There are some times when this site just isn’t about jokes. Sometimes I just have to step up and address things that go way too far. Things that are completely unacceptable. This is one of those stories.
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Worst. Mom. Ever.
The Inauguration: If Mitt Romney Won…
You know Mitt Romney thought Monday was going to be different. He just knew he was going to win the election and get sworn in. I’m sure he didn’t watch any TV yesterday, because it was impossible to avoid the swearing in ceremony, the recap of all the balls, and grown people somehow thinking it was reasonable to talk about the dress Michelle Obama wore. Mitt really thought it should have been him.
So it got me thinking, what would the inauguration have been like if Mitt Romney won? It would have been a lot different. Let’s start from the top. President Obama looked truly happy yesterday.
I saw Mitt Romney for a solid two years while he was running for President, and I’m pretty sure this is the happiest he can get:
That’s his million dollar smile. Actually that’s probably his quarter-billion dollar smile. It’s really the only one he’s got.
Now it gets tricky. No one really brought up the fact Mitt Romney was a Mormon during the election. But I’m thinking the Bible probably wouldn’t have been his book of choice during the swearing in ceremony. You know Mitt doesn’t do anything halfway. Any copy of the Book of Mormon won’t do. Mitt would be rocking his very own recreation of Joseph Smith’s golden plates. Made out of real gold.
The only downside is that they would have been a bit heavy for Ann Romney. You know two or three of his sons would have helped him out though. Which brings us to our next difference. Obama had Michelle, Sasha and Malia, Michelle’s brother and Mom and that was about it. The Romney’s on the other hand…
If the whole family was up there, there wouldn’t have been any room for the Supreme Court, ex-Presidents, any members of Congress. I think they would have kicked off some kind of Romney family hunger games to see who got to sit up on the dais with Dad. I think the only guarantee is gigantic Romney on the far right. Everything else is a toss up.
Time for the speed round:
- For Obama’s inauguration, Joe Biden was surprisingly contained…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Paul Ryan would have gone shirtless at some point. Even in the cold.
- For Obama’s inauguration, there was a celebration with a few hundred thousand people, complete with pop stars, a 21 gun salute, and parties all over the city…If Mitt Romney won, his belief in a small government means the ceremony wouldn’t have been such a big spectacle. Just Mitt, his family, a few members of the Tea Party, and a few of Mitt’s closest millionaire friends.
- For Obama’s inauguration, Beyonce sing the National Anthem…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Mitt would have just called this dude.
Stirring.
- For Obama’s inauguration, Barack Obama gave a shout out to equal pay for women, gay rights, immigration and ease of voting…If Mitt Romney won, he would have asked everyone to turn in their health care cards in exchange for guns. Then he would end his speech with “y’all bitches on ya own”.
- For Obama’s inauguration, there were stars everywhere. James Taylor, Alicia Keys, John Mayer, Eva Longoria, Katy Perry…If Mitt Romney won, Mitt would have just invited Manti Te’o to the Inaugural ball…you know, because he’s guaranteed not to need a plus 1.
- For Obama’s inauguration, Kelly Clarkson sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”…If Mitt Romney won, yeah, Kelly Clarkson would have still been singing “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”. For sure.
- For Obama’s inauguration, Karl Rove is no where to be seen…If Mitt Romney won, Karl Rove does the Gangnam style dance at the Commanders ball in a money green suit while Big Oil makes it rain.
Karl Rove REALLY wanted that win. I’m pretty sure he would have celebrated in style. That might have actually made it worth it…nah, even that wouldn’t be worth it.
It isn’t often we get a peek into an alternate dimension. I think now that we know what could have been, we can all agree we’re better off.
-Brock
Pole Dancing Goes South of the Border
I’m just going to come out and say it. I was wrong. I don’t say it often so pay attention. I’ve got a unified theory of stripperdom. While it appears to be a continuum, I argue that pole dancing and hard core porn are essentially the same thing. The details are here if you care to review.
But I’ve come around. If you pole dance hard enough, you actually travel all the way down to the continuum, past the freaky side and someone become legitimate again. I know it’s crazy. It was all inspired by the Miss Pole Dancing South America competition. They took to the streets to advertise their skills.
You know an ad like that forced me to find more. I’m usually not down with an attempt to pole dance on random objects, it can turn out very badly.
But they didn’t just hit the pole, they also got creative, proving you don’t need a pole to pole dance.
Although I will say the chick who decided to do a split face-first on the 9th stair of a subway probably doesn’t have all her shit together. There is also what I believe to be a man-taint situation over on the right that I don’t want to talk about and don’t need any further information on.
But the real trouble started once the competition began. I mean we are talking about the best in the world, so you know it was going to get sexy fast.
That is actually a strong showing right there. Hovering in the air as if she’s on the ground. She’s focused. She looks like she falls directly into my theory. She’s $3,000 from doing that with no clothes on, sending her down the slippery slope. I looked for more and the whole thing took a hard left. What once was sexy, turned into something completely different.
Will someone tell me what this is and who it appeals to?
Because there is nothing sexy about this at all. Which makes me think this really is some kind of athletic event. Because there is no stripper value here at all. This move is not needed or wanted in a club. Can it get worse? Of course it does or it wouldn’t be worth talking about.
Yeah, that’s just all bad. Maybe the still shot doesn’t do it justice…but I have to say I’m pretty sure the mere existence of this photo means there is no justice in the world. She’s holding herself up in the air with her back and one knee-pit. She decided “nude” was the best expression of her costume creativity. She’s smiling like she knows you like it.
And maybe you do.
Sick bastard.
So I’m amending my position. This is clearly a sport of some kind because these moves have no value in the real world. I’m sure they win $1,000, some pole shine, and the respect and admiration of their peers, so that’s got to be totally worth it.
-Brock
Let’s Play A Game: Guess That Tattoo!
I appreciate a well done, well placed tattoo as well as the next man. But some tattoos are a bad idea. There are some tattoos that are meaningful. An essential window into a person. I almost don’t care what it says, I just hope they find someone who is actually a good artist.
Forget the face and the hair, this dude couldn’t even pull off Michael’s sparkly jacket…who wants a tattoo of MJ’s sparkly jacket? That back acne really doesn’t properly convey MJ’s porcelain complexion either. There are other tattoos what are bad because they go way too far. Check out this chick.
Once you get done appreciating the underboob here let’s talk about the tattoo. Have you ever seen a chick take up all the real estate between her boobs and her sweet ladyparts with such a large, dark tattoo? There is only one explanation for this. Whatever this used to be had to be HORRIBLE for her to decide to replace it with this. It was either something ex-boyfriend specific like “Brandon’s Pu$$y” or something ridiculous, like “Insert here”, with an arrow pointing down. Because no one decides to get something that looks like an old school 70′s bush with snakes coming out of it, that got tagged by a 12 year old with pink spray paint. I was wondering why the anchor/peace sign was broken…then I realized it was actually her belly button. Which means the entire thing is also off center. Terrible.
As bad as it is though, it isn’t anywhere near as terrible as whatever is going on here.
She’s literally going azz out in the middle of a convention center taking needles to the tail piece like nothing is going on. WTF? I’m pretty sure you only elect to get that azzhole tattoo when you want to guarantee it gets infected. Like, if for some reason you absolutely want to hang out in the emergency room of a hotel for a few weeks, go ahead and let a tattoo artist tag you up. What is the healing process there? Hold it for a few days? They tell you not to let tattoos get too much sun when you get them, I can’t imagine getting poop on them is on the list of advised activities. I just disgusted myself. My bad.
So we’re taking votes on what that chicks tattoo used to say. Any good guesses? Drop em in the comments.
-Brock
Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum
Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.
This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.
Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.
Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?
Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…
Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.
Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?
I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.
With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.
The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know.
So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.
Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.
-Brock
Dear Ladies: You May Win A Few Battles, But I Have Evidence Men Have Already Won The War
When I was about to write this post about women who think it is a good idea to take stripper….errrrrrr….pole dancing classes, I thought to myself…”I can’t believe I haven’t already done this post”. Then I looked through the archives and saw that I have already done this post and it is hilarious. You should go back and read it NOW.
The pole dancing classes have not stopped though, so apparently:
1. I think too much of my own ability to change the world.
2. I can actually change the world, but some people aren’t referring to their standard issue “Team Us” handbooks on a daily basis.
3. Bitches be trippin.
4. I need to further clarify my position on this topic because I was rolling through the rough and rugged streets of LA (yes those are palm trees in the background) and saw this:
Ladies in the greater Los Angeles area, feel free to call that number. You can tell these are creative and innovative people because the second “d” is goddess is a woman hanging upside down from one leg grabbing her 5 inch platform heel to make her body arch into the shape of the letter d. Both creative and inspiring. Because nothing says fitness and cardio health like hanging upside down from one leg.
Let’s cover the easy stuff first, let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that climbing and hanging from a pole and developing the ability to slide down said pole at varying speeds and in various positions has some sort of physiological value. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt on that, why does your “sport” require four inch tall glass heels? Why can’t women go to your gym in the stuff they wear in every other gym? Where are the tights, Nike Free’s, and sports bras? If you aren’t a stripper or training to be one, why is stripper gear required?
No one has ever put on that outfit and thought to themselves, “Time for my workout”. The only two options are “time to go take these clothes right back off for money”, or, “time to go shake everything I’ve got for this music video.” It’s also the outfit that gets handed out at the top of the slippery slope that ends in prostitution.
These classes are being sold to women as something that will teach you how to “keep your man happy”, or “get a man” or “keep your man”. It’s being sold as something that will help you get married.
Ladies if you don’t see that as a sign of the female apocalypse, you should. Do you really believe your man will not leave you because you know how to pole dance? Do you think the ability to hang upside down by one knee is a trait we are looking for in a wife? If somehow society has convinced women that acting like a stripper is the way to our heart…men have already won.
Don’t get me wrong, you will attract men like a moth to a flame. But there is no way I’m ever marrying a woman with a stripper pole installed in her bedroom. 0% chance. On the other hand, the chances I will tell all my friends I hooked up with a chick with a functional stripper pole in her bedroom? 100% Every time. Multiple times. I’m putting it on a t-shirt.
That’s how we think about it, so don’t get tricked. This also goes for women going to “booty pop” classes to learn how to make your ass clap. That’s something we want to rent, not buy. Also, if you actually make your money in strip clubs, please carry on. I appreciate you going to classes to get better at your chosen profession. Your hard work really shows up in the field.
Don’t say I’ve never tried to help anyone.
-Brock
Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?
Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.
I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son“ version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.
Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.
Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”
All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.
You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?
Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.
The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…
Look 2: Standard cheerleader.
These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.
Look 3: Replacement Ref
Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?
Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.
Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.
No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why. Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy, FINAL ANSWER.
-Brock
UvT Fantasy Football League: For the 1%
I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.
I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.
I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.
So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.
Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played. Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.
I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.
Not Prepared Guy: This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing. You gotta love and hate this guy. You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on. Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.
Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.
Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude. There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good. Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore. This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.
The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy: No. No he’s not.
2010 All-Star team guy: This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name. Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.
Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.
Overprepared Guy: This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds. Listen player, it’s round 13. It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay? Just pick. You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time. Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)
Always Messing Up Guy: This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.
Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.
Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.
Finally, some general fantasy tips.
Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.
-Brock