Prince Harry: You Got N*ckas in Paris, We Got Princes In Vegas

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Being a Prince has to be a pretty good gig. I’m not sure what Prince Harry’s actual job is. He’s still a good five seats from being King or whatever if he is even actually still in line. Prince Charles has been waiting for that #1 spot his entire life. Queen Elizabeth isn’t giving it up any time soon. Harry already let his brother have the big fancy wedding. William is the crown prince. So basically that means Prince Harry is one of the most famous bachelors in the world, he doesn’t have many responsibilities, and he will always be a member of the royal family so what does he do?

Head to Vegas and get loose.

You know it’s a party when you break out the straw hat. Harry didn’t stop there. He was rolling with wildman Ryan Lochte and the ladies didn’t take long to see through his disguise. Harry didn’t hesitate to take full advantage.

I call this pic, “I’m gonna take her…oh and her over there…she can come up to the room…and do you want to recreate the bath scene from Coming to America?”

Harry didn’t end there, once he got up to the room, things really got interesting. Prince Harry is the Honey Badger of the Royal Family, he doesn’t give a fuck. Actually, I think he might have given a fuck on this one.

Literally.

Nothing to do in a VIP suite in Vegas after a long day at the pool other than get a few chicks up to the room and get buck naked. It didn’t end there. He really wanted to get it in.

First things first, the fact TMZ felt like the needed to drop in that star disturbs me. Second, I don’t know about the rest of you, but every time in my life I’ve been full monte naked with my junk firmly lodged in the azz crack of a naked young woman, I’m not able to stand that close to her unless she is playing a game of hide Lil Brick. I’m going to give Prince Harry the benefit of the doubt and assume he wasn’t banging some chick out next to a pool table in front of someone who has a camera phone…but that’s sure what it looks like.

I’m down with it. Prince Harry has nothing to lose. I really don’t see the problem other than the complete violation of the Vegas ground rules here. Every VIP suite in Vegas should just have a big box next to the front door where everyone drops their cell phones. If I’m running around naked in a Vegas Hotel room, I don’t want anyone telling the story, much less taking pics that end up on TMZ.

We got these Princes in Vegas and they Goin Gorillas…Huh?

-Brock

 

Diana Nyad: Woman Fails to on Fourth Attempt to Swim From Cuba to Florida

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Sometimes there are amazing stories of human challenge and triumph. There are always inspirational tales about people pushing themselves to the outer limits of achievement. Diana Nyad wants to be one of those people.

Diana Nyad wants to make the swim for Cuba to Florida. Were talking about sharks, jellyfish stings, tides, storms, and a 103 mile swim. She’s tried it four times and has never quite made it. The first man to do it was Walter Poenisch in 1976. Diana on the other hand? Well… She made it about halfway, she swam for 55 miles and 41 hours and got stung by a bunch of different kinds of jellyfish before she got pulled out. It wasn’t pretty.

She was sunburned, swollen and exhausted. I guess she will have to try again later.

Here’s my question.

Since when was it so hard to swim from Cuba to Florida? If it is so difficult, how the hell did Elian Gonzalez get here?

Dude was 5. You’re telling me a grown woman can’t do what a five year old kid did? If it is so hard to get to Florida from Cuba who are all those people down on Calle Ocho in Miami?

When are we going to put all those people in the Guinness book of world records? Because I’m pretty sure they took the same trip. How does she train for this thing? Just jump in an olympic pool and swim for four days straight? That would be a safer way to practice…but even that sounds crazy. She’s doing it in the ocean.

How many more times is she going to try this before she figures out it is a horrible idea? Why can’t she find four days when there aren’t any storms? She can’t check Al Roker before trying to swim from one country to another? I check the weather before I decide to wear a pair of new Jordans.

Surely she can get a more accurate forecast than she’s getting.

Hey Diana, if it helps, I’m already inspired by your story. You’re super dedicated. Maybe switch it up to something on the land. Make a run from Miami to Ft. Myers and call it a life. If you tap out on I-75, at least you won’t drown. A run seems much more doable as well.

Get out now when you’re ahead.

-Brock

 

Augusta Finally Admits Women. Are We Surprised? It IS Called the “Massas” ERRRRRR… “Masters”.

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Augusta National is making history this week. I grew up in Atlanta, and every once in a while, I need a reminder that the rest of Georgia is still a little different.

The place still even looks a little plantation-ish.  But Augusta national really stepped up this week and finally admitted women into their club. Not just any women, they went with Condoleezza (IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT IS SPELLED? DAMN!) Rice and Darla Moore. Before I go any further, congrats to both ladies it was a long time coming.

Now that is out of the way…

Moore is a partner with Rainwater, Inc…so she’s rich. And has been rich. According to Wikipedia, she lives on an *Ahem*, and I’m quoting here, plantation in Lake City South Carolina that has been in her family for six generations. Slavery ended in 1865, so according to my math, her family probably got a solid two generations of good ol South Carolina slavery in before they had to give it up. Uhhhh, congrats?

Then there is Condoleezza. I mean damn, the first women had to be ex secretary of state to make the cut? How high is this bar? I hear the rest of the short list was the Queen of England, Mother Theresa, Cleopatra, Amelia Earhart and Sally Ride. Why are these standards so damn high? I know the club is exclusive, but you also know some of these jokers made the cut.

If you’re a guy, you don’t have to be one of the most important people in the history of the earth to get a round of golf in. I wonder if they have fully built out the women’s locker room for those two, or if they just added a few benches and lockers to the ladies room. I wouldn’t put it past them.

Why are we celebrating this again?  Does this just prove that if you are really persistent about being an asshole you can actually get rewarded for it when you finally stop being an asshole? If you just hold out on something sexist long enough you can celebrate as soon as you catch up with the rest of society?

Are there still places where black people aren’t allowed because I want to go there and get a little news coverage. Seriously, if someone knows about a cheesesteak spot in Philly that has never served a sandwich to a black dude, I’ll gladly come on out and break the color and deliciousness barrier. I’m here for history.

-Brock

 

Chad Johnson Has The Worst Week Ever #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

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You want to know the new test for finding out if you had a shitty week?

Google yourself. If the first picture that pops up is a mugshot marked “3 days ago”, your week might already suck.

Chad Johnson got arrested last weekend on domestic abuse charges for allegedly head butting his wife in a fight. I hope the guy got his money’s worth. You’d hate for it to be a short little shot. He should have at least gotten in a classic Bam Bam Bigelow flying headbutt:

Or even get a big effect like that Zidane headbutt.

You know what? Googling your own name and seeing your mugshot might be bad, but there is something worse. When you picture comes up when you Google the words “condom receipt“. Yikes. Now you never want to get divorced after only being married for a month, but you definitely don’t want to go out the way Chad did. If you get caught cheating and your life is going to fall apart, get caught in the middle of a threesome in mid-stroke. Go out for a real offense. Going down for a condom receipt is like getting arrested on a paperwork technicality.

Who the hell saves their condom receipts? I guess we should be happy he got caught now instead of when he checked in at his mistresses house on Foursquare. Before he set up a Skype call from a strip club. I mean damn. I guess we should thank the hoes of America for having an all cash process. Thanks to the strip club ATM’s that report your location as KOD Bar and Grille when you are at King of Diamonds. Because if dudes are leaving condom receipts in their trunk, there would be a lot more problems out there.

Chad messed up his marriage and his job and probably a commentating deal for a box of condoms. We don’t even know if he got to use em. At least if you find a wrapper we know Chad got it in. Why is chad buying his own condoms anyway, I thought he started his own OchoCinco condom line a few years ago.

You know he’s got some boxes in the basement.

Here’s the other thing. Chad JUST got married 41 days ago. Here’s a pro tip. If you can’t go 60 days without banging another woman. You MIGHT not be ready for marriage. For other reasons, please reference these classic posts. Why the hell did Chad think he was ready to get married anyway?

Oh, right. I see a few things he might have liked.

I know everyone wants to blame Chad’s downfall on this fight, but I just want to remind people that they might be overestimating his skill level. You know all the great Chad Johnson memories you have? The Riverdance? The golf putt? The Hall of Fame Jacket? THAT WAS 1997! That was before he changed his name to Ochocinco. Chad’s time might have been up anyway.

I hope he recovers…UNTIL THEN, I’m starting a new hashtag. Hit us up on Twitter @UvTblog and shoot us your best #BecauseOfACondomReceipt tweets. Here’s one to get you started.

Wanna know what the McRib goes away? #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

It’s gonna be messed up with T.O. and Plaxico are playing this year and Chad is at the crib.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Olympic Edition

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We’re more than a full week into the Olympics now. Coverage sucks in America overall, but it REALLY sucks on the west coast. We get spoiled twice out here and it is damn near half a day before we get to see anything anyone is talking about. Usain Bolt wins a race…spoiler at noon. Then NBC decides to show it on the east coast, spoilers again at 7 while everyone who already knows how the race ends STILL comments on what happened in the race. Then I get to see it about 10 hours after it happened.

Thanks.

By the way…when do they air the USA Basketball? They NEVER get any coverage. Anyone?

The thing that really strikes me about the Olympics is how they decide which sports are in and which ones are out. I’m down with any sport where someone needs to be faster, stronger, or jump higher. That all makes sense. Gymnastics? Fine, they need somewhere to compete. Fighting? Also good. Shooting stuff? Only because archery was a legitimate life skill when the Olympics started. Horse jumping? Not so sure about that.

But those aren’t even the worst ones. What the hell is trampoline?

How do you get into that? Is this synchronized? Why do these cats get the same medal as the world’s fastest man again?

There actually is an exception to the “faster” rule too. What about “racewalking”?

Who decided to make a race called “run, but not too fast?” Running wasn’t good enough? I’m sure these people are in good shape, but it is hard work to make sprinters…who wear tights…look like their outfits are completely legit. Those silky short, shorts are the worst piece of athletic equipment ever invented.

Worst. Ever.

Then there are sports that aren’t in. Where is cricket? Isn’t that popular somewhere? Ultimate Frisbee? Why not Olympic golf? Indy car racing? That stuff is out, but you know what is in? Horse Dancing. Also known as Dressage. (I’m going to go ahead and assume you say that fancy, like massage.

Not jumping, not running fast (if you’re gonna let horses in…why aren’t they racing again?) We’re talking about dudes in jackets with tails making horses dance. It sounds like some B.S., but that horse up there is really high-stepping right now. Does the horse get the medal or the dude in the high boots? Who is the athlete here? By the way, you want to know how rich people get down? Mitt Romney owns that horse up there. Listen to me now, Mitt Romney owns an Olympic level dancing horse. THAT’S how you know you might have a lot of loot laying around. I guess horses need jobs too.

So all these sports need to Man Up. There should be some kind of review every 4 years to kick out the sports no one should be doing in 2032. Was there really some kid sitting at home this week thinking about how they want to dedicate themselves to horse dancing for the next 20 years?

I hope not. I really do.

One thing that makes no sense that i can get behind though? Beach Volleyball is already one of the most visually engaging sports in the olympics. They already have women dressed in bikinis running around in sand. Yet, they feel the need to roll out the Olympic beach dancers. No medal, no competition, just some entertainment. It’s like having having a bikini model contest intermission during a bikini model contest.

That’s to say it’s great.

Nope. That’s an Olympic tradition that seems like it might stand the test of time. I’m thinking the 2016 Olympics in Rio might really revolutionize  the beach dancers in a few years.

Olympics…Man Up!

-Brock

 

Sarah Palin Pulls A Sarah Palin

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If you asked me two years ago, and you asked me what “Pulling a Sarah Palin” was, I’d say it was pretending you were really good at something and trying to overcome your own shortcomings with sheer confidence and jokes. Oh, and a lot of winking.

But now I’m beginning to think it is something else. I know Sarah Palin is a rootin’ tootin’ Mav’rick. I know she stands up for everything in the ultraconservative Republican playbook. I’m not surprised by the fact that she supports “traditional marriage”. So when the whole Chick-Fil-A controversy went down…which I’m pretty sure fried chicken has been used as political weapon…I should have known it was an issue tailor-made for Sarah Palin.

As a politician. As someone who has a lot to say about America and our standards. As someone ready to speak out against gay marriage in an election year and someone who is ready to find a way to launch herself into the discussion for the 2016 election she will have a well thought out response to the Chick-Fil-A controversy.

And instead, she pulls a Palin.

Buying chicken sandwiches is the easiest protest ever, but did Sarah and Todd have to look so happy about it. With the full thumbs up? Surely there are better ways to say you disagree with the expansion of gay rights.

I’m just pissed off my delicious chicken sandwiches have become a political issue. Dammit, sometimes I just want a chicken sandwich. It doesn’t mean I hate gay people just because I love chicken nuggets and sweet tea.

Free the #1 Combo!

-Brock

Introducing Snoop Lion The Reggae King…I Just Hope Snoop’s Lyin’

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Snoop Dogg, rap legend. One of the greatest rappers of all time. He’s been consistant since Deep Cover. I gave him a pass when he pressed his hair out. I’m willing to pretend his whole “No Limit” era didn’t exist. But Snoop has finally pushed me too far.

Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to Snoop Lion. He’ s officially given up rap for reggae music.

That’s right, so crazy only a UvT throwback pic properly captures my feelings of disgust for this announcement. You want to know when you’ve smoked too much weed? When you actually smoke so much you become a reggae artist. It’s only happened this once, so maybe Snoop has smoked more weed than anyone else in the world.Doesn’t Snoop know that no one actually buys reggae music. Doesn’t he know the only people who like reggae music are people who smoke weed and college students who want to seem intellectual in different because they listen music with semi-political lyrics…while they smoke weed?

Even more offensive, his first single.

 Of course it’s called “La la la”. Snoop has made his entire life a tribute to weed. I know reggae has a very particular sounds, but am I the only one who finds it offensive that you have to sing reggae with a Jamaican accent?
Snoop has retired from rap…even though he just dropped his last rap video just three weeks ago? I guess there wasn’t a very long deliberation about ending his 20 year rap career. Let me just make this clear, he dropped a song THREE WEEKS ago about smoking weed and inhaling through his nose.

Oh shit. Snoop is on some old DaVinci Code stuff. He left us everything we needed to see this change coming. Why didn’t we all see it? He was wearing the same shitty knit cap everyone who has ever vacationed in Jamaica bought at the airport in the video. I guess we’re lucky he’s not rocking the version with the yarn dreadlocks. I guess that would have been too obvious.

Snoop, please let this little trend last…ohhhhh…let’s say one song. I think that would be enough.

Thanks,

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Joe Paterno’s Statue

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There is never a great way to go out. It’s hard to be happy for someone who died just a few months ago. But Joe Paterno got out while the getting was still kinda good. Sure, he knew his boy Sandusky was already in trouble. Sure, he wasn’t able to coach that last game. But I’m not sure he would have made it through all of this anyway. His boy is locked up for the next 1,000 years. The list of boys who were abused keeps getting longer. The Freeh report essentially says everyone at Penn State knew or should have known what was going on, including Joe Paterno, and not they’ve yanked down the Joe Pa Statue.

They threw up the statue in 2001. You’ve gotta love when a guy gets his statue while he’s still coaching at the school. Joe Pa was a special case though, dude started coaching in 1966. That might lead you to believe he started coaching when he was 8, but no…he was 40 when he started coaching. Then he rolled with the job for 45 years. He actually was a living legend.

Jerry Sandusky couldn’t have been found more guilty than he was. The stories are so disturbing I just wanted the coverage to end. I didn’t need any of the details. Just let me know when and how long he’s going to be in jail. The trial was so ill they even had to blur out the faces of the accusers in the courtroom sketches.

What the hell is up with courtroom sketches anyway? If you’re gonna allow this, why not pictures? Who are these people who draw these things? How long does Jerry Sandusky have to sit still to get that drawing? And why is the picture talking about a bear hug from behind? Dammit that dude is a real-life monster.

So the NCAA is priming up to slap Penn State with what they are already calling the wildest and hardest sanctions ever. They were also trying to decide whether they were going to take Joe Paterno’s statue down. What was the debate again?

Look. Joe Paterno clearly did a lot of great things and is an icon in Pennsylvania. He lead a lot of players and changed lives. This doesn’t wipe out his legacy and there are a lot of people who still love Joe Pa. After all, Joe Paterno didn’t commit any crimes. Maybe he will be the new icon of the stop snitching movement.

Penn State is gonna be in trouble for a long, long time. I’ll update the post when it news comes down, but people are already saying it would be better for Penn State to catch the death penalty and lose their team for a year or two. How many scholarships and bowl games to you need to lose for it to be better to just shut the program down instead? So the statue is down, and in a crazy way, it has almost become a tribute to how terrible this situation is.

Hopefully they are planning on sandblasting that wall this week. Now it just looks like the ghosts of the football program are haunting the stadium. They couldn’t leave the football players in the back? Did random anonymous players 1-4 know too? They are really cleaning house.

Where’s the Man Up in all this? Oh yeah, all the players, students, admins, alumni and backers of Penn State who had nothing to do with this. The fact that Jerry Sandusky ruined lives both specifically and generally. There are 18 year old kids who have dreamed of playing at Penn State for their lives and had nothing to do with a dude who was abusing kids for the last three decades who are marked by this for the rest of their lives. It’s pretty horrible.

Penn State, Man Up! You’re gonna need it.

-Brock

—————-UPDATE———————

I see the Roger Goodell method of policy enforcement is spreading. The NCAA went on ahead and hit Penn State with $60 Million in penalties, a 4 year ban from the post season, 40 lost scholarships, and vacated every win from 1998 to 2011. Which drops Paterno’s wins from first all time to 8th on the list. At least when Joe died he had the record. That’s gotta count for something.

Is there anything worse than vacated wins? Other than the slap to Paterno in the record books, once again marking him with this story every time someone looks through the history books at his legacy, what exactly do vacated wins do? Those games didn’t happen? Do the kids who put up stats during that time even exist in the record books? Good news? If you were a second tier High School player who always wanted to play at Penn State, there should be some openings available soon. Look for the rest of the Big 10 to try to steal these players and reload. Prepare for a full exodus of any player with real skill to run away from Penn State in 5…4…3…2…

 

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