Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

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Manti Te’o's life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.

-Brock

 

12 Days of UvT Christmas: Cutting Down Your Own Tree

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It’s time to kill another Christmas myth. Here’s another one that sounds better in theory than it is in reality. I’m talking about cut your own Christmas Tree.

This sounds like some movie level family experience right here. Don’t get me wrong, your kids are going to love it. Your wife is probably going to love it. You? You are not going to love it. Picking out the tree is all good. Walking in the woods, family time, your kids are all invested, it’s a beautiful thing. When you get to pick your own tree, you don’t need one of those tiny, weak looking punk ass trees

You really think you’re going to be on some Paul Bunyan. You’re going to get an axe and take a few manly swings at a tree. But nah, it isn’t going to happen. Whats going to happen is you are going to lie down on the ground in a forest, all those branches that are all low to the ground are going to be slapping you all in the face, you’re going to have a hacksaw and start trying to saw a freezing, rock hard tree and make a cut about 2 inches off the ground. I’m talking no range of motion, no leverage.

That big ass tree you picked is going to start leaning in the direction of the cut and your kids and wife can’t help you hold it up…they picked the big ass tree. Oh, let’s not forget the fact that your kids are watching so you can’t punk out either. They are also cold, so you’ve got about 5-10 minutes before they start complaining.

You’re not living the dream. Sure, it will be a memorable experience, you you’re going to pay the price.

Merry Christmas!

-Brock

12 Days of UvT Christmas: Egg Nog

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Here we go, it’s time again for the 12 Days of UvT Christmas. I’m on day 2 and there are 14 actual days until Christmas so…like the Jets chances of making the playoffs, it’s still mathematically possible, but highly unlikely I’ll finish. Maybe I’ll surprise you as well as myself.

Here’s one thing I can’t get with. Egg Nog.

That is the sexiest picture of Egg Nog on the internet. Now if you are reading this and I just made you think about how you need to hit the store after work so you can get a tall cup of Nog when you get back to the crib, please leave me a note in the comments. I need to understand your people. Because that looks like a tall cup of bubble guts to me. Is Egg Nog like the McRib? So some of you get hype when you get to the store in November and you see one of these?

Are you like, “awwwwwww shit. I’m gonna skip the milk this week and grab me some Egg Nog. I need something that tastes like cream on the verge of going bad with notes of vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg.”? Is the liquor optional or essential? Is that supposed to be hot or cold? Because I’ve been drinking for a while, and as far as I know, during at least 11 months of the year, mixing cream and alcohol to make yourself a drink is 1. Bitchy, and 2. Facking disgusting.

It’s gotten completely out of control. Egg Nog Jamba Juice? Egg Nog shakes at McDonlads? I’m sure there is an egg nog latte out there somewhere. This is no way to get your holiday liquor people. Do like I do, drink gin…all the time. If you need something with a holiday flair, go for a hot toddy or liquor up some cider. I don’t drink either of those, but I’m trying to give #TeamUs some options. I’m in the holiday spirit after all.

Ho, Ho, Ho.

-Brock

 

Michael Jordan Literally Gets Arrested By the Fashion Police

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It finally happened. After years of horrendous outfits. Michael Jordan finally wore an outfit so terrible it caused people to roll up on him and remove him from the premises. I actually don’t know how it took this long. We talked about MJ in mom jeans years ago. His dollars earned to turrible outfit ratio is completely off the charts. Let’s look at today’s violation.

Now I’ve been known to rock some camo shorts myself, but his actually look like they are literally golf course camo. If you were in the Army and you had to take the enemy down on a par-5 dog leg this is what you would wear if you wanted to go stealth mode on em. The only thing that could make that lime green shirt look worse is if he actually went full old man style and buttoned that top button. Rocking cargo shorts on the golf course got MJ kicked out of a round yesterday.The worst part is that this is actually mild for an MJ outfit violation.

Here’s a tip for Team Us if you are every buying a suit or jacket…under no circumstances should it almost touch the ground when you are seated. I mean Inspector Gadget thinks the jacket is a little long. Even Steve Harvey hit MJ with his tailor’s card. Talking about “you’re jacket is a little long, playa”.

Mj is so out of control, even Brand Jordan has lost their mind. They are making clothes no one would ever buy.

Someone give me ONE place this outfit works? Varsity football awards banquet when your letter jacket just isn’t enough? When you want to go to the club and intentionally want to try to not have them let you in at the door? This joint is the literal interpretation of “business casual”. Oh, and there is nothing hot about that Jordan lapel pin. Side note, having all three buttons going on this thing is a violation of all fashion rules, but I expect nothing less from MJ.

There there’s this.

I don’t know if MJ is taking a knee because he’s tired or because he just saw that turrible stitching and those bleached out creases on his jeans.

MJ is the worst dressed cat ever. He’s the only dude on the planet who could make Kobe Bryant’s All White Errythang, and those ridiculous shirts Russell Westbrook was wearing look reasonable.

Even if they switched outfits.

MJ, pull it together man. There are plenty of people to help you with your problem.

-Brock

The Completely Foreseeable Fall of Elmo aka Kevin Clash

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“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne

The year was 1998.  I was at Duke University at a children’s function.  The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas.  So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?”  He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:

“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter.  I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today.  That my world would be turned upside down.  That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…

Who am I kidding?  And more importantly, who is America kidding????  Let me tell yall something.  The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.

Even President Obama knew something wasn’t right with Kevin Clash. It aint normal for a 200 pound black man to have his hand stuck up a puppet’s ass, with more high notes than the opera.

Then I saw his picture….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne.  Do we have to go through this again???  It’s blatant gay face!  Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo).  Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.

It’s just an unwritten code.  I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece.  It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft.  Then you present me with THIS cat?

With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa  I mean, for real, listen to this cat:

I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!!  So are we really surprised that this “dude”:

Dammit, cat looks like a turrible extra from the Wire. One of Omar’s ‘boys’ that got pinched taking unnecessary risks. Not respecting the game….

Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?

And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….

Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old….   Dammit.  Look.  Let me tell yall something.  It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.

Now, I’m a liberal cat.  So being up to some shit.  And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me.  But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..

Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash.  THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne!   HA  And now what does he want for his pain and suffering?  You guessed it….

Cold hard CASH!!!!  It’s the American way.  Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out.  Smart move.  Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.

Clash don’t care, though and why should he?  The statute of limitations done run.  He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.

And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?

-Lake

 

The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

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General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.

-Brock

Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!

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I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.

Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.

Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.

As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.

She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.

So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.

-Brock

Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

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Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

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