Oh Ray J. I’m still not exactly sure why you’re famous. That’s not to say you aren’t actually famous or that you don’t deserve it. You act, you make music, you have famous family members. All the stuff that make famous people famous…Unfortunately, you also have all of the shit that makes people who aren’t actually real famous, famous too. [Read more...]
Does Miss Delaware Have A Porno? We Can Crack The Case
Long time readers of the site know that we have a strict “no porn” policy. I’m not going to watch it myself, and you shouldn’t either, but that isn’t going to stop me from reviewing it. Let’s see what I can gather from the pictures.
That’s Melissa King, the former Miss Delaware.
Damn Homey! 50 Cent
It was going to happen one day. 50 Cent, the originator of Damn Homey was going to have a Damn Homey moment of his own.
Isn’t It Time We All Agreed That Valentine’s Day is the Worst Holiday Ever?
Us Versus Them has a long history of pulling the shroud of legitimacy off of all bullshit holidays. President’s Day is a scam. Columbus Day celebrates something that never even happened. Even Black people don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. The Fourth of July is great, but only when it falls on a Friday or a Monday. You get cheated out of your day off when it falls on a weekend, and you can’t properly get your barbecue and beer in on a Wednesday. One day of Independence in the middle of the week isn’t true independence.
If I had to rank my favorite holidays by category I’m gonna go with:
1. Christmas – Because you have to be a real dick not to love Christmas. Yes, I thought about Jewish people as I wrote that, but even the Jewish have to admit that it isn’t Christmas they hate, it’s the fact Christians start celebrating long about 5 days after Halloween. That’s a little like celebrating a potential touchdown by high-stepping at the 30 yard line. We shouldn’t do that. But we do it because CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME.
2. Thanksgiving – Pilgrims. Giving Thanks. Blah, blah, blah. Thanksgiving is a tribute to eating. We have a nationwide turkey sacrifice and celebrate our excess by eating until we can’t anymore and falling asleep. But you’re with family and it’s an almost automatic 4 day weekend. Presents give Christmas the edge, but only by a small margin.
3. Any holiday where you get a day off. I’m talking a real day off. Not the Post Office and the government days off. They’ll close for anything.
4. Holidays where we recognize those who actually did something for our country. MLK Day, Veterans Day, Memorial Day. All good with me. I’m not gonna lie. I have no idea when Veterans day is. But I do appreciate my freedom and their hard work.
5. Holidays where you don’t even get a day off or they are just random and odd. Groundhog Day, I’m looking at you.
Which brings us to the worst day of all. Valentine’s Day.
I know, I know, Valentine’s Day is about love. That’s the worst part of it. You do something in the name of love and all of a sudden we aren’t supposed to realize all the traditions around it are completely ridiculous? Think about it.
First of all, it is long established here at Us Versus Them that Valentine’s Day is Player’s New Year. The day the forces all dudes who are dating more than one woman to declare their main chick.
Or not. Depends on how you work it.
Dinner: Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year. Good luck going to a restaurant today. No one with a grown up job wants to leave work tomorrow to rush home, get dressed up, pick up their wife/girlfriend, go to a fancy dinner they had to lock down the reservation for back in January, drink…but not too much because you have to go to work tomorrow and then only maybe get laid, because she’s tired because it was a long day and she’s got work tomorrow too. Happy fuckin’ Not gettin Any Valentine’s Day.
Flowers: I’m actually down with the flowers. Flowers are good all the time. But the roses are kinda overkill. Valentine’s Day is the superbowl for florists. This is the day of the year when they roll out and get paid. While I appreciate that, it means they are getting over on me. I don’t like that.
Chocolate: The box of chocolates? Does anyone like that box of chocolates? Is anyone looking forward to getting a hold of the raspberry nougat filled dark chocolate one? Is it worth it to bite into 4 other chocolates before you find it? Don’t think about that. The answer is no. No one looks forward to raspberry nougat. If they did, they would sell raspberry nougat candy bars right next to the check out at the grocery store next to the Twix, the Kit Kats and all the other delicious candy. They wouldn’t sell it once a year inside of a heart-shaped box of chocolate roulette.
In fact, it’s actually hard to win on Valentine’s Day. But one wrong move and it is easy as hell to lose. Valentine’s Day just puts on a lot of extra pressure and makes you do a lot of extra stuff and it still won’t be a good as a really solid Saturday night date. You get the whole day to hang out, you can rage Saturday night and recover on Sunday. THAT’S a good night. We don’t need to wait for a random day in mid-February to do that.
Have a very Us Versus Them Valentine’s Day y’all.
-Brock
Best Math Teacher Ever? Introducing Carly Crunk Bear
I’d have to go back to my yearbooks to remember the teacher who taught me math when I was a kid. I just don’t hold on to that information in my head. (Sorry to all those teachers who were trying to make an impact…I turned out ok, but I don’t remember all the names) All I know is, I don’t ever remember having a hot teacher. That, and the fact that when you are a kid, everyone seems old makes me think all my teachers used to look like this.
She could have been 32 for all I know, when you’re 13, 32 seems like one of the oldest people on the planet. It’s all sensible turtlenecks and tinted glasses at that point. But I was in high school before Twitter, so when my teacher went home they were anonymous. I wasn’t going out to bars drinking, so I wasn’t going to catch her on a Saturday night getting sloshed up and trying to hook up with some dude with her weekend gear and some knee high boots on.
But God Bless the Internet.
Because now, kids with Google and a little since can track down their teachers and find out their Twitter handle is “Carly Crunk Bear”.(I’m pretty sure my teachers didn’t get crunk, but maybe I’m the naive one). I can definitely tell you I’ve never seen a picture of one of my teachers doing this.
Look, I’m sure some of my teachers were smoking them tweeds, but I don’t have a pic. That is the least fun of the pictures by the way because I’m also pretty sure none of my teachers have a tattoo like this:
At least I hope they didn’t.
She calls it her “framp stamp” because it is a tramp stamp in the front. THIS WOMAN IS AN INNOVATOR PEOPLE. Carly Crunk Bear was living her life. I’m not sure if she was sending these pics to anyone in particular (Which on the scale of bad ideas is still a pretty bad idea) but it appears she was just having an open conversation with the Twitter universe. (which on the scale of bad ideas is about as bad as it gets) Especially if this is the way you like to say goodnight to the entire internet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure those pics got her plenty of Twitter followers, but unless you are an aspiring model, there aren’t many reasons to just spray multi-colored pics of your tail piece out on the internets. Unfortunately, one of those reason is being hungry for attention, which may be the case here.
Long time readers know where I fall on this one. I don’t believe a politician who has an affair has to quit automatically because I don’t think sex has anything to do with their job. A politician caught stealing? See ya. Caught with two hands full of booty cheek? If you’re married, you probably aren’t a good person, but you might be able to negotiate the hell out of some legislation. I say carry on. Carly might be a damn good math teacher, and she looks like she’s probably somewhere between 24-26 years old and has a pretty rockin body. She’s pretty proud of it at the very least, and this is what people do on the internet these days. Does that mean she needs to lose her job over it. I don’t think so. Touch a kid? Peace out? Is it good discretion? Not at all. Should you be more responsible? Absolutely. Is it on the list of “you do it once and you are immediately terminated”? I don’t think it should be.
This is the problem with society today. Some things are bad, but are made worse because everyone knows about them. I remember times when a teacher would be out and we’d have a substitute for a whole week. We used to have a legally blind substitute who was not a good teacher and couldn’t see one of us leave the room if we wanted to. THAT WAS NOT A GOOD SITUATION. When that is the substitute, you best believe if Mr. Colton caught got into a bar fight on Friday, stayed in the drunk tank until Monday, caught a two day suspension to get his shit together and came back on Thursday, that was between him, the Principle and the teachers lounge. No one else was ever going to know. You think Rihanna wanted to break up with Chris Brown? Hell no she didn’t. Clearly. She’s back with him right now. But she had to because everyone in the world knew and told her it is what she had to do. Everyone in the world told her how she needed to feel and that Chris could never change. It sparked a national conversation about abuse and she had to be the one person, at age 23, that was strong enough to walk away when tens of thousands of woman couldn’t walk away from that situation for decades. Should she walk? Probably, but because it was a public conversation she had to.
Carly Crunk Bear gets caught shaking it up on Twitter, now she gets fired because they have to. I just don’t think it is right.
You know what else I don’t think is right? I think Carly actually is a little misguided. Sometimes I think she takes it too far. She might be a damn good math teacher and #TeamUs will defend her from that…
But she is a horrible aspiring stripper and there is no reason for this picture to exist on the internet. Come on Carly! This pic brings up so many questions. Why couldn’t you achieve a more comfortable handstand? Did you think this picture was sexy? Who took this picture? Was this some elaborate self photo? Why do you have the comforter from your grandma’s bed? OH MY GOD ARE YOU ON YOUR GRANDMA’S BED?
Carly, even I can’t defend this. Girl, stay strong, stay crunk, #FreeCrunkBear, and I believe that children are the future, they just don’t need to see their math teacher twurkin. It’s one way to make them pay attention in Math class though.
-Brock
Latrell Sprewell Prefers Dos Beckys
While two Latrell Sprewell posts in one week probably isn’t the best idea ever. Ian in the comments reminded me that this pic really needed the Dos Beckys treatment.
Still gets bonus points for the Coogi sweater.
-Brock
Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James
It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:
On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys 
Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck
Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.
I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.
http://youtu.be/3wmkVco4_IE
She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.
But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.
In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.
-Brock