We’ve covered a lot of kinds of cheating. We’ve covered people who cheat with women significantly less attractive than their women. We’ve covered sex addicts. But we’ve never really covered what constitutes cheating.
Because there is a whole range of cheating that really deserves some discussion.
Let’s start with the easy stuff. If you have sex with a woman who is not your wife or girlfriend, you are a cheater. That’s black and white. Everyone agres that is cheating. After that, I think things are up for grabs, stick with me here.
Now I know everyone wants to throw this directly in the “definitely cheating” category, but we have to follow the logic. If a girl considers herself a virgin until she has regular, non oral sex, then can oral sex always be cheating? So when you’re a virgin suckin dack doesn’t count, but once you give it up, it is violation number one? That’s not fair. If you aren’t cheating on your virginity, as bestowed upon you by the lord himself, can you really be cheating on your significant other? Not so easy anymore is it? Let’s call it up for discussion for now.
Let’s jump to the other end of the spectrum.
Emotional cheating: Non-contact? That’s bullshit. Moving on.
This appears to be a important carve out on the cheating spectrum. A mostly naked woman grinding into your pelvis with nothing between you and her but a friction worn bathing suit bottom seems like it could go either way. Obviously we aren’t talking any action back to the Champagne room and end up in another category…wait a minute, fackin in the champagne room is only an illusion. That’s still cool too. This is another example of how men have already won. This carve out is already set in stone. It’s a designated, demilitarized, no cheat zone, we love it. Thanks.
Kissing: This is an extension of the emotional cheating. Unacceptable in a relationship, but may not be a game killer.
I believe we have all agreed in this forum that the hand job is the saddest form of sex possible. Yet because nuts will potentially busted it is firmly under consideration and possibility for cheating. I have to say this is certainly the worst possible way to go out. If you gotta give up half for a handy, you have just made the worst bargain of all time. Also, hands are deliberate, intimate, and very intentional. Too much risk, not enough reward here, steer clear.
So where is the sweet spot? I was pondering this while listening to the inspiring lyrics of 2 chainz. Poetry if you will.
(UPDATE: after clicking that link, I should warn you it contains loud audio. While the idea of 2 Chainz erupting into your office talking about “Chestnuts” makes me laugh, I would be a dick not to add this disclaimer…which means I almost didn’t add this disclaimer.)
That’s right, Us Versus Them is endorsing the titty f*ck as the greatest balance of cheating and sexual pleasure. It is the strip club of sex. Your dack never technically enters anything. You are still in contact with the sexy…boob men have to find this appealing. And it is possible to still get a full bust. I feel like a hitting those J’s is nothing more than masturbation using someone else’s body, so go for it. Just make sure she doesn’t kiss the tip at the top of the stroke, then you move into oral sex and that’s a violation. If you want to execute this technique, you must be technically sound to ensure you remain within the parameters of our carefully constructed exception.
Feel free to use this post and the logic contained within as proper authority to try this advice. But Us Versus Them is not responsible for any consequences.
I feel like I just cracked the code on this one. I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.