Oh Ray J. I’m still not exactly sure why you’re famous. That’s not to say you aren’t actually famous or that you don’t deserve it. You act, you make music, you have famous family members. All the stuff that make famous people famous…Unfortunately, you also have all of the shit that makes people who aren’t actually real famous, famous too. [Read more…]
I was looking through my hilarious archives, (Like THIS joint. That’s just good life advice) and realized that we used to do a lot of TV show reviews on the site. I stopped doing it, but I still watch a LOT of damn tv, so I decided to bring it back. Then I realized, I don’t actually watch the shows people care about. Lake used to watch those soft ass shows that people want to discuss. So I’m starting something new. Reviews of shows I don’t actually watch.
Let’s start with the Voice.
I only know three out of those four people, one only in name. But it does remind me that C-Lo used to be in Goodie Mob, which was a really great, thugged out ATL group.
No sequins there. Although those shorts are pretty fashionably adventurous for a rap group when C-Lo assumes that stance.
So the Voice is a show where the judges face backward while someone sings. They are judging the singer only by their voice, not by what they look like. So the judges create teams by sound, so they might end up with someone who might not look like a star but may sound like one. Just like when you are lost and driving your car, apparently you can only listen when you concentrate really hard as opposed to when you normally listen. You’ve got to squint and strain to make sure you can hear.
The funny thing is this would be a great concept if they let it play all the way out. Imagine how big of a finale they would have if you really judged just one voice for the entire season and didn’t get to see them until you picked a finalist then had to work with it. THAT would be a challenge. Instead, as soon as they get past the first round it basically turns into American Idol with teams, also known as X-Factor. (Which I also don’t watch).
The crazy thing is that the teams end up being pretty obvious. If you are a rocker, you pick Adam. Country, Blake. If you can really sing big, you go with Christina. And if you are crazy nut job, you go with C-Lo.
Aren’t these shows all the same? Isn’t someone the mean one like Simon Cowell if Simon Cowell isn’t available? How many of these shows do we really need. Can we really find four completely unknown singers a year and pretend like they are going to be stars? Actually that doesn’t even matter. I’m completely down with the show. Why? Because it allows C-Lo to do this.
Any show where the producer approves C-Lo to stroke a white fuzzy cat in every interview as if he is plotting to take over the world is okay with me. He looks so serious about it too. Actually, I think the cat actually looks more serious than he does. In fact, maybe the cat is the mean judge, and C-Lo is just his pawn, controlled by telepathy.
So without watching this show, I’m able to determine it is about an evil cat who is trying to take over the world using C-Lo as his pawn. If someone can confirm that for me, I’ll watch it.
This is fun. I need to not watch a few more shows.
Oh Rihanna. What don’t we love about you? You have been consistent for years. You are comfortable with your sexuality. You don’t seem to have a problem getting naked. All we need is a sextape and she will have hit for the cycle.
I don’t know what Kadooment day is in Barbados, but I do like the way they celebrate it.
It’s just like the UvT office parties. Lots of skin, drank in hand, bodies everywhere. But we are talking about RiRi here, so you know she really got it in.
That’s my girl. I like how that drink isn’t touching the ground on this move. She’s a pro. My man back there is focused too.
Gotta let the ladies get some too. Is there anything better than a good look back? This isn’t her first time with that move.
Gratuitous Angle 3?
Sure, why not?
I like the goodbye shot though.
That young lady looks solid. Stout. That hip tattoo is killin. The J’s are barely being contained, the stomach game is so tight it is giving off a glow.
She has a gift.
She gets it in at about the 0:34 second mark. Can someone rip a gif of that for me? It’s got a little extra bounce on it.
As Smokey would say “not a got damn thang”.Â When I saw H-Town and Jodeci in “Knocking Your Heels” I thought I was going to get “Knocking Boots” crossed with “Come and Talk to Me” as two super groups come together to form like some R&B Voltron.Â Boy was I wrong…
Man I had such high hopes and they were all dashed from the start.Â They kick the video off with the classic sexy R&B breakdown from Devante’ Swing that was an absolute debacle.Â He’s looked like he was on that stuff since long about three weeks after “Forever My Lady”.
Does he have a pony tail in the video?Â Did someone scream “Shazaaaaam!” right at the beginning of the video?Â I can’t get past 15 seconds without this video being hilarious.Â Then the chorus is “Knockin yo heels off”.Â Nothing like a rough sex ballad that sounds like a beat down to get the ladies going.Â When did the dude from H-Town forget how to sing.
K-Ci wearing an ascot at 1:35.
Only a crackhead could think that ascot is reasonable.
Did anyone else think they were getting a classic K-Ci “Hooo-Yeah!” at 1:50?
First hooo-yeah at 3:15!
“Your bodyeee, my, my, my, my, cause I’m gonna knock yo heels off” is not what I need in a jack of a great R. Kelly song.
And keeping with the classic formula, Mr. Dalvin doesn’t do anything but show up.
Then these cats come up with the follow up track with the turrible H-Town varsity jackets.
Is that joint called “Call me Mr. Pac-Man”?Â Cause I get under the covers?Â Sounds like great lyrics when you are sitting around drinking Crown, but that song makes Christmas Boots sound like “I will remember you” in comparison.Â Hell, why not, we’re about to get to the holiday season, I’ll run the worlds worst Christmas song, “Knocking Boots for Christmas”, right now.
See, sometimes a little good and turrible is all you need to cheer you up.
I know Brock laid out (no homo) a clown with some heels, nipple huggerz and hot shawt shorts yesterday, but this sh*t is getting ridiculous:
Come on man.. like, seriously.Â Is this where we are with manhood in America?Â And yes, that is Sheree from Real Housewives of Atlanta right there with her crazy ass stylist/make up artist.Â Why does sh*t like this always happen in Atlanta?Â And is this a trend now?Â Men in heels?Â Jesus.
Lord help.Â I hate that dude is looking like a bitch made (so you know that’s real bitchy) version of Wanye from Boys II Men.Â And what’s ole dude doing in the back, getting his chuckle on.Â Ain’t shit funny about this.Â This is a crisis I tell you.Â I mean, I’m a liberal cat, but there’s no way in hell a dude should feel this comfortable in public with some strappy heels, a foot wide gap tooth (lawd help us all) and a damn purse.Â These cats are like those extra aggressive squirrels that just roll up on people and demand food.Â They don’t have that healthy fear anymore.Â I know cats want to go “extra fabulous” but come on, show some damn respect.Â Damn, I mean, is there anything more that can be said?
Nothing says empowerment like $400,000 of airbrush, some silicone-saline polymer enforced titties sittin on high and some collagen lips busting out at the seams.Â No this aint Lil Kim Back to the Future Edition, I’m talking about the movements of the ULTIMATE feminist, so strong that you can hear her bare arse roar, Aubrey O’Day!Â Sample the skanky goodness:
Ok, Ok, here is the “Pure” NSFW pic. Yall knew I’d hook it up.
Well, damn, I can’t really lie to yall.Â These pics look A LOT better than I thought they would.Â Let’s peep some more, shall we?
Sheeeit, even Puff had to let me know there was gold in them hills!!!!Â haaaaÂ I mean, look at his expression.Â I rarely ride my own, because it’s just unbecoming.Â But I don’t think I’ve EVER nailed a Puff pic like this.Â HAAAA, I love it.
Back to the lady though, Aubrey done blew way past serviceable to completely doable in this joint.Â I can’t tell if I’m in love with a stripper or a photoshop artist.Â Either way, that Nordic Track is talking to a Nilla.Â I mean, work from mid thigh, all the way to arch of the back.Â It’s a treacherous path, but you gotta respect it.Â And that wild Zebra died for a good cause to, because this picture is giving me everydamnthing I want as a Post Obama white dude with Hip Hop influence, European luxuries and a whole fist fulla game.Â Dammit, can that ass be real?Â I’m dubious.
Hot dammit.Â Wow.Â I mean, that ass is so cold even if them calves are anemic (yes, that was a Kanye, Diamonds reference for all you suckers and that “Name on the cake” is from Stuntin Like My Daddy, Wayne, just to keep it all honest).Â Damn, so it’s official.Â Aubrey looks RIGHT in these pictures.Â I can’t believe it.Â It’s a far cry from her completely AHNT look she displayed on Making the Band 4 last season.Â Remember?
But it’s a new day now:
And while I’m not a big fan of this Jenna Jamison 2.0 look, that hip game on the left flank there cannot be overlooked.Â Can we burn the weave already though?Â But you know who’s looking at these are really hatin’ his life right now?
Ha, come on now.Â It’s not Puff, first of all, does anyone have a better life than this cat?Â Plus he already hit…Nah, I meant THIS dude:
Not only did his album “Donnie: Struggling on the Klang Gang”Â go Triple Limestone on the Billboard Charts, but he missed his opportunity to get his Nick Lachey on so he can finally become a thousandaire.Â Anyway, enough on that cat, let’s get back to what’s important, the feminist empowerment Aubrey is reclaiming by virtue of pure tits and ass!
I mean, I cannot lie, some of these shots done made me have to rethink my position on the extra thick, already ate the ham sandwich vanilla sister and her ability to embrace change I can believe in.Â On the real, Aubrey really cleaned up nice in this joint. And I can’t lie, I know more now than I did before and I like it.Â I know that airbrush dude errrr her mama errr that doctor did a nice job on the look, fit and feel of those J’s relative to location and size of that nipple (Dammit, I said it because nobody else will).Â Because Aubrey’s breasts are looking fantabulous right here, giving hope to any under funded babe that with technological improvements, enough stripper glitter and a whole lot of “balls” you can have exquisite boobs too!Â The thing is, I never appreciated them until they were packaged up/exposed (the irony of that statement) by Playboy, so I don’t know if I can trust it.Â I may need that Aubrey O’Day Sex Tape, which we all know is coming just as soon as that Playboy cash gets all spent up, to verify if it’s Dr. 90210 or truly the power of Playboy that made it right.
Now that would be a crazy tape.Â Anyway, I have to applaud Aubrey because let’s face it, she came from WAAAAAY back to fix herself up.Â Let’s not forget this:
Reborn into this?
Hmmm, all I can say is, D. Woods..Â You got next.
But in the meantime, Aubrey, you go girl!Â AHNT
Some cats talk about R. Kelly being the King of R&B.Â Some think Bobby Brown has that crown.Â They’re all wrong.Â Nah, the real Kang of R&B is me, dasrite, Lake n Bake.Â I’m the King of R&B.Â And here is my new favorite R&B cut, McNuggets Lovin’ by Mickey D’s.
“Girl you got a 10 piece please don’t be stingy” is a great line.Â And honestly, if your lady won’t share her McNuggets with you, you need to dump her.Â I’m not sure why, but the true line of love demarcation begins and ends with a woman’s (un)willingness to share delicious fast food with her man.Â Anyway, that commercial was hot, but it aint as good as my favorite McNuggets Commercial ever:
“McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT, McNuggets McNuggets WHAT!!!”Â Awesome.Â Ha.Â I can’t lie, though I’m probably the only cat who likes these commercials more than the tv they leach off of, but the Freecreditreport.com commercials are hot.Â Especially the half sing, half rap, Kanye inspired “too bad my credit was wack” joints. ha
“Now instead of lookin fly and rollin fat, my legs are stickin vinyl and my posse’s getting laughed at.”Â haaa Now that’s hot.Â Can’t say I can identify, but that’s great.Â Genius.Â Somebody needs to mix that sh*t into a song in a club.