Brock & Lake take on the world...
Long time readers of the site know that we have a strict “no porn” policy. I’m not going to watch it myself, and you shouldn’t either, but that isn’t going to stop me from reviewing it. Let’s see what I can gather from the pictures.
That’s Melissa King, the former Miss Delaware.
There are some times when this site just isn’t about jokes. Sometimes I just have to step up and address things that go way too far. Things that are completely unacceptable. This is one of those stories.
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I love when athletes are forced to make confessions. It’s one of the most ridiculous moments in all of sports. Has anyone who has EVER been accused of taking steroids been clean? One person? Ever? Has “I don’t know what was in that supplement” ever worked? I know Carl Lewis is glad he ran back in the days of hightop fades and no internet because I’m sure he would not make it in the modern era. But Lance really takes the cake.
You know what the Lance Armstrong “confession” showed me? That, whether you are on the juice or not, there is a certain attitude it takes to be the best in the world at something. To be so competitive that you will put yourself through the hardest race on the planet and win it SEVEN times, while lying, and rotating dirty blood with clean blood and all the crazy stuff Lance had to do to always pass his drug tests and deny it for over ten years is that YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF. That dude is an asshole. He convinced himself that because of his recovery from his cancer that he was just leveling the playing field by taking drugs. We always talk about how special you have to be to be a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, a Kobe Bryant, a Brett Favre. We’re talking about indisputable, first ballot hall of famers, these guys are narcissistic jerks across the board. I guess you have to be. But seriously, you have to be a real dick to get away with winning the biggest race in your sport when you’re cheating and do it SIX MORE TIMES.
Damn Lance. You didn’t want to get two or three and shut it down? You really couldn’t stop before you were the most dominant athlete on the planet? They probably would have let you keep two yellow jerseys, but they weren’t gonna let you keep 7 of them.
I blame Floyd Landis. Lance had the best “I’m not on steroids” game of all time. There was nothing that could be pinned on him for the better part of a decade. Floyd Landis wins ONE Tour De France and he gets pinned before he could cross back over the Seine river and get out of the country.
Here’s my new rule. All athletes are on SOMETHING. Athletes stay on the cutting edge. Everyone at my gym is looking for an edge. Protein, creatine, weed, liquor, whatever. If it alters you for the better, they are on it. I stay hopped up on a custom cocktail of green tea, Hendrick’s Gin and Twerk Team videos. It gives me a real edge in this blog game.
Lance Armstong managed to apologize to the entire world while still coming off like he’d probably do it again. He’s like every other horrible bike dude that all of us have to deal with every day. That guy who wants to run stop lights. Who wants to be fully in a car lane like he’s actually a car. The guy who takes his seat off of his bike because he doesn’t want anyone to steal his sweet gel saddle…on steroids…literally.
This is cutting off abruptly because no one actually gives a damn about cycling. My bad.
-Brock
It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:
On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys 
Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck
Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.
I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.
http://youtu.be/3wmkVco4_IE
She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.
But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.
In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.
-Brock
General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.
The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.
The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.
I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.
10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose
9. Young Guns
8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman
7. Four Star General: The Best There Is
6. Head of the Military
5. CIA: Consumed In Ass
4. Extreme Military Pressure
3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick
2. The Rise of General Petraeus
1. The Surge
The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.
Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.
Jill Kelley also:
1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)
2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)
3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)
All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.
Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.
Lesson learned.
-Brock
Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?
He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.
This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.
Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.
Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.
Say what?
Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?
Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.
Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.
I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.
Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad, just sad.
-Brock
We’ve covered a lot of kinds of cheating. We’ve covered people who cheat with women significantly less attractive than their women. We’ve covered sex addicts. But we’ve never really covered what constitutes cheating.
Because there is a whole range of cheating that really deserves some discussion.
Let’s start with the easy stuff. If you have sex with a woman who is not your wife or girlfriend, you are a cheater. That’s black and white. Everyone agres that is cheating. After that, I think things are up for grabs, stick with me here.
Blow jobs.
Now I know everyone wants to throw this directly in the “definitely cheating” category, but we have to follow the logic. If a girl considers herself a virgin until she has regular, non oral sex, then can oral sex always be cheating? So when you’re a virgin suckin dack doesn’t count, but once you give it up, it is violation number one? That’s not fair. If you aren’t cheating on your virginity, as bestowed upon you by the lord himself, can you really be cheating on your significant other? Not so easy anymore is it? Let’s call it up for discussion for now.
Let’s jump to the other end of the spectrum.
Emotional cheating: Non-contact? That’s bullshit. Moving on.
Strip club:
This appears to be a important carve out on the cheating spectrum. A mostly naked woman grinding into your pelvis with nothing between you and her but a friction worn bathing suit bottom seems like it could go either way. Obviously we aren’t talking any action back to the Champagne room and end up in another category…wait a minute, fackin in the champagne room is only an illusion. That’s still cool too. This is another example of how men have already won. This carve out is already set in stone. It’s a designated, demilitarized, no cheat zone, we love it. Thanks.
Kissing: This is an extension of the emotional cheating. Unacceptable in a relationship, but may not be a game killer.
Hand job:
I believe we have all agreed in this forum that the hand job is the saddest form of sex possible. Yet because nuts will potentially busted it is firmly under consideration and possibility for cheating. I have to say this is certainly the worst possible way to go out. If you gotta give up half for a handy, you have just made the worst bargain of all time. Also, hands are deliberate, intimate, and very intentional. Too much risk, not enough reward here, steer clear.
So where is the sweet spot? I was pondering this while listening to the inspiring lyrics of 2 chainz. Poetry if you will.
(UPDATE: after clicking that link, I should warn you it contains loud audio. While the idea of 2 Chainz erupting into your office talking about “Chestnuts” makes me laugh, I would be a dick not to add this disclaimer…which means I almost didn’t add this disclaimer.)
That’s right, Us Versus Them is endorsing the titty f*ck as the greatest balance of cheating and sexual pleasure. It is the strip club of sex. Your dack never technically enters anything. You are still in contact with the sexy…boob men have to find this appealing. And it is possible to still get a full bust. I feel like a hitting those J’s is nothing more than masturbation using someone else’s body, so go for it. Just make sure she doesn’t kiss the tip at the top of the stroke, then you move into oral sex and that’s a violation. If you want to execute this technique, you must be technically sound to ensure you remain within the parameters of our carefully constructed exception.
Feel free to use this post and the logic contained within as proper authority to try this advice. But Us Versus Them is not responsible for any consequences.
I feel like I just cracked the code on this one. I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.
-Brock
Now, I normally like to talk people out of watching sex tapes. They are disgusting, they’re never good, they are bad for society, and never as sexy as you think it will be. But the Hulk Hogan sex tape pretty much talks you out of watching it on its own. Here are the only two facts you need about the Hulk Hogan sextape.
1. Hulk Hogan is 59 years old.
2. Hulk Hogan looks like this:
Are you really going to plug “Hulk Hogan Sextape” into Google now. The line has to be drawn somewhere. There are some things you don’t need to see simply because they exist. Why do you need to see a Hulk Hogan sextape. It can’t be because you want to see the Hulkster naked. The guys has been famous for wearing high boots, knee pads and yellow underwear.
Sure, you can watch two men greased up in underwear and boots every Monday, but two pics of Hulk Hogan in one post while talking about a sextape and it’s starting to get really gay in here isn’t it?
Why did the Hulkster wait this long to rock the sex tape? I mean dude was on top for a solid 20 years through the 80′s and 90′s. You know he was out there making little Hulkamaniacs all over the country. He should have got the sex tape done when he could still actually feel his knees.
Okay, if you have to watch the sextape, go ahead. There is one good reason to watch the tape. The woman in the tape, Heather Clem.
At least the Hulkster is still pulling down top shelf quality. While Hogan was surprised by the tape, I love the fact that he was NOT surprised by the fact that he could randomly bang out a bad chick upon walking into a random bedroom at his friends house.
That’s all I need to know that Hulk has been getting with the ladies since the eighties. I feel like I’m closer to one of my childhood heroes. Vitamins, Prayers, Training, Steroids and Tail.
Team Us.
-Brock
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The comments are too good to risk people missing them, check it:
Slick Jefferson: I can’t bring myself to watch that tape. I can’t ever think about The Hulkster and the 24-inch, err, pythons doing anything else.
Mr. Jezus: Someone tell me he at least did the Hulk Shirt rip before he laid it down?
Ian Summers: I just want to know from someone who watched the video, how many times did he refer to her as “brother!”?
Brock (yeah, I’m quoting myself in the third person): I hear when he pulled his dack out he looked at ol girl and said “WHAT ‘CHA GONNA DOOOO?”
