Man Up Monday: The Undecided

Election day is tomorrow and if you believe the polls (I don’t) things could not be tighter. The system is designed to be tight. Here is a map from Karl Rove, his job is literally to get Mitt Romney the win at any costs. Even with everything tilting his direction and the most Republican optimistic map possible.

The crazy thing is out of 50 states, 38 of them NEVER move. Those 55 electoral votes in Cali? Never moving. Same with everything from Texas to South Carolina. Not moving. That solid block of blue in the Northeast, those stay blue. Those states between Washington and Minnesota that all seem like they are nothing but plains only because I’ve never set foot in any of them? Solid red. So you can only win by so much. There is almost no such thing as a blowout.

Which brings me to my point. The political race that ends tomorrow started about two years ago. Obama has been the candidate on the Democratic side since 2008…that wasn’t going to change. Mitt Romney has basically been running for President since 2006. That’s 6 years of Romney. If you want to know who he is, you’ve had a pretty good chance to figure it out. What, you were holding out for Michelle Bachman and Herman Caine to make a comeback?

Come on. If you thought either of them were going to still be around at this point, your inability to make a decision about the President is probably the least of your problems.

Who are the Undecided? Have you just not been paying attention? Are you even planning on voting anyway? Exactly what is the tie breaker for you? Will you stand in the voting booth staring at your choices, hand hovering above the scan form like the end of some terrible movie? You’re the assholes who sit at a big table in a restaurant and still don’t know what you want to eat when the waitress comes aren’t you?

You’ve only got 24 hours left so let’s make it simple. You clearly need an unconventional method. Let’s do it by look alone.

If you feel like you would like to slide into that middle seat next to the dude with the red tie, vote Republican.

If you would feel more comfortable grabbing an empty seat in this crowd, vote Democrat.

I promise I will not make you sit next to the redhead. She looks happy though.

So Undecided, Man Up and make up your mind. I don’t actually believe you are undecided. The last debate was two weeks ago, there has been NO new information since then. Nothing is going to happen in the next day. Everyone get out and vote tomorrow though. The worst number of this whole election is that only 73% of people are registered to vote and only 64% of Americans voted. Most of the debate is about what to do with/for/about the people who are NOT voting. Imagine what could happen if those people used their vote too.

This is my first guaranteed Man Up ever. It is impossible to be undecided after tomorrow. 100% effective. You’re welcome.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Man Buys Brazilian Girl’s virginity for $780,000

Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?

He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.

This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.

Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.

Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.

Say what?

Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?

Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.

Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.

I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.

Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad,  just sad.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Classic Material: Man Up Monday – Columbus Day Edition

Here is a classic from the archives from the homey Lake. Partially because, Why not? Everyone knows Columbus Day is some B.S. Also, because I don’t have my shat together.

So Check out Man Up Monday Columbus Day and CLICK HERE.

It’s some classic Lake Arlington burn everything down and see if there is anything left heat.

-Brock

I’m hoping to drop some fresh material later today…maybe tomorrow?

Man Up Monday: Dog People

I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!

-Brock

WTF?!? $337 Million Lottery Winner Donald Lawson Vows To Keep Eating McDonalds

The idea of the lottery is a great concept. It is actually the only form of gambling I believe in. When I go to Vegas I just can’t hit the tables. For some reason my mind can’t wrap around the idea of gambling. I like my $500 in my pocket just fine. I’m not willing to risk it just to get my hands on your $500. Most gambling is kinda sad. People are really banking on that win on that slot machine. All I know is every time I talk to a cab driver in Vegas, the first thing they tell me is stay away from the tables.

But the lottery is different. There is no reasonable person who thinks they are going to win. But a dollar to win a chance at $300 Million? Those are my kind of odds. My life is probably going to be exactly the way it is now. But for just one dollar, I might get a shot at changing everything. Now, I’m not the drop a $20 every week kind of guy, for a shot at $1.7 million. Those odds aren’t good enough. But if the numbers get right, I’ll drop $10 on em about once a year or so.

I don’t know what I’d do with the money…Although I’m pretty sure I’d set up at least one Money Mayweather style photo shoot.

I’m pretty sure outside of that, the lottery is just some choreographed government conspiracy. Why don’t rich people who already know how to handle their shit ever win the lottery? Has anyone ever seen an interview standing in front of that big ass check where the person says “I’m glad I will have the opportunity to use this to create generational wealth for myself and my family and this money will accelerate a few entrepreneurial ventures I already have in place.

Don’t even click on the comments below, no you haven’t, you see this dude.

That is an actual lottery winner from 2010. His story is crazy. He had less than $30 in his bank account when he won (still got those lotto tickets though). I love a good rags to riches story as much as the next dude, but why would I expect a dude who doesn’t know you need front teeth to get a job to manage $124 Million dollars? I can’t explain why the government would do it. I’m not too experienced with the government conspiracy thing, but I have no other explanation for the people who win the lottery.

This last winner took the cake though. Donald Lawson from Michigan won $337 Million last week. The first thing he said is that he isn’t a lobster and filet mignon type of guy, so he’s just gonna keep eating McDonalds.

I’m not mad at the fact that the dude eats McDonalds, I’m mad at the fact that the outer reaches of his imagination are lobster and filet…even then, he was like screw it, I’ll take the double cheeseburger. I like it though, you have to respect a guy who knows who he is and isn’t willing to change just because he has money.

I’ll tell you what DIDN’T come out of his mouth though. I’ll tell you one piece of his lifestyle he is going to change. That dude isn’t wearing a wedding ring.He didn’t stand up at the podium and say, “I’m gonna just keep on trying to figure this whole dating thing out and let things fall where they may. Maybe someday the right girl will come along and we will find love and a chance to share this miracle of money. Nah. According to the Us Versus Them Scale of 1-10 for what ladies are looking for, Dude just jumped about 6-7 slots into the highly desirable category. You know what that means.

Sorry, I was referencing the black dude handbook, Donald probably won’t make it rain in the club, but I guarantee he’s gonna hit the beach.

I won’t be mad at him either.

Hopefully the guy decides to at least try a Five Guys Burger or something. Time to step up to the big leagues on his burger game. I have a feeling it will blow his mind and start him down the slippery slope. He has no idea what’s coming.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday Alex Cross – A Few Things Have Changed…

Alex Cross movies aren’t exactly Bourne movies, but they have their own thing. Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider. Those movies were so good it just made it seem like Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd were in about 15 movies together. I even want to give them credit for Long Kiss Goodnight and that was Samuel L. Jackson and Geena Davis. Plus, Morgan Freeman was about as smooth as you could be with a hightop fade.

So they are bringing back Alex Cross. You thought recasting Jason Bourne was controversial? Check out the new Alex Cross.

I actually wish I was joking. This is about as close to the truth as anything else. They’ve signed up Madea as an action hero. As a detective. As a leading man. He might as be wearing a costume in this one too, he looks just as fake.

You think a gun and a goatee is supposed to make me forget that this dude usually wears a dress and says “Heller, How ya dern”? You think a badge and a mini fro are going to change all of that? Because they aren’t. This is horrible.

The worst part is the rest of the movie actually looks really good. The took Jack from Lost. A solid hero type and the dude totally transformed himself into a complete psycho.

I’d be pissed off if I signed up for a movie and got all shredded up and found out this was the first time my co-star was a man for an entire movie. Seriously, dude looks like he hasn’t had a carb since he died on the island. (Uhhhh, SPOILER ALERT?)

So this whole movie needs to Man Up. Can we sub in someone else? Anyone from the Wire will do. Stringer. Marlo. Avon. Omar. Chris. Bunk. Cutty. Hell, I’d take Cheese, Bodie and Snoop too.

Someone Man Up Alex Cross. Please.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Olympic Edition

We’re more than a full week into the Olympics now. Coverage sucks in America overall, but it REALLY sucks on the west coast. We get spoiled twice out here and it is damn near half a day before we get to see anything anyone is talking about. Usain Bolt wins a race…spoiler at noon. Then NBC decides to show it on the east coast, spoilers again at 7 while everyone who already knows how the race ends STILL comments on what happened in the race. Then I get to see it about 10 hours after it happened.

Thanks.

By the way…when do they air the USA Basketball? They NEVER get any coverage. Anyone?

The thing that really strikes me about the Olympics is how they decide which sports are in and which ones are out. I’m down with any sport where someone needs to be faster, stronger, or jump higher. That all makes sense. Gymnastics? Fine, they need somewhere to compete. Fighting? Also good. Shooting stuff? Only because archery was a legitimate life skill when the Olympics started. Horse jumping? Not so sure about that.

But those aren’t even the worst ones. What the hell is trampoline?

How do you get into that? Is this synchronized? Why do these cats get the same medal as the world’s fastest man again?

There actually is an exception to the “faster” rule too. What about “racewalking”?

Who decided to make a race called “run, but not too fast?” Running wasn’t good enough? I’m sure these people are in good shape, but it is hard work to make sprinters…who wear tights…look like their outfits are completely legit. Those silky short, shorts are the worst piece of athletic equipment ever invented.

Worst. Ever.

Then there are sports that aren’t in. Where is cricket? Isn’t that popular somewhere? Ultimate Frisbee? Why not Olympic golf? Indy car racing? That stuff is out, but you know what is in? Horse Dancing. Also known as Dressage. (I’m going to go ahead and assume you say that fancy, like massage.

Not jumping, not running fast (if you’re gonna let horses in…why aren’t they racing again?) We’re talking about dudes in jackets with tails making horses dance. It sounds like some B.S., but that horse up there is really high-stepping right now. Does the horse get the medal or the dude in the high boots? Who is the athlete here? By the way, you want to know how rich people get down? Mitt Romney owns that horse up there. Listen to me now, Mitt Romney owns an Olympic level dancing horse. THAT’S how you know you might have a lot of loot laying around. I guess horses need jobs too.

So all these sports need to Man Up. There should be some kind of review every 4 years to kick out the sports no one should be doing in 2032. Was there really some kid sitting at home this week thinking about how they want to dedicate themselves to horse dancing for the next 20 years?

I hope not. I really do.

One thing that makes no sense that i can get behind though? Beach Volleyball is already one of the most visually engaging sports in the olympics. They already have women dressed in bikinis running around in sand. Yet, they feel the need to roll out the Olympic beach dancers. No medal, no competition, just some entertainment. It’s like having having a bikini model contest intermission during a bikini model contest.

That’s to say it’s great.

Nope. That’s an Olympic tradition that seems like it might stand the test of time. I’m thinking the 2016 Olympics in Rio might really revolutionize  the beach dancers in a few years.

Olympics…Man Up!

-Brock