Man Up Monday: Man Buys Brazilian Girl’s virginity for $780,000

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Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?

He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.

This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.

Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.

Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.

Say what?

Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?

Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.

Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.

I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.

Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad,  just sad.

-Brock

If You’re Looking for Creative Ways To Kill Yourself…I’ve Got One.

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While the epic post I’m cooking up is still simmering, I thought I’d just hit you with some classic UvT “WTF Was That?”

This video looks like it is going to be great. I have no idea what this cat is saying in German, but it seems to be some epic shit talking. I was actually looking forward to seeing him cannonball into a frozen pool.

The only thing that would have made that video better is if the ice broke and dropped him in on the walk back. That would have been spectacular. He was in a pretty safe environment, a pool, with people around. He would have been alright, but if you want a guarantee on breaking the ice, you’re gonna need to bring more firepower. I’m going to go ahead and build the suspense though.

I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know he’s going through this ice.

Let’s just assume this goes as well as possible. Everything that WANT to happen, HAPPENS. He jumps, breaks through the ice and into the lake. A few quick observations.

1. It looks cold out there.

2. We are now dealing with a lake, you can’t just reach in and pull this dude out.

3. His size is going to make it difficult to pull him out anyway.

4. I love how even though he’s clearly pulling a stunt, is wearing some form of black short shorts and is running barefoot down a pier…a fat dude still keeps his t-shirt on at the lake. Childhood insecurity doesn’t go away just because you’re an amateur stuntman.

The video.

That was the double tap right there. Like he was going to stay on top of the ice until demons reached up from the depths of hell and dragged his ass back in. Whatever his plan was, I’m sure it didn’t include backflipping into a lake like he’s going scuba diving.

Then to get out, he doesn’t get pulled to the top of the ice….no, he gets dragged through the ice like he’s clearing a path for a superfreighter in Alaska.

The people taping and watching this are not his friends. This thing was one shady rope from being a snuff film.

UvT Weekend Challenge: Find one example of a black person voluntarily performing anything similar to this and I will devote an entire post to you on Monday featuring you and whatever you find. Feel free to give yourself the most ridiculous bio and title ever. We will run it like Mayor for a day. You’re in control of UvT.

I assume I just rescheduled Jezus’s entire weekend.

I have very little concern I will have to perform this activity as the chances of a Black person attempting anything like this is about 1%, so the chances of it appearing on tape are about one tenth of one percent.

-Brock

Come on Maine! The Kennebunk Maine Sex List

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We can find our inspiration from anywhere. There are great sage philosophers who have messages that can inspire. My latest inspirational quote is from NBA great John Salley. He said “If you want something that floats, flies or f*cks…rent, don’t buy”

Spectacular advice. I mean boats and planes are not sound investments. Sex on the other hand. That’s what we really need to break down here.

Now I’m not saying prostitution is a good thing. Other than a small area outside of Vegas, it’s illegal in the U.S. so clearly it isn’t an accepted practice. Even then, there are plenty of guys who take advantage of John Salley’s advice. The whole philosophy is that when you make sex a transaction it eliminates all of the messiness of cheating on whoever you are cheating on, or soliciting sex. It is clearly strictly bitnah, no one should expect a long relationship, it should stay clean. Except it never stays clean.

This is Alexis Wright:

She’s a Zumba instructor/prostitute who was running a little one woman sex ring out of her workout studio. First of all, if you aren’t familiar with Zumba, a small glance at this particular “exercise” is evidence enough that even if this woman was not actually a prostitute, she was still selling sex.

I think that is the opening move, it gets WAY more aggressive from there…there ain’t nothing but winding and booty poppin going on in there.

So when this chick gets busted for letting small town locals get it in for cash at her Zumba studio, all hell breaks loose. The local law allows the judge to release the names of all the Johns who solicited sex so they can be publicly shamed to deter people from doing it. Did they catch one or two guys? Naaaaah. Lucky for law enforcement Alexis kept detailed records complete with secret video tapes.

Yeah Chris, she was catching these dudes on video tape.

I’m pretty sure business would have fallen off if dudes knew they were being video taped. That’s like signing up to go hang out with some kids at Chris Hansen’s house. You KNOW you’re going down eventually.

I have to say though. Kennebunk, Maine is not a big town. When word got around that a hip-winding young tender was giving “private” Zumba lessons, I’m pretty sure it was the hottest gym in town.

I know she didn’t exactly her decision to turn herself in, but keeping detailed records is a clear violation of the hoe code. We’re talking cash transactions, phones that get thrown away, fake names…hell NO names, and definitely no audio, video, pictures, webcams, stripper dust, clothing, nothing. When people perform this transaction, they want to be ghosts. That is, after all, what you’re actually paying for. They’ve already got an ex-mayor on the list…yikes.

Pro-tip: Anytime you do something you don’t want people to know about with someone else in the room, they now have leverage over you. Always a good idea to make sure they have as much to lose as you do, otherwise…

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

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I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Update Your Player Calendars: It’s Cuffing Season!

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The Player Calendar continues to get built out. We identified Players New Year a few years ago. For those who don’t know, you can check out that article HERE. Players New Year is also know as Valentines Day for most people. But for a player, that is the day when you have to choose a chick on your roster or let em all go.

Unless you are really pimpin.

If so, carry on.

But there is a new update to the players calendar. It’s known as “cuffing season”. Cuffing season begins now people so it is time to get yourself together. Really it may already be too late. When it gets cold outside it is time to get yourself a cuff. You ever tried to work these streets in the winter? It’s brutal. Chicks don’t want to come out in the rain and snow when it is cold. You can’t even get to these women. Does this woman look like she’s coming out of the house if she doesn’t have to?

Hells no. She’s not coming out and neither is any other woman. Let’s be honest it’s the off season. No reason to waste game time level effort playing pickup ball. So what you need to do is find a lady and lock her down. I’m not talking about a ball and chain, I’m talking about a voluntary handcuff to get you through the winter.

That way you can reserve your energy and come out in the spring full of energy and ready for the season. I’m a firm believer in cuffing season. Hell, I took a redshirt cuffing year in college just to work on my game.

Just make sure you don’t miss the cutoff date. I’m not saying it’s impossible out there, but you gotta think about wasted effort out there. Don’t run up hills if you don’t have to.

I know some members of  Team Us already have their cuffing game down. Are there any other player holidays out there? The first good warm day that brings all the ladies back out?

Now, while I like the image of cuffing season, I was never too crazy about the name. Until I realized “Cuff” spelled backwards is “Ffuc”. And that’s what cuffing season is really all about. I’m with it.

-Brock

Guest Post: Picking Up The Slack ‘Round Here

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Since my updating schedule has been erratic at best, Jezus hisself decided to offer up some supplemental content for the people. Sure, he’s bucking shots at my fantasy football team, but as the winless squad, I deserve it.

So here’s a UvT Fantasy Football update from Mr. Jezus. Enjoy.

-Brock

————————————

By Mr. Jezus:

Alright, since Brock is busy doing bullshit…I mean making his “show” some body got to drop a joint for Us. Lemme see if I can give it a go. What should I talk about…

Oh I know! How bout that turrible ass UvTFF team of his!

Team Name: TeamUs (Oh and his abbreviation is HARD. Yes you read that right. HARD. As in HARD as hell to get a win up in here)

Roster:

QB: Michael Vick/Joe Flacco

RB: Forte/J. Stew/Jacquizz Rodgers/

WR: Megatron/Maclin/Reggie Wayne/Domenik Hixon/Miles Austin

TE: Gates/Martellus Bennett

DEF: 49ers/Packers

K: Tynes/Bailey (I only put kickers because you decided to carry 2, yet only carry 3 RB’s)

Editors Note: One of my kickers had a bye week and my other two RB’s were LeGarrette Blount (f’n terrible) and Beanie Wells who ain’t coming back anytime soon. Jacquizz was literally the only back who had scored out there.

Now, I want to rewind real quickly. Look at that team. Everyone agrees their pretty shitty right? To Brock’s credit he tweeted out that he had performed 0 prep. Not 1 mag. Not 1 article. No Matthew Berry ish. Nothing. That would have been okay to have a squad like this. But oh no! Not this guy. He followed that up with “Going Mike Vick! No, I am not drafting Mick Vick, I am going to do it all based on talent alone!”

Here is a picture of Mick Pick & Andy Reid before opening kickoff Week 1:

Look at Andy “Please let this fool come through…”

Here is Mick Pick every 4th play since kickoff:

Now, you could have been playing Flacco all this time, considering he is elite. Wait, no one thinks that but him. Nevermind.

We are allowed to carry 4 RB’s in this league. RB’s score the most pts in this league. Yet you only carry 3. And not even 3 good ones. WTF?

Editors Note: Jezus has proposed me random combinations of players to take every decent player I have as if I want to REALLY lose the rest of my games and make his team better in the process. Can’t hurt to ask I guess…

Forte I can understand. Stewy? Why? Then, the Quizz?

Is this your ATL fan coming through? That’s turrible man, turrible.

You need to cut one of them K’s and go pick up Tolbert! I mean, can’t hurt!

I want to say we are only in Week 6. You can turn this around! But let’s be honest. You need to be happy I didn’t let this guy in the league…

-Jezus

Dear Ladies: You May Win A Few Battles, But I Have Evidence Men Have Already Won The War

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When I was about to write this post about women who think it is a good idea to take stripper….errrrrrr….pole dancing classes, I thought to myself…”I can’t believe I haven’t already done this post”. Then I looked through the archives and saw that I have already done this post and it is hilarious. You should go back and read it NOW.

The pole dancing classes have not stopped though, so apparently:

1. I think too much of my own ability to change the world.

2. I can actually change the world, but some people aren’t referring to their standard issue “Team Us” handbooks on a daily basis.

3. Bitches be trippin.

4. I need to further clarify my position on this topic because I was rolling through the rough and rugged streets of LA (yes those are palm trees in the background) and saw this:

Ladies in  the greater Los Angeles area, feel free to call that number. You can tell these are creative and innovative people because the second “d” is goddess is a woman hanging upside down from one leg grabbing her 5 inch platform heel to make her body arch into the shape of the letter d. Both creative and inspiring. Because nothing says fitness and cardio health like hanging upside down from one leg.

Let’s cover the easy stuff first, let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that climbing and hanging from a pole and developing the ability to slide down said pole at varying speeds and in various positions has some sort of physiological value. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt on that, why does your “sport” require four inch tall glass heels? Why can’t women go to your gym in the stuff they wear in every other gym? Where are the tights, Nike Free’s, and sports bras? If you aren’t a stripper or training to be one, why is stripper gear required?

No one has ever put on that outfit and thought to themselves, “Time for my workout”. The only two options are “time to go take these clothes right back off for money”, or, “time to go shake everything I’ve got for this music video.” It’s also the outfit that gets handed out at the top of the slippery slope that ends in prostitution.

These classes are being sold to women as something that will teach you how to “keep your man happy”, or “get a man” or “keep your man”. It’s being sold as something that will help you get married.

Ladies if you don’t see that as a sign of the female apocalypse, you should. Do you really believe your man will not leave you because you know how to pole dance? Do you think the ability to hang upside down by one knee is a trait we are looking for in a wife? If somehow society has convinced women that acting like a stripper is the way to our heart…men have already won.

Don’t get me wrong, you will attract men like a moth to a flame. But there is no way I’m ever marrying a woman with a stripper pole installed in her bedroom. 0% chance. On the other hand, the chances I will tell all my friends I hooked up with a chick with a functional stripper pole in her bedroom? 100% Every time. Multiple times. I’m putting it on a t-shirt.

That’s how we think about it, so don’t get tricked. This also goes for women going to “booty pop” classes to learn how to make your ass clap. That’s something we want to rent, not buy. Also, if you actually make your money in strip clubs, please carry on. I appreciate you going to classes to get better at your chosen profession. Your hard work really shows up in the field.

Don’t say I’ve never tried to help anyone.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Dog People

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I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!

-Brock

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