Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

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Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

It Would Actually Be More Surprising if Kanye DIDN’T Have a Sex Tape

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If you think about it, we’re actually in a celebrity sex tape drought. I don’t mind, because I never watch them. I find them offensive and disgusting, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least discuss it. There have been sex tapes in every era. It wasn’t long ago when sex tapes were actual tapes. You couldn’t be slick either, video cameras were BIG. If you wanted to record a sex tape with this thing, everyone was in on it.

These days, you could drop an iPhone in the corner and have a video on the internet in 5 minutes. Back in the day there was the Pamela Anderson sextape with Tommy Lee. Right when Pam Anderson was one of the hottest women in the world. There was the R. Kelly sex tape, which because it may or may not feature in underage girl somehow simultaneously does and does not exist. Then there was the “famous for your sex tape” era, lead by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Since then, virtually nothing. Sure, nude photos keep leaking out like clockwork, but have people finally learned to stop recording sex tapes?

No. Apparently not.

Kanye West is rumored to have a sex tape.

Kanye might be the one guy who will literally suffer no ill effects from the release of the sextape. He’s already a completely wild dude. It can’t hurt his career, he’s a rapper. It can’t hurt his relationship, what’s Kim gonna do, get mad at him for having a sex tape? I know how Kanye is going to react if she ever tries to check him on it.

The only thing that would make it better is if the sex tape gods gave us a second Kim Kardashian sex tape? There is no way that’s happening until Kim’s popularity begins to fade ever again. Next best thing though? Kanye has a “type” apparently this girl is a Kimmy K look alike.

It wouldn’t be Us Versus Them if we didn’t get to meet her.

Welcome to Kanye’s life people. This would be an excellent episode of “what’s wrong with this picture” if I actually believed anyone would look at anything but the woman in the picture. I have to admit, she does seem to resemble Kim in the most important ways.

I’m talking about her long hair and smoky eyes, you degenerates.

We’re gonna ignore the fact she’s taking bathroom pictures and appears to have a patch of carpet on top of her toilet, but I’m not mad at Kanye. He name is Mony Monn (I will give her mama the benefit of the doubt and assume her name is “Monica” on her birth certificate). And she is allegedly the woman in the tape. I say allegedly because people are STILL saying it is Kim and she’s trying to cover it up just to point the finger at a booty doppelganger. Like Kim just found a chick who looked like her and stashed her for just this kind of emergency. Hilarious.

 We’re gonna need one more pic for reference purposes.

Pro tip…If you meet a girl who is a professional at taking cell phone pics of her own ass, you’ve either found a girl so in touch with herself she’s identified her best assets, or a girl who is setting your ass up. There are literally dozens of pictures of her in this pose. I know you all, you’ll Google it.

I’m not expecting Kanye to release a regular sextape. He’s gotta release the flyest sextape ever. I don’t expect this to get leaked. ‘Ye is about to get the footage himself, lay some hot tracks over it, edit a few scenes to make it day-glow, and sell it direct online.

I expect nothing less from Kanye.

-Brock

With Respects to Mike Tyson, THIS is now the Greatest Video I’ve Ever Seen

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Last week, I wrote an entire post about the greatest YouTube video I had ever seen. The reign of Mike Tyson will only last one week because some Korean rapper named PSY has already outdone it.

WARNING: There is absolutely not a single word in this song you will understand unless you are one of my Korean fans. You two know who you are. SURPRISE BONUS: Music truly knows no language. You will know exactly what is going on here. Enjoy. Don’t play yourself and turn it off early either, he rocks from start to end.

Let’s break it down in UvT vision, shall we?

0:10 Yeah, I thought he was saying “Open Condom style” too.

0:20 I thought the little kid dancing was the greatest thing ever until PSY broke out that perfectly executed Triple H style water spray in the background.

0:35 That dance would be completely ridiculous if he didn’t have so much confidence. No I don’t know why trash is flying around either.

0:39 Why do I get the feeling he didn’t tell those chicks it was going to snow?

0:55 That girl in the converse shoes is kinda thick. My bad.

0:58 If a dude in the sauna ever starts to pop and lock, feel free to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.

1:09 Explosion! Unnecessary. But also not fake there is legitimately stuff burning in the background back there.

1:11 Wasn’t that dance in the Will Smith Wild Wild West video? (cued up for your viewing pleasure. Sisqo was on that track? Wow)

1:26 That dance has never appeared anywhere ever. Yet it is still the greatest dance I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why were are horses in the shot, but they make it feel classy.

1:37 Gotta appreciate an ass shot of a chick with no ass. Complete with rewind like she’s a member of the Official Twerk Team.

1:42 Awwwww shit, dance battle! Nice kicks.

1:55 How long to you have to be pumping in an elevator before the door opens mere inches above a dudes head to ensure you are pumping when the doors open? Also…socks and sandals…aaaaand that green shirt might be a dress. I’ll assume that’s Korean humor.

2:12 Even NFL Rookies on draft day think that shirt has too many buttons.

2:23 What you gonna do about that Hammer?

2:48 Sorry I actually got up and did that little shuffle dance. By myself. At the crib.

3:20 Bollywood style!

3:44 Awwww, you thought it was over? IT AIN’T OVER!

3:58 That final shuffle kills the game.

I’m worn out after that one. Downloading Gangnam Style for the UvT windows up playlist immediately.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Dirk Nowitzki Needs To Man Down

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It’s Baseball season so I’m going to have to reach back into the NBA season for this one. I was a bit disappointed in the Dallas Mavericks this season. I think they really fell off. In the finals last season, Dirk Nowitzki was completely unstoppable. People were talking best player in the league. People were talking about him being the best international player ever (maybe). People were talking about him being top ten all time (getdafuggouttahere). I will say this, respect for the dude for working on his crossover and dating the black woman.

She’s bad too. But for Dirk this was just the beginning. He didn’t just want the Black fiancee, he really wanted to get involved in the black community. First he went with the obvious stuff.

No creativity there. But that’s a good start. Why not shoot right for the top. Get down with president Obama. After this Dirk apparently watched all the classics. New Jack City, Boyz in the the Hood, Juice, Hollywood Shuffle, Friday, he just immersed himself in Black culture. The Mavs didn’t win this year because Dirk was studying all of Black History month. He just didn’t have time for hoops. But he had to show his lady he was ready to keep it real.

Then it all went terribly wrong.

You see, even part of being on the inside of the culture is knowing which pieces of the culture you don’t really have to go for. Which pieces you need to shut down. Dirk doesn’t know when to pump the breaks. He’s trying to man up to prove how down he is for his lady, but he might need to man down on this one.

Check it out.

Dear Dirk, even Black people don’t break out the traditional African gear…especially not with the hat. Never the hat dude. Can you imagine seeing this guy? He’s seven feet tall! That hat makes him 7’3″. The hat might actually brush up against the bottom of the net of a regulation NBA goal. I hear in the town he was in, people reported seeing a tiny hovering orange UFO flying through the sky.

Believe it or not, it gets worse.

He got up on that Conga line? (Errrrrr…maybe in this instance it is a congo line?). I hope it worked out for you Dirk, you really went all out. There has never been a challenge in the history of The Bachelor or For the Love of anyone that has gone this hard.

Dirk, I usually use this space to tell someone to Man Up, but I’m going to tell you to Man Down. We know you love that girl…but you don’t have to do all this. No means No man. You don’t have to go out like this. Here’s a tip, if your lady says she really needs you to go out into the jungle for a three day tour with nothing but a knife, three leaves and a canteen of water, just say “nah baby, I ain’t going no where.” That’s all it takes. I believe in you.

Dirk Nowitzki…Man Up and Man the hell Down.

-Brock

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. What if all Presidents Had Secret Jobs?

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With the release of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter this weekend, we were asked to do a lot. Suspend disbelief, accept the fact that Hollywood will try anything, and think about the fact we might not know everything about the Presidents. So it got me thinking. Maybe there are some other Presidential side-jobs. Let’s take a look shall we?

Bill Clinton: Ho Slayer

George Bush: Logic Disagreementer

JFK: Model Fornicator

George Washington: Ninja

Franklin Roosevelt: Wheelchair Stuntman

John Adams : Second Cousin to Beer Inspirer

Barack Obama : Matrix Destroyer

Ronald Reagan : Fancy Cowboy

Andrew Johnson : Straight Gangsta

Herbert Hoover : Booty Mover

Now you know. Things will never be the same.

-Brock

 

Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

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The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of the rest of the season the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.

-Brock

Come on Bruh! Kanye West Has a Hip Slip

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Now I personally prefer a nip slip, but this is too wild to pass up. Now I haven’t talked about the Kanye West and Kim Kardashian relationship yet, and the relationship already seems pretty ridiculous. We all know Kanye likes bad chicks though, so for him…why not? Kanye was getting out of a car with Kim the other day and this happened:

First of all, no grown man should have his pants riding so low it is possible for the thigh to come out, especially  if he’s rocking a velvet blazer. Second, anytime your draws situation allows for the display of that much thigh…you need to reevaluate your draws situation. Even Kanye thinks this situation is a little funny.

Maybe not.

Come on Bruh!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Pau Gasol

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No big man can escape the the posterizations that Blake Griffin hands out on a near-daily basis. But these dunks over Pau Gasol really take it to the next level. We all remember the dunk over Kendrick Perkins, but I couldn’t really blame Perk for that. Perkins got beat on a basketball play and just lost the battle in the air. Pau Gasol is another deal altogether.

I really think it was that last elbow to the chin that really makes it look bad. Blake just dominated the bigger man there. I think bailing out on the play actually isn’t worse than ending up on the floor after getting dunked on. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it got much worse.

That seems unnecessary. Blake saw it coming all the ay too. He was just creeping toward the rim as the shot went up. Once again Pau ends up on the ground.

Those are football plays right there people. It would be scary to see what those collisions would be if Griffin had on pads and a helmet. I’m betting Pau Gasol still wouldn’t want any.

So Pau Gasol, you need to Man Up! That was embarrassing. If you aren’t quite sure exactly how. Check your boy Kendrick Perkins. He understands what it takes to Man Up.

That’s how you make it happen.

-Brock

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