Toni Braxton Has Still Got it

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Ten Years ago, Toni Braxton hit the Grammy’s dressed like this:

That was 10 years ago, and I’m not gonna lie, it was a life changing moment in my life. There isn’t much more to this post, but I’ve just got to give a quick shout out to Toni, because she is still bringing it like this.

Had to start off small first, but the interns got me a bigger shot.

There is a rumor she might be looking to hit Playboy sometime soon. I’m pretty sure we could piece together Toni naked from all of her previous pictures, but I’m not gonna talk her out of it.

-Brock

March Madnass Final: Stacey Dash vs. Laura Dore

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The final is set. I have to say I wasn’t expecting this. Stacey Dash was originally a 7 seed, and Laura Dore was a 5 seed. I can’t say I was sad to see Shakira and Vickie 6 both go. With Shakira, it was hard to find pictures of her that were sexy enough…she always had on a short top and some tights. With Vickie 6…well, she’s a porn star. It was hard to find pictures of her with clothes on.

So here is the final match up. For the famous girls, bad since like 1988 in Richard Pryor, Moving, not to mention Mo Money and Clueless, Stacey Dash. We’re giving multiple angles on this one so no one accuses me of not giving enough information.

First the face:

Then the full body:

Then the full on tail piece.

She’s bringing the heat.

And now, for the rookies. Ms. comic book body. Ms. crazy waist to tail ratio. Laura Dore. First the face.

Then the full body.

That’s bananas. Now for the money shot.

I believe I’ve given everyone enough material to make a final decision. Let’s see who takes hoe the crown. Final results on Monday along with my own personal “One Shining Moment” of all the ladies who didn’t win.

Vote Now!

-Brock

 

 

March Madnass: The Elite Eight

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We are in the lightning round now people. The Sweet 16 happened quickly and we are on to the Elite 8. I’ve saved something special for this round. Instead of still photos, the remaining 8 ladies are going to be in full motion. YouTube doesn’t have every clip I wanted, but these definitely give a feel for what these ladies are really working with. Monica Bellucci surprised me a bit, and it is hard to find a good video of her. Vickie 6 also presented a unique problem as I don’t think there is a single video of her on the internet where she actually has clothes on.

The Elite 8 Voting will be up through Sunday and we will have the Final Four on Monday.

Famous Divison:

Meagan Good vs. Stacey Dash

Meagan Good:

Stacey Dash:

Monica Bellucci vs. Shakira

Monica Bellucci:

Shakira:

Rookie Division:

Victoria Taylor vs. Nilanti Narian

Victoria Taylor:

Click here to put it in motion. [NSFW] We will just have to trust ItzDatDude that this is the Tail Piece in question.

Nilanti Narian:

Laura Dore vs. Joanna Pena

Laura Dore:

Joanna Pena:

 

March Madnass: Sweet 16

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It is finally time to get down to business. We started with 64 ladies and we are down to the Sweet 16. No more links, no more multiple choice polls. Time to put these ladies head to head to see what happens.

With 16 pictures of the baddest chicks out right now, this should be one of the most popular posts here at UvT for a long time. There are some surprises in both divisions. Amber Rose took out Britney Dailey.Shakira took out Rosa Acosta. The only #1 seed still alive is Vanessa Veasley.

ONLY ONE DAY FOR VOTING this time. We are going to get the Elite 8 done on Friday and over the weekend. We need to lock in that Final Four and come up with a winner early next week. Spread the word. Us Versus Them March Madnass is the only contest of its kind, let’s make sure we get it right.

-Brock

Famous Division:

Amber Rose vs. Meagan Good

Amber Rose:

Meagan Good:

Christina Milian vs. Stacey Dash:

Christina Milian:

Stacey Dash:

Halle Berry vs. Monica Bellucci:

Halle Berry:

Monica Bellucci:

Rita G. vs. Shakira:

Rita G:

Shakira:

Rookie Division

Victoria Taylor vs. Jesikah Maximus:

Victoria Taylor (Vickie6)

Jesikah Maximus:

Tiara Harris vs. Nilanti Narian:

Tiara Harris:

Nilanti Narian:

Vanessa Veasley vs. Laura Dore:

Vanessa Veasley:

Laura Dore:

Marisa Elise vs. Joanna Pena:

Marisa Elise:

Joanna Pena:

UvT Quality Chicks: The Top 5

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On Wednesday we dropped the first half of the Itzdatdude top 10.  The Top 5 goes international on em.  Let’s get right to it.

Number 5: Alexis Lugo

She starts up on some ol Mortal Kombat Wu Tang. Top half of that ass looking like half a pizza.

Now see this isn’t the classy version of body paint, Alexis didn’t have time for all that.  She just splashed it on and told the cameraman to start clickin.

Now I never trust this shot.  While it certainly implies one of my favorite things in the world, this shot is more trickery than the strip club.

Number 4: Amy Lee

Wait, what, really?  Well damn.  I barely know what to say about that.  It can’t possibly get any better can it?

Damn girl.  Just like that, huh?  She’s just going to let her tail piece eat up all that gold fabric like that’s just okay with everyone.  I see how this is going to work.  She’s can’t bring more heat can she?

She’s going to break out the underboob, tail crease complete with the “this is the angle you would see if we were banging” face.  This is all too much.  She’s Number 4?

Number 3: Jesikah Maximus

Love the name, love her complete devotion to her craft. I’m not a J man, but…yeah.

Is she part mermaid? Her hips don’t actually end in legs, it ends in a gigantic fish tail.  She’s not standing in the water, she’s floating and ready to launch herself like the glorious humpback whale she is.

Angle 2?

Haven’t we run a picture of a woman suggestively riding a tree before?  Why is this so common?

Number 2: Lenora Kilz

I’m not sure what she Kilz, but I believe her.  Exotic, curvy. I like it.

Weird angle but if you concentrate, her lower leg and calf are killing it right now.

That isn’t even suggestive, she’s actually just completely naked.  I’m not even sure why there are jeans in this picture.  Are those supposed to make this okay?  Is the applique on those pockets supposed to assure us that she is not standing in front of a rusty garage buck naked?  Is some other video chick going to name herself “Imma Hurt” after seeing this picture.

Number 1: Cassie Codi

Now Itz said he laid this one on Team Us “because he knows what we like”.  I’ll let you be the judge.

Haaaaa.  The thick white woman for the win.  She’s stackin it up though.

I can’t hate.  Chick is bringing the same body that has been featured in every previous pic.  Can she bring the heat under the scrutiny of angle 2?

I guess she can.  I feel like this is all camera trickery. I’m calling spanx, lighting, photoshop, and that left hand hiding her personal secret.  She can’t represent like that in a swimsuit.

I stand corrected.  I guess she’s trying to show it is all her.  Well played Ms. Codi.

So there it is people.  The Itzdatdude top ten and a new list of chicks to keep an eye on in 2011.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

I’m personally going with Amy Lee, but everyone has preferences.

-Brock

UvT Quality Chicks: It Just Keeps Getting Better

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The hiatus is over, it is time to Us Versus Them to go back to our roots.  Don’t get me wrong, I love bringing the comedy and commentary, but this is the house that Assology built.  Time to get back to the ladies.  The UvT commenter of the year Itzdatdude sent over his Top 10 “Cot damn dymes” and number 10 was a banger.  Let’s bring it back to #9-6.

Number 9: Marin Marie Foster

Beyonce hips, Blasian eyes, and the gods of photoshop decided to leave the Arse so fat you can see it from the front.

Come on girl, cheer up, you’ve made the UvT quality list.  You know we can’t start it off right without Angle’s 2 and 3.

I prefer more of a underhook but the overall package works.

Next up:

Number 8: Ana Marie

I love how all these chicks don’t have last names.  Ana Marie is trying to keep it classy though.  What’s it gonna take to get her to loosen up?

A little auto repair, why not?  Doesn’t everyone grease up and wear stripper heels to the garage?  We need the money shot.

Itz must be warming up, where is that thunder?

Maybe with Number 7: Atheana Ritchie

Damn, another winner.  I’m beginning to think Itz has a “type”.  Luckily it is the type Team Us likes as well.  HIps and thighs for days and smoothed out.

I love how these “fashion” shots try to be all sweet.  Smiling like she is just standing out in the park, meanwhile she is in a scrap of silk.

Backshots…

I’m going to go ahead and dock her a point for the non-existent tail crease.  Maybe that is why all the shots are from the front.  I’m putting her on the potential fail-tail watchlist.  She might be one of those chicks who has to rely on her hip game to keep it moving.

You know we had to end this installment with a banger and we did.  Check out Marisa Elise.

Number 6: Marisa Elise

For some reason these pictures look like four different chicks, but they are all bad.

You’ve got Hawaiian Marisa:

Bad as hell and the thighs are thickening up in the nether regions in a way that is unmatched by any chick in the top 10 thus far.  Now I don’t want to stare, but I believe she has an extremely close relationship with her tattoo artist.

Then we have “Fake Kat Stacks” Marisa.

But damn, the scroll down on that picture is phenomenal. It is like a story that keeps getting better as you see more.

Then there is “Are you f’n serious” Marisa

Are you f’n serious?

I’ve gotta end this episode strong.  How about the greased up, let that thang hang, harijuku haircut, looks like she could really put it on ya.

You are welcome.

We are running the top 5 on Friday.  This is for all the people who said UvT isn’t about the ladies anymore.  Hey, I was just trying to give you some space to tell your ladies that you read Us Versus Them for the articles.

-Brock

Crystal Calixte

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Never let it be said that Us Versus Them is not for the people.  We take care of Team Us around these parts.  So when my man Itzdatdude says he needs some Thick Asians, we gots to find some thick Asians.  Plus, with Wesley Snipes goes to jail for a few years, I needed to give him a tribute post.  Check it.

I know, I know.  This is not UvT quality action.  I actually like the “tight up in them jeans” look.  When a chick is superthick in a pair of jeans that are holding everything in means she just a big girl masquerading as a video model.  Trust me, as an Assologist there is still some action worth talking about here.  Unleash the Kracken!

I’m not gonna say I told ya so, but I told ya so.  She’s packin heat.  She even knows how to inspire her friends.

Unfortunately, her friend can’t keep up.  The girl on the left has a dress that lays perfectly flat. Our girl Crystal has loose fabric in the lower back area that is being sucked into the vast abyss.

Sure she’s sticking it out for effect, but you gotta respect the effort.  It’s not all illusion though.

That looks all natural and legit.  She’s got a bright future ahead of her.

Is it good?

-Brock

Rachel McAdams: Unexpected Arse is Fake? STOP IT’S THE MOTHAF*$%IN REMIX!!!!!

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I few weeks ago, I thought my Assological research had unearthed one of the true, ahem, white whales in the world.  In the elusive quest to prove that the White Girl Tail Scale should not top out at a perfect 8, I am always looking for Unexpected Arse. Not only did I find the best example of unexpected tail since Mena Suvari, but I found it in full motion!

I mean that is an angle 2.5, full crease, bubble tail special!  I’m still calling that pure gold.  In fact, we’ve also discovered additional footage that added a little shimmy shake set up to the instant classic tail tuck shown above.

I don’t even know if UvT vision would have gone as far as that video went to slow that joint down and repeat it. Those last few versions of the slowed down clip made me feel like I was on the 4th level of the goddamn Inception watching that fuckin white van fall into the water in slow motion for 45 minutes. Uhhhhh…spoiler alert?  Anyway, after all that goodness the haters showed up.  First, Ian provided a cryptic link to a woman named Marie-Pierre Beausejour.  It was like Ian didn’t want to crush everyone’s dreams at once, but he couldn’t bear to leave the truth uncovered.  No explanation, the link didn’t provide any background.  Nothing.  The current leader for UvT Commenter of the Year, Itzdatdude issued the first yellow card and said that was a body double.  He even went so far as to provide evidence to back it up.  Here’s the comment. For those of you not familiar, yes this is written in a unique language but from experience, I can tell you it is the proper use of the Itzish language.

“I’m sad right now. I decided to take a break and go search for a couple more pictures of sweetheart who I had recently nicknamed Miss McAdamnz, out of love for her pretty ass posterior. And what I found out made my dack angry. Apparently ole gurl had a body double for this particular movie, which in turn deceived our finely tuned assological senses. Supposedly, da one wit da ass dat stay on beast mode is none other than this girl on da stairs”

You will see Rachel McAdams in the background and her body double in the foreground wearing the same outfit.  I must say the body double does seem to be sporting a mean back arch and tail game for a chick in flat sandals, but I’m not ready to accept this as the truth.  Damn you for confusing us Marie-Pierre Beausejour!  Of course pictures of Marie are impossible to find.

Then, inexplicably, Ian doubled back to provide counter-evidence to his counter-evidence.  That’s right..the dreaded Counter-counter-evidence.  Before we get to it, I clearly need to establish authenticity.  I’ve had the UvT interns combing the internet for a source shot to establish credibility.

That is Rachel McAdams.  That is her face, that is her loose, yet clingy dress at a the movie premier for “The Time Travelers Wife.”  This was provided by Hiram in the UvT Kenya office.  I didn’t know we had members of Team Us in Kenya, but sometimes I surprise myself  Here is the shot Ian provided:

Lawd Jesus please help me.  Now I’m no expert…wait, I AM an expert and I’m telling you that cheek separation like the specimen featured here is simply not able to be duplicated in the wild.  This is the self same arse featured in the video.  These cheeks have independent suspension and are fully capable of the mesmerizing wobble featured above.  Angle 3?

Look man, I’m convinced.  I don’t need anymore evidence.  I’m gonna temporarily lift the ban on Man on Man R&B duets and have R. Kelly and Usher record a song called “Same Tail“.  Rachel has so much tail, I’m going to send her a certification that allows her to omit a friend from being declared a “fail tail” because Rachel is carrying enough for both of them.  I’m going begin a petition that states if Marie-Pierre Beausejour is also bringing this kind of heat and is in fact the woman featured in this video, that the lack of recognition is an injustice being inflicted both upon this young lady and an abject assault one our core American values and Ms. Beausejour should be recognized and glorified. (I’m also placing a bounty on some shots that verify the claim).

Until then.  Rachel, whether you know it or not, you are Team Us for life.

-Brock

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