Mark Zuckerberg Got Married One Day After the Facebook IPO…What’s Half of 18 Billion?

Facebook went public last week and raised billions of dollars. Mark Zuckerberg is the founder of Facebook (although half the time I think of him, I can’t remember if this dude is the real guy or not.) So Mark has one of the biggest days in his company history and the next day he gets married. Looks super happy about it too.

That is actually what Mark Zuckerberg looks like when he is ecstatic. I get it. Most guys get nervous when they get married. I’ve broken down the reasons why in Us+Them Part I and Part II. Buy Mark up there has all of that, but also has $18 Billion on the line. That’s why the look on his face says ” I think this is a good idea”. Why the day after the IPO? He didn’t want to earn that last $10 billion on her watch? Or was he worried she would show up like, “You were only worth $8 billion when we got married. I put in on this.” I’m not sure I understand the strategy. Maybe he knew he would be at his peak on the day after the IPO. That way, if his net worth drops to $14 Billion he can say she owes him back half of what he lost.

Also not really down with his level of effort on that suit either.

Suit not tux. Come on Zuck. Step yo game up. Did you just want to look like one of the Men In Black? With all the loot you have, you would pay Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones to make a custom version of Men In Black 4 starring you.

They would do it too.

You want to know what I can’t actually figure out. It really isn’t about Mark Zuckerberg, it is about his new wife.  She looks about as neutral about the whole thing as he does. I know, I know marriage is about love, but when you marry one of the top 40 richest dudes in the world you might as well have just won the Cy Young, the World Series and the Super Bowl all the the same year. That’s right, that shit would’ve been tough for Deion Sanders, if he was a pitcher in addition to being a cornerback and a speedy center fielder. You’ve got to beat the odds and be the best in the world all at the same time. Chick just hit a lottery bigger than all previous lotteries combined. You don’t have to stand in line for a lottery ticket and a chance at $300 Million, when you can corner  a superstar on the rise. Doesn’t she realize she can get some real life Scrooge McDuck on now?

If I had loot like that, I’d have to try swimming through money at least once. If that is a serious possibility in your life, you owe it to the world to at least break out the high-wattage smile. That girl better have made up for it when they got back to the honeymoon suite.

-Brock

Only In LA: Where Confidence Trumps Common Sense

I was rolling through LA when I saw this on the back of a bus.

This dude Juan Dominguez really wanted to shut the city down. He’s got all the buzz words. Accidentes. Compensacion. Millones. Does the dude in the middle picture really think we buy the fact he cleared $14 Millones? The only way that dude with that sketchy ass mustache is gonna help you pull down $14 Million is he gets scripted into a telanovelas. Is this a $14 Million smile?

I’ll answer that question for you before you even have to think about it, no he doesn’t. Gotta appreciate the confidence though…I guess. It’s the most ridiculous ad I’ve ever seen. Step yo game up Juan!

Midweek Man Up: LeBron James

It’s Friday, but I can’t let this wait until Monday. LeBron James and the Heat got BEAT THE HELL DOWN by the Indiana Pacers. Yeah, the Pacers. In Indiana. Who haven’t been good since…they’ve never actually been that good. Sure Reggie Miller won em a bunch of games, but I’m pretty sure it was negotiated during the lockout that the Pacers suck. It is right there in the CBA. I guess they didn’t get the memo, because they are manhandling the Miami Heat right now.

That’s the other thing. LeBron is the MVP. Wade is the closer. And according to my archives and the internet, Chris Bosh is soft. Yet, the Miami Heat are completely falling apart without Bosh. Everyone was calling Chris Bosh the third wheel. He was the disposable part. He’s ridiculous, he thinks this is a sign of aggression.

That’s a sign of something…you know what, I immediately regret putting up that picture. It’s kinda freaking me out. It’s weird. But I guess that weirdness works because the Heat look helpless without him.

To add insult to injury, the Pacers are doing it in full corny midwestern style, complete with fully outdated slogan.

Gold Swagger? Really? They handed out t-shirts that say “gold swagger” to 18,000 white people tonight? Do you know how long it is going to take before those rotate out of circulation? The Miami Heat are favorites to make it to the finals, they can’t get beat by a team who has “gold swagger” as their slogan. That would never be removed from LeBron’s legacy.

LeBron, Man Up and win this damn thing yourself. If you lose to the Celtics, Lakers, Thunder, or Spurs you can get away with blaming it on being a man down. But not the Pacers. You should be able to beat them by yourself.

Man Up. Don’t make me have to talk to you again on Monday.

-Brock

 

The YOLO Movement has Gone Too Far…

I have to say, while I love Drake’s “The Motto” as much as the next dude, but the whole Yolo thing has gotten out of hand. First of all, I’m not sure you only live once. I think I was a pimperish samurai in my last life, you can’t tell me any different. Second of all, people are saying Yolo like it is a license to get completely out of hand. But I’m pretty sure by the end of this post, I will have officially retired yolo.

The real question is…how do I accomplish this? I could change the initials to something that doesn’t sound nearly as cool.

Plus, if Rick Ross’s belly was the official symbol for Yolo people would start shutting it down.

I could always threaten people to make them stop using it.

But that doesn’t really seem to work. That would take way too much of my time. That is a lot of individual threatening. Really, the best way to get it done is to let people find their own way. Convince them that it just might not be cool to run around saying yolo anymore. That it might not be cool to get yolo tattoos. That yolo might not be the best life philosophy to follow. I’m pretty sure yolo might not be cool anymore when someone coordinates this:

Yeah. When 10 white girls break out the yolo on the beach, the trend has ended. The only thing worse than this is your grandma coming up to you to offer you life advice and telling you yolo at graduation. So let yolo go people, it’s over. I’m sure DJ Khalid will drop something from all of you to tweet and scream from your cars this summer. Just be patient.

But, while we’re here we might as well drop that picture into UvT Vision for old times sake.

Yeah, that felt good. Feel free to binary scale this picture on your own in the comments.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Rich Dudes Who Still Need to Do This…

Every once in a while someone comes up with the perfect business plan. For example, whoever comes up with a way to change the process of moving so it isn’t the shittiest experience in life deserves to get rich. Right now the only way to get a sleeper sofa to the third floor is to lift that bastard and climb.

Pretty people kinda have it all. They get the benefit of the doubt. People go out of their way to help them. I’ve literally seen cute chicks get on the airplane with a big ass carry on and pantomime the process of actually lifting her bag into the overhead bin. She had no intention of lifting it, she was just going to use the power of cute to enchant the men around her to do her bidding. It worked. Immediately. I know my theory is right, because when you see the power of pretty being underused. Like have you ever seen a really cute chick working at McDonald’s and thought to yourself, “what the hell ar you doing here? Don’t you know someone will hire you to do something better than this?” Or, have you ever seen a hot homeless person?

No, breakdown Britney doesn’t count. Before you think too hard, I’ll answer that for you. No, no you haven’t. Because someone will rescue hot from the streets.

So check out this business plan. MissTravel.com has built an entire business around “beautiful people become prostitutes travel free”.

The website is just being straight up about people using their beauty as currency. Why stand in a club in Vegas waiting for some old, rich, white dude to offer to fly you to Bora Bora? You can just logon and allow them to fly you out with no actual footwork! The website literally filters these women out like a craigslist ad. Like a lineup at the Bunny Ranch. Sure, you get to travel anywhere in the world, but is it worth making that pussy payment when you get there?

I’m not even mad at it for leveraging sex as a form of payment, because that is exactly what this is. I will say this, the website is super shady about their ability to keep you safe. Here are the highlights:

  • Do not go anywhere with a stranger, especially if the person who meet you is not the one you are expecting.
  • Give your family or friends a copy of the passport and phone number of the person you are traveling with or visiting.
  • We do not perform background check on our members, so please proceed with extreme caution.

Doesn’t that sound great? Maybe no one reads the fine print on these things when a free plane ticket is involved, but damn they’re basically telling you that you might disappear.

So rich dudes sign up on this website and choose a beautiful woman to travel with them. But you have to know if a dude flies you halfway around the world, you aren’t getting a separate hotel room and you might have to pay for that ticket somehow.

Does that look like the appropriate price of a trip to Costa Rica? Or is that more of a New Zealand price tag? Look, I know rich dudes still need game. I know when you are a rich dude you really don’t have time to line up some international pimpin every time you go somewhere. But damn. Even President Obama’s secret service advance team knows how to scoop up some local talent and get em back to the hotel.

So rich dudes, come on, you already have an edge on the UvT Real Scale of 1-10. You have to do about 20% of the work the rest of us have to do and you are already willing to throw cash at a random chick to take her on vacation. That will actually work in real life too. Get out into the field and put in some time to get what you want.

Rich dudes, Man Up! You’re better than this.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Horrible Hair of the Mayweather-Cotto Fight

I thought I knew what to expect in the Mayweather-Cotto fight Saturday. I was only mostly right, and that is strange for me. Sure, Floyd Mayweather is still faster than everyone else in boxing, he still can’t be hit when he hides behind that shoulder, and Mayweather is now an undefeated 43-0. I’ll tell you what my first surprise was…Justin Bieber on the walkout squad holding two of Floyd’s belts.

It was like Bieber knew he was supposed to look hard, but he didn’t quite know how to pull it off. No one has looked that uncomfortable since Aziz Ansari in the Jay-Z and Kanye “Otis” video. I don’t know why Bieber elected to do with the windswept look either.

I think that hair is what was considered tough in the 60’s, but he looks about as soft as it comes now. Dudes just aren’t allowed to spend that much time working on or thinking about their hair. Looking at you Pauly D.

The second surprise of the night was the referee Tony Weeks. I was trying to watch the fight, but the refs high top fade with the extra wide part cut into the side was killing me all night.

How am I supposed to enjoy the fight when there is a time traveller working the ring? What the hell is this guy thinking? What does he ask for when he walks into the barber? “Let me get a flattop, but higher in the back than it is in the front, no fade on the side, just a one guard all around…except the temples, just shave that off.” Actually, that probably isn’t right. He walks in and sits down, and his barber says “Same Way?” and he just says “Yes”. The problem is, he’s been saying “Yes” for 20 years. He needs to change it up. I guess he was getting the ladies in 1992 and decided to stick with what was working. Look, I’m happy for any old dude who is still rocking a full head of hair, but that cut is completely unacceptable. ‘Don’t be Cruel’ Bobby Brown thinks he needs to let it go. MC Serch thinks that part on the side are a little too much.

The third offense of the night was Larry Merchant. I guess since he acted like a crazy old man the last time he interviewed Floyd, he decided he would look like a crazy old man this time.

Larry Merchant needs to borrow some of Justin Bieber’s hair gel. He looks like he’s falling apart.

Speaking of falling apart, I think Emanuel Steward took home the turrible award of the night.

Damn, just damn Emanuel. If you are going to go with the hair dye, you need to work it in all the way around. You might want to work in a shape up every now and again too. Side note, Emanuel thinks he’s looking straight into the camera right now. Boxing is a hell of a drug.

So fellas Man Up! You all look ridiculous.

To make it up to my readers, I’ve got to give them the one GREAT thing about last night. Floyd Mayweather’s fiance, Miss Jackson, was killin em. Give yourself a round of applause.

She had that Jessica Rabbit flow working. You need to full body shot on that one.

Floyd Mayweather ain’t no dummy. He knew he was going to be winning when he got home even in the unlikely event he lost. She’s thick without being video chick thick (aka TOO MUCH). Bad without looking like she’s some kind of professional athlete chaser. Floyd is winning inside and outside of the ring on this one.

-Brock

 

Kate Upton’s Boobs Defy Gravity!

I got this video link sent to be about a billion times over the last two days. I think a few people hit me on Twitter, email, Facebook, all that. We all know Kate Upton from her Dougie video. But now she’s doing another dance, I haven’t exactly seen this version before…but you know what I like it. Kate Upton, damn near naked, rocking the Cat Daddy.

I have to say my favorite part of the video is she really warms it up slow until the beat drops. Also, the chick goes hard as hell for these dances. I also don’t know where she got this level of confidence, but I think her J’s should have busted free from that top about four or five times during that video. She is committed to rocking these joints as hard as she can. That’s why you have to love cute girls, she’s not the worlds greatest dancer, but she is getting all the bonus points she can. Bonus, she was in Terry Richardson’s studio, so we get a few extra flicks out of the deal. There may be other sites that just hit you with the video, but you know here at Us Versus Them we go the extra mile. You can get more pics at Terry’s blog.

We have Kate with her Jay-Z, New York swag.

The her trademark “disappearing bikini bottom” shot.

I think Kate is actually lucky she doesn’t have hips or ass, or she wouldn’t be able to wear that bikini.

Also, and I think I’ve mentioned this before, and I’m not a dude who is into J’s, but damn.

Just damn. I look at it this way. I am the worlds leading purveyor of assology and she looks like she is wearing Coco T on her chest. So I see how I might get sucked into appreciating her appeal.

-Brock

 

Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of the rest of the season the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.

-Brock