I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible! It seemed like a match made in heaven.
But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?
Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.
Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.
Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.
They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.
Tom is an asshole.
Tom is not human.
Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.
Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.
Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.
Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.
Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.
I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…