Jennifer Love Hewitt is…Whoa, Where’d THAT Come From?

I’m pretty sure this picture is self explanatory.

Now when I said it was self explanatory, I meant the quality of the picture explains itself, I can’t explain how the image captured in the picture is possible based on the all the empirical evidence I’ve seen over the years. But I live in the moment, so I’ll just appreciate the now and not worry about the past or the future.

-Brock

I will say if this photo has not been manipulated, we will be discussing Ms. Love Hewitt more in the future.

If Us Versus Them Directed the Gangnam Style Video

I’m pretty much done with the Gangnam Style song at this point. I can’t lie, the video still gets me on occasion, but until PSY releases a follow up that does a billion hits on YouTube, I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough. Until I saw this version. You know what, I’m getting ahead of myself, these are the Panicats:

I  don’t speak Brazilian, but if my assumption is correct, “Panicats” has something to do with hitting the squat rack at the gym and a lack of clothing. So much meaning in one little word. Portuguese is such a complex language. So I don’t know what these ladies do for a day job, but some genius got them to remake the Gangnam Style video shot for shot. Well…better than shot for shot, you’ll see.

How tired do people have to be of Gangnam Style for that version to have only 27,000 hits? Did you see what I saw? Was anyone else anxiously waiting for the elevator scene? Which, by the way, did NOT disappoint.

Yup, that just got the 20 or so people who didn’t want to click the video right now based solely on my recommendation to click the video. Or on the other hand, just make the 30% of you who are reading this at work decide NOT to click it…until you get home later. Hell of a tribute from the ladies of Panico.

Shout out to the homey H8torade for finding this one. Go ahead and hit him up to say thanks.

-Brock

Dear Ladies: You May Win A Few Battles, But I Have Evidence Men Have Already Won The War

When I was about to write this post about women who think it is a good idea to take stripper….errrrrrr….pole dancing classes, I thought to myself…”I can’t believe I haven’t already done this post”. Then I looked through the archives and saw that I have already done this post and it is hilarious. You should go back and read it NOW.

The pole dancing classes have not stopped though, so apparently:

1. I think too much of my own ability to change the world.

2. I can actually change the world, but some people aren’t referring to their standard issue “Team Us” handbooks on a daily basis.

3. Bitches be trippin.

4. I need to further clarify my position on this topic because I was rolling through the rough and rugged streets of LA (yes those are palm trees in the background) and saw this:

Ladies in  the greater Los Angeles area, feel free to call that number. You can tell these are creative and innovative people because the second “d” is goddess is a woman hanging upside down from one leg grabbing her 5 inch platform heel to make her body arch into the shape of the letter d. Both creative and inspiring. Because nothing says fitness and cardio health like hanging upside down from one leg.

Let’s cover the easy stuff first, let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that climbing and hanging from a pole and developing the ability to slide down said pole at varying speeds and in various positions has some sort of physiological value. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt on that, why does your “sport” require four inch tall glass heels? Why can’t women go to your gym in the stuff they wear in every other gym? Where are the tights, Nike Free’s, and sports bras? If you aren’t a stripper or training to be one, why is stripper gear required?

No one has ever put on that outfit and thought to themselves, “Time for my workout”. The only two options are “time to go take these clothes right back off for money”, or, “time to go shake everything I’ve got for this music video.” It’s also the outfit that gets handed out at the top of the slippery slope that ends in prostitution.

These classes are being sold to women as something that will teach you how to “keep your man happy”, or “get a man” or “keep your man”. It’s being sold as something that will help you get married.

Ladies if you don’t see that as a sign of the female apocalypse, you should. Do you really believe your man will not leave you because you know how to pole dance? Do you think the ability to hang upside down by one knee is a trait we are looking for in a wife? If somehow society has convinced women that acting like a stripper is the way to our heart…men have already won.

Don’t get me wrong, you will attract men like a moth to a flame. But there is no way I’m ever marrying a woman with a stripper pole installed in her bedroom. 0% chance. On the other hand, the chances I will tell all my friends I hooked up with a chick with a functional stripper pole in her bedroom? 100% Every time. Multiple times. I’m putting it on a t-shirt.

That’s how we think about it, so don’t get tricked. This also goes for women going to “booty pop” classes to learn how to make your ass clap. That’s something we want to rent, not buy. Also, if you actually make your money in strip clubs, please carry on. I appreciate you going to classes to get better at your chosen profession. Your hard work really shows up in the field.

Don’t say I’ve never tried to help anyone.

-Brock

Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.

-Brock 

It Would Actually Be More Surprising if Kanye DIDN’T Have a Sex Tape

If you think about it, we’re actually in a celebrity sex tape drought. I don’t mind, because I never watch them. I find them offensive and disgusting, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least discuss it. There have been sex tapes in every era. It wasn’t long ago when sex tapes were actual tapes. You couldn’t be slick either, video cameras were BIG. If you wanted to record a sex tape with this thing, everyone was in on it.

These days, you could drop an iPhone in the corner and have a video on the internet in 5 minutes. Back in the day there was the Pamela Anderson sextape with Tommy Lee. Right when Pam Anderson was one of the hottest women in the world. There was the R. Kelly sex tape, which because it may or may not feature in underage girl somehow simultaneously does and does not exist. Then there was the “famous for your sex tape” era, lead by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Since then, virtually nothing. Sure, nude photos keep leaking out like clockwork, but have people finally learned to stop recording sex tapes?

No. Apparently not.

Kanye West is rumored to have a sex tape.

Kanye might be the one guy who will literally suffer no ill effects from the release of the sextape. He’s already a completely wild dude. It can’t hurt his career, he’s a rapper. It can’t hurt his relationship, what’s Kim gonna do, get mad at him for having a sex tape? I know how Kanye is going to react if she ever tries to check him on it.

The only thing that would make it better is if the sex tape gods gave us a second Kim Kardashian sex tape? There is no way that’s happening until Kim’s popularity begins to fade ever again. Next best thing though? Kanye has a “type” apparently this girl is a Kimmy K look alike.

It wouldn’t be Us Versus Them if we didn’t get to meet her.

Welcome to Kanye’s life people. This would be an excellent episode of “what’s wrong with this picture” if I actually believed anyone would look at anything but the woman in the picture. I have to admit, she does seem to resemble Kim in the most important ways.

I’m talking about her long hair and smoky eyes, you degenerates.

We’re gonna ignore the fact she’s taking bathroom pictures and appears to have a patch of carpet on top of her toilet, but I’m not mad at Kanye. He name is Mony Monn (I will give her mama the benefit of the doubt and assume her name is “Monica” on her birth certificate). And she is allegedly the woman in the tape. I say allegedly because people are STILL saying it is Kim and she’s trying to cover it up just to point the finger at a booty doppelganger. Like Kim just found a chick who looked like her and stashed her for just this kind of emergency. Hilarious.

 We’re gonna need one more pic for reference purposes.

Pro tip…If you meet a girl who is a professional at taking cell phone pics of her own ass, you’ve either found a girl so in touch with herself she’s identified her best assets, or a girl who is setting your ass up. There are literally dozens of pictures of her in this pose. I know you all, you’ll Google it.

I’m not expecting Kanye to release a regular sextape. He’s gotta release the flyest sextape ever. I don’t expect this to get leaked. ‘Ye is about to get the footage himself, lay some hot tracks over it, edit a few scenes to make it day-glow, and sell it direct online.

I expect nothing less from Kanye.

-Brock

Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

Sarah Palin Pulls A Sarah Palin

If you asked me two years ago, and you asked me what “Pulling a Sarah Palin” was, I’d say it was pretending you were really good at something and trying to overcome your own shortcomings with sheer confidence and jokes. Oh, and a lot of winking.

But now I’m beginning to think it is something else. I know Sarah Palin is a rootin’ tootin’ Mav’rick. I know she stands up for everything in the ultraconservative Republican playbook. I’m not surprised by the fact that she supports “traditional marriage”. So when the whole Chick-Fil-A controversy went down…which I’m pretty sure fried chicken has been used as political weapon…I should have known it was an issue tailor-made for Sarah Palin.

As a politician. As someone who has a lot to say about America and our standards. As someone ready to speak out against gay marriage in an election year and someone who is ready to find a way to launch herself into the discussion for the 2016 election she will have a well thought out response to the Chick-Fil-A controversy.

And instead, she pulls a Palin.

Buying chicken sandwiches is the easiest protest ever, but did Sarah and Todd have to look so happy about it. With the full thumbs up? Surely there are better ways to say you disagree with the expansion of gay rights.

I’m just pissed off my delicious chicken sandwiches have become a political issue. Dammit, sometimes I just want a chicken sandwich. It doesn’t mean I hate gay people just because I love chicken nuggets and sweet tea.

Free the #1 Combo!

-Brock