Damn Homey: Latrell Sprewell

Latrell Sprewell was one always one of my favorite players. Sure, he might have choked out a coach or two, but he was ice cold from the three point line.

Somehow Latrell Sprewell got arrested on New Year’s Eve. I have no idea what happened, but let’s see if I can figure it out from his mugshot.

Look, when you decide to get a neck tattoo AFTER you get out of the NBA, you’ve pretty much already given up on life. Look at that picture above. He only played in Minnesota for two years at the end of his career. His thirteen year career. Dude has NO tattoos. Do you know how many tatts you need to have to get the to point where you say, “Can you go ahead and throw a rising sun on my throat?” Latrell can’t be making good decisions right now. I feel pretty bad for the guy. So I want to do my part. I want to remind him of happier times. So I wanted to find the high point of his life and I think I did it.

I don’t know what is going on in this picture. I don’t know why this picture happened. I don’t know how I found this picture. But Latrell Sprewell looks like the happiest man on earth. And why not? I’m pretty sure when you research “true happiness” it just says “A Coogi sweater and two white women”. I don’t think life gets any better than that.

Latrell we’ve got your back.

-Brock

The Completely Foreseeable Fall of Elmo aka Kevin Clash

“….on some f_____t bullshit, call it Dennis Rodman….” – Lil Wayne

The year was 1998.  I was at Duke University at a children’s function.  The brothers and one very cool white cat (me) were handing out gifts to less fortunate Durham children for Christmas.  So I asked one of my compadres that was responsible for the procurement of said gift-stuffs, “Yo, A-Can, that’s that Tickle Me Elmo Doll, right?”  He picked up the blue-purple stuffed animal, looked me dead in the face and said:

“Nah, we aint get no Tickle Me Elmo….We got Tickle Me Lorenzo,” and we both exploded in joyous laughter.  I should have known that that very moment of unbridled happiness would set me up for the devastating news I have just learned today.  That my world would be turned upside down.  That this good man that dedicated his life to making children laugh, would fall asunder while deceiving so many virtuous doves, like me, thereby breaking all of our collective hearts…

Who am I kidding?  And more importantly, who is America kidding????  Let me tell yall something.  The nano second I learned that a dude named “Tickle Me Elmo” or even the more tamed “Elmo” with that extra falsetto voice was a 200 plus pound man of African American ancestry…I KNEW, wit-out-a-shadow-ova–DOUBT that he was suspect and probably, most likely, CERTAINLY, up to some ole shady shat.

Even President Obama knew something wasn’t right with Kevin Clash. It aint normal for a 200 pound black man to have his hand stuck up a puppet’s ass, with more high notes than the opera.

Then I saw his picture….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   AWWWWWW NAAAAWWW Come on maaaaaayne.  Do we have to go through this again???  It’s blatant gay face!  Look, I’m friends with an inordinate number of African American men (no Elmo).  Trust me when I tell you, they generally have an interest in keeping shit extra masculine.

It’s just an unwritten code.  I mean, the mean mug is a staple, even when you’re rockin’ the extra sensitive carolina blue sweater piece.  It’s not about not seeming gay, shit don’t even get to that level, they can’t even seem soft.  Then you present me with THIS cat?

With his hand up the arse of a child’s toy, just smilin’ and a’gigglin’, lovin’ life, singing that damn song and puttin’ Mariah Carey’s upper register to shame…. Haaaa  I mean, for real, listen to this cat:

I mean, that’s HIS voice!!!!  So are we really surprised that this “dude”:

Dammit, cat looks like a turrible extra from the Wire. One of Omar’s ‘boys’ that got pinched taking unnecessary risks. Not respecting the game….

Is claiming that he got an extra up and close window into Elmo’s world?

And um, while I’m quite sure all you cats with kids were well aware that “Elmo loves his goldfish…and crayons too….” if you’d been faithful reading and living according to the Book of Lake for all these years, you’d know that this cat….

Awwwwww, Elizabeth, I’m coming to see ya….. And probably hundreds of cats like him, have been a part of ahem “Elmo’s world” whether they were 15, 16 or 18 and 1/2 years old….   Dammit.  Look.  Let me tell yall something.  It’s like my granddaddy used to tell me when I was crawfishin’ on the bayou down in Louisiana….”If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs 230 pounds, can post you up in the painted area or block a QB’s blind spot on Sunday BUT INSTEAD OPTS to puts it’s hand up a child’s toy’s arse, sing higher than the 8 year old version of MJ, and take trips ‘all around the world’ (YIKES) then it’s 1. up to some shit and 2. Gay.

Now, I’m a liberal cat.  So being up to some shit.  And being gay… exclusive to one another…that doesn’t bother me.  But when you are a child entertainment star AND you’re gay….AND you’re up to some shit… that’s when you can’t be shocked that cats that look like this start coming out of the woodwork..

Yep, THIS cat is now the SECOND accuser of Kevin “Elmo” Clash.  THIS cat, at the ripe old age of 24 is ONLY NOW saying that he was traumatized when Elmo showered him with gifts, meals and other things I can’t rightfully put into print as a good Christian mayne!   HA  And now what does he want for his pain and suffering?  You guessed it….

Cold hard CASH!!!!  It’s the American way.  Meanwhile, Elmo just tapped the f*ck out.  Smart move.  Trust me, where there’s smoke and a wild scandal mixed with some young menz, a f*cking doll and that high C held out over 10 beats, there’s definitely a FIYAAAAAH.

Clash don’t care, though and why should he?  The statute of limitations done run.  He’s rich like shat and there are at least 50 more foreign countries that don’t give a damn who you hit so long as you keep that mean green comin’ in.

And THAT my Friends, is Elmo’s muf*cking world…ok?

-Lake

 

Andrew Bynum Does The Impossible: He Just Got Worse

I thought the Andrew Bynum situation was horrible last week. It was so bad I had to address it. But the physical manifestation of Bynum’s “I don’t give a f*ck” reached all new heights. The hair was already stupid as just a normal fro. But for some reason, he decided to really take it to the next level and straighten it. Peep this.

Let’s go ahead and drop a come on bruh on that one. Is that pimp hair? Jim Carrey from dumb and dumber? Sultan from Great White Hype?

I know Andrew Bynum isn’t supposed to be healthy until January, and maybe he’s bored, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn about representing his team. Wait, maybe he is trying to be one of the greats. Maybe he is already ready to leave the Sixers and join another team…well, group really.

I hear they have a new album coming out.

-Brock

 

Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Man Up: NFL Edition

I’m a big supporter of NFL Football. But with the exception of my Atlanta Falcons sitting at 3-0, this season is a complete mess. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Replacement Refs:

You know what’s the worst part about this picture? The outcome of the game? No. Knowing RIGHT NOW that we will DEFINITELY be talking about this in January as the playoff schedule gets put together? Horrible, but not the worst thing. The fact that this isn’t about replacement refs and their inexperience. This isn’t about the NFL putting a horrible product on the field. But the fact that this issue is all about RACISM and no one is talking about it.

Why is it racist?

Because the BLACK REF gets the call right and the WHITE REF is calling a touchdown. Does the brother get his respect for getting the right call in a high pressure situation? Hell Naw. The head referee rolled right up and went with the call of the white dude. Always want to believe the white man. It’s a damn shame. We could straighten all this out if it wasn’t for racism. See? It isn’t out in the open anymore. Racism is underground, insidious. Keep your eyes open people. I need the ESPN reporters to cover that angle. God knows they’ve worn out every other angle possible.

New Orleans Saints:

The New Orleans Saints are winless this season. I guess coaches actually do something on Sundays. Who knew? The Saints can’t get it together at all. So here’s my question, do they take down this ridiculous picture of Sean Payton that is hanging up on the practice field?

I guess being threatened by a 30 foot tall picture of your coach who isn’t allowed in the building anymore isn’t working as proper motivation for grown ass men. I’m supposed to be scared of you when you aren’t even allowed in the building? Nilla please. The other problem? Is the meanest Sean Payton can look the duckface? If you want to rock a picture of Blue Steel as motivation, you might as well go all the way.

If the Saints win this weekend, you know who’s responsible.

Same look on Sean Payton’s face though. His picture is more ridiculous than this one.

My UvT Fantasy Team:

I don’t have much room to talk about the Saints though because my Fantasy Squad is also 0-3. Now I’m not an excuse guy, but I think I may have drafted every injured player in the league. Check it out.

All those “Q’s” don’t stand for “Quick, put him in your lineup because he’s awesome”, it stands for “Questionable”. I’m gonna go ahead and admit the majority of the choices I made were questionable, but I didn’t need to catch this many L’s this early in the season.

Even with all this, I lost my first game by 3 points because of a scheduling problem, then I got beat up the last two weeks. I gotta get a win. It’s kinda embarrassing. I’m gonna rally for the people though. I think I might only have another 2 losses before I’m essentially out of the playoffs. That’s not Team Us level effort. Otherwise I might have to put this squad out to pasture.

The NFL settles with the referees in 5…4….3…2…

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Clint Eastwood? Almost, But Not Quite

I was only able to catch pieces of the Republican National Convention. I saw the Romney speech, but the sound wasn’t on. I’m pretty sure I still caught the general idea though. The real news was apparently Clint Eastwood. I guess he went up there for his speech and decided it was a good idea to talk to an empty chair.

I know the man is an artist and needed to bring an element of theatrics to the RNC, but the general consensus is that he missed. People are talking about Clint Eastwood looking crazy, looking old, even drunk. I don’t even want to talk about the empty chair, it seems completely ridiculous, but it wasn’t even close to the real man up moment. In fact, the person who didn’t Man Up is fully responsible for Clint taking a hit last week.

I guess when a cultural icon and notorious tough guy shows up, everyone wants to just get out of the way. That’s why my Man Up this week goes to whoever was responsible for Clint’s hair.

I mean damn. No one saw Clint backstage and wanted to hand him a comb? Point him in the direction of a mirror. Dude was going up before the Republican nominee for President, the biggest night in the Republican party, and dude looks like he just woke up from a nap.

I’m sure no one wanted to tell Dirty Harry he looked like a crazy man, but they didn’t do him any favors either. The whole RNC was hijacked by a hairdresser turning into a punk. That’s a damn shame.

So whoever was in charge of people not looking completely crazy at the RNC needs to Man Up!

Actually, now that I think about it, it’s karma. This is what Republican’s get for not supporting gay rights. I’m sure the hairdresser back there looked at Clint, thought about helping him, and just said screw it. Otherwise, do you think this guy wouldn’t have caught Clint before he got out there?

Exactly. Dude would have caught that bad hair from 50 feet.

-Brock

Come On Bruh! Randy Travis

There is a lot I could talk about this week, but this is one of the best stories ever. I know Country singers have problems. I know they write an awful lot of sad songs, Randy is even known for Gospel Country songs. I know they talk about God a lot in regular country songs, so gospel country songs must really lay down the word. Gospel Country sounds a little repetitive to me, like ordering a liquor alcohol or a sandwich sub. So Randy is a good dude.

I guess he’s a good dude until he gets a little bit of that drank in him, then he turns into a real wild dude. He got pinned for a DWI and public intoxication. Do you know how drunk you have to be to get charged with being drunk outside AND for driving a car you aren’t even in? You’ve gotta be GONE.

And by all accounts he was. Check this description of when they found Randy.

Randy Travis was found lying in the middle of the road. He refused a breathalyzer on the scene. He threatened to shoot and kill the officers who showed up on the scene. He had crashed into several construction barricades, oh…and they found him BUTT ASS NAKED. Check the mug shot.

When they got him to the jail they had to put him in paper pants and loan him a shirt for his mugshot. Dude looks like he got beat up by the cops and the cops didn’t touch him.

Here’s my question though. When did he get naked? Was he drinking at the crib and needed to go for a naked drive? Was he rolling in the whip, got hot and got naked? Did he crash the car and strip once he got out? Why was this dude naked in the middle of the road? Hell, what was he drinking? He was clearly on that good stuff. He must be on something else too. There aren’t too many people who get naked in the street status off of straight liquor.

Look on the bright side Randy. You’ve got the pieces of a great country song off of this one.

I’ma riiiiide and I’m drankin

This drink got me thinkin

thinking bout what 

I’m gonna doooo.

But now I’m butt naked

My car, I just wrecked it

Alls I see, are some cops,

I’m gonna shoot.

That’s a hit right there Randy. Holla at me, we’ll make it happen. You bring the drinks.

-Brock