The Cameltoe Epidemic Has Been Cured: Camelflage That Thang

I remember when the tights movement started years ago. There is a lot of overthickness being disguised in black tights.

Look, I’m actually not mad at her. This is her best option. In the right lighting she just blends into the night. Those tights are holding everything in too. If she unleashes that, we wouldn’t see any of the rest of the people in the picture. But this was just the beginning, it has evolved. Now we are fully in the yoga pants era. Chicks don’t even need to be working out to rock the yoga pants. They are the new jeans.

Keep your head on the swivel. They are everywhere. The mall, the streets, the grocery store. If a woman is remotely in shape they give her an automatic +2. Side note, “girl in yoga pants” may be the single greatest Google search you can ever perform. Try it one day when you have a free afternoon. If you see a girl in yoga pants, you know what to do.

But you can’t have the good without the bad. Every great thing brings its own set of problems. For girls in tights, it is the dreaded cameltoe. Those tights try to grab up on everything and some women aren’t prepared for it. So some young entrepreneur decided to solve the problem. Introducing Camelflage.

I actually don’t know which picture is more disturbing. Is it the fact that the left picture had to involve someone instruction this chick to really pull her pants up in there for maximum puckering. Or the right picture where she looks like a Barbie doll. They get bonus points for the hilarious name “Camelflage” though. They deserve to go on the market just for that.

Why exactly is this a new invention though. I’m pretty sure this was invented by the Catholic church thousands of years ago. It was called draws. Been around forever. Ladies, why don’t you mix in a pair when you rock the tights. Avoiding panty lines? Don’t want the dreaded quad booty? Buy a thong. What? You don’t know what the quad booty is? You know what a quad booty is. We were talking about the cameltoe which is a little out of my jurisdiction as an assologist, but since it came up, this is a quadbooty.

Haaaa. Four butt cheeks, three cracks. That’s horrible. Someone invent something to fix that shit. Call it Quadecepts. Ladies, don’t let a little cameltoe discourage you from rocking your tights. Theres a dude somewhere who will appreciate it.


March Madnass: The Final – Jessica Biel vs. SueLyn Medieros

It is early April and I think Us Versus Them just had the best March ever. March Madnass has our finalists and we are ready for the final vote for the baddest chick out and the front runner to get  UvT Quality Chick of the year in December.

Shout out to the 62 ladies who didn’t make it this far and to everyone who voted all month. It’s always crazy to me when a chick gets voted out early. Kim Kardashian at least made it to the second round, but Rihanna is overexposed now and got bounced in the first round. She is the Duke University of March Madnass. She’s been a champion so many times people just love to see her go down. (Anyone else read that and renew there hope there might be a Rihanna sex tape floating out there? That would earn her a few new fans.)

As I mentioned, I wanted to leave the Final Four voting wide open to the top two chicks made it into the final competition. I didn’t want anyone pointing to a contest and saying “the real final is Biel vs. Vergara”. I probably would have matched it up that way too, pairing the “mainstream” vs. the “video chick”. That’s the way it worked out anyway.

I know you didn’t come here to read. On to the ladies. As with the final last year I want to make sure you have everything you need. We are going with a full breakdown, face, body, tail and Money shot.

Jessica Biel:





and the full on Money Shot: 

That last find might be some of my best work ever.

SueLyn Medieros:




Money Shot: Not moving, but still great.

I’ve done all I can do. Things are completely out of my hands. The rest is up to you Team Us. Let’s pick a winner and crown our champion.





March Madnass 2012: Hell Yeah F’n Right Division

We have the final bracket ready. While I thought the other bracket needed a sex tape alert, SueLyn Medeiros also tried the “leak a sextape, and see if I get famous” trick too. Didn’t work. Has anyone gotten famous off a sextape since Kim K? I mean you don’t need a really famous guy, she used Ray J after all. Seems like a legitimate path to notoriety in a down economy.

On to the brackets:


There is a full on sextape alert for SueLyn Medeiros. If you are short on time and can only pick a few, Paula Patton video is great. Sophie Turner is the resident whooty and impressive, and I’m interested to know how Kate Upton does here at Us Versus Them. I will say that dougie is irresistible.


1. Kate Upton [video]

16. Kamille Leai [video]


2. Bria Myles [video]

15. Sidney Lauren [video]


3. SueLyn Medeiros [video]

14. Melanie Iglesias [video]


4. Emanuelle Chiriqui [video]

13. Jessica Burciaga [video]


5. Brittany Ireland [video]

12. Melyssa Ford [video]


6. Dania Ramirez [video]

11. Paula Patton [video]


7. Ophilia [video]

10. Sophie Turner [video]


8. Brittany Dailey [video]

9. Draya Michelle 


When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: The Strip Club

Ne-Yo went to the strip club recently and I’m pretty sure he got it all wrong. Let’s break it down.

First Issue: He brought his lady to Magic City. I know, I know, it’s sexy, I get it. He must have a down chick (aka a chick who will do anything to catch a famous man). Taking your girl to the strip club is never a good idea. No woman really wants to see her man getting stripper dust sprinkled all over him as ass cheeks vigorously shake in the general vicinity of his junk. Also, I believe it is widely reported that Ne-Yo’s girl is pregnant. I don’t know if it is a boy or a girl, but in the interest of “keep your daughter off the pole” karma I think it is a good idea to keep your unborn child from hearing the rumbling bass of “Round of Applause” as their first song. You are supposed to play your baby classical music, not Rick Ross.

Of course Ne-Yo has the stack of ones, ready for a big night.

His lady has a stack of money too. When you have that much loot the “5 for the top, 5 for the bottoms rules pretty much evaporate. This young lady comes over with the ass out immediately.

You will see those black boxes multiply momentarily. Now some may see the look on Ne-Yo’s lady’s face as a “we ballin and I’m serious about it look”, but it could easily be interpreted as “This tatted up chick is too close to my man already”.

Also, I would like to assume that that bright ass yellow PURSE belongs to the chick, but I think the positioning of the bag as well as the fact that it is simply impractical to carry $3,000 in ones in your hands when you walk into Magic City…I’ve now determined that purse belongs to Ne-Yo.

Now the party starts:

As you can see, when the money starts flying, so do the black boxes. You want to know the worst part about this picture. The dude in the back in that green shirt. On the rare occasion that I go to the strip club, the LAST thing I want is to be photographed with a FULL bottle of Red Berry Ciroc in my hand as an ass out stripper has her ass fully planted in my chest. He didn’t want that when he went out that night. Also, while Red Berry Ciroc may be delicious, I find it to be the bitchiest choice of all Cirocs. Peach is definitely in the running, but peaches always taste like sunshine on a beautiful spring day. What has Red Berry ever done for anyone? Which Red Berry are they even talking about? Strawberries? Raspberries? Slightly unripe Boysenberries? Frankenberry?

The title of this picture is “Ne-Yo contemplates his long term financial planning strategy. In 3D.”

I feel like that dollar is coming right out of the screen at me.

Finally, there is the money shot.

I want to recognize the spirit of American innovation with that combination money clip, arm band she’s rocking. It looks like a simple rubber band, but for the money to stay folded and in place, there is definitely either a second rubber band or a clever twist that holds it all together. That is a stripper definition of “money management.”  There are two other brilliant things about this picture. The fact that the woman is COMPLETELY naked with the exception of her shoes and the photographer who had to be taking this picture on a camera phone was able to find a camera angle that requires exactly zero black boxes. There aren’t many ways for the amateur photographer to get that shot. The second brilliant thing is that Ne-Yo is going full baller right here and the girl only has $13 on her back. Sure, she is standing in a pool of thousands, but there is less than 3 gallons of gas on her back. Ha.

Ne-Yo’s purse is still there too. Terrible dude.

That young lady probably needed a duffle bag to make it home that night. you can never get those dollars to stack back up neatly once they’ve been spread around like that.

So learn from the mistakes I’ve outlined here. It’s a public service. Don’t say I never did anything for ya.



JLo Is A Tease

Now Jennifer Lopez is a booty icon from way back. She’s been bad for a long, long time and she can still really bring the heat.

You know what the fellas here at Us Versus Them want. They need that Angle 2.

Wait a minute. The cameraman didn’t think it was a good idea to take one step to the right? Wasn’t he checking his shots as he went? Or is J.Lo’s tail so large that no matter how far you stepped to the right you couldn’t get to the curvature of the tail. Maybe, it’s like the curvature of the Earth. J.Lo’s ass is so big, you can’t see where it ends so it appears to be flat. Maybe the photographer needs to launch into the stratosphere to get the right shot.

Wait a minute, I just found the money shot.

Propped up on the table no less.

That’s still in the tail piece hall of fame.



Rihanna has the Best Vacations Ever

I believe I’ve finally reached the point where I actually enjoy Rihanna’s vacations more than I enjoy my own. Why? Because she tweets out bikini pictures that are better than any photoshoot she’s ever been in. Like this:

Just hanging in the water, ass out, about to get her surf on. Gotta love an international superstar who is still willing to break out the butt cheeks for the whole world. Haven’t seen JLo’s butt cheeks since the mid 90’s.

Or this one:

I believe this was captioned “shaking it up to Rick Ross”. I’ve never liked Rick Ross’s music more than at this moment.

She even hits the gym on vacation.

If I ever hit the hotel gym and this was waiting for me the workout would be cancelled.

Yes, she had a third swimsuit in the collection.

I include this picture only because Chris Breezy and I have seen this pose before…somewhere…hmmm…

So here’s to my best vacation ever. Love and kisses.



2011 UvT Awards: UvT Quality Chick of the Year

I have to admit, this is my favorite category in the UvT Awards. And, since I know what most of you degenerates searched for when you found Us Versus Them, I know it is yours too. (FYI the top 5 searches this year are for Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Allison Stokke and Kate Gosselin(?) followed by ‘big tits’. Team Us is a classy bunch)

Also, in 2011 we introduced March Madnass.

We fielded 64 women from all levels of fame, notoriety, and uhhhh participation in various forms of video entertainment. (That link is level 2 out of 6 on the UvT NSFW scale, sheeeeeit, this whole post is gonna run about a 3.5 on the UvT NSFW scale…you’ve been warned.) But March Madnass was a little off to me. I really think half the voters thought the purpose was to vote for the woman with the largest ass possible. Laura Dore was the runner up:

I can’t argue with the people on that one. It is like the voting for MVP. Is it the most valuable player on their team, or is it the best player on the best team? In that case, Laura Dore is clearly one of the thickest chicks playing for Team white people and is one of the reasons I adjusted the White Girl Tail Scale (WGTS™) to a perfect 9. But the voters (barely) got it together and went for an all time superstar, Stacey Dash.

A fitting winner any year.

Amber Rose dropped a new nude pic like every 3 weeks, which would usually win you this award, but I’m pretty sure she outweighs her man by like 20 pounds, so that’s a little weird for me. There was also Suelyn Medeiros who I thought was going to roll to at least the final 8, but pretty much got clipped early. She also released a sextape, which usually allows you to take this award home, but it was so staged and average, I didn’t even talk about it. I mean, I also didn’t watch it, because I never watch those things, but that is what I was told when I wasn’t, you know, watching it.

And you guys are searching for “Kate Gosselin”? I need to do a reader poll. Maybe my readers are MILF lovers who don’t know you can LITERALLY FIND ANYTHING on the internet. Why are you searching for Kate Gosselin? There is so much specifically perverse stuff on the web, there are simple everyday terms I’m scared to search. Like “tailpipe”. I’m NEVER typing that into Google.

So it is time for UvT Quality Chick of the year. There was one woman I talked about more than anyone else on this site this year. She is the essence of pure sex in its raw form. She won in 2009, and she is now a 2 time winner.


Before you protest (and Before ItzDatDude in the comments hits me with five level 6 NSFW links of thick Asian chicks in the comments) let’s discuss the terms of UvT quality. That tattoo running down her hip is UvT Quality, that ridiculous stomach game peeking out of that shadow is UvT quality. The fact that she takes pictures like this on vacation is UvT Quality.

The fact that she’s on all fours on a boat with her ass sticking in the air…well, you get the point. She made me understand that Kadooment Day might be my favorite holiday of all time based on this:

Any holiday that has an international superstar backing it up in full regalia, in broad daylight, with a drink in her hand she clearly doesn’t want to spill is my kind of holiday. Her new album has a chorus on one song that is just “I love it when you eat it”, and an interlude that ends with “I wanna fuck you right now”.  She’s got that X-Factor and it’s great. Ri-Ri, go on ahead and celebrate. You are the 2011 UvT Quality Chick of the year.

Hey, far be it from me to tell you how to celebrate. Congratulations.





Elephant Hunting: UPDATED!…AGAIN!

I ain’t gon lie. Now hear this….This post right here, might get me banned from UvT for the rest of my life. I’ma let you in on a little personal side of me. I’ve known Brock and Lake over a decade. I’ve been on enough adventures with them  and had enough wild times that I know what they like in women. All of you have similar tastes. I know…I know. Let me show you this chart.

Now, what you’re looking at is our personal preferences in what we like in a woman.  As you can see, Lake and Brock’s preferences are very similar.  My preferences overlap their preferences a lot as well, but as you can see my net is a little bigger….and a little lower.   That area in my circle that Brock and Lake can’t get down with? They don’t want no parts of that. That’s for me, me alone, I’m on an island with that piece…by myself, and I’m fine with that.   I like them thick!!   Now my Pops is black and my Mama is white, but she got black features.   That whole side of the family does.   That’s my cousin on the right.

Feel me?

I like ’em like that, and I even like them thicker.  Now I don’t care what race you are, but you gotta have black features.   Juice in the caboose.  I got brainwashed for a minute out here in LA, but I finally had to cut off my last girl because I couldn’t take it.   She had a face that made you want to kiss her for 4 hours straight, but the tail looked like she had been spanked continuously for a year  by a pizza spatula.

Anyway, so I’m over my french vanilla’s spot last night and I spot this chick on the cover of Elle Magazine.

I said to myself, “that’s a nice face I need to see more.”  Caught the name and looked on the web right quick.

Meet Tara Lynn

Now she don’t have the powerful gorilla cheeks that my cousin is packing, but I could have a lot of fun with that.  I like some thick legs that I can wrestle with….

…Just hide behind the door and tackle her to the bed….

My boy is a consultant and he only works from time to time.  He calls it elephant hunting, kill a job that he could eat off of for 4 months before he gotta work again.  That’s how I look at this.   I’m not trying to snack for a minute, I’m trying to eat for a week.

Now look.  I know what you’re thinking. I see it too. She’s got a bit of a stomach. It’s a Lawry’s Salt level 7. But trust The Kid, I’d be chasing this broad around the house like Wile E Coyote chasing the Road Runner. She’d trim that joint up in a week.

So like I said, this falls outside of the intersection of Brock’s and Lake’s preferred mujer, but I know somebody feels me if you’re being honest. Don’t think it is all good though, I have limits too. If you can roll over and kill me by accident in the middle of the night, Lawry ain’t checking for you.

Ain’t enough Lawry’s Seasoned Salt in Costco to rate this one.



Ahhhhh, the folly of youth. My boy the young’n Mike Lawry is coming out of the gate swinging. As an experienced Assologist I can see the mistakes he is making from a mile away. Sometimes you have to let em learn on their own. I’m realizing that might be the burden of the Assologist…I might be entering the next phase of my tenure as the worlds leading authority on the cheeks that never smile, the father of Tailonomics, I need to give back to the kids. Sit on down right now for a quick lesson in Modern Assology.

Now young Mike might be elephant hunting, but what he doesn’t realize is that he is trying to identify a rare species that does not exist. The perfectly formed thick tail is the exclusive physical trait of the black woman. (and the occasional Asian chick that Itzdatdude from the comments finds on the internets). When you try to look for the true Whooty, you might as well be Unicorn hunting for real. It doesn’t exist, it is all just an illusion. But modern technology makes it possible. Here’s an example.

I’ll tell you what I like. I like a woman who knows what she brings to the party and is prepared to get every single possible inch out of what God gave her. This young lady has it all packed in tight. Throw on some heels and with a boot cut and suddenly the illusion is complete. You can’t let them tuck the muffin top back in and tell you it is just a muffin. You know she’s been baking her entire life and all of a sudden she can’t account for where the muffin tops all went? That metaphor lost it’s way some where in there. I say all of that to say this. C’mon man, that’s not ass, shes just got everything tucked and placed in the approximate location of ass. Like the old trick where you would show how big your bicep is by pushing it up from the other side.  I know, I know, by time you get her home and out of those jeans and find out the truth it is too late to stop, I know.

Look, I’m not gonna tell you what to like. I just want to make sure you are making the decision you think you are making. That’s my duty, I’ve got to pay it forward.



Ha!  I see my boy Brock is trying to son me with a Second Round TKO, LL Cool J/Cannibus styles.

Let me make one thing clear for you playas and playettes.  When it comes to assology, I am a Big Homey OG in the game.  I had a stallion so bad, when I walked through the Bronx Zoo, the silver backs used to bow in respect for those cheeks.

Also, check it.  I’ve been around the world, sowed my royal oats and have seen enough to know that the Whooty does exist, and it also comes in a variety of flavors.  Just cause you ain’t see it, don’t mean it don’t exist.  Don’t limit me to other people’s limitations.  But I don’t have to go across any country, state or city lines.  Whooties run around this city like roaches in the projects.  For example…

Jenna ain’t playing!!!  Ya heard?????

Like I said, I’m not ridiculous with mine.  My net is a little bigger, that’s all.   I put them on that Lawry’s diet and shape up program, and put them back on the street for the suckas to come sloppy seconds.  Like Red Cafe said, “I ain’t no backyard nicca, but my workout plan will make your backyard bigger.”   If I wasn’t worried about her reading this and coming knocking at my door with a cleaver, I’d put up a picture of my Philijapexican – (fill-i-juh-PEX-i-cun) Philipino + Japanese + Mexican, to show you that it is possible to be thick, firm, flat stomach, junky, in jeans, out of jeans and with no rolls.

I’ll end with this.   I mean, look, I like the slim goodies with the pretty face and with that thang pokin’ out.  But I also like a thick trunked slim bellied Secretariat.    Like I said, I have limits.  If cats flip on me at my bachelor party like Hip Hip Jorge (below), it’s time to fire the best man.


Ain’t enough salt in the ocean….