So You Got Caught Cheating…Or Did You?

We’ve covered a lot of kinds of cheating. We’ve covered people who cheat with women significantly less attractive than their women. We’ve covered sex addicts. But we’ve never really covered what constitutes cheating.

Because there is a whole range of cheating that really deserves some discussion.

Let’s start with the easy stuff. If you have sex with a woman who is not your wife or girlfriend, you are a cheater. That’s black and white. Everyone agres that is cheating. After that, I think things are up for grabs, stick with me here.

Blow jobs.

Now I know everyone wants to throw this directly in the “definitely cheating” category, but we have to follow the logic. If a girl considers herself a virgin until she has regular, non oral sex, then can oral sex always be cheating? So when you’re a virgin suckin dack doesn’t count, but once you give it up, it is violation number one? That’s not fair. If you aren’t cheating on your virginity, as bestowed upon you by the lord himself, can you really be cheating on your significant other? Not so easy anymore is it? Let’s call it up for discussion for now.

Let’s jump to the other end of the spectrum.

Emotional cheating: Non-contact? That’s bullshit. Moving on.

Strip club:

This appears to be a important carve out on the cheating spectrum. A mostly naked woman grinding into your pelvis with nothing between you and her but a friction worn bathing suit bottom seems like it could go either way. Obviously we aren’t talking any action back to the Champagne room and end up in another category…wait a minute, fackin in the champagne room is only an illusion. That’s still cool too. This is another example of how men have already won. This carve out is already set in stone. It’s a designated, demilitarized, no cheat zone, we love it. Thanks.

Kissing: This is an extension of the emotional cheating. Unacceptable in a relationship, but may not be a game killer.

Hand job:


I believe we have all agreed in this forum that the hand job is the saddest form of sex possible. Yet because nuts will potentially busted it is firmly under consideration and possibility for cheating. I have to say this is certainly the worst possible way to go out. If you gotta give up half for a handy, you have just made the worst bargain of all time. Also, hands are deliberate, intimate, and very intentional. Too much risk, not enough reward here, steer clear.

So where is the sweet spot? I was pondering this while listening to the inspiring lyrics of 2 chainz. Poetry if you will.

Wood grain - chestnut,

titty f*ck - CHEST NUT!

(UPDATE: after clicking that link, I should warn you it contains loud audio. While the idea of 2 Chainz erupting into your office talking about “Chestnuts” makes me laugh, I would be a dick not to add this disclaimer…which means I almost didn’t add this disclaimer.)

That’s right, Us Versus Them is endorsing the titty f*ck as the greatest balance of cheating and sexual pleasure. It is the strip club of sex. Your dack never technically enters anything. You are still in contact with the sexy…boob men have to find this appealing. And it is possible to still get a full bust. I feel like a hitting those J’s is nothing more than masturbation using someone else’s body, so go for it. Just make sure she doesn’t kiss the tip at the top of the stroke, then you move into oral sex and that’s a violation. If you want to execute this technique, you must be technically sound to ensure you remain within the parameters of our carefully constructed exception.

Feel free to use this post and the logic contained within as proper authority to try this advice. But Us Versus Them is not responsible for any consequences.

I feel like I just cracked the code on this one. I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.

-Brock

 

Chad Johnson Has The Worst Week Ever #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

You want to know the new test for finding out if you had a shitty week?

Google yourself. If the first picture that pops up is a mugshot marked “3 days ago”, your week might already suck.

Chad Johnson got arrested last weekend on domestic abuse charges for allegedly head butting his wife in a fight. I hope the guy got his money’s worth. You’d hate for it to be a short little shot. He should have at least gotten in a classic Bam Bam Bigelow flying headbutt:

Or even get a big effect like that Zidane headbutt.

You know what? Googling your own name and seeing your mugshot might be bad, but there is something worse. When you picture comes up when you Google the words “condom receipt“. Yikes. Now you never want to get divorced after only being married for a month, but you definitely don’t want to go out the way Chad did. If you get caught cheating and your life is going to fall apart, get caught in the middle of a threesome in mid-stroke. Go out for a real offense. Going down for a condom receipt is like getting arrested on a paperwork technicality.

Who the hell saves their condom receipts? I guess we should be happy he got caught now instead of when he checked in at his mistresses house on Foursquare. Before he set up a Skype call from a strip club. I mean damn. I guess we should thank the hoes of America for having an all cash process. Thanks to the strip club ATM’s that report your location as KOD Bar and Grille when you are at King of Diamonds. Because if dudes are leaving condom receipts in their trunk, there would be a lot more problems out there.

Chad messed up his marriage and his job and probably a commentating deal for a box of condoms. We don’t even know if he got to use em. At least if you find a wrapper we know Chad got it in. Why is chad buying his own condoms anyway, I thought he started his own OchoCinco condom line a few years ago.

You know he’s got some boxes in the basement.

Here’s the other thing. Chad JUST got married 41 days ago. Here’s a pro tip. If you can’t go 60 days without banging another woman. You MIGHT not be ready for marriage. For other reasons, please reference these classic posts. Why the hell did Chad think he was ready to get married anyway?

Oh, right. I see a few things he might have liked.

I know everyone wants to blame Chad’s downfall on this fight, but I just want to remind people that they might be overestimating his skill level. You know all the great Chad Johnson memories you have? The Riverdance? The golf putt? The Hall of Fame Jacket? THAT WAS 1997! That was before he changed his name to Ochocinco. Chad’s time might have been up anyway.

I hope he recovers…UNTIL THEN, I’m starting a new hashtag. Hit us up on Twitter @UvTblog and shoot us your best #BecauseOfACondomReceipt tweets. Here’s one to get you started.

Wanna know what the McRib goes away? #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

It’s gonna be messed up with T.O. and Plaxico are playing this year and Chad is at the crib.

-Brock

Reviews of Shows I Don’t Watch: The Bachelor

I don’t know if I’ve ever had as much fun not watching TV as when I do “shows I don’t watch”. It really takes the pressure off. I don’t need to waste my time watching soft ass shows. I still get to talk about shows that a lot of other people actually care about. I don’t know if I actually have the time or the stomach to actually not watch any of the “Real Housewives” shows. Those seem so bad, I don’t even want to spend my time not watching them.

Once I got the first one out of the way, I knew exactly where I wanted to focus on my second show. I knew what the holy grail of shows I didn’t want to watch is. The Bachelor.

I know what you are thinking. “But Brock, I’ve been a long time fan of Us Versus Them from way back in the day, and you guys used to do Bachelor reviews all the time.” That was Lake’s punk ass. I can call him that because he’s my Nilla, we go way back, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know how to log into the site anymore. For those who don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, read up on your Us Versus Them back catalog and look for my boy Lake Arlington. He’s hilarious.

So for the rest of you who don’t watch The Bachelor, here’s the way it works. They go out to find a “Prince Charming”. A guy who any woman would want to marry. Good looks. Money. Interesting job. Sense of humor. They basically take every woman’s “List” and give them someone who hits all of those points.

They were running out dudes who had their own wineries. NFL Quarterbacks. Hollywood Actors. Heirs to legit fortunes. All of that.

Is that enough? NO. They take that perfect man and drop him into a shark tank of 20-25 women who are all competing to win the show fall in love.

They are all smiling now, but they would all stab each other in the chest with a fork if it meant they were the last woman standing.

You know how sometimes shit doesn’t even sound right on paper? When you don’t even have to actually try out an idea because it is clear the shit isn’t going to work out before you even put in legitimate effort? That’s what The Bachelor is. You take 25 women and one dude. Throw them in a house for a month. Line up a few dates, some solo, some group, and at the end of 30 DAYS, they find TRUE LOVE and get married. Now I know there are a lot of things men and women can do in 30 days, but finding someone you want to marry, meeting their family and proposing marriage doesn’t seem like one that happens too often. If you don’t know why, you can go ahead and refer to my article on why men don’t want to get married RIGHT HERE. (While you are at it, you can read PART 2 ALSO). It just seems doomed from the start.

Even worse, they started messing with the formula. They started to recycle people from previous shows. Instead of Prince Charming, they started rolling out the woman who was the last to get left thinking she was about to get married at the end of the season. So you got the Bachelorette. Then when she broke off some dude who was ready to propose to her while he was literally on bended knee are ready to get married, they started booking THAT DUDE as the next bachelor. So you start getting these sensitive ass dudes who fall in love on TV, are ready to propose and can’t tell the chick they want to spend the rest of their life with isn’t into them as the Bachelor. That’s pretty much the opposite of Prince Charming.

That is the current Bachelor, Ben Flajnik. I’m pretty sure they could have eliminated most of the women by telling them they were going to win the last name Flajnik. No woman wants that.

Look at this dude. First of all, I’m hoping he sees himself on tv this season and decides to get rid of that “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” haircut.

Throw that dude in some flannel and he’d look like a time traveller from 1991 who came to present day to find a bride from the 21st century. Like a time travel version of Coming To America. (Holy Shit! I totally have the rights to Coming to America meets Back to the Future movie. I’ll call it Back to America! No. Coming to the Future! Eddie Murphy and Michael J Fox. I’ll do a futuristic barbershop scene where Michael J Fox plays an old BLACK dude. This is gonna be awesome!) See how that idea kinda works on paper? That immediately makes that completely unformed sketch of an idea better than The Bachelor.

There is one incredible thing about the Bachelor. It might be the greatest idea ever executed on network television.

The “Fantasy Suite”.

In the penultimate episode of the Bachelor; in the episode right before the episode where The Bachelor is about to propose, (Those sentences are exactly the same, but I wrote the second one for people who don’t know what penultimate means), the Bachelor is down to three women. They go on a fantasy vacation to some remote resort. They have a picnic, or go into a hot air balloon or something, have a nice dinner, then the hammer drops. They have two booked rooms when they get there, but if the woman chooses, they both get a room upgrade to an incredible suite with pre-lit candles, a hot tub on full bubble and the smells of potpourri in the air.

Essentially, it is a classy version of the “Smush Room” on Jersey Shore. It’s a sex invitation. The whole show culminates in the dude inviting the girl into a no cameras $2,000 a night hotel room so he can test the chick out before he decides whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. It is a sex act arranged and manufactured by a television producer. It is the slow version of a one night stand. It is a semi-arranged marriage. It’s is absolutely incredible. If the chick wants to win the show fall in love, she basically HAS to accept and HAS to let him get it or she runs the risk of getting sent home.

They ALWAYS say yes. Here’s the beautiful thing. This is precisely where the show breaks every time. Because the NEXT week after the Bachelor proposes and declares their true love for one woman, they get to see ON TAPE, the dude set up and bang out the other finalist two days after they did the same with her. That kinda breaks the true love illusion and isn’t the best way to start a life of trust and understanding. No dude is supposed to be banging other woman three nights before he gets engaged because he is already supposed to be in love.

So they smile for the cameras, try to make a life of love work out with a person they barely know, and it inevitably fails three months later on the cover of People Magazine.

Seriously, this show is like 2 for 15 on these people staying together, yet they get millions of women to watch the show thinking they are about to watch true love blossom. I have to give them props on selling the thing for the last 8 years on the back of a concept that doesn’t and will never work on paper.

So that is pretty much how I think the Bachelor works even though I don’t watch it.

My recommendation? You shouldn’t watch it either.

-Brock

 

When is a Dack Post Not a Dack Post?

Since Mr. Jezus in the comments let me know I’ve apparently unintentionally launched “Dick Week” without knowing it, I’ll just keep rolling with the theme.

By the way, do you think Rick Santorum knows how much he looks like a dick when he makes that face? He can’t be reviewing tape after these debates, because he makes that face the entire time. It looks like his response to every political point is “I know you think what you’re saying is important, but I know the REAL truth and you’re wrong. It’s just my little secret with myself.”

But that wasn’t the kind of dick I was talking about. I’m talking about the most disturbing picture I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying a lot, because I’ve found some crazy pictures this week. Things can be ”weird” disturbing. Where the image is so odd that it just makes your skin crawl.

Like this:

Which one is the real Drake? I don’t know. My guess is the dude in the second row in the white sweater.

Or there are things that will disturb you because they should be happy situations, but they went horribly wrong. When someone should be having the time of their life, but instead they find themselves in a situation that is too much for them to handle like this guy:

He still looks happy. But I’m not sure he knows what to do next. Her ability to hold the ceiling with her entire hand clearly demonstrates that this chick is the only female offspring of Andre the Giant. But how small is the dude? Hasn’t he figured out that it might be a good idea to lose the glasses? I think it would improve the experience for him.

But as disturbing as those last things were, this is WORSE. Seriously. It should be NSFW, but it isn’t. Only because of a technicality. Which I’m pretty sure is still NSFW, because if you have to explain as much as you would have to explain this picture, you probably are looking at the wrong stuff at work anyway. Seriously, on the UvT NSFW scale of 1-6 it swings from one side of the spectrum to literally off the chart immediately. I’ll explain after you’ve had the opportunity to see the pic.

SEE!

I’m sorry. It has an explanation built right in and it’s still awful. Most optical illusions are broken as soon as you know the secret. But this one is so crazy that you can bring it back at will. You literally have to keep reminding yourself it’s just a thumb.

Has a picture ever gone more wrong than this. It was the most innocent picture ever. A full on 1 on the UvT NSFW scale. Just some friends hanging out. It got a little silly when they both went to kiss him. Not my kind of funny, but I get it. Suddenly, the Bieber looking dude in the middle is smiling while he’s about to get tongued down by a dude and a half naked tranny. That’s not even a 6 on the scale, that is a 7…the image shouldn’t exist.

I wonder if the camera man fully appreciated the magic captured here. One step in either direction and this picture doesn’t happen.

So yeah, I’m sorry. I’d rather shorten the year to 51 weeks than have “Dick Week” here at Us Versus Them. It wasn’t my intent.

-Brock

 

Carina Damm Did You Just See What I Just Saw?

Carina Damm is apparently a MMA fighter.  She will never fight in the UFC because Dana White doesn’t like to let girls fight in his league.  So she fights somewhere else, she’s probably not as good as Cris Cyborg or Gina Carano, but she is Brazilian and she oils herself up for pictures.

It is hilarious how a little bit of oil makes everything look better.

I guess it only goes downhill from there.  I know what (most of) you are thinking.  Brock, is this chick even UvT Quality?  You don’t know if she is any good at fighting, she’s kinda thick but in a slightly scary, a little bit too athletic way, what’s going on here?  There is a pay off, trust me.

Fine, I’ll skip right to it.  This is a picture of her fighting.  Pay close attention and I guarantee you won’t be able to look away for the next 60 seconds.  You will be mesmerized.

I’ve never seen a tail with independent suspension before.  It is like it is completely detached from reality.  Like she is trained in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, Muay Thai, and ATL shake dancing.  Someone call the Whooty, her technique has been stolen.

Now that is what I call an Ass Whoopin’

-Brock

Man Up Monday Part I: Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson is one crazy dude.  This is when I think the internet isn’t a good idea, because Mel Gibson should never be allowed near a recording device ever, ever again.  That is going to make it pretty hard to make and star in movies, but at this point I think it might be worth it.

Now see, that is the dude Mel Gibson should be.  He’s in some of the greatest movies of the last 20 years.  Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, and What Women Want.  Okay, maybe not the last one, but Braveheart is still great.  Then he shifted his focus and made a ridiculous stack of loot cakes after Passion of the Christ.  He should be nothing but happy.  Especially since his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva also looks like this:

How does a woman who looks like that get famous for playing a piano?  How many “pianist” jokes and pickup lines do you think she’s heard over the years?

Well she’s not hearing any jokes right now, because check the heat Mel Gibson has been dropping on her during phone calls:

Mel Gibson: Stay on this phone and don’t hang up on me. I have plenty of energy to drive over there. You understand me? AND I WILL! SO JUST FU*KING LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO MY FU*KING RANTING. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU DO TO ME.

MG: I love you because I’ve treated you with every kindness, every consideration. You rejected … you will never be happy. Fu*k you! Get the fu*k away from me! But my daughter is important! All right? Now, you have one more chance. And I mean it. Now fu*king go if you want, but I will give you one more chance. (huffing with anger) You make me wanna smoke. You fu*ked my day up. You care about yourself.

MG: Shut the fu*k up! You should just fu*king smile and blow me! ‘Cause I deserve it

MG: Fu*k you, I so fu*king do. Because you’ve hurt me so bad. You insult me with every look, every breath, every heartbeat.

Oksana Grigorieva: I did not do anything. I apologize for nothing.

MG: What? What? You apologize for nothing? Well then you’re a dishonest c*nt! Because you need to apologize for a reason.

MG: I need a woman, not a fu*king little girl with a fu*king dysfunctional cunt. I need a fu*king woman. I don’t need medication. You need a fu*king bat to the side of the head. All right? How about that? You need a fu*king doctor. You need a fu*king brain transplant. You need a fu*king … you need a fu*king soul.

MG: I’m threatening you? I’ll put you in a fu*king rose garden, you c*nt. You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that? Get a fu*king restraining order. For what? What are you gonna get a restraining order for? For me being drunk and disorderly? For hitting you? For what?

And here’s the grand finale:

MG: Tell me that’s a message or something. Because you’re doing something. Trying to breast feed with, uh, fu*king foreign bodies in you.  Keep them if you want, look stupid, see if I give a fuck, you know. But they’re too big and they look stupid, they look like some Vegas bitch, they look like a Vegas whore. And you go around, sashaying around in your tight clothes, and stuff. I won’t stand for that anymore. Yes you fucking do, you go out in public and it’s a fucking embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers it’ll be your fault. All right? Because you provoked it. You are provocatively dressed all the time, with your fake boobs, you feel you have to show off in tight outfits and tight pants (garbled) you can see your pussy from behind.

Wait, you need the audio on that.  Mel is dropping it real casual, like this is just how he get’s down.

By the way, if you can see “the p*ssy from behind” I’m gonna go ahead and assume that ol Oksana up there ain’t working with much in the ass department.

First of all, it is clear that if Mel Gibson was ever one Inside the Actor’s Studio, that his favorite curse word is definitely “Fuck”.  Second? Who calls women “cunt”?  That is ridiculous.  Third, how angry do you have to be to just start streaming off wild new combinations of curse words?  You can go for whore, facking whore, and facking whore bitch…there is a natural progression there.  But Mel was one step from calling this chick a Motherbitching Slutcuntentious Whorebagger.  You’ve gotta work in some actual real words when you are cursing.  Someone on the internet whip me up a Mel Gibson random curse word generator, you’ve got to have every curse word known to man in these rants.

Mel, you’re rich, you’re famous, you don’t need this.  You need to smooth out and lay off the liquor and keep it in the crib while you spend that Passion of the Christ money.  You could probably kill every phone in your house, and just not leave for an entire year.  No one would really notice and you might be out of trouble by then.

Until then, you might not want to threaten beating a woman with a bat, and talk about how you are capable of “putting her in a Rose garden”…whatever that means.  Sounds like some old school mob shit right there.

Mel…Man Up and get your shit together man.  This is wild.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Roy Jones and Bernard Hopkins

Roy Jones Jr. fought Bernard Hopkins on Saturday night and it was epic.  But I’m pretty sure it was an epic fail.  I’m pretty sure this fight would have been awesome in 2001, but in 2010 it is actually just sad.  Roy Jones, Jr. is 41 and Bernard Hopkins is 45 and it looked like two old men fighting in the ring.

Sure, they are both still in shape, but after Bernard started picking Roy apart, Roy started punching him in the back of the head, committing fouls, almost started a real fight a few times and was generally terrible.  It is actually sad that boxers don’t hang it up when it is time.  I don’t even know how they made money last night.  There were only 7,000 people at the fight, and I assume there had to be at least a few people who bought that PPV.  I think people think they were still going to get this:

Versus this:

I blame the fans.  I don’t care if we are talking about the NBA East All Stars against the West All Stars, if we are talking about the 1992 teams, that game would suck.  I don’t want to see 2010 MJ and Patrick Ewing take on Clyde Drexler and Charles Barkley right now.

In fact, I’m not even sure Charles Barkley can make it up and down the court more than 5 times anymore.  And that is pretty much what happened at this fight.  Roy Jones went to the hospital immediately, and BHop collapsed in the locker room after the fight.  I assume both of them are okay, but they should have never stepped their old asses in the ring in the first place.  Everyone should have known we were really getting this:

vs this:

Meanwhile, Holyfield at 47 thinks he’s still going to unify the heavyweight belt.

That is a damn shame.  We’re about to have the Us vs. Them Challenge.  Ali vs. Foreman in 2010.  I feel like Ali still thinks he could take him.

Over the hill boxers need to Man Up and stop tricking themselves.

-Brock

Greatest Commercial Ever?

I’m not sure which country this is from (clearly not the US with all our morality po po’s running wild), but I want to move there:

Wow.  I’m usually a “no two exposed dacks in one room” kind of guy, but that’s just wild.

- Lake

——————–UPDATE—————–

Drinking out of the same bottle…that’s disgusting!

-Brock