Man Up Monday: Dog People

I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!


Man Up: NFL Edition

I’m a big supporter of NFL Football. But with the exception of my Atlanta Falcons sitting at 3-0, this season is a complete mess. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Replacement Refs:

You know what’s the worst part about this picture? The outcome of the game? No. Knowing RIGHT NOW that we will DEFINITELY be talking about this in January as the playoff schedule gets put together? Horrible, but not the worst thing. The fact that this isn’t about replacement refs and their inexperience. This isn’t about the NFL putting a horrible product on the field. But the fact that this issue is all about RACISM and no one is talking about it.

Why is it racist?

Because the BLACK REF gets the call right and the WHITE REF is calling a touchdown. Does the brother get his respect for getting the right call in a high pressure situation? Hell Naw. The head referee rolled right up and went with the call of the white dude. Always want to believe the white man. It’s a damn shame. We could straighten all this out if it wasn’t for racism. See? It isn’t out in the open anymore. Racism is underground, insidious. Keep your eyes open people. I need the ESPN reporters to cover that angle. God knows they’ve worn out every other angle possible.

New Orleans Saints:

The New Orleans Saints are winless this season. I guess coaches actually do something on Sundays. Who knew? The Saints can’t get it together at all. So here’s my question, do they take down this ridiculous picture of Sean Payton that is hanging up on the practice field?

I guess being threatened by a 30 foot tall picture of your coach who isn’t allowed in the building anymore isn’t working as proper motivation for grown ass men. I’m supposed to be scared of you when you aren’t even allowed in the building? Nilla please. The other problem? Is the meanest Sean Payton can look the duckface? If you want to rock a picture of Blue Steel as motivation, you might as well go all the way.

If the Saints win this weekend, you know who’s responsible.

Same look on Sean Payton’s face though. His picture is more ridiculous than this one.

My UvT Fantasy Team:

I don’t have much room to talk about the Saints though because my Fantasy Squad is also 0-3. Now I’m not an excuse guy, but I think I may have drafted every injured player in the league. Check it out.

All those “Q’s” don’t stand for “Quick, put him in your lineup because he’s awesome”, it stands for “Questionable”. I’m gonna go ahead and admit the majority of the choices I made were questionable, but I didn’t need to catch this many L’s this early in the season.

Even with all this, I lost my first game by 3 points because of a scheduling problem, then I got beat up the last two weeks. I gotta get a win. It’s kinda embarrassing. I’m gonna rally for the people though. I think I might only have another 2 losses before I’m essentially out of the playoffs. That’s not Team Us level effort. Otherwise I might have to put this squad out to pasture.

The NFL settles with the referees in 5…4….3…2…



Clint Eastwood Has Trouble, and It’s Not With the Curve

Clint Eastwood is still apparently getting talked about. His empty chair apparently can not be stopped.

There  have been all kinds of empty chair jokes since then. But now things have taken a hard turn on Clint. People are ready to turn his empty chairs into a protest. I got a chain email called “Clint Eastwood – Let’s Make His Day!!!!” Clearly written by someone SUPER creative and fond of exclamation marks.

Here’s the gist:

Clint Eastwood tried to marginalize President Obama with an empty chair, so let’s show him the power of the empty chair by NOT going to his new movie!

Get it…the chairs…in the theater…would be empty. Like, because no one is paying for them and Clint Eastwood isn’t making any money.

I’m am 100% behind voting with your feet. Don’t support the things made, sold, or promoted by people you don’t like. I’m with that. It’s part of the reason athletes, actors and anyone who depends on people liking them for their money never say anything political. They can lose half of America immediately. I guess this is Clint’s shot. They are trying to damage his new movie “Trouble with the Curve”.

Here’s a secret. I wasn’t going to see it anyway. I guess I’m a part of the movement now. You want to know another secret? If you ever want a protest where you really want to get a lot of people involved? Ask people NOT to do something. DON’T go to a movie? All about it. Wake up at 7am to stand in silence outside of a city building? That’s SO EARLY. I might not show up. This is great. Now people can feel good for not doing something they weren’t going to do anyway.

So here’s a picture of a showing of Trouble with the Curve.

If that’s the turnout of people supporting Clint this weekend, the vote in November might not turn out so well for Mitt Romney. I’m also pretty sure that dude is racist. Because that’s definitely where this thing is going, right?

It’s actually going to be interesting when the Republican party goes back to retool and actually has to be inclusive of all of America. I think they might actually figure out it is a much better approach than what they are doing now.

The Romney campaign might also benefit from someone who is in charge of paying attention to detail. Although I know EXACTLY how this happened, I know the SPECIFIC logic that led to this moment, I know there are PERFECTLY REASONABLE decisions that were made to make this moment occur, this picture is bad for business.

Not the look you want to portray when people think you are rich and not sensitive to the needs of people less fortunate than you…even if you’re wearing jeans. While falling would be a horrible moment for his campaign, using a person to perform a function usually taken care of by a patch of carpet is not the image you want to portray.


It Would Actually Be More Surprising if Kanye DIDN’T Have a Sex Tape

If you think about it, we’re actually in a celebrity sex tape drought. I don’t mind, because I never watch them. I find them offensive and disgusting, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least discuss it. There have been sex tapes in every era. It wasn’t long ago when sex tapes were actual tapes. You couldn’t be slick either, video cameras were BIG. If you wanted to record a sex tape with this thing, everyone was in on it.

These days, you could drop an iPhone in the corner and have a video on the internet in 5 minutes. Back in the day there was the Pamela Anderson sextape with Tommy Lee. Right when Pam Anderson was one of the hottest women in the world. There was the R. Kelly sex tape, which because it may or may not feature in underage girl somehow simultaneously does and does not exist. Then there was the “famous for your sex tape” era, lead by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Since then, virtually nothing. Sure, nude photos keep leaking out like clockwork, but have people finally learned to stop recording sex tapes?

No. Apparently not.

Kanye West is rumored to have a sex tape.

Kanye might be the one guy who will literally suffer no ill effects from the release of the sextape. He’s already a completely wild dude. It can’t hurt his career, he’s a rapper. It can’t hurt his relationship, what’s Kim gonna do, get mad at him for having a sex tape? I know how Kanye is going to react if she ever tries to check him on it.

The only thing that would make it better is if the sex tape gods gave us a second Kim Kardashian sex tape? There is no way that’s happening until Kim’s popularity begins to fade ever again. Next best thing though? Kanye has a “type” apparently this girl is a Kimmy K look alike.

It wouldn’t be Us Versus Them if we didn’t get to meet her.

Welcome to Kanye’s life people. This would be an excellent episode of “what’s wrong with this picture” if I actually believed anyone would look at anything but the woman in the picture. I have to admit, she does seem to resemble Kim in the most important ways.

I’m talking about her long hair and smoky eyes, you degenerates.

We’re gonna ignore the fact she’s taking bathroom pictures and appears to have a patch of carpet on top of her toilet, but I’m not mad at Kanye. He name is Mony Monn (I will give her mama the benefit of the doubt and assume her name is “Monica” on her birth certificate). And she is allegedly the woman in the tape. I say allegedly because people are STILL saying it is Kim and she’s trying to cover it up just to point the finger at a booty doppelganger. Like Kim just found a chick who looked like her and stashed her for just this kind of emergency. Hilarious.

 We’re gonna need one more pic for reference purposes.

Pro tip…If you meet a girl who is a professional at taking cell phone pics of her own ass, you’ve either found a girl so in touch with herself she’s identified her best assets, or a girl who is setting your ass up. There are literally dozens of pictures of her in this pose. I know you all, you’ll Google it.

I’m not expecting Kanye to release a regular sextape. He’s gotta release the flyest sextape ever. I don’t expect this to get leaked. ‘Ye is about to get the footage himself, lay some hot tracks over it, edit a few scenes to make it day-glow, and sell it direct online.

I expect nothing less from Kanye.


Mitt Romney Quits His Bid For President: Well, He Should Anyway…

Mitt Romney is running one of the most amazing Presidential campaigns ever. He messes up so much and so often, people can’t even fully beat him up for his previous mistake he makes another one. I know everyone has already covered everything he’s done but maybe a quick recap. He managed to offend the people throwing the Olympics…at the Olympics. Clint Eastwood talked to a chair. Romney was saying all the wrong things while an American diplomat was being killed. Then a tape gets released of him essentially writing off 47% of the country.

With the exception of the Olympic incident, all the rest of that stuff happened in a little over two weeks. He’s ripping em off at a record pace. I don’t want to talk about the details, you can read that anywhere. I just want to know if he’s on the verge of pulling the most Team Them move ever.

What if Mitt Romney just quit?

Seriously. He’s basically been running for President since 2006. He lost to John McCain in 2008, and just kinda kept it all going. Now, when he won the Republican Nomination it was damn near by default. Who else were the gonna elect? Michelle Bachmann? She fell apart early. Herman Cain? Once they found one of his side chicks he tapped himself out. Rootin’ Tootin’ Texan Rick Perry? I wouldn’t recognize that guy if he was standing in front of me ordering a burrito at Chipotle.

Romney just has to be tired by now. He has to feel like he can’t open his mouth without saying something crazy. The problem is the candidate for President has to talk a lot.

He’s got two more months to go. The hardest two months. He’s got debates. He’s basically got to win every swing state out there to get it. He’s actually so bad he’s messing up the Senate and House races in key states. Have you seen a Republican advisor this week? They can’t even make up anything to defend him. People in smaller races are separating from him. It’s getting ugly.

I mean he hasn’t gone into a Palin-level meltdown, but can it really get better from here?

I just want to know what would happen if he actually quit. Does Paul Ryan become the candiate by default? That would be kinda weird considering he hasn’t gotten a single vote from anyone in the country other than the one vote from Mitt Romney to choose him. Do we go back to the votes and go with Rick Santorum? He was second place, why not? Does the nomination pass down to Romney’s five sons?

Then it we could find out what it would be like to have 5 clones run for President. By the way, if anyone makes that movie, I want a cut.

I know a guy who runs for President isn’t exactly a “take my ball and go home” kind of person, but the Romney campaign is falling apart. Could it possibly get worse from here? It can’t can it?

Maybe it can. Hilarious that clip is from Fox News. Can someone tell me where rich people buy their Jenga games? Giant Jenga looks awesome. It isn’t in the shot, but he had a giant Candyland built with real candy and poor people dressed in actual fresh baked gingerbread to move around the board. It’s pretty awesome.


WTF?!? $337 Million Lottery Winner Donald Lawson Vows To Keep Eating McDonalds

The idea of the lottery is a great concept. It is actually the only form of gambling I believe in. When I go to Vegas I just can’t hit the tables. For some reason my mind can’t wrap around the idea of gambling. I like my $500 in my pocket just fine. I’m not willing to risk it just to get my hands on your $500. Most gambling is kinda sad. People are really banking on that win on that slot machine. All I know is every time I talk to a cab driver in Vegas, the first thing they tell me is stay away from the tables.

But the lottery is different. There is no reasonable person who thinks they are going to win. But a dollar to win a chance at $300 Million? Those are my kind of odds. My life is probably going to be exactly the way it is now. But for just one dollar, I might get a shot at changing everything. Now, I’m not the drop a $20 every week kind of guy, for a shot at $1.7 million. Those odds aren’t good enough. But if the numbers get right, I’ll drop $10 on em about once a year or so.

I don’t know what I’d do with the money…Although I’m pretty sure I’d set up at least one Money Mayweather style photo shoot.

I’m pretty sure outside of that, the lottery is just some choreographed government conspiracy. Why don’t rich people who already know how to handle their shit ever win the lottery? Has anyone ever seen an interview standing in front of that big ass check where the person says “I’m glad I will have the opportunity to use this to create generational wealth for myself and my family and this money will accelerate a few entrepreneurial ventures I already have in place.

Don’t even click on the comments below, no you haven’t, you see this dude.

That is an actual lottery winner from 2010. His story is crazy. He had less than $30 in his bank account when he won (still got those lotto tickets though). I love a good rags to riches story as much as the next dude, but why would I expect a dude who doesn’t know you need front teeth to get a job to manage $124 Million dollars? I can’t explain why the government would do it. I’m not too experienced with the government conspiracy thing, but I have no other explanation for the people who win the lottery.

This last winner took the cake though. Donald Lawson from Michigan won $337 Million last week. The first thing he said is that he isn’t a lobster and filet mignon type of guy, so he’s just gonna keep eating McDonalds.

I’m not mad at the fact that the dude eats McDonalds, I’m mad at the fact that the outer reaches of his imagination are lobster and filet…even then, he was like screw it, I’ll take the double cheeseburger. I like it though, you have to respect a guy who knows who he is and isn’t willing to change just because he has money.

I’ll tell you what DIDN’T come out of his mouth though. I’ll tell you one piece of his lifestyle he is going to change. That dude isn’t wearing a wedding ring.He didn’t stand up at the podium and say, “I’m gonna just keep on trying to figure this whole dating thing out and let things fall where they may. Maybe someday the right girl will come along and we will find love and a chance to share this miracle of money. Nah. According to the Us Versus Them Scale of 1-10 for what ladies are looking for, Dude just jumped about 6-7 slots into the highly desirable category. You know what that means.

Sorry, I was referencing the black dude handbook, Donald probably won’t make it rain in the club, but I guarantee he’s gonna hit the beach.

I won’t be mad at him either.

Hopefully the guy decides to at least try a Five Guys Burger or something. Time to step up to the big leagues on his burger game. I have a feeling it will blow his mind and start him down the slippery slope. He has no idea what’s coming.



Life on Mars: They Must Think We’re Real Idiots

When I was a kid I loved NASA. Who didn’t? I even got suckered into Space Camp. I’m talking freeze dried ice cream. Some old school janky IMAX and a B.S. “moon jumper” which is pretty much the same as the worst kiddy ride at your favorite amusement park. As far as I was concerned unless I was going to get to be weightless or go in that g force thing that spins you around fast so your face stretches back, we might as well have been out in the woods at regular camp.

First it was the moon, but now we are sending things to Mars. Mars is when NASA really gets cool. We’re talking about seeing if we can find water, see if humans can live on Mars, and the most important thing, see if we can discover life on Mars. So we sent up the Mars rover Curiosity.

That’s right, the apex of human achievement placed a little tank on another planet. Curiosity is up there taking pictures of itself, checking out rocks, doing soil samples, getting it in. The thing is, it only moves like 30 yards an hour. That’s the distance of a good NFL play. Isn’t this an American mission? I thought we were build for speed. I guess when you have one shot on a billion dollar truck, you don’t want to get too get too out of control.

You know what? Now that I think about it, all of this only sounds impressive if you are one of these dudes.

At least the dude close to me found one of the two ladies in the room. The guy behind him looks like he’s been planning that hug for a long, long time. There are a few acceptable ways to hug another man, but your arms down low, his arms up high, head back, big smile on your face as you thrust your junk into another man’s crotch is not one of them. Damn man.

Let’s say there was life on Mars. Is this the best representation of human achievement? Is this what we want to be our introduction to people from another planet? Let’s imagine for a second the Martians sent something here to Earth.

Imagine a little tank lands in the desert outside of Vegas and starts moving around at 30 yards an hour. We would be impressed and alarmed for about three days. then we would realize all the damn thing did was shoot rocks with a laser and that it had only gone a block and a half in that three days. After about two weeks we’d be playing tricks on the rover, making it zap little piles of dog crap, hiding from it so it never sends back signs of life. Then a few weeks later, we would be talking about how easy it would be to kick a Martians ass if this little tank was the best they could do.

Somewhere there is a Martian thinking that right now. Next time we just need to send this:

NASA wouldn’t even need more money. McDonald’s would sponsor the whole thing. I’m pretty sure ol Ronald McDonald would drop a billion to have the first sponsored ride on Mars. They would probably open a new restaurant a few weeks after the McMarsRover touched down.

I’m pretty sure McDonalds fries would be the ultimate negotiation tool with the Martians. They might give up the whole planet for a Super Size fries and a Sweet Tea.

That’s how Us Versus Them would run the space program…which is probably why we aren’t in charge of the space program.



How To Choose a Video to Upload: DON’T Do It This Way

I’ve always wondered how the worst kind of FAIL videos make it on the internet. I don’t usually have a video camera running at the house, but if I did…and let’s just say I was trying to jump a fence and clipped my toe and busted my ass. Hypothetically, let’s just say that happened, maybe one time before. If I had a video of it, it would never make the internet, ever.

So I don’t understand people who bust their ass then leak their own video. This is the classic one. How did this ever get out? I mean this woman was CLEARLY alone, it is dark and lonely out there when you catch an L like this all by yourself.

Did she run the tape back and think her singing was so good up front, she thought it would cancel out that backbreaker she put on herself? She couldn’t have rocked that song from the floor. She’s lucky that was just a coffee table. A kitchen table might have killed her ass.

This next one is even crazier because it was almost a group snuff film. Check out what happens when you trust the asshole that likes to crank it up to 10 when he’s on his boat.

They did not see that coming AT ALL. They should make you watch this video when you get a boating license to remind you to wear a life vest. Because if this boat flipped over, I’m pretty sure at least 3 of these people would have drowned. Starting with the bald driver. Break it down in UvT vision? I don’t mind if I do.

The driver looks like a dude you shouldn’t trust. Did you see how he’s cranking that throttle? That chick on the right in the yellow knows he’s going too fast…purple bikini? She just thinks she’s here for a good time.

The first bounce was okay, but that second one hit her with that roller coaster floating sensation and she lost her glasses. That’s when she knew shit was about to get real.

How quickly things change. All hell breaks loose at the 4 second mark and yellow bikini catches a face jammy.

What I really don’t understand is how the driver swings left like he just caught a Mayweather haymaker. It’s like the liquor all caught up with him at once. I thought he hit his head, but no he just caught a clean, invisible K.O. punch. Once he’s down I thought the whole boat was going to die. HOAX ALERT: How did the camera stay so stable here?

I like how they got just wet enough to make them look really crazy at the end. The chick asks “what happened?” I’ll tell you what happened the skipper was an asshole. That’s why he’s the last one to get up.

People are checking for teeth. The dude in the back just lays out like he is deciding whether or not to die. Somehow, one dude managed to hold on to his sunglasses. So which one of these assholes was able to look at a video of himself almost dying and thought to himself “Let’s go ahead and upload this to YouTube”.

It’s a stupid decision, but tonight, I’m glad they did.