UvT Exclusive: I Have PROOF OJ Simpson is NOT Khloe Kardashian’s Dad

6 Comments

I don’t need DNA evidence, I’m just going to use common sense. Come with me now won’t you?

While Kim is the Kardashian who rose to fame with a sex tape and an inspirational tail piece, the most controversial Kardashian might just be Khloe.

Why? Well, some people say they don’t exactly know how she fits in to the family. She’s about 6 inches taller than everyone else in her family and she looks a little different. You know what’s messed up, I had their ages all wrong. I basically assigned them ages by size. But Kourtney (the little one) is the oldest, and Khloe (the big one) is actually the youngest. See, there is the important information I need from Wikipedia. I’m so glad it didn’t get shut down last week. How else would be know intimate information about tenuously defined celebrities. Anyway, in the most diabolically genius headline to come out of the tabloids in a long time, they are saying the OJ Simpson is Khloe’s REAL dad.

How many times has OJ Simpson been sitting around by himself and said “You know what? My life CAN’T get any worse”. Yet, dude just cant win.

I will say this, OJ Simpson was a good 7 inches taller than Khloe’s dad Robert Kardashian.

That’s Robert on the left right next to OJ with the Pauly D hair. SO that would explain Khloe’s size and height. It’s actually the first time anyone has come up with an explanation of why Khloe looks so different. That’s why everyone wants to accept it. But here’s my thing. Let’s concentrate on the story that had to go down to make it happen. There are only a few scenarios.

1. OJ Simpson and Robert Kardashian are good friends. OJ was kicking it at the crib and rolled up on Kris one night. For that to happen, OJ would have to give up his long proclivity for blonde women. I just don’t believe that happened.

2. If you take the three Kardashian sisters and you have to pick one to be the one who has the black father…wouldn’t you pick the one with the gigantic ass who loves to date Black men? Why isn’t anyone pinning Kim on OJ?

3. They are trying to say Khloe looks like OJ’s daughter Sidney.

That’s the worst evidence ever assembled right there. Those two women look nothing alike.

So I’m going to let OJ off the hook right now.  There is no way he is the father of Khloe Kardashian. Now everyone leave that poor girl alone. She’s already the big little sister. Now you are going to try to pin her with a probable murderer who is in jail. At this point OJ might want to be the father. Khloe is married to a Lamar Odom, she’s got a tv show and makes her own money. OJ would be on Maury hoping the paternity test comes back positive.

OJ…you ARE the father.

-Brock

 

Just in: ‘Cause this is Killlllller!!!!!!

5 Comments

Well, I don’t know how you feel about Conrad Murray.  I happen to think he’s at least half responsible for the death of The King of Pop.   As much as I missed MJ, what I am now in deep thought about is this Dr Conrad Murray character.    He just got sent straight to jail.  Possibility of 4 years.   He’s going to be sentenced on November 29th.  The judge could’ve let him chill at home for the next 3 weeks, hang out with family, pay off his bills for the next 4 years and get busy with any of the 5 ladies we were introduced to over the course of the trial (yikes).

The good Doctor clearly still had his pimp game tight though.

But naaaaah meng.   The judge, like almost all of us, grew up with Jacko.   No way the guy who killed the guy who made Billie Jean doesn’t go straight to jail immediately.   He knows that Conrad would do a bunch of interviews and make a documentary ala TI called the Last Days of Conrad Murray.   And that’s really what it would be…his last days.   He ain’t making it 4 years. There is not a prison in the world that half the inmates aren’t MJ fans.  Smart money says somebody offs him on the first day like Chad’s dad in Dave Chappelle’s Mad Real World

 

 

It’s a wrap for the good doctor.  THE worst thing that could happen to him though is if he ends up in this prison here…

 

 

Four years of living the video Thriller day in and day out, and they immediately replace the “woman” in the routine with the good doctor.    Sorry Doc, you made your bed, and Michael’s.   If you can survive the next 4 years, there’s a book with your name on it waiting for you.  I’ve already picked the cover.

 

Don’t drop the soap homay!

 

-Mike

Another Example of Why I Love the Internet

1 Comment

The internet is fast, the internet is smart, the internet is relentless. There is no time to get left behind. The internet assumes you are up on everything. So what did the internet do this week?

They took some Casey Anthony:

And added one cup of OJ

And sprinkle in some Antoine Dodson of Bed Intruder Fame:

And you get this.

Or even better, you get this:

A lot of people are saying that Casey Anthony is the white OJ. That is a bit of a misnomer. The reason OJ was such a big deal is because black people NEVER get over on the justice system. There is no such thing as a white OJ, most of the white people who have ever been on the stand are the white OJ. That’s the whole point of the OJ outrage.

I will say that OJ might be the only person in the world Casey Anthony can hang out with. No one is going to be willing to give her a legitimate job, but EVERYONE is going to be pissed when she lands a reality show and a book deal. She’s not gonna get an office job, okay? No one is going to trust her with that, and from the pictures she wasn’t exactly on track for that anyway. You know we will be tracking it here at UvT.

-Brock

Classic Advertising: OJ Dingo?

Ok, I know what you’re thinking:  Rex, haven’t you let off enough steam on OJ already?  I think that’s right, but imagine my surprise when I found this gem above!  Was it politically correct back in the day to market a product on the basis of race and dack size?

Come on the inferences are inescapable here.  First, OJ has three legs.  Now imagine what that third leg is supposed to represent.  So let me get this straight – if I wear these Dingo boots, my third leg will grow to be the same size as my other two?  So long that I’ll need to wear a boot on it? BRILLIANT! Where do I pick them summabiches up?  I like how that third leg propped it up on the logo too, pimp style instead of just hanging low.

Then the double (really triple) entendre on the word “dingo.” Priceless.  A dingo is really a wild Australian dog: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dingo.  And isn’t it ironic that, according to a noteworthy source, “as a result of interbreeding with dogs introduced by EUROPEAN settlers, the purebred dingo gene pool is in decline?”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dingo#Conservation_status.  So now I get the connection, the dingo interbreeds with Europeans and so does OJ:

This ad is getting more brilliant by the minute.  Then there’s the real obvious play on “dingo:”

MANDINGO! OJ, how could you miss this?  Don’t you see the first line on the poster: “Expect the savage?”  YOU’RE the savage fool.  I mean I know you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but didn’t you realize the makers of these “Dingo” boots were clowning you because you’re African American?

And they just kept it going:

So that looks pretty harmless right?  That’s until you focus in on the slide that’s really meant for emphasis:

Ha.  “I’ve got to put something ‘special’ on my feet after a good game.”  Remember the first pic above with the boot on the “third leg?”  This is plainly and simply an implication that if OJ plays well, he’ll be putting something “special” on his third leg after the game.  After all “nobody puts leather together like Dingo”.  I bet ol’ Juice knows how to put some leather together himself.  I know Chris Berman is down with that. Another covert racist dig on OJ’s blackness.  And that last slide in the full comic strip is priceless too.  OJ standing next to his “boot” which is larger than he is.  The “boot” might as well be this:

So basically the whole theme of the ad is if you wear Dingo boots, you’ll actually turn into Mandingo and in no time, you’ll be f’ing like him too.

OJ completely missed it though, and we know this because he followed up this series of ads for Dingo boots with an add for Spot Bilt:

Holy moly OJ.  Didn’t you ever stop to think that the emphasis might be on the word “spot,” as in you black spot OJ?

READ THE AD FOOL!  Don’t you see there in the third paragraph that the company draws a distinction between “Juicemobiles,” for little black boys, and “LITEmobiles,” for the white kid?  Then they hit you with that, “there’s a pair that’s priced right and made right to fit every kind of OJ.”  Ha.  Subtle racism is a mofo.  I know, I know, I’ve gone too far.  I’m paranoid right?  I see racism everywhere.

Just know this.  If they come up to ol Wall Street Rex to be in a story about Black Friday I’m not going for it.  I’m not going to talk about my stocks “being in the Black”, they can’t get me to say how my “strong positions outperform the market”. I see it coming from a mile away.

Well, OJ doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.  Hope he’s got his Dingo’s strapped up tight.  There are some Cowboys out there looking to put some leather together for sure.

– Rex

Enters Wall Street Rex: Truth and Juice-stice

Yo, what’s up UvT.  Long time reader, first time sh*t talker (in this forum).  For those who don’t know me, I’m Wall Street Rex, one of Lake and Brock’s boys from school and I’ve got some things to say, so I’m going to say them.  But unlike these other cats who come on here, I aint asking for permission.  On the real, Brock and Lake don’t need to hear how hype this site is and I’m not here to earn your respek.  Truth be told, YOU should be happy to hear from ME.  I come, not from the streets, but from The Street and I’mma stay there until I’m good and ready, OK?  lol

So don’t hate me because of the bailout, hate this rolly, this armani, my ladies and that summer I just spent in the Hamptons.  Now that we got that out of the way, let’s go ahead and talk about a cat that needs a lil chin checkin….and how I feel about him.

OJ Simpson used to be my guy.

I loved this guy:

And had even learned to like this guy:

But, I can’t stand this guy:

This is the guy who lost it and started acting like a nicker (hereinafter defined as “a black man who tries to act like a white man”).  Now throughout this article I’m going to use words like nicker (defined above), including the word ”nickerish,” “nickerize,” and “nickerdom,” which are derived from the word nicker.  I will also use the phrase ”YT” (defined as “white America”).  No offense to anyone, but Rex has to speak his mind on this one.

So somewhere down the line I guess OJ let the fame go to his head and started acting like a real nicker.  And he did it in a BIG WAY!  I mean the first rule of non-nickerdom is you DO NOT disrespect the YT woman (in public).  I mean even I don’t do that and I’m from the Street!

OJ not only failed to obey this rule, but he really took it to that next level of nonobedience.

Now seriously OJ, why in the world would you play yourself like that?  You should’ve at least kept your head down; then you’re just another black man with an afro.  But no, not OJ the YT man.  He gots to get the credit for being up in that prize possession.  I think YT’s reaction to this is best summed up by Hillary:

Or maybe McCain has it even more right:

And, while Barack sort of understands and kind of feels you, he, in the cool, calm way that typifies him, is expressing his disappointment as well:

But public scrutiny wasn’t enough to stop OJ.  Instead, as Britney Spears would say, “oops [he] did it again, [he] played with [her] heart, got lost in the game, oh baby.”

”

Are you f’ing serious?  First of all, that babe is on point so I have to give credit where credit is due (which, apparently is nowhere in the current credit crisis. Lol.  Just a little Wall Street humor).  But is OJ hittin’ it with the orange triple fat goose one piece (which ironically resembles a prison uniform) and allowing himself to be filmed while so doing?  And that facial expression — is he just shocked he got caught on tape or, even worse, did he finish prematurely before even taking his clothes off?  Now that would be some real nickerish stuff right there. Lol.  Rex on Fire!

Then OJ violated the cardinal rule and said “I do” to YT:

And it all went very quickly downhill from there:

But, OJ had one more trick up his sleeve and he pulled it off in fine fashion when he achieved the ultimate triumph:  He became the first black man to ever be able to buy his way out of a crime HE ACTUALLY COMMITTED.  Believe me folks, this was a tremendous achievement, ok? And every black person in America knew this!  Do you remember those post-verdict celebrations?  I mean black folks were literally turning cartwheels when that verdict was announced:

Of course, YT saw it differently:

OJ had literally pulled off the biggest magic trick of the century:

And he should’ve just ridden off into the sunset:

But of course that didn’t happen because OJ is an IDIOT!  Rather than realizing his good fortune, OJ continued to act like YT EVEN AFTER HE WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY!  First, this cat started to act like YT by making all these public appearances saying he didn’t do it. Yeah uhm right OJ.  And Wall Street Rex bears no responsibility for the credit crisis (and, for the record, I don’t.  Lol).  But forget the public, the real YT act of nickerdom committed by OJ was when he was actually lying to BLACK AMERICANS and trying to convince them he didn’t do it.  Cats were like what?  They were laughing out loud at this explanation:

Even the little kids couldn’t believe what they were hearing:

Basically, black people were like “WE KNOW YOU DID IT OJ.  You DON’T HAVE TO LIE TO US.”  All that cheering we were doing when you were found not guilty was because we couldn’t believe a black man beat the system.  We know you actually did it fool.  Heck its essential that you did it; otherwise, you haven’t really beaten the system and we wouldn’t have anything to celebrate about. Lol.

And the nickerdom continued when OJ actually considered penning a “fictional” book, If I Did It, relaying the events of how he would have committed the murder IF he would have done it.

Wow.  Now only YT could get away with that and I guess OJ ultimately figured that out because he didn’t release the book.  BUT, Nicole Brown Simpson’s family jimmied the title, I Did It — Confessions of A Killer, turned that sum bish sideways and released it for some tall cash too:

Then we get to this latest OJ heist.  This is just nickerdom at its finest and confirmation that OJ truly believes he’s white.    This fool actually commits armed robbery and kidnapping while just trying to steal back some of his own WORTHLESS memorabilia?  To quote Brittany from the Hills, “WTF.”

Now I know what you’re thinking here — black people commit armed robbery all the time. And of course, I — Wall Street Rex — agree.  But it’s only a certain type armed robbery black people know how to do.  Like the stop a nick on the street and just jack him for his loot armed robbery:

Or the convenience store heist:

Or even the car jack:

But here come this cat OJ AGAIN trying to nickerize some traditionally white shi_.  He wants to plan that full on scheme, roll up into a hotel room and jack a man for his own dam worthless OJ  memorabilia?  Juice why would you take a chance on going to jail for stealing your own shi_?  I know, I know he got your old picture from your rookie year; the one with the afro and original bills jersey and you want it back.  Well OJ it’s YOU nicka. Grow the fro back out, put the jersey back on and just take the pic all over again homey.  You don’t have to steal pictures of your goddam self.  Plus its worthless now OJ.  He probably would have given you the dam picture had you just asked.  Haven’t you kept up with the news for the past 10 years?  The market value for your shi_ has gone WAY, WAY DOWN.  Or as we would say here on the Street, “declined precipitously.” Things have really been changing my man.  Like that cat that came and asked for your car a few years ago; how long did it take you to figure out it wasn’t the valet, it was the repo man?  And the dude who keeps asking you for your autograph?  He’s not a fan Jucie; he works for the IRS.  Get a f’ing clue already.

And Juice did you also get convicted of KIDNAPPING?  Nicka is you serious?  Only YT does that. Nickas try to get rid of kids, not nap ‘em.  Kidnapping?  It just was terrible dude.

So that brings us to the present where now it’s all caught up to you OJ; you’re facing 5 years to life for this nonsense and Rex does not feel sorry for you.  How can I.  I mean famous black people may get away with trying to act like YT once, but eventually it catches up to you.  You should have known better.  Just look at the following examples that should have shown you the error of your ways:

See Michael J is doing just fine here on the left; that Mike only wants to make music and meet women. But when he tried to be the cat on the right, all hell broke lose and he started liking children a little too much and lost every drop of the base in his voice.  Not good.

And what about this guy who all of a sudden decided he wanted to try and pee on girls on camera:

And this guy who decided he wanted to stop smoking weed and start preparing his own freebase:

Or lastly this guy who decided he wanted to stop talking about gay men and start dating them:

See eventually OJ this stuff catches up to you.  YT only has so much patience and you should’ve have known that  from the very day you got off for killing Nicole, they were plotting your downfall. I mean just look how quickly in the wake of the recent OJ conviction they updated the OJ description in Wikiepedia to include that “convicted felon” designation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O._J._Simpson. It’s like a cat was sitting there with his hands on the keys as the verdict was being read.  I know, OJ, I know, they should’ve waited because you and your new dream team are working on that surefire appeal right?  OJ, the appeal isn’t going to work my friend.  Johnny Cochran is no longer with us and the only member of the Kardashian family that anyone cares about can’t help you.

But she CAN do a few things for Wall Street Rex (and will once this market come back).

As for you OJ, you’re out of Juice:

And Rex just cannot feel sorry for you.  You deserve what you get and, from the sounds of it, there will be a lot of it.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-INe4gi2mX8

And that’s what we at UvT call a “stuck landing.”

- Rex

Free The Juice: OJ Simpson Trial is Underway

Maaaan, fuck it, I’m with OJ Simpson.

That’s right, I said it, I’m siding with the Juice.  Come on now.  I know this is Amurica, so actual Justice and Truff don’t really count.  But let’s face it, Juice was set up with this one.  I mean, how many cats roll up into a spot with some dudes they don’t know to retrieve their stolen memorabilia and just happen to have tape rolling? In fact, roll the tape interns:

Yooo, this is hilarious.  “You think you can steal my shit?”  “Bag this shit up.” Yo, Juice is a funny cat.  Meanwhile, ALL the cats he rolled in with cut deals with the prosecution to turn on the Juice.  Now that aint right.  They tell Juice the dude “took his shit.”  They lead the Juice to the room.  They bring the heat, but Juice is up to go to Jail for life?  How does that work?

Oooooh, that’s right. OJ is being tried for a different crime.  Supreme DickAssness associated with that murder.

Hey, I watched that trial from start to finish.  The state didn’t meet its burden.

I might be the only cat in America who isn’t certain that OJ did it, but I’m not really certain.  What I am certain of is that he doesn’t deserve to go down for Memorabilia Gate alone.  It’s not like he whooped ass, he just confronted some mark ass busters who “stole his shit.”  It was a simple misunderstanding, mixed with a clear understanding that ass tappities could commence if cats continued to play with OJ’s money.  And before yall cats come with that, “I doesn’t matter, he’ll get what he deserves, he’s worse than Osama Bin Laden” AHNT, consider this:

Jigga, Snoop, Juice, Kelly, NOT-Guil-ty!

- Lake

I Wonder It OJ’s Bronco Could’ve Done This…

I know OJ Simpson is famous for the slow speed chase, but Al Cowlings may still be driving right now if Al had skills like this:

My man must of been a professional stunt driver with skills like that. When the cops finally tracked him down they were serious though. I don’t know about those bump moves the cops were going with, it looked like they were trying to kill my man a few times there.

Speaking of OJ Simpson, his lawyer was Robert Kardashian. And of course Robert Kardashian’s daughter is…

kim-kardashian.jpg

…our girl Kimmy K. Kim Kardashian hasn’t been around in a while. I couldn’t resist.  That was a cheap ass segue though.  That tailpiece is still bananas.

-Brock

There’s something about the Juice

You just gotta admit it. There’s something about this dude that you love or even love to hate, but he’s just got that thing.. That it. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is it the resilience?

ojglovebanner.jpg

If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit…bitch

Maybe it’s the ladies he keeps, for instance, peep his current girlfriend and Nicole Simpson look-a-like Christine Prody:

christine-prody.jpg

(do those crazy veins popping out mean her rack is real or do they put the fake joints underneath the real thing…life’s mysteries)

Yooo, this must be the wildest white woman in America. Virtually everyone hates the Juice for beating a murder rap on a chick that looks exactly like YOU and you’re just rolling with the cat like he aint public enemy number 1. I mean, really loving life, enjoying his company, riding that white horse and keeping your head held high. haaaa And believe you me, she and OJ are having the time of their lives together:

oj-christine-prody.jpg

I love how this babe keeps the chest aerated… Haaa boy oh boy, look at the Juice enjoying a fine Cuban no doubt and peep that wild necklace the cat has on. What’s he like 55? Classic. Oh and I like to see OJ’s lady standing by him in court.

ojgf3.jpg

Ride or die baby, ride or die!

As for the substance of the charges against the Juice; look, I heard the tape of the alleged crime and I didn’t hear anybody catching an ass whooping. In fact, roll the uncensored tape.

(did you think you could steal my shit? LOL)

Sheeyut, I’d be mad if a cat stole my shit too.. haa Hey, it just sounds like a bunch of arguing. I heard perhaps some momentary false imprisonment, but certainly no evidence of armed robbery, kidnapping and all this other nonsense. Hey justice system: YOU ALREADY LOST THE SIMPSON/GOLDMAN TRIAL. Stop acting like this cat did something that’s worth anything more than a trip to anger management classes. The only reason why anyone cares about this nonsense in Vegas is because you think the Juice skated on the murder rap.

if-he-did-it.jpg

Nobody is even talking about whether the dude the Juice rolled up on actually stole his shit. Come on clowns…you’ve got nothing on the Juice. Leave him be, he’s got a tee time back in Florida…haters. It don’t matter if it’s 95 or 2007:

Jigga OJ not guil-tee

- Lake

«Older Posts