Man Up Monday: Golf

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Dear Golf:

We’ve put up with your silly sport for long enough. No measure of “tradition” is going to convince me otherwise. No matter how you try to defend a sport that claims to be built on decorum and being a gentleman, but still allows clothes like this. No matter how many old dudes and business men you’ve convinced into thinking they are legitimately participating in a sport by riding a cart around a park for four hours, I’m finally going to call B.S. on the whole tragishamockery. Golf exposed itself this weekend at the Masters and we need to discuss it. [Read more...]

Vladimir Putin Is Always Ready

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Vladimir Putin is the President of Russia and every time we see him he’s doing something awesome. This is no exception. [Read more...]

The Internet Stays Random

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In my travels through the internet I find things and download because I’m going to say something about them later. But sometimes it never comes together. But that doesn’t mean they should go to waste, I need to share them with the world. But the problem is some things can’t be explained. Like this: [Read more...]

Worst. Mom. Ever.

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There are some times when this site just isn’t about jokes. Sometimes I just have to step up and address things that go way too far. Things that are completely unacceptable. This is one of those stories.
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Damn Homey: Latrell Sprewell

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Latrell Sprewell was one always one of my favorite players. Sure, he might have choked out a coach or two, but he was ice cold from the three point line.

Somehow Latrell Sprewell got arrested on New Year’s Eve. I have no idea what happened, but let’s see if I can figure it out from his mugshot.

Look, when you decide to get a neck tattoo AFTER you get out of the NBA, you’ve pretty much already given up on life. Look at that picture above. He only played in Minnesota for two years at the end of his career. His thirteen year career. Dude has NO tattoos. Do you know how many tatts you need to have to get the to point where you say, “Can you go ahead and throw a rising sun on my throat?” Latrell can’t be making good decisions right now. I feel pretty bad for the guy. So I want to do my part. I want to remind him of happier times. So I wanted to find the high point of his life and I think I did it.

I don’t know what is going on in this picture. I don’t know why this picture happened. I don’t know how I found this picture. But Latrell Sprewell looks like the happiest man on earth. And why not? I’m pretty sure when you research “true happiness” it just says “A Coogi sweater and two white women”. I don’t think life gets any better than that.

Latrell we’ve got your back.

-Brock

Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

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Manti Te’o's life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.

-Brock

 

Michael Jordan Literally Gets Arrested By the Fashion Police

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It finally happened. After years of horrendous outfits. Michael Jordan finally wore an outfit so terrible it caused people to roll up on him and remove him from the premises. I actually don’t know how it took this long. We talked about MJ in mom jeans years ago. His dollars earned to turrible outfit ratio is completely off the charts. Let’s look at today’s violation.

Now I’ve been known to rock some camo shorts myself, but his actually look like they are literally golf course camo. If you were in the Army and you had to take the enemy down on a par-5 dog leg this is what you would wear if you wanted to go stealth mode on em. The only thing that could make that lime green shirt look worse is if he actually went full old man style and buttoned that top button. Rocking cargo shorts on the golf course got MJ kicked out of a round yesterday.The worst part is that this is actually mild for an MJ outfit violation.

Here’s a tip for Team Us if you are every buying a suit or jacket…under no circumstances should it almost touch the ground when you are seated. I mean Inspector Gadget thinks the jacket is a little long. Even Steve Harvey hit MJ with his tailor’s card. Talking about “you’re jacket is a little long, playa”.

Mj is so out of control, even Brand Jordan has lost their mind. They are making clothes no one would ever buy.

Someone give me ONE place this outfit works? Varsity football awards banquet when your letter jacket just isn’t enough? When you want to go to the club and intentionally want to try to not have them let you in at the door? This joint is the literal interpretation of “business casual”. Oh, and there is nothing hot about that Jordan lapel pin. Side note, having all three buttons going on this thing is a violation of all fashion rules, but I expect nothing less from MJ.

There there’s this.

I don’t know if MJ is taking a knee because he’s tired or because he just saw that turrible stitching and those bleached out creases on his jeans.

MJ is the worst dressed cat ever. He’s the only dude on the planet who could make Kobe Bryant’s All White Errythang, and those ridiculous shirts Russell Westbrook was wearing look reasonable.

Even if they switched outfits.

MJ, pull it together man. There are plenty of people to help you with your problem.

-Brock

Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!

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I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.

Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.

Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.

As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.

She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.

So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.

-Brock

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