Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys :) Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

http://youtu.be/3wmkVco4_IE

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.

-Brock

So You Got Caught Cheating…Or Did You?

We’ve covered a lot of kinds of cheating. We’ve covered people who cheat with women significantly less attractive than their women. We’ve covered sex addicts. But we’ve never really covered what constitutes cheating.

Because there is a whole range of cheating that really deserves some discussion.

Let’s start with the easy stuff. If you have sex with a woman who is not your wife or girlfriend, you are a cheater. That’s black and white. Everyone agres that is cheating. After that, I think things are up for grabs, stick with me here.

Blow jobs.

Now I know everyone wants to throw this directly in the “definitely cheating” category, but we have to follow the logic. If a girl considers herself a virgin until she has regular, non oral sex, then can oral sex always be cheating? So when you’re a virgin suckin dack doesn’t count, but once you give it up, it is violation number one? That’s not fair. If you aren’t cheating on your virginity, as bestowed upon you by the lord himself, can you really be cheating on your significant other? Not so easy anymore is it? Let’s call it up for discussion for now.

Let’s jump to the other end of the spectrum.

Emotional cheating: Non-contact? That’s bullshit. Moving on.

Strip club:

This appears to be a important carve out on the cheating spectrum. A mostly naked woman grinding into your pelvis with nothing between you and her but a friction worn bathing suit bottom seems like it could go either way. Obviously we aren’t talking any action back to the Champagne room and end up in another category…wait a minute, fackin in the champagne room is only an illusion. That’s still cool too. This is another example of how men have already won. This carve out is already set in stone. It’s a designated, demilitarized, no cheat zone, we love it. Thanks.

Kissing: This is an extension of the emotional cheating. Unacceptable in a relationship, but may not be a game killer.

Hand job:


I believe we have all agreed in this forum that the hand job is the saddest form of sex possible. Yet because nuts will potentially busted it is firmly under consideration and possibility for cheating. I have to say this is certainly the worst possible way to go out. If you gotta give up half for a handy, you have just made the worst bargain of all time. Also, hands are deliberate, intimate, and very intentional. Too much risk, not enough reward here, steer clear.

So where is the sweet spot? I was pondering this while listening to the inspiring lyrics of 2 chainz. Poetry if you will.

Wood grain - chestnut,

titty f*ck - CHEST NUT!

(UPDATE: after clicking that link, I should warn you it contains loud audio. While the idea of 2 Chainz erupting into your office talking about “Chestnuts” makes me laugh, I would be a dick not to add this disclaimer…which means I almost didn’t add this disclaimer.)

That’s right, Us Versus Them is endorsing the titty f*ck as the greatest balance of cheating and sexual pleasure. It is the strip club of sex. Your dack never technically enters anything. You are still in contact with the sexy…boob men have to find this appealing. And it is possible to still get a full bust. I feel like a hitting those J’s is nothing more than masturbation using someone else’s body, so go for it. Just make sure she doesn’t kiss the tip at the top of the stroke, then you move into oral sex and that’s a violation. If you want to execute this technique, you must be technically sound to ensure you remain within the parameters of our carefully constructed exception.

Feel free to use this post and the logic contained within as proper authority to try this advice. But Us Versus Them is not responsible for any consequences.

I feel like I just cracked the code on this one. I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.

-Brock

 

Come on Maine! The Kennebunk Maine Sex List

We can find our inspiration from anywhere. There are great sage philosophers who have messages that can inspire. My latest inspirational quote is from NBA great John Salley. He said “If you want something that floats, flies or f*cks…rent, don’t buy”

Spectacular advice. I mean boats and planes are not sound investments. Sex on the other hand. That’s what we really need to break down here.

Now I’m not saying prostitution is a good thing. Other than a small area outside of Vegas, it’s illegal in the U.S. so clearly it isn’t an accepted practice. Even then, there are plenty of guys who take advantage of John Salley’s advice. The whole philosophy is that when you make sex a transaction it eliminates all of the messiness of cheating on whoever you are cheating on, or soliciting sex. It is clearly strictly bitnah, no one should expect a long relationship, it should stay clean. Except it never stays clean.

This is Alexis Wright:

She’s a Zumba instructor/prostitute who was running a little one woman sex ring out of her workout studio. First of all, if you aren’t familiar with Zumba, a small glance at this particular “exercise” is evidence enough that even if this woman was not actually a prostitute, she was still selling sex.

I think that is the opening move, it gets WAY more aggressive from there…there ain’t nothing but winding and booty poppin going on in there.

So when this chick gets busted for letting small town locals get it in for cash at her Zumba studio, all hell breaks loose. The local law allows the judge to release the names of all the Johns who solicited sex so they can be publicly shamed to deter people from doing it. Did they catch one or two guys? Naaaaah. Lucky for law enforcement Alexis kept detailed records complete with secret video tapes.

Yeah Chris, she was catching these dudes on video tape.

I’m pretty sure business would have fallen off if dudes knew they were being video taped. That’s like signing up to go hang out with some kids at Chris Hansen’s house. You KNOW you’re going down eventually.

I have to say though. Kennebunk, Maine is not a big town. When word got around that a hip-winding young tender was giving “private” Zumba lessons, I’m pretty sure it was the hottest gym in town.

I know she didn’t exactly her decision to turn herself in, but keeping detailed records is a clear violation of the hoe code. We’re talking cash transactions, phones that get thrown away, fake names…hell NO names, and definitely no audio, video, pictures, webcams, stripper dust, clothing, nothing. When people perform this transaction, they want to be ghosts. That is, after all, what you’re actually paying for. They’ve already got an ex-mayor on the list…yikes.

Pro-tip: Anytime you do something you don’t want people to know about with someone else in the room, they now have leverage over you. Always a good idea to make sure they have as much to lose as you do, otherwise…

-Brock

Dear Ladies: You May Win A Few Battles, But I Have Evidence Men Have Already Won The War

When I was about to write this post about women who think it is a good idea to take stripper….errrrrrr….pole dancing classes, I thought to myself…”I can’t believe I haven’t already done this post”. Then I looked through the archives and saw that I have already done this post and it is hilarious. You should go back and read it NOW.

The pole dancing classes have not stopped though, so apparently:

1. I think too much of my own ability to change the world.

2. I can actually change the world, but some people aren’t referring to their standard issue “Team Us” handbooks on a daily basis.

3. Bitches be trippin.

4. I need to further clarify my position on this topic because I was rolling through the rough and rugged streets of LA (yes those are palm trees in the background) and saw this:

Ladies in  the greater Los Angeles area, feel free to call that number. You can tell these are creative and innovative people because the second “d” is goddess is a woman hanging upside down from one leg grabbing her 5 inch platform heel to make her body arch into the shape of the letter d. Both creative and inspiring. Because nothing says fitness and cardio health like hanging upside down from one leg.

Let’s cover the easy stuff first, let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that climbing and hanging from a pole and developing the ability to slide down said pole at varying speeds and in various positions has some sort of physiological value. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt on that, why does your “sport” require four inch tall glass heels? Why can’t women go to your gym in the stuff they wear in every other gym? Where are the tights, Nike Free’s, and sports bras? If you aren’t a stripper or training to be one, why is stripper gear required?

No one has ever put on that outfit and thought to themselves, “Time for my workout”. The only two options are “time to go take these clothes right back off for money”, or, “time to go shake everything I’ve got for this music video.” It’s also the outfit that gets handed out at the top of the slippery slope that ends in prostitution.

These classes are being sold to women as something that will teach you how to “keep your man happy”, or “get a man” or “keep your man”. It’s being sold as something that will help you get married.

Ladies if you don’t see that as a sign of the female apocalypse, you should. Do you really believe your man will not leave you because you know how to pole dance? Do you think the ability to hang upside down by one knee is a trait we are looking for in a wife? If somehow society has convinced women that acting like a stripper is the way to our heart…men have already won.

Don’t get me wrong, you will attract men like a moth to a flame. But there is no way I’m ever marrying a woman with a stripper pole installed in her bedroom. 0% chance. On the other hand, the chances I will tell all my friends I hooked up with a chick with a functional stripper pole in her bedroom? 100% Every time. Multiple times. I’m putting it on a t-shirt.

That’s how we think about it, so don’t get tricked. This also goes for women going to “booty pop” classes to learn how to make your ass clap. That’s something we want to rent, not buy. Also, if you actually make your money in strip clubs, please carry on. I appreciate you going to classes to get better at your chosen profession. Your hard work really shows up in the field.

Don’t say I’ve never tried to help anyone.

-Brock

Chad Johnson Has The Worst Week Ever #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

You want to know the new test for finding out if you had a shitty week?

Google yourself. If the first picture that pops up is a mugshot marked “3 days ago”, your week might already suck.

Chad Johnson got arrested last weekend on domestic abuse charges for allegedly head butting his wife in a fight. I hope the guy got his money’s worth. You’d hate for it to be a short little shot. He should have at least gotten in a classic Bam Bam Bigelow flying headbutt:

Or even get a big effect like that Zidane headbutt.

You know what? Googling your own name and seeing your mugshot might be bad, but there is something worse. When you picture comes up when you Google the words “condom receipt“. Yikes. Now you never want to get divorced after only being married for a month, but you definitely don’t want to go out the way Chad did. If you get caught cheating and your life is going to fall apart, get caught in the middle of a threesome in mid-stroke. Go out for a real offense. Going down for a condom receipt is like getting arrested on a paperwork technicality.

Who the hell saves their condom receipts? I guess we should be happy he got caught now instead of when he checked in at his mistresses house on Foursquare. Before he set up a Skype call from a strip club. I mean damn. I guess we should thank the hoes of America for having an all cash process. Thanks to the strip club ATM’s that report your location as KOD Bar and Grille when you are at King of Diamonds. Because if dudes are leaving condom receipts in their trunk, there would be a lot more problems out there.

Chad messed up his marriage and his job and probably a commentating deal for a box of condoms. We don’t even know if he got to use em. At least if you find a wrapper we know Chad got it in. Why is chad buying his own condoms anyway, I thought he started his own OchoCinco condom line a few years ago.

You know he’s got some boxes in the basement.

Here’s the other thing. Chad JUST got married 41 days ago. Here’s a pro tip. If you can’t go 60 days without banging another woman. You MIGHT not be ready for marriage. For other reasons, please reference these classic posts. Why the hell did Chad think he was ready to get married anyway?

Oh, right. I see a few things he might have liked.

I know everyone wants to blame Chad’s downfall on this fight, but I just want to remind people that they might be overestimating his skill level. You know all the great Chad Johnson memories you have? The Riverdance? The golf putt? The Hall of Fame Jacket? THAT WAS 1997! That was before he changed his name to Ochocinco. Chad’s time might have been up anyway.

I hope he recovers…UNTIL THEN, I’m starting a new hashtag. Hit us up on Twitter @UvTblog and shoot us your best #BecauseOfACondomReceipt tweets. Here’s one to get you started.

Wanna know what the McRib goes away? #BecauseOfACondomReceipt

It’s gonna be messed up with T.O. and Plaxico are playing this year and Chad is at the crib.

-Brock

Introducing Snoop Lion The Reggae King…I Just Hope Snoop’s Lyin’

Snoop Dogg, rap legend. One of the greatest rappers of all time. He’s been consistant since Deep Cover. I gave him a pass when he pressed his hair out. I’m willing to pretend his whole “No Limit” era didn’t exist. But Snoop has finally pushed me too far.

Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to Snoop Lion. He’ s officially given up rap for reggae music.

That’s right, so crazy only a UvT throwback pic properly captures my feelings of disgust for this announcement. You want to know when you’ve smoked too much weed? When you actually smoke so much you become a reggae artist. It’s only happened this once, so maybe Snoop has smoked more weed than anyone else in the world.Doesn’t Snoop know that no one actually buys reggae music. Doesn’t he know the only people who like reggae music are people who smoke weed and college students who want to seem intellectual in different because they listen music with semi-political lyrics…while they smoke weed?

Even more offensive, his first single.

 Of course it’s called “La la la”. Snoop has made his entire life a tribute to weed. I know reggae has a very particular sounds, but am I the only one who finds it offensive that you have to sing reggae with a Jamaican accent?
Snoop has retired from rap…even though he just dropped his last rap video just three weeks ago? I guess there wasn’t a very long deliberation about ending his 20 year rap career. Let me just make this clear, he dropped a song THREE WEEKS ago about smoking weed and inhaling through his nose.

Oh shit. Snoop is on some old DaVinci Code stuff. He left us everything we needed to see this change coming. Why didn’t we all see it? He was wearing the same shitty knit cap everyone who has ever vacationed in Jamaica bought at the airport in the video. I guess we’re lucky he’s not rocking the version with the yarn dreadlocks. I guess that would have been too obvious.

Snoop, please let this little trend last…ohhhhh…let’s say one song. I think that would be enough.

Thanks,

-Brock

 

Bob Kraft Might Be The Best Boyfriend Ever

Now see, when an older man dates a younger woman everyone thinks the worst. They always assume that she’s a golddigger, or that he’s just in it for to get at a young, fresh piece of tail and suddenly nothing else matters. It’s just not true. Look at this picture.

They  both look happy. That’s his girlfriend Ricki Lander. He’s the billionaire owner of one the most successful football franchise of the last decade. She’s…hot and her boob is coming out. But she’s also an aspiring actress, and you can’t send in an audition tape without someone to help you read lines.

Bob showed up and gave it his all. I want to show you the video, but it’s embarrassing as hell, and when you’re a billionaire apparently you can get people to pull shit off of YouTube faster than the internet can put it up. It isn’t even worth trying to track down. I’ve never seen anything like it. I will say he does get off a “F*ck you pussy” and a punch before it is all over.

Where is Roger Goodell? Where is the $50,000 fine? This is the wildest shit to hit the NFL in years. You’re telling me Pacman Jones making it rain in the club is worse than this? I didn’t see videotape of that. You’re telling me football players getting bounties to do what they were going to do anyway is worse than this? I didn’t see tape of that either. The most respected billionaire owner in the league hanging with his 30 year old girlfriend and dropping “F*ck You Pussy” on tape? That’s the kind of behavior that doesn’t properly represent the league as far as I’m concerned.

You gotta respect a billionaire putting himself out there for his lady though. He could have hit her with that Ozzie Guillen.

Now that I think about it, that would have been preferable.

I expect a stern response from the league office.

-Brock

Tom and Katie: The Scientology of Breaking Up

I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible!  It seemed like a match made in heaven.

But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?

Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.

Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.

Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.

They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.

Tom Cheated.

Tom is an asshole.

Tom is not human.

Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.

Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.

Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.

Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.

Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.

I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock