The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

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General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.

-Brock

Jennifer Love Hewitt is…Whoa, Where’d THAT Come From?

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I’m pretty sure this picture is self explanatory.

Now when I said it was self explanatory, I meant the quality of the picture explains itself, I can’t explain how the image captured in the picture is possible based on the all the empirical evidence I’ve seen over the years. But I live in the moment, so I’ll just appreciate the now and not worry about the past or the future.

-Brock

I will say if this photo has not been manipulated, we will be discussing Ms. Love Hewitt more in the future.

If Us Versus Them Directed the Gangnam Style Video

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I’m pretty much done with the Gangnam Style song at this point. I can’t lie, the video still gets me on occasion, but until PSY releases a follow up that does a billion hits on YouTube, I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough. Until I saw this version. You know what, I’m getting ahead of myself, these are the Panicats:

I  don’t speak Brazilian, but if my assumption is correct, “Panicats” has something to do with hitting the squat rack at the gym and a lack of clothing. So much meaning in one little word. Portuguese is such a complex language. So I don’t know what these ladies do for a day job, but some genius got them to remake the Gangnam Style video shot for shot. Well…better than shot for shot, you’ll see.

How tired do people have to be of Gangnam Style for that version to have only 27,000 hits? Did you see what I saw? Was anyone else anxiously waiting for the elevator scene? Which, by the way, did NOT disappoint.

Yup, that just got the 20 or so people who didn’t want to click the video right now based solely on my recommendation to click the video. Or on the other hand, just make the 30% of you who are reading this at work decide NOT to click it…until you get home later. Hell of a tribute from the ladies of Panico.

Shout out to the homey H8torade for finding this one. Go ahead and hit him up to say thanks.

-Brock

Update Your Player Calendars: It’s Cuffing Season!

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The Player Calendar continues to get built out. We identified Players New Year a few years ago. For those who don’t know, you can check out that article HERE. Players New Year is also know as Valentines Day for most people. But for a player, that is the day when you have to choose a chick on your roster or let em all go.

Unless you are really pimpin.

If so, carry on.

But there is a new update to the players calendar. It’s known as “cuffing season”. Cuffing season begins now people so it is time to get yourself together. Really it may already be too late. When it gets cold outside it is time to get yourself a cuff. You ever tried to work these streets in the winter? It’s brutal. Chicks don’t want to come out in the rain and snow when it is cold. You can’t even get to these women. Does this woman look like she’s coming out of the house if she doesn’t have to?

Hells no. She’s not coming out and neither is any other woman. Let’s be honest it’s the off season. No reason to waste game time level effort playing pickup ball. So what you need to do is find a lady and lock her down. I’m not talking about a ball and chain, I’m talking about a voluntary handcuff to get you through the winter.

That way you can reserve your energy and come out in the spring full of energy and ready for the season. I’m a firm believer in cuffing season. Hell, I took a redshirt cuffing year in college just to work on my game.

Just make sure you don’t miss the cutoff date. I’m not saying it’s impossible out there, but you gotta think about wasted effort out there. Don’t run up hills if you don’t have to.

I know some members of  Team Us already have their cuffing game down. Are there any other player holidays out there? The first good warm day that brings all the ladies back out?

Now, while I like the image of cuffing season, I was never too crazy about the name. Until I realized “Cuff” spelled backwards is “Ffuc”. And that’s what cuffing season is really all about. I’m with it.

-Brock

It Would Actually Be More Surprising if Kanye DIDN’T Have a Sex Tape

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If you think about it, we’re actually in a celebrity sex tape drought. I don’t mind, because I never watch them. I find them offensive and disgusting, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least discuss it. There have been sex tapes in every era. It wasn’t long ago when sex tapes were actual tapes. You couldn’t be slick either, video cameras were BIG. If you wanted to record a sex tape with this thing, everyone was in on it.

These days, you could drop an iPhone in the corner and have a video on the internet in 5 minutes. Back in the day there was the Pamela Anderson sextape with Tommy Lee. Right when Pam Anderson was one of the hottest women in the world. There was the R. Kelly sex tape, which because it may or may not feature in underage girl somehow simultaneously does and does not exist. Then there was the “famous for your sex tape” era, lead by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Since then, virtually nothing. Sure, nude photos keep leaking out like clockwork, but have people finally learned to stop recording sex tapes?

No. Apparently not.

Kanye West is rumored to have a sex tape.

Kanye might be the one guy who will literally suffer no ill effects from the release of the sextape. He’s already a completely wild dude. It can’t hurt his career, he’s a rapper. It can’t hurt his relationship, what’s Kim gonna do, get mad at him for having a sex tape? I know how Kanye is going to react if she ever tries to check him on it.

The only thing that would make it better is if the sex tape gods gave us a second Kim Kardashian sex tape? There is no way that’s happening until Kim’s popularity begins to fade ever again. Next best thing though? Kanye has a “type” apparently this girl is a Kimmy K look alike.

It wouldn’t be Us Versus Them if we didn’t get to meet her.

Welcome to Kanye’s life people. This would be an excellent episode of “what’s wrong with this picture” if I actually believed anyone would look at anything but the woman in the picture. I have to admit, she does seem to resemble Kim in the most important ways.

I’m talking about her long hair and smoky eyes, you degenerates.

We’re gonna ignore the fact she’s taking bathroom pictures and appears to have a patch of carpet on top of her toilet, but I’m not mad at Kanye. He name is Mony Monn (I will give her mama the benefit of the doubt and assume her name is “Monica” on her birth certificate). And she is allegedly the woman in the tape. I say allegedly because people are STILL saying it is Kim and she’s trying to cover it up just to point the finger at a booty doppelganger. Like Kim just found a chick who looked like her and stashed her for just this kind of emergency. Hilarious.

 We’re gonna need one more pic for reference purposes.

Pro tip…If you meet a girl who is a professional at taking cell phone pics of her own ass, you’ve either found a girl so in touch with herself she’s identified her best assets, or a girl who is setting your ass up. There are literally dozens of pictures of her in this pose. I know you all, you’ll Google it.

I’m not expecting Kanye to release a regular sextape. He’s gotta release the flyest sextape ever. I don’t expect this to get leaked. ‘Ye is about to get the footage himself, lay some hot tracks over it, edit a few scenes to make it day-glow, and sell it direct online.

I expect nothing less from Kanye.

-Brock

Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

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I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

UvT News: Monday is a Mothafacka

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Update will be up later today. I’m sure I’ll talk about the Olympics. Until then, take a look at the “Kinds of Sex” post and check out the comments, they got good. Also, I don’t know why Bar Refaeli was at the Olympics or why she decided to wear this, but I thought I would share.

That’s a gold medal performance right there.

More later.

-Brock

Tom and Katie: The Scientology of Breaking Up

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I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible!  It seemed like a match made in heaven.

But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?

Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.

Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.

Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.

They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.

Tom Cheated.

Tom is an asshole.

Tom is not human.

Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.

Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.

Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.

Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.

Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.

I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

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