.

Chris Bosh thought it was a good idea to pose for Maxim and even worse, he thought it was a good idea to let them film a video of it.

There is so much terrible there, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you didn’t make it to then end.  I’ve finally figured Bosh out.  He has no idea what he looks like when he does things.  Like, if you are going to bite an apple during a photoshoot…don’t shove it so far in your mouth.  In fact, don’t shove anything that far into your mouth.  His attempted sexy look over the sunglasses looked more like a Men on Film moment.

His thugged out sneer looks more confused than tough.  Then it really goes downhill.  Bosh starts breaking out 1980’s Krush Groove quality arm crossing poses in the b-boy stance.  AHNT.  He throws a hand on his hip like he is a supermodel.  Then at the end they end up with Bosh in a pool with a wife beater and some man capris.  What makes it worse is that he is splashing around in the water like he is afraid to get wet.

Could he possibly look more awkward?  And these are the pictures and the video that made the final cut.  How many questionable pictures ended up on the cutting room floor?

This is awful and Chris is heading in the wrong direction.  Chris Bosh, Man Up and stay your ass at home.  We don’t need it.  Go to the arena, hoop, and go back home.  It is the safest route at this point and you clearly can’t be entrusted to manage your own public image.

Now that I know they film behind the scenes videos of this kind of shoot, there is only one thing I want now.

I hope Kobe had the sense to ask them to turn the cameras on the second he donned that white Amish get up.  Otherwise, if the All White everything tape hits the internet it will be a sex tape level scandal.  I’m thinking Kobe might have personally destroyed any other record of this photoshoot taking place.  Lucky for him, I copied them all to my hard drive so these pictures can live on forever.

Chris Bosh.  Man Up.  Please.

-Brock

—————–UPDATE———————

I think I figured out what happened.  When Chris Bosh was in 8th Grade he saw the movie Big and went to an arcade to seek out a fortune teller machine.  He told the fortune teller that he wanted to be a popular athlete.  It actually worked.  Chris Bosh is that awkward kid in your class that actually became a 7 foot tall monster.  He’s a kid trapped in a man’s body.

That is why he lets other people dress him, that is why he makes all those awkward faces, that is why his sexy ain’t so sexy.

———————-UPDATE 2———————–

Check this bomb Kevin Durant dropped on Chris Bosh last night.

“There’s a lot of fake tough guys in this league and he’s one of them”

UvT is right on time!  Chris Bosh, it is time to Man UP for real!

Chinese Male Chastity Device: Long Dong Gone Wrong!

Now I don’t like stereotypes. I don’t like to judge people based on appearance or ethnicity alone.  I know it is wrong to stereotype people.  But there are times when you need to understand that stereotypes are based in truth.  Maybe they don’t apply all the time, but they damn sure apply some of the time.  There are even times when people just feed into the stereotype and don’t help any of their people.

So let’s start with the empirical data.

I have to assume that Blow My Junk is gonna have some damn good measurement statistics.  I like how that Asian line has peaked and starts tailing off before the African American line even gets started.  These statistics get thrown out there so much people just accept them as true.

I don’t know the crank game.  I don’t know if one of the ladies of Us Versus Them wants to weigh in on this issue with some uhhhh, hands on experience, please chime in.  Now I’m sure guys like to front.  That is why they carry around the Magnum condoms with the extra breathing room.  But there is a new product on the market that is really not making it look good for the Asians out there. Check out the return of the Chastity belts coming out of China.

First of all, I thought the chastity belt was dead.  Any man who agrees to lock up his dick has a much bigger problem on his hands.  Even Tiger would look at a chick crazy if she suggested this, and we all know he could have used something to keep his dick in his pants.  Second, they didn’t want to give themselves any extra space on this one I guess.  I guess you can’t catch any day wood in this getup or you are in for a world of hurt.

Why play your whole race like that?  I mean change the world one dick at a time.  At least make that joint super wide.  It looks like a damn thumb brace.  See, now once you put it out there, the ladies aren’t even checking for it anymore.

Damn shame.  They went Team Them for real.

-Brock