There are some times when this site just isn’t about jokes. Sometimes I just have to step up and address things that go way too far. Things that are completely unacceptable. This is one of those stories.
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Worst. Mom. Ever.
The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His
General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.
The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.
The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.
I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.
10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose
9. Young Guns
8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman
7. Four Star General: The Best There Is
6. Head of the Military
5. CIA: Consumed In Ass
4. Extreme Military Pressure
3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick
2. The Rise of General Petraeus
1. The Surge
The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.
Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.
Jill Kelley also:
1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)
2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)
3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)
All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.
Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.
Lesson learned.
-Brock
Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World
I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.
Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.
http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ
I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.
He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.
I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.
(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)
Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.
Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.
That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.
That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…
-Brock
Augusta Finally Admits Women. Are We Surprised? It IS Called the “Massas” ERRRRRR… “Masters”.
Augusta National is making history this week. I grew up in Atlanta, and every once in a while, I need a reminder that the rest of Georgia is still a little different.
The place still even looks a little plantation-ish. But Augusta national really stepped up this week and finally admitted women into their club. Not just any women, they went with Condoleezza (IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT IS SPELLED? DAMN!) Rice and Darla Moore. Before I go any further, congrats to both ladies it was a long time coming.
Now that is out of the way…
Moore is a partner with Rainwater, Inc…so she’s rich. And has been rich. According to Wikipedia, she lives on an *Ahem*, and I’m quoting here, plantation in Lake City South Carolina that has been in her family for six generations. Slavery ended in 1865, so according to my math, her family probably got a solid two generations of good ol South Carolina slavery in before they had to give it up. Uhhhh, congrats?
Then there is Condoleezza. I mean damn, the first women had to be ex secretary of state to make the cut? How high is this bar? I hear the rest of the short list was the Queen of England, Mother Theresa, Cleopatra, Amelia Earhart and Sally Ride. Why are these standards so damn high? I know the club is exclusive, but you also know some of these jokers made the cut.
If you’re a guy, you don’t have to be one of the most important people in the history of the earth to get a round of golf in. I wonder if they have fully built out the women’s locker room for those two, or if they just added a few benches and lockers to the ladies room. I wouldn’t put it past them.
Why are we celebrating this again? Does this just prove that if you are really persistent about being an asshole you can actually get rewarded for it when you finally stop being an asshole? If you just hold out on something sexist long enough you can celebrate as soon as you catch up with the rest of society?
Are there still places where black people aren’t allowed because I want to go there and get a little news coverage. Seriously, if someone knows about a cheesesteak spot in Philly that has never served a sandwich to a black dude, I’ll gladly come on out and break the color and deliciousness barrier. I’m here for history.
-Brock
Fred Williard Needs Someone To Explain How The Internet Works
I’m pretty sure if you told me I’d ever write something about Fred Willard, I would have said, “who is Fred Willard?” I saw the picture, I know the guy.
He’s been around forever and in too much stuff to even list. If you care what he’s been in for research purposes, (which, because he doesn’t have boobs, you probably don’t) Google him. This isn’t really about Fred though, this is about what went down with Fred last night. Fred Willard was arrested in an adult theater to allegedly performing “Lewd acts” inside. Initially, I thought Fred was pimpin and combining his love for cinema with his love for rub & tugs. Actually, why hasn’t someone invented this yet? Movies have happy endings all the time. Why not make it official? I’d have to go the first show though. I wouldn’t really trust the seat in there. If they do invent it, I’d recommend against 3D though. No one is going to want to see anything flying toward their face in the theater known for happy endings.
Fred went down to the ol Tiki Theater in Hollywood. It was freaking 8:50pm. That’s not even the late show. Out here in LA, the sun isn’t even down at 8:50. Is this the porn equivalent of the Senior citizens show. They’ve got to get in early to get their jack on before the young kids come in and start talking back to the screen? Have you seen this spot?
That spot looks like it is covered with bodily fluids on the outside, who wants to go inside and touch anything you may find in there?
Here’s my thing. Watching porn isn’t exactly a social activity. Do you get the popcorn? If you do, surely you don’t ask for the butter, right?
I just made myself gag a little and I knew exactly where I was going with that.
Finally, who still thinks you need to go through all of this to watch porn? If you are reading this post, you have access to more porn than you will ever need in life. Of course you can just type “porn” in, but what’s the fun in that? Let’s get exotic. Pick any random word in this post to spice it up. Type in “Tiki Porn” and you get women having sex with Hawaiians in the jungle. “Popcorn porn”? Chicks buried in popcorn. “Hollywood Porn” and you pretty much get the same thing as just typing in the word “porn”. If you Google “Google Porn” it activates some sort of infinite loop and the internet swallows itself.
There is no good return on investment in driving to a theater to sit through some hour long movie? Who needs more than 5 minutes of porn? It’s not time for art appreciation. You can customize it on out. Freddy Willard if you like to break out your own junk and watch porn while you watch other dudes break out their junk and watch porn, I’m sure a few crafty searches will find you a similar experience.
Fred and everyone else, stay out of these spots. Technology will set you free. Hell, that picture of Salma Hayak up there is a pretty good start. Who needs the Tiki Theater?
-Brock
Man Up Monday: The Comedic Stylings of Daniel Tosh
Most days I love the internet. There is something incredible about the fact that anyone can actually have an opinion and publish it and people might actually get noticed. You can find someone talking about anything. You can find out all the weird things people are into. Slight downside, you might also be able to find pictures of those weird things. But there are certain points where I actually hate the “internet” as a whole. That’s because there are certain times when the internet becomes a faceless mass that is impossible to fight against.
You have to learn a few things about the internet. First, it is impossible to fight with ghosts. It’s like what I brought up when we discussed the “Shackle” shoes. Once it was declared racist, people who didn’t even know what the hell was going on decided they were racist and were ready to boycott Adidas forever sight unseen. The same thing is happening right now to Daniel Tosh.
Come on, how are you gonna be mad at that guy? Daniel Tosh is behind the show Tosh.0 which is pretty much the most offensive show on television. He’s pretty equal opportunity offensive which becomes it’s own defense in a certain “South Park” kind of way. He’s funny but, you kinda know you are either going to see something ridiculously disgusting, or he is going to say something so ridiculously disgusting that you will have at least one WTF? moment. His latest joke is his own version of “marry-fuck-kill” (offended yet?) called “Slap-Lick-fondle” where you take three people and choose who to do each of those three things to. He’s also come up with the theory that any contact less than five seconds isn’t actually sexual harassment. So he taped himself grabbing ass for four and a half seconds then letting go. I say all that to say this. His writing room seems like the most dangerous work environment ever constructed. Also, he’s created a character who is a complete dick. It is also hilarious. He also seems to get the essence of Us Versus Them.
So he’s in trouble this week because he told a “rape” joke in a comedy club one night last week. I’m not even positive it was a joke. I wasn’t there. I don’t know the set up. I don’t know what he was talking about. There were probable 100 people in the room, maybe. But somehow they are talking about it on the front page of cnn.com. You want to know how to make a joke NOT funny?
Take it out of context. Let a few “experts” analyze it. Treat it like news.
Jokes never have a chance in that environment. When I say Michael Richards what do you think of? His wild “n*gger” rant on stage, right? Dude made a decade of the greatest television, arguably ever. He created one of the most memorable characters ever on television. That shit happened in 2006. But it’s above the fold on his wiki page and I can get a video of it in three seconds. Fuck you internet! (Did I prove my point or mess it up by linking to the video? It’s so messed up there is video of that by the way) Tracy Morgan caught it for gay jokes last year. Now it is Daniel Tosh’s turn.
I get it, rape isn’t funny. Hell, I know I need to talk about the Penn State controversy, but it is hard as hell because there isn’t anything funny about a grown man creating an entire infrastructure dedicated to enticing and capturing young men underprivileged boys and sexually assaulting them. Not funny. But I guarantee “Penn State” will be a punch line for jokes for years to come. It’s now short hand for a horrible, horrible incident. Why explain something when you can do it in two words? So rape isn’t funny. There are very few things you can take from someone that are more valuable. But throwing something up on a blog that says Daniel Tosh said it would be really funny if five guys raped her in the Laugh Factory like some twisted performance art. See? Not funny? Also. Probably about 20 seconds of his 15 minute set.
That sucks. Comedians are just out there trying to figure it out. There are a lot of things in the world that don’t make sense and comedians pointing those things out and breaking them is a valuable service. Taking the most taboo subjects off the table is exactly the opposite of what we need. If we never talk about them they stay these super scary boogie men. I’m not saying rape jokes are funny or that rape is something we can make a lot of fun of, but the idea that comedians can be attacked by the internet if they slip up is terrible.
So Internet, stop being an asshole. Group decisions are made much worse on the internet. At least go check it out and get some context first. Tosh should lose his show? Not as long as it is the #1 show on Comedy Central he won’t. Nice try internet.
I’m not sure any of that was funny. But sometimes you just gotta buck shots on Man Up Monday. I’ll try extra hard to be funny on Wednesday. I’m thinking rape, oil spills, plane crashes, 9-11, hunger and famine. It’ll be hilarious.
Internet, Man Up!
-Brock
The Adidas Shackle Shoes Are NOT Racist…Turrible, but not Racist
The new controversy on the streets are the new Adidas JS Roundhouse Mids, aka the “handcuff” kicks.
They started some real problems though because everyone jumped on them and said they were racist because they had built in shackles. I say had because Adidas got so blown up that they aren’t making them anymore. I’m pretty sure that is purple suede, so that makes the cancellation unfortunate. Adidas says they didn’t know the shoes implied slavery…I’m pretty sure that was a lie since they nicknamed them the “Handcuff” shoes and these cuffs are around their ankles. By not calling them the “shackle”, the proper term for ankle chains, they were clearly avoiding something.
Predictably, Jesse Jackson was right on it.
Calling them “offensive, appalling and insensitive”. Is it even possible for Jesse to say anything else? What if Jesse showed up at CNN and just said…”Yeah, I like em”. Then Jason Whitlock pulls a classic Jason Whitlock and takes a situation he thinks is racist and double thinks himself into an even more racist position. His claim is that the shackle shoes aren’t about slavery. So far so good. He goes on to say Adidas is still wrong and is taking advantage of sneaker culture and prison culture. Which is essentially saying black people love sneakers and black people are in and love jail…that’s why these shoes are racist. Which is ironic, because the entire argument rests on two racist assumptions. Nice one Whitlock. This dude wants you to know white people end up in shackles too.
I personally don’t think these are racist. I actually hate the way twitter can shut down something before it even gets off the ground. If people get loud enough, fast enough, these companies just want to get out of the way before people get out of control.
By the way, before you get offended by these shoes, have you seen the other joints Jeremy Scott created? You want to see some offensive shoes. Check these:
Plush all the way through. I think these are misogynistic.
Or these:
I find these facking turrible. That is offensive as hell.
Finally, if you want to get all Whitlock with it, these:
On the Whitlock scale these are the most racist shoes ever made. Once you assume black people like sneakers and you assume any reference to a Gorilla is a racist jab against black people, these are horrible. They only come in black!
So Adidas decided to back down and stop making the shoes. You know what that means sneaker heads.
Ultra Rare Shoes! These joints will be going to 8 grand a pair on ebay before the week is out. Well done Twitter, you just made a pair of “racist” shoes hotter than the Air Yeezy. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
-Brock
What’s Worse Than Rap Beef? R&B Singer Beef. WE HAVE THE DRAKE VS. CHRIS BROWN FIGHT TAPE!
I’m glad the East Coast – West Coast Beef ended. The secret of rappers is by the time they are actually successful they have real jobs, they are pretty responsible and they aren’t really willing to lose their lives over a few songs. After Biggie and Pac, pretty much everyone else decided they could keep it on the track instead of taking it to the streets. Hit em up is still one of the best songs ever though.
People forget Biggie was more smalls than biggie at one point. Then he got big.
Either way, the worst version of beef is going down right now. R&B beef. We covered a long time ago how R&B singers should never be on the same song. Now I’ve got to make a new rule that R&B singers are not allowed to fight each other. I usually like to set up Us Versus Them, but this just feels like Them Versus Them. It’s as uncomfortable as listening to R&B when you are in the car with your boy. There is nothing good about it. The night before last, I guess Drake was in the same club as Chris Brown.
Point of clarification…this smiley, friendly looking dude:
Was in the club with this pleasant, enthusiastic dancing cat:
Those two were in a club last night and I guess some stuff went down. Chris tried to send Drake some champagne. Drake said I only drink Bahama Mamas, extra pineapple. Chris was all like “fack yo pineapple!” and some shit broke out.*
*(I don’t know if this actually happened, but whatever happened was sure to be as bitchy as what I just described)
Either way, it sounds like Chris Brown caught the short end of the stick…errrrr…champagne bottle. Because his bodyguard ended up in the hospital and Chris Brown tweeted out a picture of himself with a piece of his chin missing.
When did it become cool to send out pics after you got your ass whooped? What does Chris want to get out of this picture. You don’t get any street cred for getting your ass kicked by a Canadian with an Aaliyah tattoo.
I hope this doesn’t spill over too far. I can’t really handle hearing these two sing to each other all summer. You know what? There actually WAS one good R&B beef. R. Kelly vs. Mr Biggs. But unless one of the lyrics is “I think you better leave this plaaaaaace, ’cause I’m about to caaaaatch a caaaaaaase” it just isn’t worth it. Unless one of them is going to drag the other one into the salt flats and whoop the other ones ass until the can’t walk, it isn’t worth it.
If you aren’t going to hit me with the greatest exchange in R&B history it just isn’t worth it. Let this joint ride until at least until Mr. Biggs hits R. Kelly with that “Wait a minute!”.
The most pimpin line in there is “just because she sees me with her, doesn’t mean I’m sleepin with her.” Now THAT’S how you do R&B beef. Oh wait, that was all fake. Because there is no such thing as two singers anyone ACTUALLY wants to hear fight.
What? Wait a minute. One of the interns just came in with breaking news. We got our hands on the footage. That’s right, Us Versus Them has the footage from the fight. We drop exclusives! Check it.
Come on. The fight wasn’t going to be less bitchy than that. I’m almost 95% sure that’s exactly what the fight looked like.
I would have saved this punk ass fight for Man Up Monday, but I’ve got something much better for that. Have a great weekend Team Us. Happy Fathers Day to all the dads, strap up to all those who don’t want to be dads. Check you on Monday.
-Brock