Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.


Man Up Monday: Olympic Edition

We’re more than a full week into the Olympics now. Coverage sucks in America overall, but it REALLY sucks on the west coast. We get spoiled twice out here and it is damn near half a day before we get to see anything anyone is talking about. Usain Bolt wins a race…spoiler at noon. Then NBC decides to show it on the east coast, spoilers again at 7 while everyone who already knows how the race ends STILL comments on what happened in the race. Then I get to see it about 10 hours after it happened.


By the way…when do they air the USA Basketball? They NEVER get any coverage. Anyone?

The thing that really strikes me about the Olympics is how they decide which sports are in and which ones are out. I’m down with any sport where someone needs to be faster, stronger, or jump higher. That all makes sense. Gymnastics? Fine, they need somewhere to compete. Fighting? Also good. Shooting stuff? Only because archery was a legitimate life skill when the Olympics started. Horse jumping? Not so sure about that.

But those aren’t even the worst ones. What the hell is trampoline?

How do you get into that? Is this synchronized? Why do these cats get the same medal as the world’s fastest man again?

There actually is an exception to the “faster” rule too. What about “racewalking”?

Who decided to make a race called “run, but not too fast?” Running wasn’t good enough? I’m sure these people are in good shape, but it is hard work to make sprinters…who wear tights…look like their outfits are completely legit. Those silky short, shorts are the worst piece of athletic equipment ever invented.

Worst. Ever.

Then there are sports that aren’t in. Where is cricket? Isn’t that popular somewhere? Ultimate Frisbee? Why not Olympic golf? Indy car racing? That stuff is out, but you know what is in? Horse Dancing. Also known as Dressage. (I’m going to go ahead and assume you say that fancy, like massage.

Not jumping, not running fast (if you’re gonna let horses in…why aren’t they racing again?) We’re talking about dudes in jackets with tails making horses dance. It sounds like some B.S., but that horse up there is really high-stepping right now. Does the horse get the medal or the dude in the high boots? Who is the athlete here? By the way, you want to know how rich people get down? Mitt Romney owns that horse up there. Listen to me now, Mitt Romney owns an Olympic level dancing horse. THAT’S how you know you might have a lot of loot laying around. I guess horses need jobs too.

So all these sports need to Man Up. There should be some kind of review every 4 years to kick out the sports no one should be doing in 2032. Was there really some kid sitting at home this week thinking about how they want to dedicate themselves to horse dancing for the next 20 years?

I hope not. I really do.

One thing that makes no sense that i can get behind though? Beach Volleyball is already one of the most visually engaging sports in the olympics. They already have women dressed in bikinis running around in sand. Yet, they feel the need to roll out the Olympic beach dancers. No medal, no competition, just some entertainment. It’s like having having a bikini model contest intermission during a bikini model contest.

That’s to say it’s great.

Nope. That’s an Olympic tradition that seems like it might stand the test of time. I’m thinking the 2016 Olympics in Rio might really revolutionize  the beach dancers in a few years.

Olympics…Man Up!



Man Up Monday: Dirk Nowitzki Needs To Man Down

It’s Baseball season so I’m going to have to reach back into the NBA season for this one. I was a bit disappointed in the Dallas Mavericks this season. I think they really fell off. In the finals last season, Dirk Nowitzki was completely unstoppable. People were talking best player in the league. People were talking about him being the best international player ever (maybe). People were talking about him being top ten all time (getdafuggouttahere). I will say this, respect for the dude for working on his crossover and dating the black woman.

She’s bad too. But for Dirk this was just the beginning. He didn’t just want the Black fiancee, he really wanted to get involved in the black community. First he went with the obvious stuff.

No creativity there. But that’s a good start. Why not shoot right for the top. Get down with president Obama. After this Dirk apparently watched all the classics. New Jack City, Boyz in the the Hood, Juice, Hollywood Shuffle, Friday, he just immersed himself in Black culture. The Mavs didn’t win this year because Dirk was studying all of Black History month. He just didn’t have time for hoops. But he had to show his lady he was ready to keep it real.

Then it all went terribly wrong.

You see, even part of being on the inside of the culture is knowing which pieces of the culture you don’t really have to go for. Which pieces you need to shut down. Dirk doesn’t know when to pump the breaks. He’s trying to man up to prove how down he is for his lady, but he might need to man down on this one.

Check it out.

Dear Dirk, even Black people don’t break out the traditional African gear…especially not with the hat. Never the hat dude. Can you imagine seeing this guy? He’s seven feet tall! That hat makes him 7’3″. The hat might actually brush up against the bottom of the net of a regulation NBA goal. I hear in the town he was in, people reported seeing a tiny hovering orange UFO flying through the sky.

Believe it or not, it gets worse.

He got up on that Conga line? (Errrrrr…maybe in this instance it is a congo line?). I hope it worked out for you Dirk, you really went all out. There has never been a challenge in the history of The Bachelor or For the Love of anyone that has gone this hard.

Dirk, I usually use this space to tell someone to Man Up, but I’m going to tell you to Man Down. We know you love that girl…but you don’t have to do all this. No means No man. You don’t have to go out like this. Here’s a tip, if your lady says she really needs you to go out into the jungle for a three day tour with nothing but a knife, three leaves and a canteen of water, just say “nah baby, I ain’t going no where.” That’s all it takes. I believe in you.

Dirk Nowitzki…Man Up and Man the hell Down.


Did the NBA Agreement Include Paying Turrible Players Lots of Cash?

The NBA Season just ended, there aren’t any new NBA games until November, and while the Olympic team is mildly entertaining, the trades are as entertaining as the games ever were. There are a LOT of players who probably shouldn’t get paid who are stacking loot right now.

There is a certain point where players are just trying to get a ring. That explains Ray Allen playing in Miami for $3 million a year. I’m not sure I agree with it, dude already has a ring, but it is hard to say someone shouldn’t try to get another one. But while a guaranteed Hall of Famer who holds the record for most three pointers ever is getting paid $3 million, Jeremy Lin is going to get $5 million this year, $5.2 next year and FOURTEEN MILLION the year after that. $14 Milli? Dude had, like, 15 hot games last year for a squad that literally just ran out of players.

That’s called laughing all the way to the bank right there.

I’m sure there are lots of contracts all over the league even more ridiculous than that, but if you want to see a lot of them at once, just take a look at the Brooklyn Nets. Mikhail Prokhorov is balling out of control like a REAL billionaire.

He’s slinging money like everyone deserves a max contract. Brook Lopez is tall and average, that will get you $14 million a year for the next four years. Kris Humphries is even less tall and even MORE average, so that will get you $12 million a year. I guess that quick marriage to Kim Kardashian paid off. People actually think Kris Humphries is valuable now. That are offering me $2.5 just to talk shit and clap from the end of the bench. I’m going to try to hold out if the Rockets want to pick me up as trade bait for Dwight Howard. The Brooklyn Nets are so wild they BOUGHT one of the worst contracts out there. They picked up Joe Johnson from the Hawks for $20 Million this year and $25 Million four years from now. That contract sucked when Atlanta signed it two years ago. Lebron made a “sacrifice” to get a ring, but Joe Johnson gets paid more than Lebron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh over the next four years. That’s terrible.

I guess I should have given the players more credit in the negotiation last summer. These dudes are getting paid. How much money do these owners have to be making to break off Jeremy Lin with $25 million? How is that dude going to pull down $14 million in 2014? Can I say it again? World Champion Lebron James, the first or second best player on the planet is getting $17 million next year. I like Jeremy Lin as much as the next guy, but once that NY shine is off of him he’s nothing but a point guard on a team you will never see on TV next season.

Now if they can just land Dwight Howard somewhere so we can stop talking about it I’d be happy. When is Football season? Can’t come quickly enough.


LeBron Finally Gets One…HATERS SIT DOWN

LeBron James finally got a Championship.

I’m glad no one can talk about him in the Fourth Quarter, saying he has No Ring, all of that. All we have left is his hairline people. If he shaves his head, we won’t even have that. Wait, no one is going to bring up the fact this was a short season are they? Does he need to get one in a 82 game season? That’s just hatin. I know people are going to try to hit him with a baby asterisk though.

If you want to talk about someone let’s focus on Chris Bosh. Now I know he is having a moment of pure happiness right now, but I’m sure he’s going to regret this one in the morning.

Oh man. The photoshoppers are going to have fun with that one.

You know what? I’m still gonna have fun with it. It is even worse in full motion.

I’m looking forward to seeing LeBron play without the monkey on his back though. I don’t think he’ s gonna relax and fall off.

Sorry for the short post. Working on UvT backshop business. More information next week. More surprises and big news for TeamUs.



Midweek Man Up: LeBron James

It’s Friday, but I can’t let this wait until Monday. LeBron James and the Heat got BEAT THE HELL DOWN by the Indiana Pacers. Yeah, the Pacers. In Indiana. Who haven’t been good since…they’ve never actually been that good. Sure Reggie Miller won em a bunch of games, but I’m pretty sure it was negotiated during the lockout that the Pacers suck. It is right there in the CBA. I guess they didn’t get the memo, because they are manhandling the Miami Heat right now.

That’s the other thing. LeBron is the MVP. Wade is the closer. And according to my archives and the internet, Chris Bosh is soft. Yet, the Miami Heat are completely falling apart without Bosh. Everyone was calling Chris Bosh the third wheel. He was the disposable part. He’s ridiculous, he thinks this is a sign of aggression.

That’s a sign of something…you know what, I immediately regret putting up that picture. It’s kinda freaking me out. It’s weird. But I guess that weirdness works because the Heat look helpless without him.

To add insult to injury, the Pacers are doing it in full corny midwestern style, complete with fully outdated slogan.

Gold Swagger? Really? They handed out t-shirts that say “gold swagger” to 18,000 white people tonight? Do you know how long it is going to take before those rotate out of circulation? The Miami Heat are favorites to make it to the finals, they can’t get beat by a team who has “gold swagger” as their slogan. That would never be removed from LeBron’s legacy.

LeBron, Man Up and win this damn thing yourself. If you lose to the Celtics, Lakers, Thunder, or Spurs you can get away with blaming it on being a man down. But not the Pacers. You should be able to beat them by yourself.

Man Up. Don’t make me have to talk to you again on Monday.



Come On Bruh! Amare Stoudemire and Dudes Who Punch Things

The NBA Playoffs are always entertaining, but stars are dropping off left and right. Dwight Howard is out, Rose blew out his knee, Rondo bumped a ref, Metta World Peace dropped a Jonny Bones Jones elbow and there are a few other players who are out as well. But the worst tap out of the playoffs has to be Amare Stoudemire who took himself out of the rest of the season the rest of the series by punching the glass front of a fire extinguisher.

I’m not talking “scraped up my knuckles”, I’m talking “Just had surgery today”. Nice job Amare, way to earn that $100 million. Can we break down how Amare got here? First of all, I can’t trust any dude who decides to grow his cornrows back in 2012.

That should have been red flag number one that Amare isn’t all there. He really is rocking the shortest cornrows possible, like he couldn’t wait to bring em back. Second problem?

All dudes have been watching the UFC and think they know how to fight now.

Dear Amare, those are workout gloves…not 4 ounce fighting gloves…even if you do have your shirt off. Also, you are making yourself vulnerable to the single leg takedown with that horrible stance. I don’t care how many pay per views you watched, you aren’t a fighter.

Third problem, who the hell are the dudes who get mad and punch walls? I know they are out there. I’ve seen em. I think punch the wall dude is right up there with drink so much I blackout and don’t remember anything dude. I understand getting worked up and losing it, but there should always be a little layer of awareness that should always be present. I don’t care how drunk I am, I know what is going on. I don’t care how mad I am, I’m not trying to punch through a wall.

If you ask me Amare discovered the Knicks sucked, realized they were about to set the record for most consecutive playoff losses, and couldn’t wait another two games to go on his vacation so he hit the eject button.

The only thing that can save the Knicks now is the return of Jeremy Lin, the Jets lending them Tim Tebow, Willis Reed coming out of the locker room, John Starks driving the baseline and Jeff Van Gundy hanging from Lebron’s leg.

The Knicks are done. At least they will still be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Here’s to Melo sitting out with an upset tummy in 5…4…3…2…actually, Melo will probably show up and think he’s hot for scoring 43 in a Knicks loss. The Knicks have problems man.


How UvT Works: Last Night’s NBA Game

I was writing that Rodney King post last night as I was checking the Clippers vs. Grizzlies game while watching Game of Thrones. What can I say, I’m a multi-tasker. So the Clips were down by 30 with a quarter to go and the commentators went to “What else can we possibly talk about, because we’re pretty sure no one is watching this” mode. The ass whoopin was so bad, I even pulled this pic for Man Up Monday: Part II.

It is Clippers vs. the Grizz so no one really cares, but that comeback was spectacular. When they cut it down to 15 with 6 minutes left, I was wondering why the commentators were still going with the “there is something the Clippers can learn from this” routine. Seemed like plenty of time left to me. Sure enough the Clippers came all the way back and stole the game from the Grizzlies. I was about to post last night, but realized people still don’t care about the Clippers vs. the Grizzlies. Plus, I had the wrong picture. I did see the dude I would have pulled if I wanted to write the post though, I just didn’t have the heart to stand up and snap a pic. So I bailed out on the whole thing.

But this dude is so horrible I had to bring him back. So I don’t want to Man Up the Memphis Grizzlies, I specifically want to Man Up this dude.

This guy was sitting in the arena a full ten minutes after the game ended. His headband says “Believe Memphis”. He really looks like he doesn’t know how life will go on. He should be wondering why he thought it was a good idea to rock that yellow headband when he left his house for a game. Seriously? I know it sucks but your team is Memphis and it is the first game of the first round of the NBA playoffs. You aren’t winning shit. When Duke lost in the first round this year I didn’t like it, but we weren’t gonna be holding up the trophy this year so I let it go. Unless he put 10G’s on the game down at the riverboats before the game, or he is the little brother of Bryant “Big Country” Reeves (which looks like it could be the case), he needs to let it go.

New York Knicks guy thinks he needs a better attitude.

Ha. Man Up!