It’s Finally Coming: UvTv!

Looks like the show is finally launching next week. We’re gonna start rolling out with some short little clips before we start dropping the Us Versus Them classics on you.

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So to hold you over until Us Versus Them makes its debut. Check out some of the other stuff on our channel “Atomic Elbow”.

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For the “Biggest Game Ever” the Super Bowl Kinda Sucks

I’m a huge football fan, so I’m excited about the Super Bowl this Sunday. Sure, it means I won’t be able to watch football again until September, but it is always fun to crown the Champion. I’ll be glued to the TV (whenever I’m not making a wings and drink run to the kitchen.) because there are so many great things about the Super Bowl. Great Football, lots of commercials, all football talk all week, and it is the one time of the year when you get to practice your Roman numerals.

This is a long one. I don’t know what a “VI” is but at least they are Xtra Large this year. Can’t wait for two years from now when they whip out Super Bowl XLVIII and try to make it look reasonable. I’m pretty sure they will ditch the Roman numerals when they get to Super Bowl LXXXVIII. I want to live for another 42 years just to I can see how they handle it. 88 is much more reasonable than LXXXVIII.

I will say there are a lot of thinks I don’t understand about the Super Bowl. Let’s run em down, shall we?

The Start Time:

All season, Sunday football is easy. On the East Coast you get a 1pm, a 4pm and a late game. Easy. I moved to the West Coast and that becomes a rough 10am start and a 1pm. I prefer to drink beer at 1pm, it feels more natural, but if I’ve got to start drinking at 10am, I’ll do it for the greater good. It’s nice because that late game isn’t that late. There is nothing worse on the East Coast than staying up until midnight trying to see what happens at the end of that Sunday night game.

Meanwhile, the Super Bowl start time is always at 6:37pm. Who came up with that? Even then, you’ve got to get past the intro, some country singer rocking “My Country Tis of Thee”, some volunteers holding a giant country shaped American Flag.

If you aren’t supposed to let the American flag touch the ground, why is cutting it into fun shapes okay? I’m pretty sure the founding fathers wouldn’t approve. (Side note, when I found this picture someone tagged it “flag shaped like Texas”. They clearly missed Florida over there. Only Texans are self-absorbed enough to pull off something like that)

Halftime:

Football games are usually easy. Unless it goes into overtime, it lasts 3 hours. Halftime is just enough time for you to get up, refresh the snacks, watch a few highlights, and before you know it you get to watch more football. In the Super Bowl you can actually go to a restaurant, order food, wait for it, drive back home and still have time to see Madonna finish up her medley, closing out a remix of “Music” while “fans” swing their neon glowsticks in the air.

The Commercials:

Everyone who says they watch the Superbowl just for the commercials is an asshole. Those people also probably follow KFC on Twitter. They are also lying. I know every news outlet can’t discuss sports, but the Today Show breaking down the most memorable commercials one day a year is actually pretty sad. Coke is going to do something they think is inspirational (it won’t be), Doritos and Snickers will do something stupid.

Bud Light will have guys acting dumb with naked women, monkeys and dogs – perhaps simultaneously, and Honda will try to be endearing with a high probability of a smug dad. Unless it is all Kobe System commercials. Those are Awesome. You’re Welcome.

The Game:

Football only really happens in the first three quarters. After that the winning team is usually milking the clock and slowing everything down. The Championship games this year were good. Hopefully the Super Bowl is too. If someone is up by 14 going into the fourth quarter…the game is probably over. Sorry.

So enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend. Party is at my crib this year, so I can get fully loaded in the comfort of my home. Go Pats! (Before you get mad Giants fans, I am always wrong with my game predictions. I went 1-4 in the Conference Semifinals.)

-Brock

 

My Eastern Bloc Alter Ego Speaks

This cat captures my flow perfectly. Exactly how I see the world.  I want my shat pimped and laid out flat, but I also want a good deal. Perfectly executed, save for those Rule No. 1 violating kicks and giggles at the end…

That “Opulence, I haz it” rhetoric was so right.

– Lake

Man Up Monday: Everyone on P90X

You’ve got to love P90X.  Workout programs come and go, but P90X really has a good thing going.

Somehow P90X convinced the world that this workout is the hardest, most gangster workout ever.  If somehow you aren’t familiar with P90X, here is the deal. It gives you a 90 day workout that focuses on “muscle confusion”.  It promises crazy results, hits every part of your body, and has a host that basically whoops your ass via video every single day.

In fact, I think this is the only dude who has actually made it all 90 days.  Seriously, has anyone ever met anyone who has stuck to the program for 90 days?  They should call this joint P34X because that is as far as anyone ever makes it. I’ve figured out the game, P90X isn’t selling a workout, they are selling the ability to tell people you are working out. Seriously, how many times have you met “I’m about to start P90X” guy, or “I just started P90X” guy?  Or “I just made it through the first week and that ab workout is a beast” guy? Next time someone mentions P90X, ask them what day they are on.  I guarantee it is less than 30.  Because guess what?  If you go on a nutrition plan and bust your ass every single day for three months, you will be in shape at the end of it no matter what you are doing.  It is all about how hard you are willing to go.  If you need someone to yell at you through your TV to make it happen, go for it.  Just be warned, if you don’t go hard, you will get this:

I like how in the first picture she has that look on her face like “I hope this works”, and at the end her face says “this is some ol bullshit”.  Or this guy:

Other than this dude figuring out that his facial hair game wasn’t tight, how far did this guy get?  All 90 days?  If we broke these pictures apart, can you tell which one comes first?  Of course there are the people with the crazy results.

I like how everyone getting in shape also discovers the tanning booth while they are out it.  I know Jersey Shore talks about GTL, Gym, Tan, Laundry, but does P90X come with a bottle of spray tan?

So I’m calling out everyone on P90X.  I’m tired of all of you talking about it while you are in the first two weeks like you just went through Army Boot Camp.  You aren’t taking the test to become an Army Ranger, you are working out with a pull up bar and a few dumbbells in your basement.  You aren’t gonna make it the 90 days so stop telling everyone about it.  I see a whole lot of twitter and facebook updates about people starting P90X, a whole lot of updates as they get to 30 days, but I’ve NEVER seen an update as someone gets to day 90.  All of you know you dropped a few days in there too.  In fact, I’ve got to ask Tony Horton to point at all the people who aren’t going to make it.

That’s right, everyone.  It isn’t going to stop them from talking about it though.

So P90X guy, I see right through you.  I know you aren’t going that hard and no one cares.  You aren’t gonna make it, so Man Up and shut up until you cross the 60 day mark.  You get up around 75 days and you can talk they way you do when you get those DVD’s in the mail.

P90X guy…Man Up!

-Brock

More Tiger Woods Parodies

I told you the Tiger Woods Nike Commercial parodies would be coming on hard.  Here are a few more from yesterday.  Oh, and by the way, Tiger is striking the ball well and two strokes back on two old men [pause].  I had to add that pause because the last time Tiger was two strokes back it was two strokes in the back to.  The last time his balls were stroked well it was my Joslyn James.  The last time he kept a scorecard he was actually trying to be a few strokes over par.  The last time he caught in a bad lie he got his ass whooped and crashed his car.

I could do this all day.

I’ll tell you one thing, I bet everyone on the PGA tour remembers what it feels like to have that shark breathing down the back of your neck.

First, we have the inevitable “phone call remix” a/k/a “huge”.

Then we have a joint that damn near should have been the original version of the commercial.

If Tiger wins the Masters, I might run that joint back on a loop while Tupac “Hit em Up” plays as the soundtrack.

First off fack yo b*tch and the clique you claim.  Chino XL, F*ck you too!

-Brock

Tiger Woods Has a New Commercial

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.  All things considered, he’s actually playing things pretty well so far.  Except those wild ass text messages he sent all his ladies, he’s tried to attack things in a pretty straight forward manner.

1. He disappeared while he got his stuff together.  Win for Tiger because a leaked picture of his (allegedly) busted up grill after catching an ass whoopin from his wife would have ended his chances of being seen as legit like those pictures of Rihanna ended Chris Browns singing career.

2. The quick “no questions” press conference gave the media a bone to chew on and enough information to churn out all the rumors while Tiger went back into hiding.

3. The announcement that he was coming back faster than most people expected let him get back to doing what people love to see him do…play golf.

4. He dropped this commercial on the people to show that Nike has his back and they all acknowledge he fucked up.

That is not the voice of God, that is the voice of Earl Woods, Tigers personal conscious.  It kind of creeps me out personally, but I get where they are going with it.  They let you get into Tiger’s head, they make him human instead of a sex addict, “wish I could make you sore“, monster.  And when he starts to bag a few tournaments they can call this the calm before the inevitable whooping everyone’s ass storm.

Here is my problem with the add.  It is way to clean and easy to make fun of.  You give the internets Tiger Woods staring blankly into the camera  with a voiceover that is supposed to represent what he is thinking?  How long do you think it will be before people start to make fun of that?

Not long, here’s my personal fave.

Haaa.  That is really what he is thinking.

-Brock

Old Spice Commercial: STOP IT’S THA MOTHAF*$&%N REMIX

I’ve already covered the fact that I think that Old Spice commercial is damn hilarious.  I usually don’t go for the folk song remix, but John Denver is classic.

They jacked “You Fill up My Senses” and killed it, particularly my man on 2nd guitar.  He really nailed that “the tickets are now diamonds” line.

-Brock

Great Advertising: This is What We’re Thinking

Looking back, this week has been mostly about sex and advertising.  This is a little bit of both.  Condom ads seem to be wide open territory, and this is no exception.  Check these ads from Durex, and don’t miss the words on the figures.

They would have stuck the landing on that one if they also dropped a “wood” right next to that durex logo.

This guy has lost all control over everything but the matter at hand, and you can see where all his attention is.  All his brain power is otherwise occupied.

Then you have the grand finale.

See, dudes have all kinds of things on our minds.  Ladies, we get uncomfortable too, we just keep trying to hold it down once we find something that works.

-Brock