Assology: WTF?!?!? Edition – Sophie Turner

Meet Sophie Turner:

I know what you are thinking.  Brock, why are you hitting us with a standard issue blonde?  Who the hell is this chick?  Well if you don’t know, now you know.  Sophie is an Australian Supermodel and I knew there was a reason I always thought the Australians had good taste.  They appreciate a real woman, I woman who just doesn’t cover the basics.  I know you can tell by the title that this lady is something a little special and this one snuck up on me.

You know I can’t give you everything at once.  We’ve got to warm up to it.  As an assologist, I need to explain why this is a WTF? Booty.  In the classic pre-baby Christina Milian Triple-Tuck, the legs let you know they are going to end in greatness.  In the “ass so fat you can see it from the front”…well that explains itself.  Sophie here looks like a chick who is athletic, probably sporting a set of fake J’s, and if I had to guess from this picture alone, I’d suspect that she might be rocking a Fail Tail from the way she’s really poking those hips out and using the hand to lock in the waist to ass ratio.  But boy was I ever wrong.

I considered ending the post here and letting that ass speak for itself.  I will pause to let you stop for a minute so you can really reflect on what is going on here.  Take your time.

You done?  Take one more look…I’ll wait.

In the name of Mena Suvari, is she SERIOUS?  I don’t even know what is going on in there.  That ass explodes out of nowhere.  There is no hip-assist on that joint either.  That is pure tail right there.  The fabric of the dress doesn’t even know what to do.  It just puckers up in her lower back.  In fact her lower back is the only place on that dress where there is any slack at all.  And that dress is tight as hell.  This is not an anomaly people, I found her in another dress that does the same thing.

Yup, still there on the left side too.  Even her shadow has tail.  She knows what she’s working with too.  Check out her quote. “Mine’s real! It’s pure Aussie goodness!”  If that is what Aussies call goodness I need someone to put a strip on the barbie for me, I’m on my way.  I’ll ride Oceanic flight 815 if I have to.

One final test.  Is it still tight in a bikini?

Yes, and hell yes.  It is legit.  Sophie is officially on the watchlist.

Shout to my man H8torade for putting me up on this chick.


Dania Ramirez is UvT Quality

I don’t know how I haven’t gotten here sooner, but Dania Ramirez is bad as hell.

And I’m not just saying that because she has an excellent side J game going.  I know I’ve seen her before, but that dress definitely made me bring her to your attention right now.

In my imagination, that J on my left (her right) has been set free.  I promise I see nip.  I can.  If you can’t see it, you need more UvT vision.  But you know I’m not a J man, let’s check the tail game.  I’m jumping right in with angle 2.

Nice work and respectable back arch.  She’s looking good, but then I saw this…

Is it possible to have booty on the right side and no booty on the left?  Has the ass disappeared?  It that a right cheek Us, left cheek Them booty?  Binary booty? Right cheek 1, left cheek 0?  This all hurts my heaad, the assologist will have to analyze it again later.  Until then, we will have to go with Angle 3.

There, that looks good again.  She looks soft, I wonder if Ciara is offering dance lessons…  We could create an army of booty poppin, beat ridin, cooch grindin, bull buckin, freaks. Can anyone hook that up?


Assology 107: Epic Ass Featuring Kim Kardashian

Usually the tenets of Assology demand that I only discuss a certain type of ass.  Assology 101 covered the basics. The Negative Arse, the Muffin Top, and the Athletic Ass, and the Stacked too tight in those jeans ass.  Assology 103 covered the Unexpected Ass…like Mena Suvari.  But Kim Kardashian just showed up in some pics that deserve a post of their own.  There are only a few great asses in history.  Just a few that have withstood the test of time. Pam Grier dominated the 70’s. J.Lo held down the late 90’s.  Britney Spears revolutionized White girl tail in 2001.  Now we are in the era of Kim Kardashian.

Is she serious?  I might have to call this the Dan Patrick Ass.  You can’t stop it you can only hope to contain it.  Now she knew good and well when she left the house that bathing suit had no hope of containing that ass piece.  That picture has her looking better than ever too.  There are a lot of angles of Kim that don’t do her justice.  She had slipped a few notches in a couple pictures that came out over the last year.  But she is looking fit and ready to rock.  How about that Us Versus Them Angle 2?

I really can’t believe what I’m seeing right here.  This is a unretouched paparazzi pic and she is still hitting Us with that superflat stomach game?  That is what makes this ass epic.  Once in a generation.  Standard setting. In fact, I have to admit that Kardashian’s J’s really round out the whole package.  I mean, she isn’t even wearing high heels!  Can you imaging if she was an attention whore like Heidi Montag and faked all her beach shots?  I know what the haters are gonna say, that blue line on her stomach looks blurry and a little too crisp.  What about that close up angle 2 to prove em wrong…

I’ll start with the stomach game because it is real proper-like.  She must stay up in the gym just workin on her fitness like Fergie, because this chick is coming with that flawless body right now.  Now that tail?  We might need to start a federal investigation into the science of gene splicing and inter-species mating because I think Kim Kardashian’s mom might just be that half-reindeer that Nelly was talking about.

Now I know this post is about ass, but I’ve got to share this one too.

Look, this chick is clicking on all cylinders right now.  J, stomach, hair, shoulders.  She’s making it happen. I guess once she broke up with Reggie, she had to tighten the game back up.

So there it is, the Epic Ass.  Who will be next?  Who will step up to represent the perfect ass for the next decade?  Who will break through the clutter to become a pop culture reference just for that tail?  I don’t know, but you can guarantee I’ll be there.  I need a close up of that Dan Patrick one more time…

Maaaaaaan, Ray J wasn’t hittin that right!  The fatter the berry the sweeter the juice.


UvT Quality: Ke$ha

I’ve got some new heat for Us Versus Them.  Now, I heard this song in the background a few times, but when I really put it in the lab, I found out Ke$ha was really bringing that heat.  Let’s just run this Tik Tok as soundtrack to the rest of the post.

Now when I heard the line “errrrybody gettin crunk, boys tryin to touch my junk” I had to see what ol girl was working with, and that is when your boy Brock the assologist knew we had a damn winner.  Let’s take it from the top before we get to the good stuff.

Like Rob Dyrdek/Bobby Light says, You’re a Dirty Girl! A Dirty Girl!  I mean she looks like she just rolled out of my crib after a solid wrasslin match with Brick, and just grabbed one of my t-shirts afterward.  But then she rolled out to the beach on it and she showed us everything she was working with.

I’m not gonna give it all to you at once though.  First, let her do it with the t-shirt on.

There is the dirty girl at work.  Getting her lion on.  Now let’s make it wet!

I like how she is bringing back the 80’s with the high cuts on the hip.  Let’s you know that thigh game is popping out there in the right side.  I hate that her calves are in the water so we can’t see if she is working with the patented UvT Triple Tuck, but I like where she’s going.  How about that angle 2?

She’s dressing in all black trying to play with our emotions, but the Assologist can’t be tricked by the camouflage.  I see that back arch leading right into that tail arch.  If her shorts didn’t have a mullet, I’d be able to see that last little crease too.  But no worries, she’s about to hit that water again for the money shot.  The interns really put in work this time.  Get a load of Angle 3.

I don’t know why the thong went out of style, but I’ll take what I can get!  I mean she’s got half the cheek out, hips pumping on the sides, booty crease locked in.  I’m going to need a close up.

Whoo-wee, I can’t take it anymore.  The lawd is good, he knows what I want.  I can’t take it anymore, I’m gonna have to keep my eye on this Ke$ha character.  If she keeps on bringing the heat like this, she’ll be UvT Lady of the year in no time.


Erykah Badu Is Back: And Her Back is Back too!

People on Twitter and hitting me on the email have been positively clamoring over the new Erykah Badu “Window Seat” video.  I was wondering why, and then I heard she got buck naked in it.

so you know I had to watch…

I don’t know about you, but I felt a little cheated by the blurryness.  Does anyone have the BET Uncut version of this?  I mean, I thought Erykah was from the earf.  Organic nuts and berries and all that shit.  The body is natural and beautiful, can I get a titty?  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the thickums tail game at the end in the draws, but all that booty couldn’t have been NSFW, we could have handled some side booty without the blur.  We’re all grown ups.  At least have the uncut version behind a click through on the official website. In fact, I’m gonna run the only part of the video that matters…

I’d buy the album, she’d be the most famous music artist overnight.  She’s getting attention because she got naked at the site of the JFK assasination, and she didn’t even show anything!  Can you imagine if you drop some screen caps of J and tail with it?  Controversy with a generous helping of ass and sexy?  That is what cultural phenomenons are made of.  (and dreams)

So to make up for it, I’ll just post more of that Badu tail game.

and don’t forget…

Or that crazy outfit from Jimmy Fallon.  I’m just gonna drop a booty montage of that ass, on that ass…

Yes, Andre 2000 popped back up because he can’t believe he left that ass.  Badu is putting her bid in for tail of the year on that one.  By the way, did anyone hear any of the words to that song?  I didn’t.  Not one.


Brandy: I Think I Still Wanna Be Down

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned here at least once that my boy Lake has a slightly unhealthy Brandy obsession.  He is still waiting for her to make an appearance in Kang Magazine or make a late Playboy run like Stacey Dash where she gets completely buck naked, but until then we will have to settle for what we can get.  So Brandy was running, or hiking, or something up in the mountains of California and she decided to wear some tights for the activity.  It was just enough to let us know she’s all grown up.  Now you know my style, I like to save the bangers for last, but she simply can’t hide that tail in these.  So straight to the heat.

I’ve got to start with a no draws angle 2.5.  She looks fit too.  Also, did she actually get cuter?  I remember early Brandy looking a little Predator-like.  Her eyes were too far apart, her head was too big or something.  I don’t know, but it wasn’t right.  She’s really giving it to the camera right here.

She’s working it from the other side too.  Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve also already spotter two tattoos.  I didn’t know Brandy got down like that.  You know the analysis wouldn’t be complete if the Professor of Assology didn’t hit you with Angle 2.

Now that is not a Darryl Dawkins, Chocolate Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam back there, but she is doing some really respectable work.  It almost makes me forgive the Norwood family for giving the world Ray-J…almost…not quite.

How about a close up?

That shot alone was the inspiration for this post.  I mean that is ItzDatDude, black history month worthy right there.  I know people think it is about the crease, but that front thigh to tail transition is really doing the work right here.  Goodness, I’ve already said too much.

Now normally I wouldn’t go all the way back out to Angle 3, but I’m gonna run it anyway.  First, to show she is rocking the tramp stamp.  Second to let you all know why I’m more of a bowlegged guy than a knock knees guy.

Now I know there is someone out there who really loves this shot.  But it all seems too sloppy to me.  I know this is probably mid hip switch, but something ain’t quite right to me.

True story, I was floor seats at a basketball game when the Suns were in town.  This is back when Brandy was dating the most traded man in basketball, Quinton Richardson.  So I’m sitting there, minding my own business, when I see the craziest damn shoes I’ve ever seen in my life.  I mean horrible.  Does anyone remember the fuzzy version of the UGGS?  When women were walking around looking like abominable snow creatures?  So I see a bright pick version of these and I can’t really believe what I’m looking at.  So I can’t stop looking.  I don’t even look at the chick with them on at all until I see an aggressive neck shake.  So I begin to scan up and lo and behold, it is Brandy.

I guess she thought I was star struck, but I was just turrible choice in gear struck.

So maybe now that Brandy and I have a personal connection, she’ll hit your boy back like Princess Leia.  And we’ll get the pictures Lake has been waiting for…


J-Lo Still Works Angle #2

If UvT existed in the late 90’s, I’m pretty sure every other day we would have been dropping these.

JLo was a force of nature.  I’m talking Diddy JLo, not Ben Affleck JLo and definitely not Mark Anthony JLo.  Can you take a moment to look at that picture up there?  I almost forgot about the original Looty (Latina with a Booty) But last night she was at the Oscars and it gave us a chance to see if she’s still got it.  Let’s check it out:

Is it no “scarf and some draws” Grammy dress that she wore in 1999…

But it will do once we get to Angle 2.

Dammit, that is the wrong Angle 2.  I can’t tell if the dress is hating, or if her husband is the hater.  He’s out there trying to keep the fluffy side of the dress toward the camera, knowing she’s packing heat.  But I will not be intimidated by those ridiculous shades, his gang signs, or his lopsided bowtie.  Us Versus Them will not be stopped.  Out interns know no bounds, and we get the shot dammit. Angle 2!  The other angle 2!

She’s still got it people, once it was revealed, men on the red carpet bowed their heads in homage to that ass.  Jennifer Lopez is classic UvT.  I might have to run a full homage on this one.


Shout to @coenthusiasm on twitter for the request.  You don’t follow UvT on twitter?  You’re missing out on some of the good stuff.

American Apparrel has a Winner!

I talked about the American Apparel contest a few weeks ago and the time for submissions is over.  Of course if there are any women who feel the need to enter a best bottom contest, please feel free to let me know.  But here is the winner for the internet voting.

Dammit, I can’t argue with that.  This young lady calls herself “bang bang” and the name must refer to each of those cheeks.  That tail game is a beast if this is not retouched.  Goodness that is fabulous and the people have spoken.

While the rest of the contest pretty rapidly deteriorated into “skin it to win it” as fast as a wet t-shirt contest in Cancun, there were some other mostly covered bad ones in there.  If you want to see the full results, you can check it out here.  But here is another one in the top 5.

Once again, Dov Charney is in fact a genius.  I think I know what the “winners” get.

They get to meet the boss.