The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

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General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.

-Brock

Condoms in Porn? That’s That S#!T We Don’t Like

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In addition to voting for the President last week, there were a bunch of other state laws on the ballots. Colorado passes a law that allows recreational weed, and California passed a law that mandates condoms in all porn filmed in the state.

Because that’s just everyone is looking for in their porn, a reminder to be responsible and practice safe sex. Because, let’s be honest, that’s what porn is all about.

Who was asking for this? I’m sure people can’t just outlaw porn outright, so they came at it from the side (a very porn-like technique if you ask me). I’m sure they think by adding condoms to porn they will ruin the industry. Drive the business out of California. The worst part of the bill was it was all about keeping performers safe, and reducing the spread of disease. Look, I’m all for that, who isn’t? Here’s my thing, porn stars have made choices in life. It isn’t exactly a profession you get forced into. They get tested, they decide what their limits are, and they go for it. They get well compensated for it. Who are they protecting? The porn stars? Are they trying to seve them from themselves? Is this like save the whales? The poor defenseless porn stars who can’t make decisions for themselves.

Are you going to put boxers in giant rock em sock em gloves next? I don’t need my porn to be safe, I think porn stars are safe enough, you want to know how safe porn needs to be? This safe:

This is ridiculous. Where do they draw the line. If I’m making some home videos, do I need to pull a permit? Or is there a carve out for amateur work? When do I go pro? Lighting? Do you need a porn name? I feel like I’m on the edge already. Brock Hardon is about as porn name as you can get. Do I need a few videos to leak and get known for my work before I fall under the regulations? It’s ridiculous.

There are a lot of loopholes here. They say condoms must be worn but there isn’t a lot of detail after that. They never say where you have to wear them. That means this should be good to go.

It isn’t the best look in the world, but no one is looking at the dude in porn anyway. Or have the chick throw a condom over her left hand and go at it like normal.

Speaking of wearing condoms on hands, why are they worried about porn stars banging one another, people who chose to have sex as a job, people who know what their signing up for, people who know exactly what to expect…but there aren’t any laws mandating the people in kitchens wear gloves when they are preparing my food? I mean, I just want a sandwich and I don’t know where their hands have been. It’s one thing if I’m signing up for something exotic, but I’m not looking to take any risk when I order a number 2. Protect me dammit.

This damn law creates more questions than it answers for me.

-Brock

Which Mya is the Real Mya? You Be the Judge

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Now I haven’t talked about Mya much in a long time, but I came across two pictures that demand attention. I found two pictures or her and one of them has to be fake. I’m just not sure which one.

Here’s the first pic.

Mya lookin good in that one. I’m calling bullshit on this one. I’m pretty sure there is no there in the natural world where shadows go in three different directions. I will say that is late 90′s throwback Mya though. Then there is another picture, same outfit, same wall, same shoes. But something is different. I can’t quite place it. Maybe you can help.

Call me crazy, I think this one might be photoshopped too. If you’re going to blow up the thighs, can we round out the calves too? I like ass as much as the next man, but you need to build up the proper support system. You know I’m going to need some breakdowns in the comments to see which one you vote for.

While that is going on, I had to do some supplemental research to see what’s going on.

Why is anyone even messing with Mya? She looks like she’s doing just fine without the digital manipulation. Bonus for the people who voted for pic #2, she seems to be closer to the thick pic than the slim one. Can we all agree to shut down the photoshop? It’s one thing to know they are always cutting things down, but when we are getting inflation and deflation it might break the tail-arse continuum. We can’t have that.

-Brock

The Interracial Future of America

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With the Presidential Debates last night, we all got to think about what is really important to us. For me it is about seeing everyone for their unique perspective. Recognizing what they bring to the table. We all have so much to learn from each other. I personally think the blending and mixing of all the people of America is important. I’ve seen the future and I want to share it with you. Show you how beautiful it can me when black people and white people can come together, no matter the color of their skin.

Even if the color of their skin changes at the neckline. If you got to the local CVS and all they had left was the “cocoa” bottle of self tanner, and you commit to the arms and chest of a black man, you’ve got to go all the way. In this case it would have probably come off like black face, but after seeing the “white face” version of it, I’m personally willing to give him a pass. What can Brown Do For You Indeed.

Feel free to scroll up and down and play “body of a black man”, “head of a white man”. It will provide minutes of entertainment.

-Brock

The Hulk Hogan Sextape Might Be The Worst…Sextape…Ever

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Now,  I normally like to talk people out of watching sex tapes. They are disgusting, they’re never good, they are bad for society, and never as sexy as you think it will be. But the Hulk Hogan sex tape pretty much talks you out of watching it on its own. Here are the only two facts you need about the Hulk Hogan sextape.

1. Hulk Hogan is 59 years old.

2. Hulk Hogan looks like this:

Are you really going to plug “Hulk Hogan Sextape” into Google now. The line has to be drawn somewhere. There are some things you don’t need to see simply because they exist. Why do you need to see a Hulk Hogan sextape. It can’t be because you want to see the Hulkster naked. The guys has been famous for wearing high boots, knee pads and yellow underwear.

Sure, you can watch two men greased up in underwear and boots every Monday, but two pics of Hulk Hogan in one post while talking about a sextape and it’s starting to get really gay in here isn’t it?

Why did the Hulkster wait this long to rock the sex tape? I mean dude was on top for a solid 20 years through the 80′s and 90′s. You know he was out there making little Hulkamaniacs all over the country. He should have got the sex tape done when he could still actually feel his knees.

Okay, if you have to watch the sextape, go ahead. There is one good reason to watch the tape. The woman in the tape, Heather Clem.

At least the Hulkster is still pulling down top shelf quality. While Hogan was surprised by the tape, I love the fact that he was NOT surprised by the fact that he could randomly bang out a bad chick upon walking into a random bedroom at his friends house.

That’s all I need to know that Hulk has been getting with the ladies since the eighties. I feel like I’m closer to one of my childhood heroes. Vitamins, Prayers, Training, Steroids and Tail.

Team Us.

-Brock

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The comments are too good to risk people missing them, check it:

Slick Jefferson: I can’t bring myself to watch that tape.  I can’t ever think about The Hulkster and the 24-inch, err, pythons doing anything else.

Mr. Jezus: Someone tell me he at least did the Hulk Shirt rip before he laid it down?

Ian Summers: I just want to know from someone who watched the video, how many times did he refer to her as “brother!”?

Brock (yeah, I’m quoting myself in the third person):  I hear when he pulled his dack out he looked at ol girl and said “WHAT ‘CHA GONNA DOOOO?”

 

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

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I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Dear Ladies: You May Win A Few Battles, But I Have Evidence Men Have Already Won The War

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When I was about to write this post about women who think it is a good idea to take stripper….errrrrrr….pole dancing classes, I thought to myself…”I can’t believe I haven’t already done this post”. Then I looked through the archives and saw that I have already done this post and it is hilarious. You should go back and read it NOW.

The pole dancing classes have not stopped though, so apparently:

1. I think too much of my own ability to change the world.

2. I can actually change the world, but some people aren’t referring to their standard issue “Team Us” handbooks on a daily basis.

3. Bitches be trippin.

4. I need to further clarify my position on this topic because I was rolling through the rough and rugged streets of LA (yes those are palm trees in the background) and saw this:

Ladies in  the greater Los Angeles area, feel free to call that number. You can tell these are creative and innovative people because the second “d” is goddess is a woman hanging upside down from one leg grabbing her 5 inch platform heel to make her body arch into the shape of the letter d. Both creative and inspiring. Because nothing says fitness and cardio health like hanging upside down from one leg.

Let’s cover the easy stuff first, let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that climbing and hanging from a pole and developing the ability to slide down said pole at varying speeds and in various positions has some sort of physiological value. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt on that, why does your “sport” require four inch tall glass heels? Why can’t women go to your gym in the stuff they wear in every other gym? Where are the tights, Nike Free’s, and sports bras? If you aren’t a stripper or training to be one, why is stripper gear required?

No one has ever put on that outfit and thought to themselves, “Time for my workout”. The only two options are “time to go take these clothes right back off for money”, or, “time to go shake everything I’ve got for this music video.” It’s also the outfit that gets handed out at the top of the slippery slope that ends in prostitution.

These classes are being sold to women as something that will teach you how to “keep your man happy”, or “get a man” or “keep your man”. It’s being sold as something that will help you get married.

Ladies if you don’t see that as a sign of the female apocalypse, you should. Do you really believe your man will not leave you because you know how to pole dance? Do you think the ability to hang upside down by one knee is a trait we are looking for in a wife? If somehow society has convinced women that acting like a stripper is the way to our heart…men have already won.

Don’t get me wrong, you will attract men like a moth to a flame. But there is no way I’m ever marrying a woman with a stripper pole installed in her bedroom. 0% chance. On the other hand, the chances I will tell all my friends I hooked up with a chick with a functional stripper pole in her bedroom? 100% Every time. Multiple times. I’m putting it on a t-shirt.

That’s how we think about it, so don’t get tricked. This also goes for women going to “booty pop” classes to learn how to make your ass clap. That’s something we want to rent, not buy. Also, if you actually make your money in strip clubs, please carry on. I appreciate you going to classes to get better at your chosen profession. Your hard work really shows up in the field.

Don’t say I’ve never tried to help anyone.

-Brock

I Don’t Know How This Happened…But I’m Not Gonna Fix It

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So I was rolling through my iPod, feeling like I wanted to rock some classics and this happened.

I’m pretty sure that isn’t the original artwork for the Usher, My Way album, but five brothers with afros holding Christmas presents is pretty great. Those were the good ol days, huh?

-Brock

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