Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

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Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

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Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son“ version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.

-Brock 

Man Up: NFL Edition

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I’m a big supporter of NFL Football. But with the exception of my Atlanta Falcons sitting at 3-0, this season is a complete mess. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Replacement Refs:

You know what’s the worst part about this picture? The outcome of the game? No. Knowing RIGHT NOW that we will DEFINITELY be talking about this in January as the playoff schedule gets put together? Horrible, but not the worst thing. The fact that this isn’t about replacement refs and their inexperience. This isn’t about the NFL putting a horrible product on the field. But the fact that this issue is all about RACISM and no one is talking about it.

Why is it racist?

Because the BLACK REF gets the call right and the WHITE REF is calling a touchdown. Does the brother get his respect for getting the right call in a high pressure situation? Hell Naw. The head referee rolled right up and went with the call of the white dude. Always want to believe the white man. It’s a damn shame. We could straighten all this out if it wasn’t for racism. See? It isn’t out in the open anymore. Racism is underground, insidious. Keep your eyes open people. I need the ESPN reporters to cover that angle. God knows they’ve worn out every other angle possible.

New Orleans Saints:

The New Orleans Saints are winless this season. I guess coaches actually do something on Sundays. Who knew? The Saints can’t get it together at all. So here’s my question, do they take down this ridiculous picture of Sean Payton that is hanging up on the practice field?

I guess being threatened by a 30 foot tall picture of your coach who isn’t allowed in the building anymore isn’t working as proper motivation for grown ass men. I’m supposed to be scared of you when you aren’t even allowed in the building? Nilla please. The other problem? Is the meanest Sean Payton can look the duckface? If you want to rock a picture of Blue Steel as motivation, you might as well go all the way.

If the Saints win this weekend, you know who’s responsible.

Same look on Sean Payton’s face though. His picture is more ridiculous than this one.

My UvT Fantasy Team:

I don’t have much room to talk about the Saints though because my Fantasy Squad is also 0-3. Now I’m not an excuse guy, but I think I may have drafted every injured player in the league. Check it out.

All those “Q’s” don’t stand for “Quick, put him in your lineup because he’s awesome”, it stands for “Questionable”. I’m gonna go ahead and admit the majority of the choices I made were questionable, but I didn’t need to catch this many L’s this early in the season.

Even with all this, I lost my first game by 3 points because of a scheduling problem, then I got beat up the last two weeks. I gotta get a win. It’s kinda embarrassing. I’m gonna rally for the people though. I think I might only have another 2 losses before I’m essentially out of the playoffs. That’s not Team Us level effort. Otherwise I might have to put this squad out to pasture.

The NFL settles with the referees in 5…4….3…2…

-Brock

 

UvT Fantasy Football League: For the 1%

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I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.

I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.

I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.

So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.

Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played.  Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.

I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.

Not Prepared Guy:  This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing.  You gotta love and hate this guy.  You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on.  Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.

Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing  the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.

Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude.  There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good.   Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore.  This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.

The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy:  No.  No he’s not.

2010 All-Star team guy:  This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name.  Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.

Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.

Overprepared Guy:  This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds.  Listen player, it’s round 13.  It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay?  Just pick.  You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time.  Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)

Always Messing Up Guy:  This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.

Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.

Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.

Finally, some general fantasy tips.

Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Olympic Edition

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We’re more than a full week into the Olympics now. Coverage sucks in America overall, but it REALLY sucks on the west coast. We get spoiled twice out here and it is damn near half a day before we get to see anything anyone is talking about. Usain Bolt wins a race…spoiler at noon. Then NBC decides to show it on the east coast, spoilers again at 7 while everyone who already knows how the race ends STILL comments on what happened in the race. Then I get to see it about 10 hours after it happened.

Thanks.

By the way…when do they air the USA Basketball? They NEVER get any coverage. Anyone?

The thing that really strikes me about the Olympics is how they decide which sports are in and which ones are out. I’m down with any sport where someone needs to be faster, stronger, or jump higher. That all makes sense. Gymnastics? Fine, they need somewhere to compete. Fighting? Also good. Shooting stuff? Only because archery was a legitimate life skill when the Olympics started. Horse jumping? Not so sure about that.

But those aren’t even the worst ones. What the hell is trampoline?

How do you get into that? Is this synchronized? Why do these cats get the same medal as the world’s fastest man again?

There actually is an exception to the “faster” rule too. What about “racewalking”?

Who decided to make a race called “run, but not too fast?” Running wasn’t good enough? I’m sure these people are in good shape, but it is hard work to make sprinters…who wear tights…look like their outfits are completely legit. Those silky short, shorts are the worst piece of athletic equipment ever invented.

Worst. Ever.

Then there are sports that aren’t in. Where is cricket? Isn’t that popular somewhere? Ultimate Frisbee? Why not Olympic golf? Indy car racing? That stuff is out, but you know what is in? Horse Dancing. Also known as Dressage. (I’m going to go ahead and assume you say that fancy, like massage.

Not jumping, not running fast (if you’re gonna let horses in…why aren’t they racing again?) We’re talking about dudes in jackets with tails making horses dance. It sounds like some B.S., but that horse up there is really high-stepping right now. Does the horse get the medal or the dude in the high boots? Who is the athlete here? By the way, you want to know how rich people get down? Mitt Romney owns that horse up there. Listen to me now, Mitt Romney owns an Olympic level dancing horse. THAT’S how you know you might have a lot of loot laying around. I guess horses need jobs too.

So all these sports need to Man Up. There should be some kind of review every 4 years to kick out the sports no one should be doing in 2032. Was there really some kid sitting at home this week thinking about how they want to dedicate themselves to horse dancing for the next 20 years?

I hope not. I really do.

One thing that makes no sense that i can get behind though? Beach Volleyball is already one of the most visually engaging sports in the olympics. They already have women dressed in bikinis running around in sand. Yet, they feel the need to roll out the Olympic beach dancers. No medal, no competition, just some entertainment. It’s like having having a bikini model contest intermission during a bikini model contest.

That’s to say it’s great.

Nope. That’s an Olympic tradition that seems like it might stand the test of time. I’m thinking the 2016 Olympics in Rio might really revolutionize  the beach dancers in a few years.

Olympics…Man Up!

-Brock

 

UvT Fantasy Football 2012

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We’re going to run the league again.

Who’s In? Will KCTheTruth defend his title? Will KCTheTruth ever receive the UvTee I promised him last year? Your guess is as good as mine. Respond in the comments if you want to get in.

Bonus? It’s run by Jezus. That’s right, even our fantasy football is blessed.

I’m picking T.O. in the first round. I think he’s about to have a break out season.

Details later.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Dirk Nowitzki Needs To Man Down

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It’s Baseball season so I’m going to have to reach back into the NBA season for this one. I was a bit disappointed in the Dallas Mavericks this season. I think they really fell off. In the finals last season, Dirk Nowitzki was completely unstoppable. People were talking best player in the league. People were talking about him being the best international player ever (maybe). People were talking about him being top ten all time (getdafuggouttahere). I will say this, respect for the dude for working on his crossover and dating the black woman.

She’s bad too. But for Dirk this was just the beginning. He didn’t just want the Black fiancee, he really wanted to get involved in the black community. First he went with the obvious stuff.

No creativity there. But that’s a good start. Why not shoot right for the top. Get down with president Obama. After this Dirk apparently watched all the classics. New Jack City, Boyz in the the Hood, Juice, Hollywood Shuffle, Friday, he just immersed himself in Black culture. The Mavs didn’t win this year because Dirk was studying all of Black History month. He just didn’t have time for hoops. But he had to show his lady he was ready to keep it real.

Then it all went terribly wrong.

You see, even part of being on the inside of the culture is knowing which pieces of the culture you don’t really have to go for. Which pieces you need to shut down. Dirk doesn’t know when to pump the breaks. He’s trying to man up to prove how down he is for his lady, but he might need to man down on this one.

Check it out.

Dear Dirk, even Black people don’t break out the traditional African gear…especially not with the hat. Never the hat dude. Can you imagine seeing this guy? He’s seven feet tall! That hat makes him 7’3″. The hat might actually brush up against the bottom of the net of a regulation NBA goal. I hear in the town he was in, people reported seeing a tiny hovering orange UFO flying through the sky.

Believe it or not, it gets worse.

He got up on that Conga line? (Errrrrr…maybe in this instance it is a congo line?). I hope it worked out for you Dirk, you really went all out. There has never been a challenge in the history of The Bachelor or For the Love of anyone that has gone this hard.

Dirk, I usually use this space to tell someone to Man Up, but I’m going to tell you to Man Down. We know you love that girl…but you don’t have to do all this. No means No man. You don’t have to go out like this. Here’s a tip, if your lady says she really needs you to go out into the jungle for a three day tour with nothing but a knife, three leaves and a canteen of water, just say “nah baby, I ain’t going no where.” That’s all it takes. I believe in you.

Dirk Nowitzki…Man Up and Man the hell Down.

-Brock

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