The Completely Foreseeable Fall of Elmo aka Kevin Clash

“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne

The year was 1998.  I was at Duke University at a children’s function.  The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas.  So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?”  He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:

“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter.  I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today.  That my world would be turned upside down.  That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…

Who am I kidding?  And more importantly, who is America kidding????  Let me tell yall something.  The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.

Even President Obama knew something wasn’t right with Kevin Clash. It aint normal for a 200 pound black man to have his hand stuck up a puppet’s ass, with more high notes than the opera.

Then I saw his picture….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne.  Do we have to go through this again???  It’s blatant gay face!  Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo).  Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.

It’s just an unwritten code.  I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece.  It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft.  Then you present me with THIS cat?

With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa  I mean, for real, listen to this cat:

I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!!  So are we really surprised that this “dude”:

Dammit, cat looks like a turrible extra from the Wire. One of Omar’s ‘boys’ that got pinched taking unnecessary risks. Not respecting the game….

Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?

And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….

Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old….   Dammit.  Look.  Let me tell yall something.  It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.

Now, I’m a liberal cat.  So being up to some shit.  And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me.  But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..

Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash.  THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne!   HA  And now what does he want for his pain and suffering?  You guessed it….

Cold hard CASH!!!!  It’s the American way.  Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out.  Smart move.  Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.

Clash don’t care, though and why should he?  The statute of limitations done run.  He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.

And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?

-Lake

 

The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.

-Brock

Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!

I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.

Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.

Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.

As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.

She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.

So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.

-Brock

Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Man Buys Brazilian Girl’s virginity for $780,000

Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?

He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.

This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.

Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.

Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.

Say what?

Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?

Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.

Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.

I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.

Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad,  just sad.

-Brock

If You’re Looking for Creative Ways To Kill Yourself…I’ve Got One.

While the epic post I’m cooking up is still simmering, I thought I’d just hit you with some classic UvT “WTF Was That?”

This video looks like it is going to be great. I have no idea what this cat is saying in German, but it seems to be some epic shit talking. I was actually looking forward to seeing him cannonball into a frozen pool.

The only thing that would have made that video better is if the ice broke and dropped him in on the walk back. That would have been spectacular. He was in a pretty safe environment, a pool, with people around. He would have been alright, but if you want a guarantee on breaking the ice, you’re gonna need to bring more firepower. I’m going to go ahead and build the suspense though.

I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know he’s going through this ice.

Let’s just assume this goes as well as possible. Everything that WANT to happen, HAPPENS. He jumps, breaks through the ice and into the lake. A few quick observations.

1. It looks cold out there.

2. We are now dealing with a lake, you can’t just reach in and pull this dude out.

3. His size is going to make it difficult to pull him out anyway.

4. I love how even though he’s clearly pulling a stunt, is wearing some form of black short shorts and is running barefoot down a pier…a fat dude still keeps his t-shirt on at the lake. Childhood insecurity doesn’t go away just because you’re an amateur stuntman.

The video.

That was the double tap right there. Like he was going to stay on top of the ice until demons reached up from the depths of hell and dragged his ass back in. Whatever his plan was, I’m sure it didn’t include backflipping into a lake like he’s going scuba diving.

Then to get out, he doesn’t get pulled to the top of the ice….no, he gets dragged through the ice like he’s clearing a path for a superfreighter in Alaska.

The people taping and watching this are not his friends. This thing was one shady rope from being a snuff film.

UvT Weekend Challenge: Find one example of a black person voluntarily performing anything similar to this and I will devote an entire post to you on Monday featuring you and whatever you find. Feel free to give yourself the most ridiculous bio and title ever. We will run it like Mayor for a day. You’re in control of UvT.

I assume I just rescheduled Jezus’s entire weekend.

I have very little concern I will have to perform this activity as the chances of a Black person attempting anything like this is about 1%, so the chances of it appearing on tape are about one tenth of one percent.

-Brock

Come on Maine! The Kennebunk Maine Sex List

We can find our inspiration from anywhere. There are great sage philosophers who have messages that can inspire. My latest inspirational quote is from NBA great John Salley. He said “If you want something that floats, flies or f*cks…rent, don’t buy”

Spectacular advice. I mean boats and planes are not sound investments. Sex on the other hand. That’s what we really need to break down here.

Now I’m not saying prostitution is a good thing. Other than a small area outside of Vegas, it’s illegal in the U.S. so clearly it isn’t an accepted practice. Even then, there are plenty of guys who take advantage of John Salley’s advice. The whole philosophy is that when you make sex a transaction it eliminates all of the messiness of cheating on whoever you are cheating on, or soliciting sex. It is clearly strictly bitnah, no one should expect a long relationship, it should stay clean. Except it never stays clean.

This is Alexis Wright:

She’s a Zumba instructor/prostitute who was running a little one woman sex ring out of her workout studio. First of all, if you aren’t familiar with Zumba, a small glance at this particular “exercise” is evidence enough that even if this woman was not actually a prostitute, she was still selling sex.

I think that is the opening move, it gets WAY more aggressive from there…there ain’t nothing but winding and booty poppin going on in there.

So when this chick gets busted for letting small town locals get it in for cash at her Zumba studio, all hell breaks loose. The local law allows the judge to release the names of all the Johns who solicited sex so they can be publicly shamed to deter people from doing it. Did they catch one or two guys? Naaaaah. Lucky for law enforcement Alexis kept detailed records complete with secret video tapes.

Yeah Chris, she was catching these dudes on video tape.

I’m pretty sure business would have fallen off if dudes knew they were being video taped. That’s like signing up to go hang out with some kids at Chris Hansen’s house. You KNOW you’re going down eventually.

I have to say though. Kennebunk, Maine is not a big town. When word got around that a hip-winding young tender was giving “private” Zumba lessons, I’m pretty sure it was the hottest gym in town.

I know she didn’t exactly her decision to turn herself in, but keeping detailed records is a clear violation of the hoe code. We’re talking cash transactions, phones that get thrown away, fake names…hell NO names, and definitely no audio, video, pictures, webcams, stripper dust, clothing, nothing. When people perform this transaction, they want to be ghosts. That is, after all, what you’re actually paying for. They’ve already got an ex-mayor on the list…yikes.

Pro-tip: Anytime you do something you don’t want people to know about with someone else in the room, they now have leverage over you. Always a good idea to make sure they have as much to lose as you do, otherwise…

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock