Paula Deen is Racist…Surprises No One

Apparently Paula Deen uses the N-word.

thats_racist_animated1

I actually love the fact that Paula Deen is keeping it real. You all know you’ve said some terrible, racist stuff when in your home and in the company of your friends. I’m gonna give Paula Deen credit for not being a liar like the rest of us. If you think about it, there is really nowhere for her to hide. [Read more...]

Tiger Woods is the Samson of Golf

You know the biblical story of Samson don’t you? He had super strength as long as he didn’t cut his hair, but ultimately had such a soft spot for prostitutes he gave up his power? Sound familiar?

Now I’m not going to say that Tiger Woods is powered by the nordic blonde hair of white women…I’m just going to provide a brief pictorial history of Tiger Woods and let you decide. [Read more...]

This is the (Second) Greatest Thing I’ve Ever Seen Ray J Do

Oh Ray J. I’m still not exactly sure why you’re famous. That’s not to say you aren’t actually famous or that you don’t deserve it. You act, you make music, you have famous family members. All the stuff that make famous people famous…Unfortunately, you also have all of the shit that makes people who aren’t actually real famous, famous too. [Read more...]

Miley Cyrus Does The Most Interesting Thing She’s Done In a LONG Time

I actually don’t think I’ve ever written the words “Miley Cyrus” on this site in the 6 years I’ve been doing this. But when the most searched term of the weekend is “Miley Cyrus Twerking”, I had to take a look. If you haven’t seen the video, here it is. [Read more...]

The 90′s Strike Back: Topanga

Before we get to the details here I have to admit two things:

1. I pretty much think Maxim is a useless magazine. It’s like a horrible version of Playboy (which is a horrible version of itself) and probably would have killed in the 90′s as the “right on the other side of being technically porn” line, but when you can get actual porn and boobs on the internet instantaneously it’s pretty much irrelevant. You can’t even pretend it is the writing. How many different ways can you tell us what kind of guy we are based on whether we drink Miller Lite, Coors, or Bud? It’s awful.
[Read more...]

Does Miss Delaware Have A Porno? We Can Crack The Case

Long time readers of the site know that we have a strict “no porn” policy. I’m not going to watch it myself, and you shouldn’t either, but that isn’t going to stop me from reviewing it. Let’s see what I can gather from the pictures.

melissa-king-miss-delaware-sex-tape-star

That’s Melissa King, the former Miss Delaware.

[Read more...]

Pole Dancing Goes South of the Border

I’m just going to come out and say it. I was wrong. I don’t say it often so pay attention. I’ve got a unified theory of stripperdom. While it appears to be a continuum, I argue that pole dancing and hard core porn are essentially the same thing. The details are here if you care to review.

But I’ve come around. If you pole dance hard enough, you actually travel all the way down to the continuum, past the freaky side and someone become legitimate again. I know it’s crazy. It was all inspired by the Miss Pole Dancing South America competition. They took to the streets to advertise their skills.

You know an ad like that forced me to find more. I’m usually not down with an attempt to pole dance on random objects, it can turn out very badly.

But they didn’t just hit the pole, they also got creative, proving you don’t need a pole to pole dance.

Although I will say the chick who decided to do a split face-first on the 9th stair of a subway probably doesn’t have all her shit together. There is also what I believe to be a man-taint situation over on the right that I don’t want to talk about and don’t need any further information on.

But the real trouble started once the competition began. I mean we are talking about the best in the world, so you know it was going to get sexy fast.

That is actually a strong showing right there. Hovering in the air as if she’s on the ground. She’s focused. She looks like she falls directly into my theory. She’s $3,000 from doing that with no clothes on, sending her down the slippery slope. I looked for more and the whole thing took a hard left. What once was sexy, turned into something completely different.

Will someone tell me what this is and who it appeals to?

Because there is nothing sexy about this at all. Which makes me think this really is some kind of athletic event. Because there is no stripper value here at all. This move is not needed or wanted in a club. Can it get worse? Of course it does or it wouldn’t be worth talking about.

Yeah, that’s just all bad. Maybe the still shot doesn’t do it justice…but I have to say I’m pretty sure the mere existence of this photo means there is no justice in the world. She’s holding herself up in the air with her back and one knee-pit. She decided “nude” was the best expression of her costume creativity. She’s smiling like she knows you like it.

And maybe you do.

Sick bastard.

So I’m amending my position. This is clearly a sport of some kind because these moves have no value in the real world. I’m sure they win $1,000, some pole shine, and the respect and admiration of their peers, so that’s got to be totally worth it.

-Brock

 

Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys :) Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

http://youtu.be/3wmkVco4_IE

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.

-Brock