Isn’t It Time We All Agreed That Valentine’s Day is the Worst Holiday Ever?

Us Versus Them has a long history of pulling the shroud of legitimacy off of all bullshit holidays. President’s Day is a scam. Columbus Day celebrates something that never even happened. Even Black people don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. The Fourth of July is great, but only when it falls on a Friday or a Monday. You get cheated out of your day off when it falls on a weekend, and you can’t properly get your barbecue and beer in on a Wednesday. One day of Independence in the middle of the week isn’t true independence.

If I had to rank my favorite holidays by category I’m gonna go with:

1. Christmas – Because you have to be a real dick not to love Christmas. Yes, I thought about Jewish people as I wrote that, but even the Jewish have to admit that it isn’t Christmas they hate, it’s the fact Christians start celebrating long about 5 days after Halloween. That’s a little like celebrating a potential touchdown by high-stepping at the 30 yard line. We shouldn’t do that. But we do it because CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME.


2. Thanksgiving – Pilgrims. Giving Thanks. Blah, blah, blah. Thanksgiving is a tribute to eating. We have a nationwide turkey sacrifice and celebrate our excess by eating until we can’t anymore and falling asleep. But you’re with family and it’s an almost automatic 4 day weekend. Presents give Christmas the edge, but only by a small margin.

3. Any holiday where you get a day off. I’m talking a real day off. Not the Post Office and the government days off. They’ll close for anything.

4. Holidays where we recognize those who actually did something for our country. MLK Day, Veterans Day, Memorial Day. All good with me. I’m not gonna lie. I have no idea when Veterans day is. But I do appreciate my freedom and their hard work.

5. Holidays where you don’t even get a day off or they are just random and odd. Groundhog Day, I’m looking at you.


Which brings us to the worst day of all. Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know, Valentine’s Day is about love. That’s the worst part of it. You do something in the name of love and all of a sudden we aren’t supposed to realize all the traditions around it are completely ridiculous? Think about it.

First of all, it is long established here at Us Versus Them that Valentine’s Day is Player’s New Year. The day the forces all dudes who are dating more than one woman to declare their main chick.



Or not. Depends on how you work it.

Dinner: Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year. Good luck going to a restaurant today. No one with a grown up job wants to leave work tomorrow to rush home, get dressed up, pick up their wife/girlfriend, go to a fancy dinner they had to lock down the reservation for back in January, drink…but not too much because you have to go to work tomorrow and then only maybe get laid, because she’s tired because it was a long day and she’s got work tomorrow too.

Flowers: I’m actually down with the flowers. Flowers are good all the time. But the roses are kinda overkill. Valentine’s Day is the superbowl for florists. This is the day of the year when they roll out and get paid. While I appreciate that, it means they are getting over on me. I don’t like that.Valentine day chocolate (7)

Chocolate: The box of chocolates? Does anyone like that box of chocolates? Is anyone looking forward to getting a hold of the raspberry nougat filled dark chocolate one? Is it worth it to bite into 4 other chocolates before you find it? Don’t think about that. The answer is no. No one looks forward to raspberry nougat. If they did, they would sell raspberry nougat candy bars right next to the check out at the grocery store next to the Twix, the Kit Kats and all the other delicious candy. They wouldn’t sell it once a year inside of a heart-shaped box of chocolate roulette.

In fact, it’s actually hard to win on Valentine’s Day. But one wrong move and it is easy as hell to lose. Valentine’s Day just puts on a lot of extra pressure and makes you do a lot of extra stuff and it still won’t be a good as a really solid Saturday night date. You get the whole day to hang out, you can rage Saturday night and recover on Sunday. THAT’S a good night. We don’t need to wait for a random day in mid-February to do that.

Have a very Us Versus Them Valentine’s Day y’all.




Is it Just Me, or Does Ray Lewis Seem a Little Emotional Right Now?

Now that I’ve finally recovered from the Falcons losing to the Niners last week we can start to talk about this Super Bowl. Somehow, Ray Lewis got injured and completely hijacked the playoffs this year. Somehow Ray Lewis is making a comeback and retiring at the same time. How does that work? At least we only have to see this one more time.

Yeah, that’s the old school version with the extra hip wiggle. I guess you don’t have to dance well as long as you dance hard. But Ray is so ridiculous right now, the dance isn’t even close to the most ridiculous thing he’s doing right now.

Did you see him at the beginning of the AFC Championship game? During the National Anthem, and we’re not talking about Beyonce here, I’m talking a three-part harmony country, “why are those other two dudes even there?”, version. Ray lost it like Whitney Houston came back to life to sing the Star Spangled Banner with Michael Jackson on backup vocals, Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Jesus himself on drums.

I can’t take a grown man with face paint and a durag seriously. Ray is crying before the game, after the game. Crying at the crib thinking about the game. Crying while he’s watching the game tape. I don’t know how he can take it, because I sure as hell can’t take it anymore.

I understand football is an emotional game, but Ray can’t  manage to hold it together at all. What the hell is causing this? Was his rehab for the injury just watching The Notebook over and over again? Did he have a Rudy marathon before the Notre Dame national championship game and get inspired by Rudy Ruettiger living his dream? Did he have a sit down with Tim Tebow about his future in the league?

I’m actually scared of what will happen to Ray if the Ravens manage to win the SuperBowl. Here he is after the last win.

Ray Lewis is really putting in some religious work right now. If the Ravens get that Lombardi trophy, Ray might just go ahead and roll out a full sermon, die, resurrect himself, and try to make the holy trinity a holy quadrinity or whatever four holy things would be called. The Father, Son, the Holy Spirit and Ray Lewis. Maybe then, Ray would be able to quote some deeper scripture. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper?” Come on Ray, we all know that one. And what weapon are you talking about? Your triceps injury? Everyone loves you Ray. You’ve been in the league since the 90’s. I can’t name one person who hates Ray Lewis. Okay, maybe that dude you may or may not have murdered in Atlanta, but you can’t really blame them.

Ray, try to turn it down a bit this Sunday. I don’t want to see a man spontaneously explode on the field.


Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

Manti Te’o’s life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.



Man Up Monday: Manny Pacquiao

I was watching UFC Saturday night and when the main event ended, I found out the Manny Pacquiao fight hadn’t started yet. So I flipped over there and I’m glad I did. It was one of the best fights I’ve seen in a long time. Knockdowns for both fighters, they were standing toe to toe and really going at it. Then the craziest thing happened. Pac-Man caught one of the worst knockouts I’ve ever seen. I’m talking, he’s not getting up, knocked out. I’m talking he hasn’t moved in so long I’m uncomfortable, knocked out. Where did that punch even come from, knocked out.

I’ve said this before, but getting knocked out in boxing is the worst thing that can happen in all of sport. You job is to fight. You spend all day training to fight. For 4 months, you know exactly who you are going to be fighting, you are specifically getting ready for just one person. And you do that job so badly you end up sleeping in the middle of a ring wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and high boots. Pacquiao caught that shot in close too, it wasn’t even fully extended.

That’s embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as it got once the internet starting working its magic. They started lining Pac-Man up with some of the greatest knockouts in history. There were some wrestling classics, like this:

Or this:

Then of course the  literary classics.

And finally, the classic “My man is sleeping in the background”

It is really not okay to get knocked out like that. Once you catch a shot like that, it just becomes easier and easier for opponents to keep hitting that same button. He also just messed up any kind of Mayweather Superfight. after two losses in a row, I don’t want to see that fight at all. Floyd would really work Manny.

Manny Pacquiao needs to MAN UP. He needs to go ahead and retire to his life of politics and karaoke singing. Because it was ugly.

Pacquiao….Man Up!


You want to know the real setup. Mitt Romney was there during the fight. Here’s his “damn you just got knocked the f out!” face.

 That’s hilarious.


Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys 🙂 Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.


The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.


Andrew Bynum Does The Impossible: He Just Got Worse

I thought the Andrew Bynum situation was horrible last week. It was so bad I had to address it. But the physical manifestation of Bynum’s “I don’t give a f*ck” reached all new heights. The hair was already stupid as just a normal fro. But for some reason, he decided to really take it to the next level and straighten it. Peep this.

Let’s go ahead and drop a come on bruh on that one. Is that pimp hair? Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber? Sultan from Great White Hype?

I know Andrew Bynum isn’t supposed to be healthy until January, and maybe he’s bored, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn about representing his team. Wait, maybe he is trying to be one of the greats. Maybe he is already ready to leave the Sixers and join another team…well, group really.

I hear they have a new album coming out.



Condoms in Porn? That’s That S#!T We Don’t Like

In addition to voting for the President last week, there were a bunch of other state laws on the ballots. Colorado passes a law that allows recreational weed, and California passed a law that mandates condoms in all porn filmed in the state.

Because that’s just everyone is looking for in their porn, a reminder to be responsible and practice safe sex. Because, let’s be honest, that’s what porn is all about.

Who was asking for this? I’m sure people can’t just outlaw porn outright, so they came at it from the side (a very porn-like technique if you ask me). I’m sure they think by adding condoms to porn they will ruin the industry. Drive the business out of California. The worst part of the bill was it was all about keeping performers safe, and reducing the spread of disease. Look, I’m all for that, who isn’t? Here’s my thing, porn stars have made choices in life. It isn’t exactly a profession you get forced into. They get tested, they decide what their limits are, and they go for it. They get well compensated for it. Who are they protecting? The porn stars? Are they trying to seve them from themselves? Is this like save the whales? The poor defenseless porn stars who can’t make decisions for themselves.

Are you going to put boxers in giant rock em sock em gloves next? I don’t need my porn to be safe, I think porn stars are safe enough, you want to know how safe porn needs to be? This safe:

This is ridiculous. Where do they draw the line. If I’m making some home videos, do I need to pull a permit? Or is there a carve out for amateur work? When do I go pro? Lighting? Do you need a porn name? I feel like I’m on the edge already. Brock Hardon is about as porn name as you can get. Do I need a few videos to leak and get known for my work before I fall under the regulations? It’s ridiculous.

There are a lot of loopholes here. They say condoms must be worn but there isn’t a lot of detail after that. They never say where you have to wear them. That means this should be good to go.

It isn’t the best look in the world, but no one is looking at the dude in porn anyway. Or have the chick throw a condom over her left hand and go at it like normal.

Speaking of wearing condoms on hands, why are they worried about porn stars banging one another, people who chose to have sex as a job, people who know what their signing up for, people who know exactly what to expect…but there aren’t any laws mandating the people in kitchens wear gloves when they are preparing my food? I mean, I just want a sandwich and I don’t know where their hands have been. It’s one thing if I’m signing up for something exotic, but I’m not looking to take any risk when I order a number 2. Protect me dammit.

This damn law creates more questions than it answers for me.