The Interracial Future of America

With the Presidential Debates last night, we all got to think about what is really important to us. For me it is about seeing everyone for their unique perspective. Recognizing what they bring to the table. We all have so much to learn from each other. I personally think the blending and mixing of all the people of America is important. I’ve seen the future and I want to share it with you. Show you how beautiful it can me when black people and white people can come together, no matter the color of their skin.

Even if the color of their skin changes at the neckline. If you got to the local CVS and all they had left was the “cocoa” bottle of self tanner, and you commit to the arms and chest of a black man, you’ve got to go all the way. In this case it would have probably come off like black face, but after seeing the “white face” version of it, I’m personally willing to give him a pass. What can Brown Do For You Indeed.

Feel free to scroll up and down and play “body of a black man”, “head of a white man”. It will provide minutes of entertainment.

-Brock

Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.

-Brock 

Augusta Finally Admits Women. Are We Surprised? It IS Called the “Massas” ERRRRRR… “Masters”.

Augusta National is making history this week. I grew up in Atlanta, and every once in a while, I need a reminder that the rest of Georgia is still a little different.

The place still even looks a little plantation-ish.  But Augusta national really stepped up this week and finally admitted women into their club. Not just any women, they went with Condoleezza (IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT IS SPELLED? DAMN!) Rice and Darla Moore. Before I go any further, congrats to both ladies it was a long time coming.

Now that is out of the way…

Moore is a partner with Rainwater, Inc…so she’s rich. And has been rich. According to Wikipedia, she lives on an *Ahem*, and I’m quoting here, plantation in Lake City South Carolina that has been in her family for six generations. Slavery ended in 1865, so according to my math, her family probably got a solid two generations of good ol South Carolina slavery in before they had to give it up. Uhhhh, congrats?

Then there is Condoleezza. I mean damn, the first women had to be ex secretary of state to make the cut? How high is this bar? I hear the rest of the short list was the Queen of England, Mother Theresa, Cleopatra, Amelia Earhart and Sally Ride. Why are these standards so damn high? I know the club is exclusive, but you also know some of these jokers made the cut.

If you’re a guy, you don’t have to be one of the most important people in the history of the earth to get a round of golf in. I wonder if they have fully built out the women’s locker room for those two, or if they just added a few benches and lockers to the ladies room. I wouldn’t put it past them.

Why are we celebrating this again?  Does this just prove that if you are really persistent about being an asshole you can actually get rewarded for it when you finally stop being an asshole? If you just hold out on something sexist long enough you can celebrate as soon as you catch up with the rest of society?

Are there still places where black people aren’t allowed because I want to go there and get a little news coverage. Seriously, if someone knows about a cheesesteak spot in Philly that has never served a sandwich to a black dude, I’ll gladly come on out and break the color and deliciousness barrier. I’m here for history.

-Brock

 

Dear White People (And Gwyneth Paltrow) You CAN NOT Use The Word Nigga

I don’t know why this issue continues to come up. But apparently we need to cover this again. We can cut right to the chase. Dear White people, it is NEVER okay to use the word nigga. Nigger either for that matter. Hell I don’t usually use the word. I’ve just got to drop it so it hits you with that full effect. Gwyneth Paltrow either didn’t get the memo or got so high from being on stage with Jay-Z and Kanye doing Niggas in Paris IN PARIS eleven times and she temporarily went insane and sent out this tweet.

There are so many things wrong with this moment. Let’s break them down shall we?

Let’s get this out the way first. I don’t want to hear that nigga is right in the name of the song, so she should have a right to say it. I know exactly where they stop the song and whatever the song is called they actually only say nigga twice in the song up to that point. By contrast, they say fuck 6 times, shit 8 times, and bitch twice. You want a scapegoat song when you need an excuse to say nigga? Listen to this Body Work by Pusha T. I believe the total count is 49…mostly in the second verse.

Blame this epidemic on that joint, not Jay-Z and Kanye. Great song by the way.

So Gwyneth shouldn’t have done it, it was a horrible idea and there is nothing you can tell me that will make it okay. I’m going to tell you why.

REASON #1: Using the word Nigga is dangerous.

There are only a few reasons another person is allowed to kill you under the law. First, you break into their house. Second, you try to kill them or one of their loved ones. Third, they catch you fucking their wife/husband. Finally, calling a black person nigger. Under the fighting words doctrine, you can legally catch an ass whoopin. Look at that list, the rest of the items are right in the Ten Commandments. Thou Shall Not Steal. Thou Shall Not Kill. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery. I feel like if they had let a Black dude get a book in the Bible, the book of Rodney would have slipped in Thou Shall Not Say Nigga. When the law says, fuck it you are on your own, turn back. The law can’t help you.

Heres the other problem with Gwyneth sending out her tweet. Some time immediately thereafter, she realized she fucked up and needed a way out. Solution number one should have been to apologize, but instead, she went the OTHER way. She tried to find the nearest black man to help her out with a nigga pass. Kanye and Jay, must have still been busy on stage, so she went for the next best thing. The Dream.

Really? Do you really think The Dream has enough street cred to just un-nigga a nigga situation? Just because he is wearing a big ass fitted hat AND stunna shades AND a fat gold chain AND has a suede and leather collar popped? Come on. Dream tried to pretend like he was tweeting from her account. He didn’t even try to issue her a nigga pass, he tried to use his own. That’s plagiarism. Fraud. Chicanery. In fact, lets just assume The Dream DID send the tweet from Gwyneth’s phone after she logged into her account. Let’s assume this is true. So the point is The Dream is using his blackness as verification of the situation. In that case, he also undermined his own credibility at the same time. If it was the Dream, and he is so thugged out he couldn’t help but to send out that text. What the hell is “tyty, beehigh”? If it was him, that becomes the most offensive thing in the tweet. What they hell does that mean Dream? Huh? You don’t know because you didn’t send that shit. Siddown.

Gwyneth, next time try to get a cosign from Samuel L. Jackson, Cornell West, a member of the Nation of Islam, someone. damn. Maybe Kanye would have helped you out.

Maybe not.

Look, I don’t just bring up problems without offering solutions. I’ve got something that will save White people for the rest of eternity. I can take this issue off the table immediately. Invented right here at Us Versus Them. Instead of nigga, just say nilla. It’s easy. Gwyneth was on stage. How hilarious would it be if she tweeted out “They’ve got Nillas in Paris too!” Instant classic. No one can ever get mad at you because a Nilla is a delicious little cookie. The reference is always hilarious. You can use it freely and it is never offensive. Feel free to refer people directly to me if anyone has any questions.

Just do it, trust me it will be wonderful for everyone. If you decide not to follow my advice…then you deserve this:

That never gets old.

-Brock

P.S. Gwyneth, just say you’re sorry. The word offends a lot of people. It’s wrapped up in a lot of shit. I’m not saying the rules about the use and the frequency by which Black people use the word makes any sense. I can’t even defend it. It’s silly, really, but thems the rules. Deal with it.

Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of the rest of the season the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Billy Ray Cyrus Has Girl Problems

Billy Ray Cyrus has completely lost control. Sure, he turned his daughter into an international superstar, but the whole thing is backfiring on him now. I know a father believes his number one job is to make sure his daughter doesn’t become a stripper, keep her off the pole if you will, but that rule needs an update. A dad’s number one rule is to make sure  your daughter doesn’t do THIS.

Damn that is terrible, but the truth is actually simultaneously not as bad as it looks as well as way worse than it looks. Let’s back it out for a wide view.

I have to imagine Billy Ray Cyrus’ proudest day was not seeing his daughter like the balls of a gigantic black dick cake. She didn’t even go for the head, she went straight for the balls. I’m sure the super sleuths among you have noticed the cake doesn’t say happy birthday Miley. No that would be Liam, her boyfriend. With the penis cake. There isn’t a pause button big enough for this one. This red flag is not only the size of one of those flags that they roll out at halftime of the Superbowl, but it is waving vigorously in gale force wind.

What dude rocks the penis cake?

Sorry that is just a completely gratuitous shot to prove just how committed Miley is to her craft.

So how do you feel about all this Billy Ray?

Shock and Awe, Shock and Awe.

Billy Ray Cyrus. Man Up! It’s getting ugly in those streets. Go get your little girl.

-Brock

Bill Clinton Wishes He Was Seven Feet Tall

Bill Clinton is a great dude. We know now that even though he willingly took on the most stressful job in the world, he still liked to have fun on the side.

The older that picture gets, the more hilarious Monica’s hat gets. It also gets more hilarious that Bill saw that ridiculous Smurf had with the bow and thought to himself…that is one fine, pretty lady. Bill is a pretty tall guy and Monica looks like she is holding her own from a height standpoint. But after this picture, I’m sure Bill’s imagination was running wild.

I know Hillary Clinton is not literally half the height of Kareem Abdul Jabbar, that would make her about 3 and a half feet tall, but she certainly looks half his height here. Kareem’s hands are so big here, he looks like he could literally facepalm her entire face.

Now I’m not trying to imply that anything went down between Kareem and Hillary after this picture was taken, but with the recent news that Derek Jeter likes to break off his one night stands with a gift basket of Jeter memorabilia, this picture suddenly seems suspect.

Now Kareem hasn’t worn a Lakers jersey since 1989 (Thank God Wikipedia is back up! Whew.) and he’s still breaking chicks off with that number 33. It comes all the way down to her knees too. Now I’m not sure what Hillary gave to Kareem. Maybe one of those certificates for attendance that you get in Elementary school? She needs to step up her post hookup gift game.

Either way, Bill is wishing he had thought about the custom basketball jersey back in the Lewinsky scandal days.

That could have solved the whole “Stain on the dress” problem. I’m just sayin.

-Brock

 

 

 

Race Based Bake Sale: I’ll Have The Marble Cake

I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now. The Berkeley College Republicans at UC Berkeley came up with the brilliant idea to have a “Race Based Bake Sale”. No, it isn’t some sort of awesome marathon/food challenge like the incredible “Krispy Kreme Challenge” like they do down in Raleigh for the NC Children’s hospital. (That’s a 4 mile race with a stop in the middle to eat a dozen delicious Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hilarity ensues.) Instead, the Berkeley College Republicans held a bake sale and wanted to get attention make a statement by setting the prices based on race. They were trying to prove that affirmative action efforts are not fair. That it isn’t equitable to sell they same thing when people have to pay different prices for them. Here’s how they did it.

That would be:

Native Americans $0.25

Black/African Americans $0.75

Latino/Hispanic $1.00

Asian/Asian American $1.50

White/Caucasian $2.00

$0.25 off for all Women

I guess I appreciate the sensitivity on the titles. They didn’t want to piss people off up front. Does it look racist? That was the point. The president of the college Republicans wanted to have something that was “inherently racist” because he wants to talk about how inherently racist affirmative action is. He believes “it is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender”. I get it. He thinks affirmative action is unfair. He wants to focus on the process and not the cause or the effect. He comes up with a stunt to get attention but he gets the analogy all wrong.

(side question…where did they find that brother to sit at the back sale table? Come on Bruh!)

If they wanted to get it right, here is what the pricing structure per cupcake should be:

Asian/Asian American $100

Latino/Hispanic $500

Black/African Americans $You aren’t allowed to buy cupcakes

Native Americans $If you have some cupcakes we would like you to give them too us.

White/Caucasian $Free CUPCAKES!  All you can eat.

Hot Women: Free Cupcakes for you too!

Not hot women: Do you really need a cupcake? Really?

See, the pricing structure above shows a lot about the mindset of the Berkeley College Republicans. They see affirmative action as something that costs them. They they have to work harder to get the same cupcake. That they have to pay a higher price to get the exact same cupcake. It makes it look like the road to a cupcake just gets easier and easier if you belong to certain racial groups. In reality, affirmative action is about giving someone who has never had a cupcake a chance to taste a cupcake. Finding a person who would become a master baker if they were just exposed to cupcakes. It is the hope that by letting someone get access to a cupcake, they would expand their world so that they might be able to get access to cupcakes for their children and their grandchildren.

You know what, let’s drop the metaphor, we’re talking about education. It isn’t easy for anyone. The opportunities are different and the effects are different in a way that hurts everyone. People can do great things when they get opportunities to learn.

In addition, how about the fact that I think it is racist to give other races access to sugar-loaded, carb-laden cupcakes at a lesser price? Here is the scene after the bake sale.

Sure, that looks like a “lay in” protest showing that a lot of people in the UC Berkeley were protesting against the Bake sale, but in reality it is just all the people going into diabetic shock because of all the cupcakes.

I know, I know it is a serious protest. I know the people running the table were there to educate and prove a very discreet point. Not mock the issue of race or trivialize the challenges that people face.

Wait a minute.

Two white girls just show up in hot pink indian headdress and they are good to go, huh? Let’s do the math. American Indian $0.25 with the female $0.25 discount. Free cupakes!

Sounds a lot more like the UvT pricing structure than the College Republican pricing structure doesn’t it?

Look. This isn’t the first time there have been racist baked goods. For instance:

Why do the brown cakes gotta be called “Ho Ho’s”? Huh? Where’s the protest for that?

I just want everyone to get along. Like I said above, I’ll take the marble cake.

No marble cake? Damn. Then I’m with Delonte West. You betta have my doughnuts.

-Brock