Steve Francis Sets a New NBA Record After Retirement

Steve Francis was an explosive player for the Rockets back in the day. Although he was a Maryland Terp, I’m not gonna lie, he was a beast. Here is some of his best work if you need a refresher.
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Carnival Triumph: Cruisin’ for Some Losin’

Have you ever been on a cruise? It sounds great. Jump on a boat the size of a small city, hit up three or four different islands on one trip. They let you gamble. Food is in. Drinks flow. Pools and entertainment everywhere. In reality, there are only windows around the outside of the boat so it means there are a gang of rooms on each floor that are just tiny little metal boxes. That food seems great on day one and two, then by day three you pretty much can’t eat any more of those chicken fingers. That’s on a cruise where everything goes well. That brings us to the Carnival Triumph.

Carnival Triumph

First tip. If your cruise leaves from Mobile, Alabama. You might not be on the best ship in the fleet. So the Triumph was on the third day of a four day cruise A WEEK AGO when there was a fire that knocked out damn near everything on board. You know how it sucks to have a power outage in your house when you are on dry land with all your stuff. Imagine no lights in the bowels of a cruise ship? Do you know how dark it had to be? Or how hot? Or what it must smell like when they hand you a red biohazard bag to drop a deuce in?

carnivalbathroom

Oh hail naw. And as terrible as that is, it’s got to be the worst to be the guy who has clean that up. Because you know when the people on that cruise were finally set free they weren’t exactly responsible for their own red bags. They need to wrap the whole boat in a red biohazard bag. It was so terrible people wouldn’t even stay below deck, they just built their own tent city out on the deck.
carnival-cots-tiff

Now when you are in the middle of the sea, and there is no electricity, and no running water, and they can’t move the boat, and they can’t really feed you, and no one is coming to help you, how do you think you feel about that gigantic boat staying afloat.I have to imagine everyone on this boat thought they were going to die, pretty much 24 hours a day.

So what does Carnival do to make it up to people? Refund for your trip. (No shit.) Travel home (You did get people back to Mobile, Alabama a full week late) $500 cash. (Let’s consider that the low ball offer. You made people shit in plastic bags and eat onion sandwiches for five days) And of course, and here’s the big one, A CREDIT FOR ANOTHER CRUISE.

carnivale_samson

You might as well say you’re handing out unicorns because there is about a zero percent chance anyone is cashing those in. What assholes. They better break out the $5,000 in cash quickly before the lawsuits start coming down. You don’t give people the worst experience of their lives and make it up to them by offering to let them do it again. You give them some loot to say I’m sorry and hope they don’t upload all those terrible pictures to instagram.

So if someone offers to take you on a Carnival cruise. Think twice. They might be trying to take you out, Titanic style.

-Brock

 

Remember Greg Oden?

Now that football season is over, I’ve turned my attention to the NBA. I started paying attention when I saw this story cross the wire. Remember Greg Oden? The guy who got picked number one over Kevin Durant? The guy who has played about as many NBA games as me since then because his bones are made of Jolly Ranchers and wicker? Apparently there are real squads looking at trying to pick Oden up for the rest of the season. The Heat, the Celtics, they are all trying to give him workouts to see if he can make the squad.

I don’t know who will land him. I don’t know what he will contribute. But I know what I’ll call him.

There’s no way this is working out, but it is a proof that the most valuable thing in the NBA is the extra two inches between 6’10″ and 7’0″. Because there is no good reason for anyone to be looking for Greg Oden right now.

If Greg Oden signs prepare for a tinkling sound in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

 

Ridin Dirty: Lance Armstrong is on that juice!

I love when athletes are forced to make confessions. It’s one of the most ridiculous moments in all of sports. Has anyone who has EVER been accused of taking steroids been clean? One person? Ever? Has “I don’t know what was in that supplement” ever worked? I know Carl Lewis is glad he ran back in the days of hightop fades and no internet because I’m sure he would not make it in the modern era. But Lance really takes the cake.

You know what the Lance Armstrong “confession” showed me? That, whether you are on the juice or not, there is a certain attitude it takes to be the best in the world at something. To be so competitive that you will put yourself through the hardest race on the planet and win it SEVEN times, while lying, and rotating dirty blood with clean blood and all the crazy stuff Lance had to do to always pass his drug tests and deny it for over ten years is that YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF. That dude is an asshole. He convinced himself that because of his recovery from his cancer that he was just leveling the playing field by taking drugs. We always talk about how special you have to be to be a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, a Kobe Bryant, a Brett Favre. We’re talking about indisputable, first ballot hall of famers, these guys are narcissistic jerks across the board. I guess you have to be. But seriously, you have to be a real dick to get away with winning the biggest race in your sport when you’re cheating and do it SIX MORE TIMES.

Damn Lance. You didn’t want to get two or three and shut it down? You really couldn’t stop before you were the most dominant athlete on the planet? They probably would have let you keep two yellow jerseys, but they weren’t gonna let you keep 7 of them.

I blame Floyd Landis. Lance had the best “I’m not on steroids” game of all time. There was nothing that could be pinned on him for the better part of a decade. Floyd Landis wins ONE Tour De France and he gets pinned before he could cross back over the Seine river and get out of the country.

Here’s my new rule. All athletes are on SOMETHING. Athletes stay on the cutting edge.  Everyone at my gym is looking for an edge. Protein, creatine, weed, liquor, whatever. If it alters you for the better, they are on it. I stay hopped up on a custom cocktail of green tea, Hendrick’s Gin and Twerk Team videos. It gives me a real edge in this blog game.

Lance Armstong managed to apologize to the entire world while still coming off like he’d probably do it again. He’s like every other horrible bike dude that all of us have to deal with every day. That guy who wants to run stop lights. Who wants to be fully in a car lane like he’s actually a car. The guy who takes his seat off of his bike because he doesn’t want anyone to steal his sweet gel saddle…on steroids…literally.

This is cutting off abruptly because no one actually gives a damn about cycling. My bad.

-Brock

 

Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

Manti Te’o's life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.

-Brock

 

12 Days of UvT Christmas: Cutting Down Your Own Tree

It’s time to kill another Christmas myth. Here’s another one that sounds better in theory than it is in reality. I’m talking about cut your own Christmas Tree.

This sounds like some movie level family experience right here. Don’t get me wrong, your kids are going to love it. Your wife is probably going to love it. You? You are not going to love it. Picking out the tree is all good. Walking in the woods, family time, your kids are all invested, it’s a beautiful thing. When you get to pick your own tree, you don’t need one of those tiny, weak looking punk ass trees

You really think you’re going to be on some Paul Bunyan. You’re going to get an axe and take a few manly swings at a tree. But nah, it isn’t going to happen. Whats going to happen is you are going to lie down on the ground in a forest, all those branches that are all low to the ground are going to be slapping you all in the face, you’re going to have a hacksaw and start trying to saw a freezing, rock hard tree and make a cut about 2 inches off the ground. I’m talking no range of motion, no leverage.

That big ass tree you picked is going to start leaning in the direction of the cut and your kids and wife can’t help you hold it up…they picked the big ass tree. Oh, let’s not forget the fact that your kids are watching so you can’t punk out either. They are also cold, so you’ve got about 5-10 minutes before they start complaining.

You’re not living the dream. Sure, it will be a memorable experience, you you’re going to pay the price.

Merry Christmas!

-Brock

12 Days of UvT Christmas: Egg Nog

Here we go, it’s time again for the 12 Days of UvT Christmas. I’m on day 2 and there are 14 actual days until Christmas so…like the Jets chances of making the playoffs, it’s still mathematically possible, but highly unlikely I’ll finish. Maybe I’ll surprise you as well as myself.

Here’s one thing I can’t get with. Egg Nog.

That is the sexiest picture of Egg Nog on the internet. Now if you are reading this and I just made you think about how you need to hit the store after work so you can get a tall cup of Nog when you get back to the crib, please leave me a note in the comments. I need to understand your people. Because that looks like a tall cup of bubble guts to me. Is Egg Nog like the McRib? So some of you get hype when you get to the store in November and you see one of these?

Are you like, “awwwwwww shit. I’m gonna skip the milk this week and grab me some Egg Nog. I need something that tastes like cream on the verge of going bad with notes of vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg.”? Is the liquor optional or essential? Is that supposed to be hot or cold? Because I’ve been drinking for a while, and as far as I know, during at least 11 months of the year, mixing cream and alcohol to make yourself a drink is 1. Bitchy, and 2. Facking disgusting.

It’s gotten completely out of control. Egg Nog Jamba Juice? Egg Nog shakes at McDonlads? I’m sure there is an egg nog latte out there somewhere. This is no way to get your holiday liquor people. Do like I do, drink gin…all the time. If you need something with a holiday flair, go for a hot toddy or liquor up some cider. I don’t drink either of those, but I’m trying to give #TeamUs some options. I’m in the holiday spirit after all.

Ho, Ho, Ho.

-Brock

 

Michael Jordan Literally Gets Arrested By the Fashion Police

It finally happened. After years of horrendous outfits. Michael Jordan finally wore an outfit so terrible it caused people to roll up on him and remove him from the premises. I actually don’t know how it took this long. We talked about MJ in mom jeans years ago. His dollars earned to turrible outfit ratio is completely off the charts. Let’s look at today’s violation.

Now I’ve been known to rock some camo shorts myself, but his actually look like they are literally golf course camo. If you were in the Army and you had to take the enemy down on a par-5 dog leg this is what you would wear if you wanted to go stealth mode on em. The only thing that could make that lime green shirt look worse is if he actually went full old man style and buttoned that top button. Rocking cargo shorts on the golf course got MJ kicked out of a round yesterday.The worst part is that this is actually mild for an MJ outfit violation.

Here’s a tip for Team Us if you are every buying a suit or jacket…under no circumstances should it almost touch the ground when you are seated. I mean Inspector Gadget thinks the jacket is a little long. Even Steve Harvey hit MJ with his tailor’s card. Talking about “you’re jacket is a little long, playa”.

Mj is so out of control, even Brand Jordan has lost their mind. They are making clothes no one would ever buy.

Someone give me ONE place this outfit works? Varsity football awards banquet when your letter jacket just isn’t enough? When you want to go to the club and intentionally want to try to not have them let you in at the door? This joint is the literal interpretation of “business casual”. Oh, and there is nothing hot about that Jordan lapel pin. Side note, having all three buttons going on this thing is a violation of all fashion rules, but I expect nothing less from MJ.

There there’s this.

I don’t know if MJ is taking a knee because he’s tired or because he just saw that turrible stitching and those bleached out creases on his jeans.

MJ is the worst dressed cat ever. He’s the only dude on the planet who could make Kobe Bryant’s All White Errythang, and those ridiculous shirts Russell Westbrook was wearing look reasonable.

Even if they switched outfits.

MJ, pull it together man. There are plenty of people to help you with your problem.

-Brock