2011 UvT Awards: UvT Quality Chick of the Year

I have to admit, this is my favorite category in the UvT Awards. And, since I know what most of you degenerates searched for when you found Us Versus Them, I know it is yours too. (FYI the top 5 searches this year are for Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Allison Stokke and Kate Gosselin(?) followed by ‘big tits’. Team Us is a classy bunch)

Also, in 2011 we introduced March Madnass.

We fielded 64 women from all levels of fame, notoriety, and uhhhh participation in various forms of video entertainment. (That link is level 2 out of 6 on the UvT NSFW scale, sheeeeeit, this whole post is gonna run about a 3.5 on the UvT NSFW scale…you’ve been warned.) But March Madnass was a little off to me. I really think half the voters thought the purpose was to vote for the woman with the largest ass possible. Laura Dore was the runner up:

I can’t argue with the people on that one. It is like the voting for MVP. Is it the most valuable player on their team, or is it the best player on the best team? In that case, Laura Dore is clearly one of the thickest chicks playing for Team white people and is one of the reasons I adjusted the White Girl Tail Scale (WGTS™) to a perfect 9. But the voters (barely) got it together and went for an all time superstar, Stacey Dash.

A fitting winner any year.

Amber Rose dropped a new nude pic like every 3 weeks, which would usually win you this award, but I’m pretty sure she outweighs her man by like 20 pounds, so that’s a little weird for me. There was also Suelyn Medeiros who I thought was going to roll to at least the final 8, but pretty much got clipped early. She also released a sextape, which usually allows you to take this award home, but it was so staged and average, I didn’t even talk about it. I mean, I also didn’t watch it, because I never watch those things, but that is what I was told when I wasn’t, you know, watching it.

And you guys are searching for “Kate Gosselin”? I need to do a reader poll. Maybe my readers are MILF lovers who don’t know you can LITERALLY FIND ANYTHING on the internet. Why are you searching for Kate Gosselin? There is so much specifically perverse stuff on the web, there are simple everyday terms I’m scared to search. Like “tailpipe”. I’m NEVER typing that into Google.

So it is time for UvT Quality Chick of the year. There was one woman I talked about more than anyone else on this site this year. She is the essence of pure sex in its raw form. She won in 2009, and she is now a 2 time winner.

Rihanna.

Before you protest (and Before ItzDatDude in the comments hits me with five level 6 NSFW links of thick Asian chicks in the comments) let’s discuss the terms of UvT quality. That tattoo running down her hip is UvT Quality, that ridiculous stomach game peeking out of that shadow is UvT quality. The fact that she takes pictures like this on vacation is UvT Quality.

The fact that she’s on all fours on a boat with her ass sticking in the air…well, you get the point. She made me understand that Kadooment Day might be my favorite holiday of all time based on this:

Any holiday that has an international superstar backing it up in full regalia, in broad daylight, with a drink in her hand she clearly doesn’t want to spill is my kind of holiday. Her new album has a chorus on one song that is just “I love it when you eat it”, and an interlude that ends with “I wanna fuck you right now”.  She’s got that X-Factor and it’s great. Ri-Ri, go on ahead and celebrate. You are the 2011 UvT Quality Chick of the year.

Hey, far be it from me to tell you how to celebrate. Congratulations.

-Brock

 

 

 

2011 UvT Awards: Man Up of the Year

Sure, I’ve written more than 50 Man Up Monday columns this year, but as always, the Man Up of the year is special. We’ve talked shit about honored the Balloon boy’s dad in 2009 (you probably don’t even remember that dude he needed to Man Up so badly, and last year we gave the Man Up treatment to Brett Favre (who still might call the Broncos this week to try to get them into the playoffs and lead them to a Superbowl).

So it came down to a few choices of the most ridiculous stories of the year. Of course we had Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal.

There are only a few problems with this one. First, as you can see from this picture, Jerry Sandusky literally doesn’t get it. He’s being investigated for molesting boys in showers and he gets arrested in his crib while wearing a Penn State WRESTLING jacket?!?!?! What. The. Fuck. He thought that was a good idea? He didn’t think he wanted to burn that jacket? It makes me think this dude may literally be mentally impaired, and I don’t make fun of people who can’t mentally defend themselves. Second, this dude might be the devil himself. I don’t want to get dragged into the depths of hell for exposing the devil in human form. Third, it’s hard to make fun of a dude that sick. Excluding the entire paragraph preceding this sentence.

So that leaves us with one man who was made to look like the biggest bitch of the year.

Kris Humphries.

And no, I’m not just talking about his decision to wear that outfit. Although, he just earned some additional heat for allowing this picture to exist on the internet.

We should have known Kris Humphries was doomed when he decided to propose to Kim Kardashian on the same day that all the crazies were claiming was the apocalypse. Can you believe this guy got engaged, had a celebrity wedding, a honeymoon and got divorced since May? His entire relationship from top to bottom was shorter than the NBA lockout. The NBA was able to negotiate a billion dollars between 30 owners and hundreds of players before Kris was able to figure out how to deal with this.

I think that is marked “never before seen” because Kris never really figured out one of the great puzzles of the universe…Kim Kardashians ass. Hell, that clip makes it looks like Kim is still learning how to use her own equipment.

Here’s the worst part. Kris Humphries is an utterly irrelevant NBA player on the most irrelevant team in the league. Deron Williams helped…some. Moving the Nets to Brooklyn will help…some. But when the most recognizable part of the Nets, Jay-Z said “the Nets could go 0-82 and I’d look at you like this shits gravy” he didn’t exactly help their credibility.

That shit cray…ain’t it Jay?

Seriously though. There was a poll last year on “the most hated player in the NBA” and it was LeBron James for that horrible decision to say he was “taking his talents to South Beach” in a live interview. (Now Lebron has the most hated hairline in basketball. Seriously, can’t MJ, Charles Barkley and Vince Carter pull him to the side and let him know it is time to let go?) This year, Kris Humphries was the most hated. The only people who should hate him are Nets fans who see him getting a $8 Million contract this year and being a career 6 points and 5 rebounds guy. How can you hate a guy who has that little impact on the game?

Hell, how did Kim Kardashian decide to date a guy so irrelevant. I mean Kim Kardashian dated Reggie Bush. He was one of the greatest college football players ever and the dude who cost me the UvT Fantasy football title this year, not some random corner back from Wake Forest. You gotta stay on the level of your status. Reggie Bush was the best back of his era, and Kim Kardashian has the best backside of her era. It works. Or when she decided to date in the music industry. She didn’t just date that random dude from N’Sync who’s name I don’t remember who always ended up in the corner of all the pictures., she dated Ray-J. Wait a minute…Kris Humphries is pretty much the Ray-J of the NBA. My bad, Kim is being pretty consistent.

After the divorce. After the marriage was called a scam. After Kris was (and still is getting) publicly embarrassed on the Kardashian TV show. He gets kicked in the ass with this on his way out of the door.

It pretty much doesn’t get worse than being called gay by your ex on the cover of a national magazine. They didn’t even phrase it as a question. That is a straight up statement of fact. I’m actually scared of “What Khloe saw” at this point.

So Kris Humphries. You have the dubious distinction of getting the Man Up of the year. Just like LeBron, Mike Vick, Tiger Woods and any other sports figure who comes under fire, you can fight this and make it all go away by winning. That clears up all sins. Vegas currently has the Nets at 75/1 odds to take it all home. Good luck with that. Here’s a tip though. Here’s the hardest thing you ever did and somehow it just made you look like an asshole. Here was your Man Up moment and you messed it all up.

What are you 5? You can guarantee Kim was gonna make you pay for that one. Girls generally don’t find getting dropped in the water from 15 feet funny. FYI.

That doesn’t mean that clip isn’t hilarious. Kim really was not expecting that one.

Kris Humphries Man Up! You’ve gone from obscurity to infamy as the worst cat out there. You are literally famous for being terrible. That’s pretty much the worst kind of fame you can have.

-Brock

 

Come On Bruh! NBA Special Edition

Before I get to the Come On Bruh! Section of this post, I have to give props to Kendrick Perkins. When the lockout went down, there were bets on who was going to get the Shawn Kemp award. If you don’t know Shawn Kemp was the baddest leaper in the NBA prior to the last lockout. He was as explosive as Blake Griffin. He went from “The Reignman” in Seattle:

To this dude, who just really wants you to say the barbecue is at your crib this weekend.

Shoulders just one smooth slope from the left to the right, like my man is perfectly round outside of the picture.

Kendrick Perkins pulled a reverse Shawn Kemp. He dropped 32 pounds in the offseason.

He went from looking hungry:

To somehow still looking hungry, but in a good way.

But the Come on Bruh goes to another Shawn, Shawn Marion.

Shawn really decided that blonde Fauxhawk was a good idea, huh? Dude gets a ring and just immediately flips the “I don’t give a damn” switch on his entire life. He just looks like he gave up. It’s sad really. Even Sisqo thinks he looks ridiculous.

That’s about as bad as it gets.

Shawn Marion. Come on Bruh, you’re better than that.

-Brock

Never Underestimate the Power of the Party Girl

It doesn’t matter if you are in the club, at a house party, or at a bar, Party Girl always helps. She’s easy to find too. Her war cry is “Woooooooo!” and she can usually be found in the middle of the room,on tables, she stays in the mix.

She knows how to get the party started. You need this chick. She doesn’t ever have to be the sexy one and, honestly, most often she isn’t. The sexy girl is too busy in the corner getting free drinks and getting hollered at. Party girl is out there getting so drunk she doesn’t really care what else is going on anyway. She’s just in the middle of the room filling up space and making it seem like there is a lot more going on than there actually is.

But there is a party girl who can take it to the whole next level. Naked party girl.

That’s hilarious. Some girls just always want to take it to the next level. It’s like a constant Girls Gone Wild episode. You never know when she is going to just break out and end up running around in nothing but underwear. This chick just went all out though. It looks like it was actually a nice event too. Everyone is dressed up pretty nicely, but this girl is so comfortable with her body she just wanted to get naked for the picture. Hilarious. I’m sure it is some college semi-formal and she just needed something crazy for the Tri-delt of University of Texas Facebook page.

She’s got a nice little body though. Respectable J game, looks like she’s got a little four-pack working in the abs, and you know your boy Brock loves a strong hip crease. She’s so wild she’s got a nice color to her with no tan lines. Probably likes to get buck naked outside too.

You know why I love the internet though? Naked Party girl never strikes once. This is a lifestyle. I had the interns do a little research to see if they can track more shots down. We got a angle two or something in there?

Wait a minute. Wait a got-damn minute. Oh. Oh no. This isn’t Naked Party girl. THAT WAS AN ARM?!?! The hip crease…nothing but an elbow? I can’t take it. Does the fact that we thought that arm was a hot naked chick make the arm sexy?

I know half of you degenerates were checking out that chicks arm a few minutes ago and you would have hit it. That girls arm was a 1 on someone’s binary scale. You know who you are. I want you to spend some time this weekend reflecting on your life and personal preferences this weekend.

It will be okay. We will still be here on Monday. You can always scroll back up to the first pic and pretend like none of this ever happened.

-Brock

In Case You Forgot: Rihanna Is Sexy

Rihanna has a new album coming out next week, so you know what that means…she is showing up half butt naked all over the internets. There is the official stuff like being named Esquire’s Woman of the Year. I’d like to point out that she was UvT Quality chick of the year two years ago, because I’m ahead of the got damn curve, but you already know that.

Personally, I like the candid shots myself. Not just level 5 on the UvT NSFW buck naked camera phone joints either. Rihanna has evolved, her personal shots are classy now.

I’ll take two orders of the Saltinbocca. That tongue is completely gratuitous by the way. That’s not even the good stuff though.

Does Rihanna do wind blown tail shots?

Yes she does.

How about ridiculous poses of her smiling at you on all fours?

She’s got that covered too.

Side note, that hip tattoo has been killing me since she got it.

Finally, we find out why Rihanna doesn’t have a male assistant. Because if anyone from TeamUs had this job, Ms. Ri-Ri would have a lot more than a thong wedged in that tail piece.

That back arch is top 5 right now. The girl isn’t even trying. She’s just on vacation getting a little sunblock sprayed into her ass crack. I’ll know I’ve made it when I get to hire someone to spray sunblock into my ass crack.

When I do, she’s not gonna look like one of Mike Lawry’s ladies though. Haaaaaaaa! My bad, I had to get one in after all the action in the comments from last week.

-Brock

Kim Kardashian Redefines Fail Tail

I have to imagine that every long time reader of Us Versus Them knew exactly which post would be headlining Wednesday when you heard that Kim Kardashian was filing for divorce. This is about the only way a tail as epic as Kim Kardashian’s could fail.

72 days?

You make a commitment that is supposed to last for the rest of your life and you quit after 72 days? What the hell did they talk about before the wedding? What made her think her relationship might be forever then change her mind so quickly?

How do you go from true love and throwing a $10 million wedding to calling the whole thing off that quickly? If Kim Kardashian owed me money, I’d have my eye on her. Hell, I wouldn’t let her watch my laptop at Starbucks while I went to the bathroom. She might just say the hell with it and leave my stuff out there. LeBron James in the fourth quarter thinks she should have been more focused. Sarah Palin resigning as Governor of Alaska thinks Kim could have stuck it out. Bernie Madoff thinks Kim might have her personal principles in the wrong place.

I knew this was coming though. I thought young Kris Humphries might have been in a little over his head when I heard about a week after the wedding that he didn’t know Kim had been married before. That is usually something that comes out during that “getting to know you” phase of engagement. I’ve just got my fingers crossed that he was familiar with the fact that there might be a video out there with Ray J...and she wasn’t singing a duet. Fine, she kinda was. Hell, Actually, I’m mad at him if he did review the tape. As a professional athlete, he should be an expert a breaking down game tape. He should have known he was getting a Sebastian Telfair type player. Looks like he’s built for the game, but possessing questionable skills on the next level.

Also, it is never a good idea to let a woman buy herself her own engagement ring.

There are certain things that as a man, you just have to do.  Find the answer to the question, “what was that noise?”. Step up in a fight when someone disrespects your lady. And when it is time to get married, you get the ring. Forget who wears the pants, Kim took this dudes balls from the jump. Here’s the question I asked on Twitter the other day. (You already follow right? If you don’t go ahead and click here to catch up with the rest of Team Us.) If Kim bought herself her own ring, does she give the ring back to herself now that she got a divorce. Or does she put it away to let the next dude give it to her?

The funny thing is that this is the first day of what was supposed to be the NBA season. I consider Kris Humphries the first casualty of the lost NBA season. Look, the dude is a 5 points, 5 rebounds guy. He’s not exactly pulling in that Kobe money. Kris made good money last year, a little over 3 million (side note: 5 and 5 dudes who get paid a guaranteed 3 million stacks a year are the problem with the NBA). $3 million is a lot of money until you start to live like you make $20 million and your money comes to a full stop.

You best believe that Kim pulled up with joint account when Kris’ checks didn’t start showing up and was like…”baby…why do we have $85,000 in the account? Where is the rest of it? Wait, that’s all of it? Can you bring me the folder from my room. Yeah. It’s right there in my top drawer. Just bring it here and we’ll go through it together.”

See, David Stern? The lockout is ruining families. Kim Kardashian thought she was a star maker and when she got 2 months in and realized that Kris still has about 0.0% name recognition she dropped his ass to the waiver wire like she was about to miss a league trade deadline.

Here’s the final point. Another way we should have seen it coming. Let’s play a little game of “one of these kids is not like the others” with Kimmy K’s exes.

Ray J:

Reggie Bush:

Kris Humphries:

Hmmmmm. Which one looks like Kim might be able to take him in a fist fight? Look, I’m not saying Kim Kardashian has a “type” but if the next dude she dates isn’t a brown skinned brother with a perfectly round head he might want to assume it might not be long term.

The worst part? Now Lamar Odom isn’t his brother in law, he’s the competition on the basketball court. You know pro athletes will use any edge to get the win. In fact, I have a video from when Lamar Odom told his boys on the Lakers that Kim told the family all the dirty details about why the relationship wouldn’t work:

Haaaaaa. It wasn’t pretty.

Kim K is back on the market. Here’s to hoping she recovers from the emotional roller coaster by hitting the gym and going on a worldwide “don’t forget I have the most banging body in the entire U.S. of A publicity tour.”

Fingers crossed.

-Brock

Elephant Hunting: UPDATED!…AGAIN!

I ain’t gon lie. Now hear this….This post right here, might get me banned from UvT for the rest of my life. I’ma let you in on a little personal side of me. I’ve known Brock and Lake over a decade. I’ve been on enough adventures with them  and had enough wild times that I know what they like in women. All of you have similar tastes. I know…I know. Let me show you this chart.

Now, what you’re looking at is our personal preferences in what we like in a woman.  As you can see, Lake and Brock’s preferences are very similar.  My preferences overlap their preferences a lot as well, but as you can see my net is a little bigger….and a little lower.   That area in my circle that Brock and Lake can’t get down with? They don’t want no parts of that. That’s for me, me alone, I’m on an island with that piece…by myself, and I’m fine with that.   I like them thick!!   Now my Pops is black and my Mama is white, but she got black features.   That whole side of the family does.   That’s my cousin on the right.

Feel me?

I like ‘em like that, and I even like them thicker.  Now I don’t care what race you are, but you gotta have black features.   Juice in the caboose.  I got brainwashed for a minute out here in LA, but I finally had to cut off my last girl because I couldn’t take it.   She had a face that made you want to kiss her for 4 hours straight, but the tail looked like she had been spanked continuously for a year  by a pizza spatula.

Anyway, so I’m over my french vanilla’s spot last night and I spot this chick on the cover of Elle Magazine.

I said to myself, “that’s a nice face I need to see more.”  Caught the name and looked on the web right quick.

Meet Tara Lynn

Now she don’t have the powerful gorilla cheeks that my cousin is packing, but I could have a lot of fun with that.  I like some thick legs that I can wrestle with….

…Just hide behind the door and tackle her to the bed….

My boy is a consultant and he only works from time to time.  He calls it elephant hunting, kill a job that he could eat off of for 4 months before he gotta work again.  That’s how I look at this.   I’m not trying to snack for a minute, I’m trying to eat for a week.

Now look.  I know what you’re thinking. I see it too. She’s got a bit of a stomach. It’s a Lawry’s Salt level 7. But trust The Kid, I’d be chasing this broad around the house like Wile E Coyote chasing the Road Runner. She’d trim that joint up in a week.

So like I said, this falls outside of the intersection of Brock’s and Lake’s preferred mujer, but I know somebody feels me if you’re being honest. Don’t think it is all good though, I have limits too. If you can roll over and kill me by accident in the middle of the night, Lawry ain’t checking for you.

Ain’t enough Lawry’s Seasoned Salt in Costco to rate this one.

-Mike

———————-UPDATE——————–

Ahhhhh, the folly of youth. My boy the young’n Mike Lawry is coming out of the gate swinging. As an experienced Assologist I can see the mistakes he is making from a mile away. Sometimes you have to let em learn on their own. I’m realizing that might be the burden of the Assologist…I might be entering the next phase of my tenure as the worlds leading authority on the cheeks that never smile, the father of Tailonomics, I need to give back to the kids. Sit on down right now for a quick lesson in Modern Assology.

Now young Mike might be elephant hunting, but what he doesn’t realize is that he is trying to identify a rare species that does not exist. The perfectly formed thick tail is the exclusive physical trait of the black woman. (and the occasional Asian chick that Itzdatdude from the comments finds on the internets). When you try to look for the true Whooty, you might as well be Unicorn hunting for real. It doesn’t exist, it is all just an illusion. But modern technology makes it possible. Here’s an example.

I’ll tell you what I like. I like a woman who knows what she brings to the party and is prepared to get every single possible inch out of what God gave her. This young lady has it all packed in tight. Throw on some heels and with a boot cut and suddenly the illusion is complete. You can’t let them tuck the muffin top back in and tell you it is just a muffin. You know she’s been baking her entire life and all of a sudden she can’t account for where the muffin tops all went? That metaphor lost it’s way some where in there. I say all of that to say this. C’mon man, that’s not ass, shes just got everything tucked and placed in the approximate location of ass. Like the old trick where you would show how big your bicep is by pushing it up from the other side.  I know, I know, by time you get her home and out of those jeans and find out the truth it is too late to stop, I know.

Look, I’m not gonna tell you what to like. I just want to make sure you are making the decision you think you are making. That’s my duty, I’ve got to pay it forward.

-Brock

————UPDATE——…AGAIN!—————–

Ha!  I see my boy Brock is trying to son me with a Second Round TKO, LL Cool J/Cannibus styles.

Let me make one thing clear for you playas and playettes.  When it comes to assology, I am a Big Homey OG in the game.  I had a stallion so bad, when I walked through the Bronx Zoo, the silver backs used to bow in respect for those cheeks.

Also, check it.  I’ve been around the world, sowed my royal oats and have seen enough to know that the Whooty does exist, and it also comes in a variety of flavors.  Just cause you ain’t see it, don’t mean it don’t exist.  Don’t limit me to other people’s limitations.  But I don’t have to go across any country, state or city lines.  Whooties run around this city like roaches in the projects.  For example…

Jenna ain’t playing!!!  Ya heard?????

Like I said, I’m not ridiculous with mine.  My net is a little bigger, that’s all.   I put them on that Lawry’s diet and shape up program, and put them back on the street for the suckas to come sloppy seconds.  Like Red Cafe said, “I ain’t no backyard nicca, but my workout plan will make your backyard bigger.”   If I wasn’t worried about her reading this and coming knocking at my door with a cleaver, I’d put up a picture of my Philijapexican – (fill-i-juh-PEX-i-cun) Philipino + Japanese + Mexican, to show you that it is possible to be thick, firm, flat stomach, junky, in jeans, out of jeans and with no rolls.

I’ll end with this.   I mean, look, I like the slim goodies with the pretty face and with that thang pokin’ out.  But I also like a thick trunked slim bellied Secretariat.    Like I said, I have limits.  If cats flip on me at my bachelor party like Hip Hip Jorge (below), it’s time to fire the best man.

 

Ain’t enough salt in the ocean….

-Mike

Kim Kardashian Can Still Throw the 100 MPH Fastball

 

This place used to be the house that Kimmy K built. I’m still not quite sure why she is famous but the young lady has a body on her. I have to admit. I thought she fell off. She got married, a few pictures came out where she seemed to have lost a step. But she went to New York Fashion week and my homey Slick Jefferson let me know she still has it.

You know I can’t give it to you all at once. You can see she’s bringing a classic look. This shot does emphasize her under appreciated J’s. You know there is only one angle that matters.

Damn. She really does still have it. Well put together Ms. Kardashian.

-Brock