After the success of the “Can’t we all agree Valentine’s Day is B.S.“? post, I thought I had actually covered all of the ridiculous holidays, but this weekend I was reminded of the worst holiday of all.

St. Patrick’s Day.

Now I don’t have all of my Saints in order and memorized, but based on what I see, St. Patrick was the Saint of getting blazed out drunk? The Saint of wearing green? No wait, maybe he was the Saint of poverty because everyone ends up sleeping outside.

Even better worse is the fact that this year St. Patrick’s day was on a Sunday. So the reasonable people decided to get fucked up drunk on Saturday. Those are the reasonable people. The people who wanted to keep it real said, “screw it, let’s go ahead and drink all day on a Sunday…I’ll usually get torn down drunk on a Wednesday, so at least on a Sunday I have the day off.”. But then the TRULY dedicated cranked up the bus on Saturday and kept it rolling until Sunday night. Longtime UvT reader and the sole remaining representative of the Code2Ave empire, JonnyD likes to roll with the “how long can I stay awake and keep drinking” contest anyway so I’m sure he had a great weekend.

Like this guy:

That’s the real beauty of St. Patrick’s Day. This dude woke up in the morning and threw on a fuzzy fat suit? He’s not a leprechaun, he’s not a clover, he’s the drunk, lost green Teletubby, Winky Drinky. And everyone thinks that is okay…when it is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY. Just like this isn’t okay.

This picture was taken at six o’clock in the morning and these dudes are already on fire. Who thought it was a good idea to start the tradition of drinking first thing in the morning? I don’t know about you, and maybe I don’t have my drinking all day game down right. But, if I’m going to drink all day I like to beer up at about lunch time and ride that train to Liquorville long about 4:30 that way I can turn up as the sun goes down and keep it rolling late. Being drunk at 10am is never a good thing. Although I have to say, the only times I’ve been drunk at 10 am is after waking back up from a great night, so that’s already getting me started off on the wrong foot. Drunk at 10am just means I want a nap.

Also, green beer means green puke. There’s nothing sexy about that at all. A day of green beer means you find that girl at the end of the night and ask her to leave the green wig ON. There’s no way to make it through that experience without having at least one Oompa Loompa moment.

I never even remember to wear green. In fact, I’m not sure I own anything green to wear at all. Do you remember when you were a kid and people would try to pinch you if you weren’t wearing green? I don’t remember when that ends as a “tradition” but I think it has to be about the time when you’re big enough to turn around and punch someone in the nose if they pinch you. Because I haven’t seen anyone try to pull that one in years.

In fact, the only way I even know it is St. Patrick’s Day is because people decide to drink in any pub that has a remotely Irish name.

You know you can get drinks at any bar, right? Sure, I’m sure these spots are more festive, but the food always sucks, you can’t get in, and you will probably get into a DUI in the parking lot. The police could pull over every single car coming out of O’Flana’Houlihan’s and lock up half of the white people in any given city.

I like the Us Versus Them holiday series. It’s a little hard to talk about the resurrection of Christ in a few weeks for Easter, but that bunny better watch his ass. He’s firmly in the crosshairs.

-Brock