Serena Williams: The Plot Thickens…and Shakes

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—————UPDATE————-

This was a great post. We had Serena Williams in a video dancing for the camera in the first one, and getting her vigorous shake on in a tennis skirt in the second. It sparked off a debate about how rich you have to be to stop shakin your ass to impress people. The unique nature of a sports star really trying to shake it and get loose. As well as just the pure unadulterated joy of watching one of the most famous tails of our time in full strip club mode (there was a debate as to the skill of the shake but for me enthusiasm is 70% of the work in a good booty shake.

UNFORTUNATELY Serena’s lawyers were on the case and asked me to take it down (even though it was already taken off of youtube so my links didn’t work…maybe they don’t understand how the internet works). As my man H8torade said, that woman better be trying to shut down the whole internet because her client’s ass is in the wild. Better yet, she should ask her client to stop recording her clapping her booty cheeks in hotel rooms and letting the footage out. That is probably the easiest way to stop the problem. Cut it off at the source.

If you need some fine examples of bootyshaking (and when would you ever answer “no” to that statement?) check out the comment by Itzdatdude below. He keeps us sourced with such things.

————-UPDATE—————-

 

Now Serena Williams has been prominently featured on Us Versus Them before. She is UvT Quality. She did that ridiculous thing with the dress at the Espys. She is the original muscle butt. The ass so big it looked like it was chasing her. Now we have caught Serena shaking her considerable assets in the past. Remember that Luda Concert?

UPDATED Also…

Don’t spend too much time with that video, because the future is HERE. Right now. So a few weeks ago, Serena appeared in this incredible video.

Check this out. Probably a 3 on the UvT NSFW scale. She’s getting it in.

UPDATE: VIDEO REMOVED.

Serena’s lawyers are trying to fly through the internets to remove all evidence of the video. I just linked a youtube. But I’ll do my part.

I have a feeling that the frames when she drops out of the shot from 27 seconds to 33 seconds might be the greatest missing footage ever. All I see is the top of the booty flash. Just a girl and a laptop having fun. I know what you’re saying. She coulda done more. Yeah. She did.

UPDATE: See Above.

Lawd, lawd, lawd. I know my boy G the Intern is gonna love this one. I mean she really got the full on stripper booty twerk down cold. Yes, she’s in that corporate tennis skirt. No, I can’t say with certainty that she is wearing draws. Yes, I think I saw some THANGS during the first few moments of that video. I just watched it again. I wish I had the original audio to confirm the apparent clapping that is taking place in this video. Serena just rocketed right near the top of the list. She’s like the Anti-Kardashian. Kim got a lotta ass and doesn’t know what to do with it. Serena got ass and she works it like she is making strides in ass-innovation. Like she is from the future where cyborg asses as outfitted with independent suspension. Where instead of conversations, people communicate by vigorously shaking their asses at one another. She has never lost an argument in that alternate, wonderful future.

Serena. What other wonderful videos do you have on that laptop. Like aRa Kelly said…seems like you’re ready.

-Brock

Rihanna Even Works It on Vacation

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Rihanna might not be the best singer int he world. Rihanna might not be the best looking lady in the world. But I will tell you one thing. Rihanna has sexy down cold. You know I’ve got an example.

Rihanna goes swimming in the ocean or a lake or something. I don’t know. What does she wear to the water? A bathing suit? No. A wet suit? nah. She just rocks an extra long black wife beater. When I say ONLY. I mean ONLY. Who comes out of the house like this?

She was apparently snorkeling in search of the famous humpback whale. Are you kidding me? Shirt just-a-clinging to every curve she’s got huh? This might be the first water angle 2 we’ve ever featured here.

Now Rih-Rih is about to sey ip for an epic moment. We’re going to take it slow though.

If that was all she gave us, I’d be happy. It is just enough to let you know that Rihanna is keeping it silky smooth. But you know how she does it, she takes it one step further.

Maybe even two steps further. If you want to know what happens when I close my eyes and dream at night, you’ve just seen it. Rihanna butt naked, soaking wet, shining like she has been dipped in honey. Is she swimming in baby oil? Why is her ass so shiny? She just left the house with no draws? hI appreciate it though. The motorboat she’s letting her girl give her is just a bonus shot. I don’t even know how that went down. I like the fact there is liquor involved though.

Rihanna, I’m pretty sure there is some kind of love for you here at UvT. Keep up the good work. If that sex tape is real, I might shut down the site. My work here will be done.

-Brock

When is Thick Too Thick?

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As the worlds leading assologist, I don’t often get into matters of personal preference. I can’t speak for other people. I can just give you the tools to make your own evaluation. In fact, March Madnass surprised me a bit. It’s my fault really. I was the one who dropped “ass” right in the name. For some reason, some of you thought it was some sort of a size contest. So one of my all time favorites has made a major shift on the thickness scale. She’s gone from thick as Texas toast to mouthful of peanut butter.  Here is classic Mya.

She quietly might still have some of the best King Magazine covers ever. This is ideal thickness to me. A place for everything and everything in its place. Here is Mya at a concert this week.

Before you even ask. No, I don’t know what the hell she has on. Also, no, I’ve never seen a bathing suit cummerbund before either. Mya has turned the corner here for me. Not the corner that makes her a 0 on the binary scale, she’s still most certainly a 1, but as far as personal preference, this is just more than what I need or prefer. We need another shot.

She is almost Alicia Keysian in her thickness here. She also looks like she is at Carnival in the 80′s.

This is one of those girls who has everything in the right place, but it just might be a little too much of everything. Where do you even buy a bathing suit cumberbund? Do they sell those? Or so you buy a mini skirt and just let it ride high?

I’ve got friends who love something like this. Who love a chick with a little density to em. I’m just saying, I like throwback Mya. Who can be mad at this shot?

That is nothing short of spectacular. Perfection really. For the record, when I say “thick”, the above picture is exactly what I’m talking about. Beyond this? I believe you might be in superthick range.  You might be on your own.

-Brock

 

 

Vida Guerra Has a New Career

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I actually remember the exact moment it happened. I was flipping through an issue of FHM (terrible I know, but it was good at the time) and saw something that let me know my life’s work would be in Assology. Here is that picture:

A few interesting things about this picture. One, Vida was bringin the heat back in 2002. Second, it is incredible how quickly half naked women become unsexy. Here I was thinking naked was timeless, but that high cut pink leopard over there on the left is horrible. So this picture is when Vida started to cement herself on the Mount Rushmore of bad chicks.

For the last decade, she has been consistently killing it in every picture she was in.

She was selling thick, and sales were swift. But now, she’s gone the other way. She’s become a fitness model.


It is hard to be mad at a woman who is in great shape like that, but as soon as I saw these pictures I had to know. I had to know if the tail game would be preserved during this radical change.

Awwwwwwww! Well, look it’s no longer effectively aggressive, but it is definitely aggressively effective.

Interlude: Vida still looks good in that picture, but that dude on the left looks so ridiculous, I had to include this picture. He looks like a rejected G.I. Joe character. He’d have a name like Roadblock, Knockout, Tractor, or Calvin. You can tell he’s on that stuff because he has baby feet.

I will say this about the fitness model business. It must be like rehab for stripper heels. When 4 inch heels with clear bottoms are ready to give up the life of walking around on stage in strip clubs, they can go to fitness competitions and try to class that place up.

That was just gratuitous. And so is this reminder that things used to be a lot more gratuitous around here.

I had the interns scour the internet for the elusive Angle 2. Apparently they never, ever turn sideways in fitness competitions. They just look forward then instantly turn around. But you know I always get what I need.

Once again, the woman looks incredible. But I never thought I’d see the day when Vida Guerra would have to pose with the “tail out back arch” in an Angle 2 shot. How things have changed.

Still a lifetime 1 on the UvT Binary scale though.

-Brock

 

Rihanna is Team Us…And a Freak Too

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Oh Rihanna. What don’t we love about you? You have been consistent for years. You are comfortable with your sexuality. You don’t seem to have a problem getting naked. All we need is a sextape and she will have hit for the cycle.

I don’t know what Kadooment day is in Barbados, but I do like the way they celebrate it.

It’s just like the UvT office parties. Lots of skin, drank in hand, bodies everywhere. But we are talking about RiRi here, so you know she really got it in.

That’s my girl. I like how that drink isn’t touching the ground on this move. She’s a pro. My man back there is focused too.

Gotta let the ladies get some too. Is there anything better than a good look back? This isn’t her first time with that move.

Gratuitous Angle 3?

Sure, why not?

I like the goodbye shot though.

That young lady looks solid. Stout. That hip tattoo is killin. The J’s are barely being contained, the stomach game is so tight it is giving off a glow.

She has a gift.

-Brock

————–UPDATE————-

Video!

She gets it in at about the 0:34 second mark. Can someone rip a gif of that for me? It’s got a little extra bounce on it.

UvT Quality: Juliana “Juju” Salimeni

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I’m a big UFC fan. They put on a much better show than boxing these days. The PPV last weekend was filled with great knockouts and surprise endings. A few weeks ago though, I noticed a in ring reporter that caught my attention. I thought TeamUs might want to check it out. Meet Juliana “Juju” Salimeni.

I’ll give you a moment.

Yeah. I just dropped angle 2 on you from the jump and there really isn’t need for much more discussion. You don’t need a degree in advanced Assology to appreciate Juju’s gifts. But in the interest of science, of course, I needed to gather more information. How do we duplicate this phenomenon? How can we recreate this in the wild? Before we get there, let’s see what else Juju is working with.

Respectable work there.

A classic execution and angle. With a spectacular finish.

Even some classic roleplay. Wait a minute. Generally Angle 1 doesn’t produce much need for follow up investigation. Those thighs look a little skrong. This may be a case of nurture of nature. Juliana has real comic book proportions. Let’s see if the interns can dial up more evidence.

I guess we know who always leaves the extra plates on the squat rack at the gym. Juju looks like she can handle about 450 on warmups. Her legs are bigger than Shogun Rua back there.

And yet, that doesn’t disturb me one bit.

We may have found a new species of woman out there. The Juju Thighthickumus Maximus. Related to the Holdup Wouldayalookadere species. More research is scheduled, until then I leave you with another example so you can spot this rare specimen in the wild.

Do not approach from behind. It may endanger your health.

-Brock

Amber Rose: Not So Undercover Freak

12 Comments

I know what some of you are thinking. Brock, we’ve been reading Us Versus Them for years and you have never missed a sextape scandal. You’ve always been there for us when a young starlet gets caught sexting. Hell, you hit us with Eddie Long pics, Anthony Weiner pics, and there hasn’t been a good scandal in a while. You all heard there was some new heat in the streets and you are wondering what UvT is going to do about it.

Amber Rose is still one of the baddest chicks out and she was the 2009 Second Runner Up for UvT Quality Chick of the year. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly a fair fight, 2009 was the year of “Everyone get’s naked on the internet”. Rihanna, Cassie, That chick from the Cheetah Girls, Vanessa Hudgens. I’m sure there are a few I forgot. But at the time Amber Rose kept it relatively clean.

She was winning because she was Kanye’s girl and was able to flip it from Stripper chick to high fashion model. I was never really buying the high fashion model part because the stripper antics were so authentic.

That just feels so much more real than this:

Well, I was right, the freak was ready to re-emerge. Now in the era of sexting I know people take some pictures of some things they didn’t before. Rihanna had a few in a bathroom mirror. Anthony Weiner popped a few shots in the Congress locker room. Eddie Long threw on his Under Armor and flexed on em. Those are just the famous people. There are all kinds of butts and J’s flying through the cell towers. Now I know people can get a little loose in those pics, but Amber took it to a whole new level. There is a difference between a few nude pics and going full on porn star. Amber went porn star.

Now I’ve only heard about these pictures. As you know, Us Versus Them has a strict “no look” policy. I don’t know which of you out there are into ex-stripper, video chicks with a bad body and a stripper mentality propping herself up on a couch and showing you everything she’s working with. Who’s into that sort of thing? Media Take Out landed the pics. You can check em out HERE if you want to.

I didn’t go, you’ll have to let me know what they’ve got over there. I will provide a service for those who go check the pictures out. Sometimes people see an obvious picture of themselves and try to claim it isn’t them. So I’ll give you some evidence to help you out, help you authenticate.

There is Amber Rose. Those are some unique shoes she’s got on there. I’m just saying, check em out. You might see em again. Hit up Media Take Out to check em out.

Amber is officially on the list. We should start up a contest to see who is next. Any predictions?

-Brock

Man Up Monday

8 Comments

The NFL lockout is already having a detrimental effect on UvT. I’m not saying that something exciting would have happened if we were heading toward a full and legit NFL season, I’m just saying that nothing interesting happened, so I’m gonna go ahead and blame it on the NFL. I’m sure something interesting happened in baseball, but I’m not sure exactly what it is. All I know is that we are coming up on the time when it is going to start messing up my Fantasy Football prep for this fall. I’m not going to be betting on the players I think will be able to play well this season, I’m going to be trying to figure out who didn’t turn into a fatass without training camp this season. I know who I’ve got my eyes on.

Albert Haynesworth.

This dude looked out of shape LAST season. Now he hasn’t really played ball since the 2009 season. He’s got to be Fat Miami Heat Shaq out of shape right now. Remember him?

I guess I’ll be fine watching College football, but I doubt it. It just isn’t the same. Yes, I know what you are thinking and you are completely right. I’m complaining about real football not starting strictly so I can pretend to play fake football. I know that is ridiculous, somewhere deep down in my heart. But you have to understand, I’m GOOD at fake football. It’s how I keep the UvT liquor fridge full.

We have a new sponsor here at UvT. The rest of this post is brought to you by Free’s Ass.

Free’s ass has a large budget too.  Do you see this? Look, Free was official UvT quality back in the day, but she is clearly trying to make a comeback. There is so much wrong with this picture it is amazing. Kevin Hart looks like he is about 5 feet 135 back there. The brother on the left has been shopping in Chris Bosh’s closet. The brother on the left is not getting any traction with that young lady in the chair, and the BET Awards still remind me of this classic In Living Color skit.

The black people awar-reds.

What was I talking about and how is this relevant to Man Up Monday? Free is doing her best to get my Man Up right now. Does that work?

Best/worst moment of the night belonged to Tiffany Greene. She was a fan invited up on stage to present a fan favorite award. Her tablet said the winner was Chris Brown, the teleprompter said it was Rihanna, and the person who showed up was Drake. Sound messed up? It was, she couldn’t do anything but this.

So when you see the “Tiffany Greene Face” popping on twitter for the rest of the week, you heard it here first. Her face pretty much sums up how the situation was handled.

Man Up to the NFL, Man Up to the BET Awards giving ol girl instant fame for all the wrong reasons.

-Brock

 

 

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