Jason Collins Comes Out of the Closet…And He’s Bringing His Brother With Him!

So Jason Collins is being hailed as the first gay athlete in major sports after he publicly came out in Sports Illustrated magazine. I don’t think I’ve actually heard anyone call him the “gay Jackie Robinson” yet. [Read more...]

Steve Francis Sets a New NBA Record After Retirement

Steve Francis was an explosive player for the Rockets back in the day. Although he was a Maryland Terp, I’m not gonna lie, he was a beast. Here is some of his best work if you need a refresher.
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Remember Greg Oden?

Now that football season is over, I’ve turned my attention to the NBA. I started paying attention when I saw this story cross the wire. Remember Greg Oden? The guy who got picked number one over Kevin Durant? The guy who has played about as many NBA games as me since then because his bones are made of Jolly Ranchers and wicker? Apparently there are real squads looking at trying to pick Oden up for the rest of the season. The Heat, the Celtics, they are all trying to give him workouts to see if he can make the squad.

I don’t know who will land him. I don’t know what he will contribute. But I know what I’ll call him.

There’s no way this is working out, but it is a proof that the most valuable thing in the NBA is the extra two inches between 6’10″ and 7’0″. Because there is no good reason for anyone to be looking for Greg Oden right now.

If Greg Oden signs prepare for a tinkling sound in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

 

Damn Homey: Latrell Sprewell

Latrell Sprewell was one always one of my favorite players. Sure, he might have choked out a coach or two, but he was ice cold from the three point line.

Somehow Latrell Sprewell got arrested on New Year’s Eve. I have no idea what happened, but let’s see if I can figure it out from his mugshot.

Look, when you decide to get a neck tattoo AFTER you get out of the NBA, you’ve pretty much already given up on life. Look at that picture above. He only played in Minnesota for two years at the end of his career. His thirteen year career. Dude has NO tattoos. Do you know how many tatts you need to have to get the to point where you say, “Can you go ahead and throw a rising sun on my throat?” Latrell can’t be making good decisions right now. I feel pretty bad for the guy. So I want to do my part. I want to remind him of happier times. So I wanted to find the high point of his life and I think I did it.

I don’t know what is going on in this picture. I don’t know why this picture happened. I don’t know how I found this picture. But Latrell Sprewell looks like the happiest man on earth. And why not? I’m pretty sure when you research “true happiness” it just says “A Coogi sweater and two white women”. I don’t think life gets any better than that.

Latrell we’ve got your back.

-Brock

Andrew Bynum Does The Impossible: He Just Got Worse

I thought the Andrew Bynum situation was horrible last week. It was so bad I had to address it. But the physical manifestation of Bynum’s “I don’t give a f*ck” reached all new heights. The hair was already stupid as just a normal fro. But for some reason, he decided to really take it to the next level and straighten it. Peep this.

Let’s go ahead and drop a come on bruh on that one. Is that pimp hair? Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber? Sultan from Great White Hype?

I know Andrew Bynum isn’t supposed to be healthy until January, and maybe he’s bored, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn about representing his team. Wait, maybe he is trying to be one of the greats. Maybe he is already ready to leave the Sixers and join another team…well, group really.

I hear they have a new album coming out.

-Brock

 

Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.

-Brock 

Man Up Monday: Dirk Nowitzki Needs To Man Down

It’s Baseball season so I’m going to have to reach back into the NBA season for this one. I was a bit disappointed in the Dallas Mavericks this season. I think they really fell off. In the finals last season, Dirk Nowitzki was completely unstoppable. People were talking best player in the league. People were talking about him being the best international player ever (maybe). People were talking about him being top ten all time (getdafuggouttahere). I will say this, respect for the dude for working on his crossover and dating the black woman.

She’s bad too. But for Dirk this was just the beginning. He didn’t just want the Black fiancee, he really wanted to get involved in the black community. First he went with the obvious stuff.

No creativity there. But that’s a good start. Why not shoot right for the top. Get down with president Obama. After this Dirk apparently watched all the classics. New Jack City, Boyz in the the Hood, Juice, Hollywood Shuffle, Friday, he just immersed himself in Black culture. The Mavs didn’t win this year because Dirk was studying all of Black History month. He just didn’t have time for hoops. But he had to show his lady he was ready to keep it real.

Then it all went terribly wrong.

You see, even part of being on the inside of the culture is knowing which pieces of the culture you don’t really have to go for. Which pieces you need to shut down. Dirk doesn’t know when to pump the breaks. He’s trying to man up to prove how down he is for his lady, but he might need to man down on this one.

Check it out.

Dear Dirk, even Black people don’t break out the traditional African gear…especially not with the hat. Never the hat dude. Can you imagine seeing this guy? He’s seven feet tall! That hat makes him 7’3″. The hat might actually brush up against the bottom of the net of a regulation NBA goal. I hear in the town he was in, people reported seeing a tiny hovering orange UFO flying through the sky.

Believe it or not, it gets worse.

He got up on that Conga line? (Errrrrr…maybe in this instance it is a congo line?). I hope it worked out for you Dirk, you really went all out. There has never been a challenge in the history of The Bachelor or For the Love of anyone that has gone this hard.

Dirk, I usually use this space to tell someone to Man Up, but I’m going to tell you to Man Down. We know you love that girl…but you don’t have to do all this. No means No man. You don’t have to go out like this. Here’s a tip, if your lady says she really needs you to go out into the jungle for a three day tour with nothing but a knife, three leaves and a canteen of water, just say “nah baby, I ain’t going no where.” That’s all it takes. I believe in you.

Dirk Nowitzki…Man Up and Man the hell Down.

-Brock