Step yo game up!

Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of ~~the rest of the season~~ the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.

-Brock

How UvT Works: Last Night’s NBA Game

Brock Hardon 4 Comments

I was writing that Rodney King post last night as I was checking the Clippers vs. Grizzlies game while watching Game of Thrones. What can I say, I’m a multi-tasker. So the Clips were down by 30 with a quarter to go and the commentators went to “What else can we possibly talk about, because we’re pretty sure no one is watching this” mode. The ass whoopin was so bad, I even pulled this pic for Man Up Monday: Part II.

It is Clippers vs. the Grizz so no one really cares, but that comeback was spectacular. When they cut it down to 15 with 6 minutes left, I was wondering why the commentators were still going with the “there is something the Clippers can learn from this” routine. Seemed like plenty of time left to me. Sure enough the Clippers came all the way back and stole the game from the Grizzlies. I was about to post last night, but realized people still don’t care about the Clippers vs. the Grizzlies. Plus, I had the wrong picture. I did see the dude I would have pulled if I wanted to write the post though, I just didn’t have the heart to stand up and snap a pic. So I bailed out on the whole thing.

But this dude is so horrible I had to bring him back. So I don’t want to Man Up the Memphis Grizzlies, I specifically want to Man Up this dude.

This guy was sitting in the arena a full ten minutes after the game ended. His headband says “Believe Memphis”. He really looks like he doesn’t know how life will go on. He should be wondering why he thought it was a good idea to rock that yellow headband when he left his house for a game. Seriously? I know it sucks but your team is Memphis and it is the first game of the first round of the NBA playoffs. You aren’t winning shit. When Duke lost in the first round this year I didn’t like it, but we weren’t gonna be holding up the trophy this year so I let it go. Unless he put 10G’s on the game down at the riverboats before the game, or he is the little brother of Bryant “Big Country” Reeves (which looks like it could be the case), he needs to let it go.

New York Knicks guy thinks he needs a better attitude.

Ha. Man Up!

-Brock

Come on Bruh! Kanye West Has a Hip Slip

Brock Hardon 6 Comments

Now I personally prefer a nip slip, but this is too wild to pass up. Now I haven’t talked about the Kanye West and Kim Kardashian relationship yet, and the relationship already seems pretty ridiculous. We all know Kanye likes bad chicks though, so for him…why not? Kanye was getting out of a car with Kim the other day and this happened:

First of all, no grown man should have his pants riding so low it is possible for the thigh to come out, especially if he’s rocking a velvet blazer. Second, anytime your draws situation allows for the display of that much thigh…you need to reevaluate your draws situation. Even Kanye thinks this situation is a little funny.

Maybe not.

Come on Bruh!

-Brock

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are Going To Look CRAZY Next Year

Brock Hardon 2 Comments

When Nike took over the NFL uniforms a few weeks ago, I was actually unreasonably excited. I was never a Reebok guy, so in some weird way I didn’t like rocking my hometown Falcons hat with the Reebok logo on the side. I probably shoudn’t care because a hat and a t-shirt are about as far as I’m gonna go. Grown men in athletic uniforms never felt right to me and I definitely can’t rock that look. So I probably shouldn’t be too invested. But then the unis came out and everything looked pretty much the same.

Of course Nike peppered it up with their proprietary tech. Dri-fit here, flywire there. But everything in that picture looks like the standard NFL uni. With Nike’s Oregon Ducks uniforms and those crazy versions they throw on Michigan State, Ohio State and Boise State on big game days, you know Nike has some tricks in their pocket. These unis could have come out looking like this.

That would be the Bills, The Patriots, The Who Fucking knows what that McDonalds looking monstrosity is supposed to be, the Steelers and the Dolphins. Even when thinking about it, I was pretty sure the NFL wouldn’t really let things get out of hand. They like it pretty traditional. Plus, if they go this way, they should also implement my NBA 3.0 achievement badge concept.

Apparently, I was wrong. In the articles launching the new uniforms, there was a throw away line mentioning that Nike couldn’t overhaul the uniform designs for another few years, so they would probably play around and have some fun with the throwback unis. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw this.

I’m not sure you can win a game when you are so embarrassed about your uniform you feel the need to hide in the bathroom when you have it on. Also, there is never a reason for an outfit to have two different shades of yellow. UvT rule number 72, on fashion states, in part: If you are going to something fashionably adventurous, you are allowed to pick ONE THING, keep everything else simple. If you wear ANYTHING yellow, that is already your one thing. Doubling up on your yellow with striped socks is going for the triple dandy. Dude looks like an inmate in the most FABULOUS jail ever. Where did Nike get their inspiration on this one? One of the designers listening to Blind Melon on a brutal work night?

Luckily, I did find one dude who was hype about the new unis and already had his game outfit ready.

The steelers might as well strap on the wings and the stinger on this one, they are going to look crazy when they step on the field. I’m a little scared to see what Nike is going to do with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers creamsicle throwbacks. That could be a complete debacle. Hopefully they rock that look for the Falcons game. We could use the win.

-Brock

RIP: The Bluetooth Headset 2001-2012

Brock Hardon 6 Comments

This has been a long time coming. There was a long time when I thought the Bluetooth headset was going to make it through, but I think it’s time that we all agree the Bluetooth Headset is never going to get any better than it is right now. They’ve been working on it for more than a decade and it hasn’t really improved. Because of that, no one should ever use a Bluetooth headset again.

Look I gave them a full 10 years, but Bluetooth headset manufacturers apparently have no idea how to create a bluetooth headset that does not make you look like an asshole. News flash to people who wear Bluetooth headsets…you look like an asshole. You are a loser for thinking you need to keep a giant, blue flashing appendage attached to your head ALL DAY for the three phone calls you are going to get. You aren’t that important, and answering the phone with your hands isn’t that difficult. Plus, it still looks like you are talking to yourself. No one ever got used to that.

You want to know the true measure of determining whether a piece of technology sucks? If the previous version of the technology is actually better than the upgrade. You want to know what looks, and sounds better than a bluetooth headset?

A regular headset.

People you are talking to can hear you. People around you know you’re on the phone. You don’t look like an alert beacon with a blue light blinking on the side of your head. If you wear a regular headset all the time, you just look like you are listening to music. Invented a long ass time ago and still better than the “updated” version.

So Bluetooth people, it is time to give it all up. I don’t care if it is available in fashionable colors, it still doesn’t look good.

You know what? Here’s another test. If your technology looks like the idea of technology that people in the 60′s thought the future would be like…You need new technology.

Exhibit A:

Star Trek 1966…Uhura was up on the Bluetooth. No one has figured out how to make it any better than some set designer 50 years ago. Time to give it up.

Don’t think I’m just going off on the Bluetooth headset. Sometimes technology starts off a little turrible and gets better. Early cell phones really made people look like assholes.

But things have progressed and gotten better since then. I’ll let a technology catch up with the times, I’m a fair man, but Bluetooth just isn’t keeping up.

So yeah, we’re declaring the Bluetooth headset dead. If you rock one I’ll give you 60 days to find a better solution. It probably came with your phone for free. So…you’re welcome.

By the way, super low profile toe workout sneakers…

You are on the clock. You better improve the way you look or you will be retired by mid-2014.

-Brock

Deion Sanders Catches the Sexiest Asswhoopin Ever

Brock Hardon 6 Comments

Deion Sanders couldn’t have predicted it better in 1994, “Must Be the Money”.

Because his ex-wife Pilar has finally lost it. To be fair the situation is completely nuts. So Deion and Pilar decided to get divorced, but part of the divorce means that they both must “occupy” the house, otherwise the other person gets the big ass mansion in the settlement.

That’s right, Deion Sanders is in a rich, luxurious version of Survivor. Outwit, outlast, outplay and you get a 20,000 square foot mansion. That’s actually better than a million dollars. But things aren’t so sweet in the Prime Time home because Pilar apparently started swinging on Deion yesterday and ended up in jail.

But she took the sexiest damn mugshot ever.

Hell yeah. 5’9″, 130 and sexy at 38. Only $264 to save her from the clutches of The Man? Sign me up. Now is the part of the post when we all realize this is just an excuse for me to post pics of Pilar Sanders. Like this.

If she showed up like this trying to fight me, I might let her win. Or this.

Yeah, she’s got it all. So why was Deion so intimidated? Pilar brought backup.

That’s her cousin Dee. I guess she came in swinging too. Yeah, you might have to call the police on that one. Hilarious that Pilar literally brought Baby Dee with her like Next Friday. In fact, I’ve got footage of how Deion felt right after the attack. I think this pretty much sums up the situation.

You don’t know Baby Dee!

-Brock

That Sht Cray! Ball so Hard Mufukas Gonna Elect Me…

Brock Hardon 7 Comments

I’m going to start with the end of the story. This dude might be the hardest, coolest dude in the world.

His name is François Hollande. He is running for President of France and is currently leading the polls. He’s about to beat Sarkozy for the win. That’s actually not why he might be the wildest politician in the world. He is doing something no one else in the world is willing to do. And he is WINNING by doing it. Check out his campaign video. Turn down your speakers, it’s a 1 on the UvT NSFW scale for language. That should give you the hint that shit is about to go down.

http://youtu.be/rT5z_OMaQhg

That’s right, Hollande is rocking Niggas in Paris as his music for his official campaign video to become PRESIDENT OF FRANCE. And he’s winning. I’m not talking about a high school election. I’m not talking about a dude boxing on Saturday and trying to get some hot ring entrance music. I’m talking about a Presidential election in France. Can you imagine Mitt Romney rolling out to Hit Em Up? No you can’t because it is nuts.

Apparently Hollande doesn’t give a damn.

That face pretty much confirms it. My favorite part has to be at the 2:13 mark where the lyric is “bust fist they gotta find me, what’s 50 grand to a mothafucka like me can you please remind me?” as he steps into a car to drive away and is clearly riding in the back of a limo through the French countryside. Unfortunately my least favorite part happens a mere 5 seconds later as he is surrounded by Black people when Kanye says “got my nickas in Paris” and even worse when you get a quick flash of Black people when he says “and they goin Gorillas”. AHNT.

I know, I know, Paris doesn’t have the painful racial history as we do here in America. I know.

Well played Hollande, I’m just glad to know something like this could work in France. I guess Sarkozy is going to be sent home a loser. Wait, Sarkozy will never be a loser because his wife is Carla Bruni.