Vladimir Putin is the President of Russia and every time we see him he’s doing something awesome. This is no exception. [Read more...]
It was going to happen one day. 50 Cent, the originator of Damn Homey was going to have a Damn Homey moment of his own.
Manti Te’o's life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.
I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.
Did. Not. Exist.
Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?
I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.
It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.
The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.
The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.
I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.
Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.
One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.
It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:
On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck
Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.
I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.
She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.
But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.
In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.
General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.
The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.
The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.
I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.
10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose
9. Young Guns
8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman
7. Four Star General: The Best There Is
6. Head of the Military
5. CIA: Consumed In Ass
4. Extreme Military Pressure
3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick
2. The Rise of General Petraeus
1. The Surge
The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.
Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.
Jill Kelley also:
1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)
2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)
3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)
All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.
Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.
Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?
He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.
This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.
Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.
Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.
Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?
Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.
Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.
I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.
Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad, just sad.