Did the NBA Agreement Include Paying Turrible Players Lots of Cash?

The NBA Season just ended, there aren’t any new NBA games until November, and while the Olympic team is mildly entertaining, the trades are as entertaining as the games ever were. There are a LOT of players who probably shouldn’t get paid who are stacking loot right now.

There is a certain point where players are just trying to get a ring. That explains Ray Allen playing in Miami for $3 million a year. I’m not sure I agree with it, dude already has a ring, but it is hard to say someone shouldn’t try to get another one. But while a guaranteed Hall of Famer who holds the record for most three pointers ever is getting paid $3 million, Jeremy Lin is going to get $5 million this year, $5.2 next year and FOURTEEN MILLION the year after that. $14 Milli? Dude had, like, 15 hot games last year for a squad that literally just ran out of players.

That’s called laughing all the way to the bank right there.

I’m sure there are lots of contracts all over the league even more ridiculous than that, but if you want to see a lot of them at once, just take a look at the Brooklyn Nets. Mikhail Prokhorov is balling out of control like a REAL billionaire.

He’s slinging money like everyone deserves a max contract. Brook Lopez is tall and average, that will get you $14 million a year for the next four years. Kris Humphries is even less tall and even MORE average, so that will get you $12 million a year. I guess that quick marriage to Kim Kardashian paid off. People actually think Kris Humphries is valuable now. That are offering me $2.5 just to talk shit and clap from the end of the bench. I’m going to try to hold out if the Rockets want to pick me up as trade bait for Dwight Howard. The Brooklyn Nets are so wild they BOUGHT one of the worst contracts out there. They picked up Joe Johnson from the Hawks for $20 Million this year and $25 Million four years from now. That contract sucked when Atlanta signed it two years ago. Lebron made a “sacrifice” to get a ring, but Joe Johnson gets paid more than Lebron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh over the next four years. That’s terrible.

I guess I should have given the players more credit in the negotiation last summer. These dudes are getting paid. How much money do these owners have to be making to break off Jeremy Lin with $25 million? How is that dude going to pull down $14 million in 2014? Can I say it again? World Champion Lebron James, the first or second best player on the planet is getting $17 million next year. I like Jeremy Lin as much as the next guy, but once that NY shine is off of him he’s nothing but a point guard on a team you will never see on TV next season.

Now if they can just land Dwight Howard somewhere so we can stop talking about it I’d be happy. When is Football season? Can’t come quickly enough.


LeBron Finally Gets One…HATERS SIT DOWN

LeBron James finally got a Championship.

I’m glad no one can talk about him in the Fourth Quarter, saying he has No Ring, all of that. All we have left is his hairline people. If he shaves his head, we won’t even have that. Wait, no one is going to bring up the fact this was a short season are they? Does he need to get one in a 82 game season? That’s just hatin. I know people are going to try to hit him with a baby asterisk though.

If you want to talk about someone let’s focus on Chris Bosh. Now I know he is having a moment of pure happiness right now, but I’m sure he’s going to regret this one in the morning.

Oh man. The photoshoppers are going to have fun with that one.

You know what? I’m still gonna have fun with it. It is even worse in full motion.

I’m looking forward to seeing LeBron play without the monkey on his back though. I don’t think he’ s gonna relax and fall off.

Sorry for the short post. Working on UvT backshop business. More information next week. More surprises and big news for TeamUs.



Man Up Monday: Russell Westbrook

Don’t get me wrong, I love Russell Westbrook’s game. He was the unofficial winner of the All Star Weekend dunk contest for his performance in the All Star Game. He might be the most athletic player in the NBA today, and although they lost, I still like OKC to take the Spurs to the brink. But I do have one specific problem with Russell Westbrook. Not so long ago, I thought the most ridiculous thing he ever did was wear a red hoodie and backpack to a business negotiation during the lockout.

Had the nerve to stand right upfront too.

But now, he’s taken it too far. When I saw him rock the fish lure shirt a few weeks ago, I thought it was funny, but now I realize he might never stop.

That joint was just the start. The best thing about this shirt is the homey MRod bought it and rocked it unironically. I thought this was a single shot, but Westbrook apparently has a closet full of nautical themed shirts. After that one, he went with the “post paintball session” shirt.

I think the Fresh Prince rocked that one in the episode when he gets trapped in the basement. Then Westbrook broke out the compass shirt.

That one was actually subdued, all things considered. There is one thing Russell Westbrook didn’t think about though. So far the Thunder has only lost two games. When you win, these shirts are hilarious. When you lose, you just look like a clown. He should have two piles of shirts. First, a winners shirt for when things are going well. And another stack of shirts for when they lose. He should go with a basic white button up just to make sure he is fully in the clear. Otherwise, it ends up like tonight.

Nothing worse than talking about why you lost while you are dressed like an actual clown. You can’t even salvage any dignity. There is no way to go hard in a shirt like that. But everyone knows about these shirts. It wouldn’t be UvT if we didn’t have something exclusive. We’ve already got the inside track on what Russell Westbrook plans on wearing if the Thunder make it to the finals. He’s got something really special planned. He calls it shirts vs. blouses.

There were only so many places he could go to push this farther. He painted himself into the corner and this is his only way out.

So Russell Westbrook, I’m gonna tell you since no one else will. You look ridiculous. Men don’t dress like that. We don’t have to. We’ve got centuries of great options. You’re boy Kevin Durant figured it out. There is no reason you can’t too.

Russell Westbrook…Man Up!


Midweek Man Up: LeBron James

It’s Friday, but I can’t let this wait until Monday. LeBron James and the Heat got BEAT THE HELL DOWN by the Indiana Pacers. Yeah, the Pacers. In Indiana. Who haven’t been good since…they’ve never actually been that good. Sure Reggie Miller won em a bunch of games, but I’m pretty sure it was negotiated during the lockout that the Pacers suck. It is right there in the CBA. I guess they didn’t get the memo, because they are manhandling the Miami Heat right now.

That’s the other thing. LeBron is the MVP. Wade is the closer. And according to my archives and the internet, Chris Bosh is soft. Yet, the Miami Heat are completely falling apart without Bosh. Everyone was calling Chris Bosh the third wheel. He was the disposable part. He’s ridiculous, he thinks this is a sign of aggression.

That’s a sign of something…you know what, I immediately regret putting up that picture. It’s kinda freaking me out. It’s weird. But I guess that weirdness works because the Heat look helpless without him.

To add insult to injury, the Pacers are doing it in full corny midwestern style, complete with fully outdated slogan.

Gold Swagger? Really? They handed out t-shirts that say “gold swagger” to 18,000 white people tonight? Do you know how long it is going to take before those rotate out of circulation? The Miami Heat are favorites to make it to the finals, they can’t get beat by a team who has “gold swagger” as their slogan. That would never be removed from LeBron’s legacy.

LeBron, Man Up and win this damn thing yourself. If you lose to the Celtics, Lakers, Thunder, or Spurs you can get away with blaming it on being a man down. But not the Pacers. You should be able to beat them by yourself.

Man Up. Don’t make me have to talk to you again on Monday.



Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of the rest of the season the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.


How UvT Works: Last Night’s NBA Game

I was writing that Rodney King post last night as I was checking the Clippers vs. Grizzlies game while watching Game of Thrones. What can I say, I’m a multi-tasker. So the Clips were down by 30 with a quarter to go and the commentators went to “What else can we possibly talk about, because we’re pretty sure no one is watching this” mode. The ass whoopin was so bad, I even pulled this pic for Man Up Monday: Part II.

It is Clippers vs. the Grizz so no one really cares, but that comeback was spectacular. When they cut it down to 15 with 6 minutes left, I was wondering why the commentators were still going with the “there is something the Clippers can learn from this” routine. Seemed like plenty of time left to me. Sure enough the Clippers came all the way back and stole the game from the Grizzlies. I was about to post last night, but realized people still don’t care about the Clippers vs. the Grizzlies. Plus, I had the wrong picture. I did see the dude I would have pulled if I wanted to write the post though, I just didn’t have the heart to stand up and snap a pic. So I bailed out on the whole thing.

But this dude is so horrible I had to bring him back. So I don’t want to Man Up the Memphis Grizzlies, I specifically want to Man Up this dude.

This guy was sitting in the arena a full ten minutes after the game ended. His headband says “Believe Memphis”. He really looks like he doesn’t know how life will go on. He should be wondering why he thought it was a good idea to rock that yellow headband when he left his house for a game. Seriously? I know it sucks but your team is Memphis and it is the first game of the first round of the NBA playoffs. You aren’t winning shit. When Duke lost in the first round this year I didn’t like it, but we weren’t gonna be holding up the trophy this year so I let it go. Unless he put 10G’s on the game down at the riverboats before the game, or he is the little brother of Bryant “Big Country” Reeves (which looks like it could be the case), he needs to let it go.

New York Knicks guy thinks he needs a better attitude.

Ha. Man Up!


Man Up Monday: Pau Gasol

No big man can escape the the posterizations that Blake Griffin hands out on a near-daily basis. But these dunks over Pau Gasol really take it to the next level. We all remember the dunk over Kendrick Perkins, but I couldn’t really blame Perk for that. Perkins got beat on a basketball play and just lost the battle in the air. Pau Gasol is another deal altogether.

I really think it was that last elbow to the chin that really makes it look bad. Blake just dominated the bigger man there. I think bailing out on the play actually isn’t worse than ending up on the floor after getting dunked on. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it got much worse.

That seems unnecessary. Blake saw it coming all the ay too. He was just creeping toward the rim as the shot went up. Once again Pau ends up on the ground.

Those are football plays right there people. It would be scary to see what those collisions would be if Griffin had on pads and a helmet. I’m betting Pau Gasol still wouldn’t want any.

So Pau Gasol, you need to Man Up! That was embarrassing. If you aren’t quite sure exactly how. Check your boy Kendrick Perkins. He understands what it takes to Man Up.

That’s how you make it happen.


NBA 3.0: The Evolution of Professional Basketball

Let’s start with the fact that the NBA is not broken. Even with the lockout. Even with the 66 game season. Even with the sad and unfortunate existence that is the New Orleans Hornets. Even with an All-Star weekend that is mostly underwhelming. The NBA is doing just fine thanks.

But, there is a huge opportunity for sports to modernize and the NBA is the perfect candidate to lead the evolution. The NBA is already the most individual sport. The NBA loves individuality and has long been noted for accepting hip-hop culture. The NBA “uniform” seems to be a mere suggestion at this point because the league allows headbands, leg sleeves, knee braces, arm sleeves, goggles, high socks, low socks, face masks, day-glo shoes, arm sleeves, exposed tattoos. Guys barely look like they are on the same team anymore.

As long as you get the shirt in shorts in there somewhere, you are good. Everything else is up for grabs. That gives us the perfect opportunity to make some changes. What should we change? I’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s talk about what’s broken.

The most obvious place the NBA needs to be fixed is the All-Star weekend. The 2012 All-Star weekend was so bad I reached my personal breaking point.  The actual All-Star game was great, no defense, crazy dunks, and the best players in the world going at it with complete freedom. The rookie game is also decent. You get to see that player you loved in March Madness who got shipped to Sacramento actually play. Because everyone knows, no one actually watches Sacramento games.

I’m really talking about All-Star Saturday night.

That is the night where you get some of the classic competitions of All-Star Weekend. Sure, they’ve added that weird shooting event where they take a decent active player, match them with a retired player and a WNBA player and basically give a trophy to the team who can hit a shot from half-court the fastest. The better new addition is the skills challenge where point guards dribble, pass and shoot their way through an obstacle course as quickly as they can.

Yeah, I don’t understand why that is an event either, but the real issue is the big competitions, the three-point contest and the slam-dunk contest.

The classic competitions had the best players in the game. Larry Bird won the three-point contest along with current all time leader Ray Allen. (Reggie Miller missed out because his shooting motion didn’t match up well with the time limit and the rapid-fire technique you need to win.) Michael Jordan, Dr. J, Dominique Wilkins and Kobe Bryant won the Slam Dunk contest. These are some of the most explosive players ever.

What happened?

As opposed to the greatest players in the game going into battle to show they are the best at some particular skill, they all take the weekend off. They throw parties and host comedy shows. They dress up in suits and ties and mug for the camera in the front row in these competitions instead of strapping on the sneakers and participating.

Sometime in the mid-90’s slam dunks stopped being cool.

People have lots of theories about why these competitions are so bad. Some say the dunk contest is a victim of itself. Because the dunks had to keep getting more complicated to be unique, guys started missing their dunks. So they adjusted the rules so a miss didn’t hurt so badly. Back in the day, if you missed your windmill dunk the first time, you ended up with a score of thirty-five and tanked your chances of winning. So they “fixed it” by giving guys ninety seconds to get it right, which somehow became more painful. Nothing is worse than watching a guy start to tire out and get anxious after he misses a 360 dunk off the backboard for the eighth time.

Wait, there actually is something more painful. Watching a guy you’ve never seen before miss a 360 dunk off the backboard for the eighth time. Where did they find these guys this year? They pulled guys from Indiana, Utah, Houston and Minnesota. I’m not talking about the best players from these teams, I’m talking about a random collection of guys who might have picked up their jerseys off the NBA store that weekend. I’m not saying they can’t ball, I’m just saying it pales in comparison to Blake Griffin, LeBron James, Russell Westbrook, Dwight Howard, and Andre Iguodala. You know, actual All-Stars.


Everyone is debating how to get these guys to actually participate. A kid tried to shame LeBron into the dunk contest on YouTube. Some suggested giving the players a million dollar bonus for winning. Others are still trying to adjust the rules to make it more exciting. This year they even turned voting over to Twitter. I’ve come up with a simple solution that fixes everything.

Achievement badges.

Video games do it. Social media networks do it. The military does it. Even the NFL and NHL give their guys a little emblem for being a captain. I think adding a few badges to the NBA will bring all the big stars out. It would help the NBA evolve into a sport ready for the social media and infographic era. When a player wins a dunk contest, they get to have a little star on their shoulder. Win a three-point contest? You get a small colored bar. Take home a scoring title, and you get a badge that looks like a basketball. League MVP? Here are some epaulets for your shoulder. Kris Humphries and Lamar Odom can both have “I banged a Kardashian” badges. They could be shaped like butt cheeks.

In the NBA the black guy would have the same smile, plus all those badges you see on the right.

It could even extend to the team jerseys. It would bring a sense of history and legacy to the game. The Lakers would have sixteen stars, the Celtics would have seventeen, the Bulls six. There is precedent for this too. They do it for World Cup wins in soccer. Brazil throws five stars above their crest so no one ever forgets how many times they’ve been the best in the world. They even already do something like it on the NBA All Star  Jerseys.

Designed properly, the uniforms could still look uniform without getting too crazy. You think LeBron James wouldn’t like a slam dunk championship star to go with his 8 all star selections, 2 MVP awards, 2 time All Star MVP and scoring championship badges until he gets that championship ring? Wouldn’t it be cool to see Dwight Howard with three Defensive Player of the year badges on his jersey? You immediately give new fans a way to know which players are special and let the players show their achievements without making someone dig through Wikipedia.

We live in a visual, quick reference society. The NBA is the perfect place for a testing ground to make the history of the game visual.  Guys would get back into these competitions for the right to get something special added to their jerseys. Infographics have given us a way to take a quick glance at pertinent information. The NBA 3.0 would bring that to life. We are a “right now” society that doesn’t appreciate what has happened in the past. Make it easy, make it visible. It would be impossible not to know how dominant the Celtics were. It would be interesting to quickly show young fans that the lowly Houston Rockets won two titles in 1994 and 1995. The change would bring a lot of perspective to the game. Plus, it would bring the big boys back out to compete for some of these prizes and get back to entertaining the fans.