How To Choose a Video to Upload: DON’T Do It This Way

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I’ve always wondered how the worst kind of FAIL videos make it on the internet. I don’t usually have a video camera running at the house, but if I did…and let’s just say I was trying to jump a fence and clipped my toe and busted my ass. Hypothetically, let’s just say that happened, maybe one time before. If I had a video of it, it would never make the internet, ever.

So I don’t understand people who bust their ass then leak their own video. This is the classic one. How did this ever get out? I mean this woman was CLEARLY alone, it is dark and lonely out there when you catch an L like this all by yourself.

Did she run the tape back and think her singing was so good up front, she thought it would cancel out that backbreaker she put on herself? She couldn’t have rocked that song from the floor. She’s lucky that was just a coffee table. A kitchen table might have killed her ass.

This next one is even crazier because it was almost a group snuff film. Check out what happens when you trust the asshole that likes to crank it up to 10 when he’s on his boat.

They did not see that coming AT ALL. They should make you watch this video when you get a boating license to remind you to wear a life vest. Because if this boat flipped over, I’m pretty sure at least 3 of these people would have drowned. Starting with the bald driver. Break it down in UvT vision? I don’t mind if I do.

The driver looks like a dude you shouldn’t trust. Did you see how he’s cranking that throttle? That chick on the right in the yellow knows he’s going too fast…purple bikini? She just thinks she’s here for a good time.

The first bounce was okay, but that second one hit her with that roller coaster floating sensation and she lost her glasses. That’s when she knew shit was about to get real.

How quickly things change. All hell breaks loose at the 4 second mark and yellow bikini catches a face jammy.

What I really don’t understand is how the driver swings left like he just caught a Mayweather haymaker. It’s like the liquor all caught up with him at once. I thought he hit his head, but no he just caught a clean, invisible K.O. punch. Once he’s down I thought the whole boat was going to die. HOAX ALERT: How did the camera stay so stable here?

I like how they got just wet enough to make them look really crazy at the end. The chick asks “what happened?” I’ll tell you what happened the skipper was an asshole. That’s why he’s the last one to get up.

People are checking for teeth. The dude in the back just lays out like he is deciding whether or not to die. Somehow, one dude managed to hold on to his sunglasses. So which one of these assholes was able to look at a video of himself almost dying and thought to himself “Let’s go ahead and upload this to YouTube”.

It’s a stupid decision, but tonight, I’m glad they did.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Clint Eastwood? Almost, But Not Quite

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I was only able to catch pieces of the Republican National Convention. I saw the Romney speech, but the sound wasn’t on. I’m pretty sure I still caught the general idea though. The real news was apparently Clint Eastwood. I guess he went up there for his speech and decided it was a good idea to talk to an empty chair.

I know the man is an artist and needed to bring an element of theatrics to the RNC, but the general consensus is that he missed. People are talking about Clint Eastwood looking crazy, looking old, even drunk. I don’t even want to talk about the empty chair, it seems completely ridiculous, but it wasn’t even close to the real man up moment. In fact, the person who didn’t Man Up is fully responsible for Clint taking a hit last week.

I guess when a cultural icon and notorious tough guy shows up, everyone wants to just get out of the way. That’s why my Man Up this week goes to whoever was responsible for Clint’s hair.

I mean damn. No one saw Clint backstage and wanted to hand him a comb? Point him in the direction of a mirror. Dude was going up before the Republican nominee for President, the biggest night in the Republican party, and dude looks like he just woke up from a nap.

I’m sure no one wanted to tell Dirty Harry he looked like a crazy man, but they didn’t do him any favors either. The whole RNC was hijacked by a hairdresser turning into a punk. That’s a damn shame.

So whoever was in charge of people not looking completely crazy at the RNC needs to Man Up!

Actually, now that I think about it, it’s karma. This is what Republican’s get for not supporting gay rights. I’m sure the hairdresser back there looked at Clint, thought about helping him, and just said screw it. Otherwise, do you think this guy wouldn’t have caught Clint before he got out there?

Exactly. Dude would have caught that bad hair from 50 feet.

-Brock

Prince Harry: You Got N*ckas in Paris, We Got Princes In Vegas

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Being a Prince has to be a pretty good gig. I’m not sure what Prince Harry’s actual job is. He’s still a good five seats from being King or whatever if he is even actually still in line. Prince Charles has been waiting for that #1 spot his entire life. Queen Elizabeth isn’t giving it up any time soon. Harry already let his brother have the big fancy wedding. William is the crown prince. So basically that means Prince Harry is one of the most famous bachelors in the world, he doesn’t have many responsibilities, and he will always be a member of the royal family so what does he do?

Head to Vegas and get loose.

You know it’s a party when you break out the straw hat. Harry didn’t stop there. He was rolling with wildman Ryan Lochte and the ladies didn’t take long to see through his disguise. Harry didn’t hesitate to take full advantage.

I call this pic, “I’m gonna take her…oh and her over there…she can come up to the room…and do you want to recreate the bath scene from Coming to America?”

Harry didn’t end there, once he got up to the room, things really got interesting. Prince Harry is the Honey Badger of the Royal Family, he doesn’t give a fuck. Actually, I think he might have given a fuck on this one.

Literally.

Nothing to do in a VIP suite in Vegas after a long day at the pool other than get a few chicks up to the room and get buck naked. It didn’t end there. He really wanted to get it in.

First things first, the fact TMZ felt like the needed to drop in that star disturbs me. Second, I don’t know about the rest of you, but every time in my life I’ve been full monte naked with my junk firmly lodged in the azz crack of a naked young woman, I’m not able to stand that close to her unless she is playing a game of hide Lil Brick. I’m going to give Prince Harry the benefit of the doubt and assume he wasn’t banging some chick out next to a pool table in front of someone who has a camera phone…but that’s sure what it looks like.

I’m down with it. Prince Harry has nothing to lose. I really don’t see the problem other than the complete violation of the Vegas ground rules here. Every VIP suite in Vegas should just have a big box next to the front door where everyone drops their cell phones. If I’m running around naked in a Vegas Hotel room, I don’t want anyone telling the story, much less taking pics that end up on TMZ.

We got these Princes in Vegas and they Goin Gorillas…Huh?

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday Alex Cross – A Few Things Have Changed…

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Alex Cross movies aren’t exactly Bourne movies, but they have their own thing. Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider. Those movies were so good it just made it seem like Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd were in about 15 movies together. I even want to give them credit for Long Kiss Goodnight and that was Samuel L. Jackson and Geena Davis. Plus, Morgan Freeman was about as smooth as you could be with a hightop fade.

So they are bringing back Alex Cross. You thought recasting Jason Bourne was controversial? Check out the new Alex Cross.

I actually wish I was joking. This is about as close to the truth as anything else. They’ve signed up Madea as an action hero. As a detective. As a leading man. He might as be wearing a costume in this one too, he looks just as fake.

You think a gun and a goatee is supposed to make me forget that this dude usually wears a dress and says “Heller, How ya dern”? You think a badge and a mini fro are going to change all of that? Because they aren’t. This is horrible.

The worst part is the rest of the movie actually looks really good. The took Jack from Lost. A solid hero type and the dude totally transformed himself into a complete psycho.

I’d be pissed off if I signed up for a movie and got all shredded up and found out this was the first time my co-star was a man for an entire movie. Seriously, dude looks like he hasn’t had a carb since he died on the island. (Uhhhh, SPOILER ALERT?)

So this whole movie needs to Man Up. Can we sub in someone else? Anyone from the Wire will do. Stringer. Marlo. Avon. Omar. Chris. Bunk. Cutty. Hell, I’d take Cheese, Bodie and Snoop too.

Someone Man Up Alex Cross. Please.

-Brock

Chad Johnson Has The Worst Week Ever #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

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You want to know the new test for finding out if you had a shitty week?

Google yourself. If the first picture that pops up is a mugshot marked “3 days ago”, your week might already suck.

Chad Johnson got arrested last weekend on domestic abuse charges for allegedly head butting his wife in a fight. I hope the guy got his money’s worth. You’d hate for it to be a short little shot. He should have at least gotten in a classic Bam Bam Bigelow flying headbutt:

Or even get a big effect like that Zidane headbutt.

You know what? Googling your own name and seeing your mugshot might be bad, but there is something worse. When you picture comes up when you Google the words “condom receipt“. Yikes. Now you never want to get divorced after only being married for a month, but you definitely don’t want to go out the way Chad did. If you get caught cheating and your life is going to fall apart, get caught in the middle of a threesome in mid-stroke. Go out for a real offense. Going down for a condom receipt is like getting arrested on a paperwork technicality.

Who the hell saves their condom receipts? I guess we should be happy he got caught now instead of when he checked in at his mistresses house on Foursquare. Before he set up a Skype call from a strip club. I mean damn. I guess we should thank the hoes of America for having an all cash process. Thanks to the strip club ATM’s that report your location as KOD Bar and Grille when you are at King of Diamonds. Because if dudes are leaving condom receipts in their trunk, there would be a lot more problems out there.

Chad messed up his marriage and his job and probably a commentating deal for a box of condoms. We don’t even know if he got to use em. At least if you find a wrapper we know Chad got it in. Why is chad buying his own condoms anyway, I thought he started his own OchoCinco condom line a few years ago.

You know he’s got some boxes in the basement.

Here’s the other thing. Chad JUST got married 41 days ago. Here’s a pro tip. If you can’t go 60 days without banging another woman. You MIGHT not be ready for marriage. For other reasons, please reference these classic posts. Why the hell did Chad think he was ready to get married anyway?

Oh, right. I see a few things he might have liked.

I know everyone wants to blame Chad’s downfall on this fight, but I just want to remind people that they might be overestimating his skill level. You know all the great Chad Johnson memories you have? The Riverdance? The golf putt? The Hall of Fame Jacket? THAT WAS 1997! That was before he changed his name to Ochocinco. Chad’s time might have been up anyway.

I hope he recovers…UNTIL THEN, I’m starting a new hashtag. Hit us up on Twitter @UvTblog and shoot us your best #BecauseOfACondomReceipt tweets. Here’s one to get you started.

Wanna know what the McRib goes away? #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

It’s gonna be messed up with T.O. and Plaxico are playing this year and Chad is at the crib.

-Brock

Come On Bruh! Randy Travis

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There is a lot I could talk about this week, but this is one of the best stories ever. I know Country singers have problems. I know they write an awful lot of sad songs, Randy is even known for Gospel Country songs. I know they talk about God a lot in regular country songs, so gospel country songs must really lay down the word. Gospel Country sounds a little repetitive to me, like ordering a liquor alcohol or a sandwich sub. So Randy is a good dude.

I guess he’s a good dude until he gets a little bit of that drank in him, then he turns into a real wild dude. He got pinned for a DWI and public intoxication. Do you know how drunk you have to be to get charged with being drunk outside AND for driving a car you aren’t even in? You’ve gotta be GONE.

And by all accounts he was. Check this description of when they found Randy.

Randy Travis was found lying in the middle of the road. He refused a breathalyzer on the scene. He threatened to shoot and kill the officers who showed up on the scene. He had crashed into several construction barricades, oh…and they found him BUTT ASS NAKED. Check the mug shot.

When they got him to the jail they had to put him in paper pants and loan him a shirt for his mugshot. Dude looks like he got beat up by the cops and the cops didn’t touch him.

Here’s my question though. When did he get naked? Was he drinking at the crib and needed to go for a naked drive? Was he rolling in the whip, got hot and got naked? Did he crash the car and strip once he got out? Why was this dude naked in the middle of the road? Hell, what was he drinking? He was clearly on that good stuff. He must be on something else too. There aren’t too many people who get naked in the street status off of straight liquor.

Look on the bright side Randy. You’ve got the pieces of a great country song off of this one.

I’ma riiiiide and I’m drankin

This drink got me thinkin

thinking bout what 

I’m gonna doooo.

But now I’m butt naked

My car, I just wrecked it

Alls I see, are some cops,

I’m gonna shoot.

That’s a hit right there Randy. Holla at me, we’ll make it happen. You bring the drinks.

-Brock

The Many Kinds of Sex

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I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but guys think about sex all the time.  Ladies, if you also think about sex all the time, please feel free to let us know in the comments. Please. But while guys think about sex all the time, we must recognize there are many kinds of sex.

I’m not talking about positions. Let’s just get right to it, shall we?

Before we even get to sex, we have to cover all of the things that lead up to sex.  My personal favorite is hunching.  You have having sex with all your clothes on.  A teenage staple.  If you can’t get some, just grind on each other with a full clothing condom.  Who needs latex when you’ve got denim?  More friction burns have been sustained in hunching incidents than can be tracked. This is also known as what is now considered dancing in high school.

Sex

First there is standard sex.  I’m not saying that it has to be boring, it just isn’t all that distinctive.  Once you’ve had sex with multiple people there are a few memorable experiences that might stand out, the rest of it is just sex.  You have sex with your girlfriend.  You had sex with that chick in college that one time.

Fuckin

Now fuckin is different.  Everyone remembers a few transcendent moments when sex somehow morphed into fuckin.  Fuckin is like your greatest hits reel.  Those times you can remember individually…that was fuckin.  If you find yourself out with “these bitches”, if you get some at the end of the night, that was fuckin.  If a woman thanks you afterwards…fuckin.

Making Love

When you get married, all of a sudden you are making love.  At least that is what your wife thinks.  Your wedding night, making love.  When she wants to have kids, making love.  You have got to get all romantic with it.  The Turquoise Jeep guys had it right, you gotta Smang it, roll with it a little bit.  But of course, if you can’t have kids the first couple of times you try it, all of a sudden you are in the clinical realm of…

Copulation

Yeah Copulation isn’t fun.

You’re on schedules, sure having sex at lunch on a Tuesday sounds sexy, but not when you’ve GOT to do it.

Insemination

Can’t handle your job.  That’s when everything gets turned over to science.

You get put on that Michael Jackson program.

Immaculate conception

If you are God you have other options.

But it only happened once.

Did you know that there is a way to have sex with anyone you want?  You can last forever and it can go exactly the way you want it to.  That’s called…

imagination masturbation

Use that one at your own risk.

-Brock

 

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