Tom and Katie: The Scientology of Breaking Up

I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible!  It seemed like a match made in heaven.

But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?

Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.

Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.

Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.

They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.

Tom Cheated.

Tom is an asshole.

Tom is not human.

Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.

Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.

Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.

Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.

Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.

I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Dear White People (And Gwyneth Paltrow) You CAN NOT Use The Word Nigga

I don’t know why this issue continues to come up. But apparently we need to cover this again. We can cut right to the chase. Dear White people, it is NEVER okay to use the word nigga. Nigger either for that matter. Hell I don’t usually use the word. I’ve just got to drop it so it hits you with that full effect. Gwyneth Paltrow either didn’t get the memo or got so high from being on stage with Jay-Z and Kanye doing Niggas in Paris IN PARIS eleven times and she temporarily went insane and sent out this tweet.

There are so many things wrong with this moment. Let’s break them down shall we?

Let’s get this out the way first. I don’t want to hear that nigga is right in the name of the song, so she should have a right to say it. I know exactly where they stop the song and whatever the song is called they actually only say nigga twice in the song up to that point. By contrast, they say fuck 6 times, shit 8 times, and bitch twice. You want a scapegoat song when you need an excuse to say nigga? Listen to this Body Work by Pusha T. I believe the total count is 49…mostly in the second verse.

Blame this epidemic on that joint, not Jay-Z and Kanye. Great song by the way.

So Gwyneth shouldn’t have done it, it was a horrible idea and there is nothing you can tell me that will make it okay. I’m going to tell you why.

REASON #1: Using the word Nigga is dangerous.

There are only a few reasons another person is allowed to kill you under the law. First, you break into their house. Second, you try to kill them or one of their loved ones. Third, they catch you fucking their wife/husband. Finally, calling a black person nigger. Under the fighting words doctrine, you can legally catch an ass whoopin. Look at that list, the rest of the items are right in the Ten Commandments. Thou Shall Not Steal. Thou Shall Not Kill. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery. I feel like if they had let a Black dude get a book in the Bible, the book of Rodney would have slipped in Thou Shall Not Say Nigga. When the law says, fuck it you are on your own, turn back. The law can’t help you.

Heres the other problem with Gwyneth sending out her tweet. Some time immediately thereafter, she realized she fucked up and needed a way out. Solution number one should have been to apologize, but instead, she went the OTHER way. She tried to find the nearest black man to help her out with a nigga pass. Kanye and Jay, must have still been busy on stage, so she went for the next best thing. The Dream.

Really? Do you really think The Dream has enough street cred to just un-nigga a nigga situation? Just because he is wearing a big ass fitted hat AND stunna shades AND a fat gold chain AND has a suede and leather collar popped? Come on. Dream tried to pretend like he was tweeting from her account. He didn’t even try to issue her a nigga pass, he tried to use his own. That’s plagiarism. Fraud. Chicanery. In fact, lets just assume The Dream DID send the tweet from Gwyneth’s phone after she logged into her account. Let’s assume this is true. So the point is The Dream is using his blackness as verification of the situation. In that case, he also undermined his own credibility at the same time. If it was the Dream, and he is so thugged out he couldn’t help but to send out that text. What the hell is “tyty, beehigh”? If it was him, that becomes the most offensive thing in the tweet. What they hell does that mean Dream? Huh? You don’t know because you didn’t send that shit. Siddown.

Gwyneth, next time try to get a cosign from Samuel L. Jackson, Cornell West, a member of the Nation of Islam, someone. damn. Maybe Kanye would have helped you out.

Maybe not.

Look, I don’t just bring up problems without offering solutions. I’ve got something that will save White people for the rest of eternity. I can take this issue off the table immediately. Invented right here at Us Versus Them. Instead of nigga, just say nilla. It’s easy. Gwyneth was on stage. How hilarious would it be if she tweeted out “They’ve got Nillas in Paris too!” Instant classic. No one can ever get mad at you because a Nilla is a delicious little cookie. The reference is always hilarious. You can use it freely and it is never offensive. Feel free to refer people directly to me if anyone has any questions.

Just do it, trust me it will be wonderful for everyone. If you decide not to follow my advice…then you deserve this:

That never gets old.

-Brock

P.S. Gwyneth, just say you’re sorry. The word offends a lot of people. It’s wrapped up in a lot of shit. I’m not saying the rules about the use and the frequency by which Black people use the word makes any sense. I can’t even defend it. It’s silly, really, but thems the rules. Deal with it.

How UvT Works: Finding the Next UvT Quality Chick

When I think about it, this job is crazy. I get all kinds of crazy tweets and emails with wild stuff all the time. There were times when there was a new Kim Kardashian picture and every contact point I have would literally erupt with activity. Sometimes I can’t get to everything on time so I just leave myself a little reminder. It sits in my drafts until I can come back to it. I have to leave myself reminders because I get pictures of women I’ve never heard of before. I’l never remember their names. So today I was looking through my archives and I saw just two words.

Keyla Snowden.

There was nothing else. Sometime back in March I left myself those two words. A message to my future self to be inspired and amazed. I literally have no idea what she looks like or why I wrote those words. But I trust my past self. He’s never let me down.

This time was no different.

I typed the name into Google and this is what I got back.

Well hello Ms. Snowden. Remind me to thank my past self next time I see him. Look, she’s not the baddest chick ever to grace the pages of Us Versus Them, but let me give you a little background. First of all, she’s definitely got everything you could need or want. Second, let me assure you she is in the top 1% of her peers. Keyla Snowden is a college basketball player.

She plays at Kentucky, and apparently she was brought to my attention because of Skylar Diggins of Notre Dame. See Skyler Diggins has been holding down the title of “damn, that girl on Sportscenter was actually cute” for the past year. I’ll admit, I joined the frenzy. But let me tell you Keyla has her beat.

Here’s another reason future me needed to wait until I wrote this article. I just discovered this phenomenon last week. Keyla is what you might call “Atlanta Cute” which is different from “New York Cute” or “LA Cute”. Atlanta Cute is solid, she gives you exactly what you need and is a clear 1 on the binary scale, but just has that feel like saying “aye shawty let me holla at ya” to her might actually work. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again there is another key aspect to being Atlanta Cute. I’m from the ATL and you might say we have a very particular appreciation for women down there. You could say it has inspired me to write this blog. To persevere as the world’s leading authority on assology. Keyla definitely brings that to the table. I don’t have a clean angle 2. But I don’t think angle 2.85 will disappoint.

Keyla Snowden is definitely UvT Quality and might be the baddest college basketball chick out. If you know one badder than her, send it to me. I’ll probably get around to it by time next basketball season starts.

I Don’t Know Who Micaela Schaefer Is But…DAMN

I haven’t seen Men In Black 3 yet, but somehow I think I could be compelled to check it out.

This is Micaela Schaefer, I think she’s in the movie. She got invited to the international premier and showed up naked. If she’s not in the movie, that’s kinda showboating. I have to imagine any woman who was actually in the movie would be pissed about it. I don’t know if that is leather or film, but you may be surprised to know she is actually wearing less than you think she is.

That dude with the camera and the press pass is now convinced that taking pictures for the local newspaper like Peter Parker. Little does he know this will be his best day of work ever. I hope he took advantage of it. He looks pretty happy though.

Seriously, you still don’t really appreciate how naked this chick is. I know it was cold as hell in the theater too. Her mom should have told her to bring a sweater or a jacket or something.

That aside, it is a historic day here at Us Versus Them. We usually go to the angle 2 to find out what a lady is really working with. Let me assure you, she’s holding Angle 2 down. But this is more than a regular angle 2, this is a simultaneous tail and J angle 2. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’m pretty sure that is so much boob it no longer qualifies as side boob. If that was only the side, the boob would actually have to go all the way around, like an orb. She’s just fully naked with her J’s out. I think this is literally the most boob you can show without it being pornographic. It’s so much more boob than you expect that if you look long enough it doesn’t even seem like a boob anymore.

Whatever is going on here, I appreciate it Micaela. I hope your part in the meeting was a fulfilling, Oscar worthy performance. Can’t wait to see it.

-Brock

 

Kate Upton Knows Hypnosis

Because I just found this on my computer and when I came to the sun had moved in the sky and my coffee was ice cold. I also want to go to the beach. I had to share. You will not be able to resist her powers.

I like how the photo crew guy is close when she starts dancing and immediately decides to back out once he discovers he can’t handle what is about to go down.

Don’t say I never did anything for you. With Paulina Gretzky below I guess it is officially White Girl Wednesday here at UvT.

-Brock

Wayne Gretzky’s Daughter Might Be A Great One Herself

Wayne Greztky is far and away the best hockey player ever. Look at the NHL Wiki page, his name is all over that joint. But I’ve just found out that he has a young model/actress daughter Paulina.

When I first glanced at this picture I thought she might have a really huge tail piece, but if that was the case someone would have sent me this picture a long time ago. Look, the article isn’t about this, but can we just pretend the back of that dress is filled with ass for one moment? Humor me here. It would clearly be a little too much, and a bit out of proportion, but it isn’t like we haven’t seen anything like that before. Looking at you Angle Lola Luv. I’m gonna file this picture under ‘Unexpected Ass’ just in case.

Okay, I’m done.

I didn’t  bring you here to talk about hockey or an incredibly fortunate dress construction. I’m here to talk about the fact Paulina Gretzky really gets loose in photos she releases to the internet. I mean really loose. Check a sample.

This is about as tame as it gets…because this is from a magazine. You want to see the stuff she sends out herself?

I guess the young lady knows what she’s working with. But you know it wouldn’t be Us Versus Them if it didn’t get better than this. Ask yourself, is there ever a good reason to instagram your own ass?

Apparently. Althought I would have gone with that “Valencia” filter to really bring out some highlights.  It gets better.

Partying with Captain America and Corporal Champagne over here. She looks like she’s having a good time though. We’ve still got the money shot though. This is the one that pretty much locks her in for UvT Quality status.

Did I mention she sends these out HERSELF? This is from her Twitter feed. Look, her dad isn’t the President or anything, but when you go spread eagle on Twitter, can a sex tape be far behind? You want to know the most ridiculous thing about that last picture. Now I don’t want to make you look at it too closely, but she’s wearing shorts. You probably didn’t even see them. When you have a pair of shorts that small in the arsenal, you are really trying to get out on the break. That looks like a great pool party though.

Paulina Gretzky, welcome to #TeamUs. You’re officially on the watchlist. You don’t have a huge body of work, but I like your style.

-Brock

Things to DEFINITELY Google: USC Song Girls

I know we are a bit out of football season, but sometimes you need some off season work to make sure you are prepared for the season. I’ve been a long time supporter of the USC Cheerleaders. While I usually give most of the props to the Oregon cheerleaders, USC always has something really classy about them.

Now in most of my searches on the internet, I’ve come up with a long list of things you should never google without safe search. Fire hose. Hot pocket. The 69 Boys. But, somehow in my travels through California I found out the true name  of the USC Cheerleaders. So instead of getting a few random pics you magically get the mother lode of pictures. So this is something you should DEFINITELY Google.  “USC Song Girls”. It’s crazy.

Here’s a representative picture.

You get all kinds of vacation pictures. Candid shots. Stretching during warmups. All that. Just because I haven’t done it in a while, I’ve going to have to binary scale this picture.

1,1, the height is giving me pause but 1, 1, 1, gimpy ankle 1, as tall as chick number three and giving me much less pause 1, hardest decision of the day 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Yeah, all 1’s. See what I’m saying? These ladies are phenomenal. Find me another cheerleading squad in the land that doesn’t have a few bottom of the pyramid chicks. Nawlmsayin?

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Rich Dudes Who Still Need to Do This…

Every once in a while someone comes up with the perfect business plan. For example, whoever comes up with a way to change the process of moving so it isn’t the shittiest experience in life deserves to get rich. Right now the only way to get a sleeper sofa to the third floor is to lift that bastard and climb.

Pretty people kinda have it all. They get the benefit of the doubt. People go out of their way to help them. I’ve literally seen cute chicks get on the airplane with a big ass carry on and pantomime the process of actually lifting her bag into the overhead bin. She had no intention of lifting it, she was just going to use the power of cute to enchant the men around her to do her bidding. It worked. Immediately. I know my theory is right, because when you see the power of pretty being underused. Like have you ever seen a really cute chick working at McDonald’s and thought to yourself, “what the hell ar you doing here? Don’t you know someone will hire you to do something better than this?” Or, have you ever seen a hot homeless person?

No, breakdown Britney doesn’t count. Before you think too hard, I’ll answer that for you. No, no you haven’t. Because someone will rescue hot from the streets.

So check out this business plan. MissTravel.com has built an entire business around “beautiful people become prostitutes travel free”.

The website is just being straight up about people using their beauty as currency. Why stand in a club in Vegas waiting for some old, rich, white dude to offer to fly you to Bora Bora? You can just logon and allow them to fly you out with no actual footwork! The website literally filters these women out like a craigslist ad. Like a lineup at the Bunny Ranch. Sure, you get to travel anywhere in the world, but is it worth making that pussy payment when you get there?

I’m not even mad at it for leveraging sex as a form of payment, because that is exactly what this is. I will say this, the website is super shady about their ability to keep you safe. Here are the highlights:

  • Do not go anywhere with a stranger, especially if the person who meet you is not the one you are expecting.
  • Give your family or friends a copy of the passport and phone number of the person you are traveling with or visiting.
  • We do not perform background check on our members, so please proceed with extreme caution.

Doesn’t that sound great? Maybe no one reads the fine print on these things when a free plane ticket is involved, but damn they’re basically telling you that you might disappear.

So rich dudes sign up on this website and choose a beautiful woman to travel with them. But you have to know if a dude flies you halfway around the world, you aren’t getting a separate hotel room and you might have to pay for that ticket somehow.

Does that look like the appropriate price of a trip to Costa Rica? Or is that more of a New Zealand price tag? Look, I know rich dudes still need game. I know when you are a rich dude you really don’t have time to line up some international pimpin every time you go somewhere. But damn. Even President Obama’s secret service advance team knows how to scoop up some local talent and get em back to the hotel.

So rich dudes, come on, you already have an edge on the UvT Real Scale of 1-10. You have to do about 20% of the work the rest of us have to do and you are already willing to throw cash at a random chick to take her on vacation. That will actually work in real life too. Get out into the field and put in some time to get what you want.

Rich dudes, Man Up! You’re better than this.

-Brock