Nike Gets Into the Tail Game

Those of you who follow me on Twitter already know I’m an undercover sneaker head.  I’m not a crazy color cat who will cop these:

Although I’m sure rainbow colored, green gel bottomed, patent leathered out toe Nike Dunks are hot somewhere, they aren’t hot on the feet of your boy Brock.  But I do own a pair or 3 of Nike Dunks.  I’ve copped some high end Pumas, I keeps a rotation of Adidas Gazelles, Campus, and the occasional Y-3.  Designer Converse…yup.  But those who know me, know I’m a Nike loyalist all the way through.  In college my favorite mode of transportation was a pair of  AirMax 95’s (I’ve recently updated with the 24/7).  Jordans were always in the rotation (although they had a few rough design years in there), The Gary Paytons with the zipper were a beast, the original Jason Kidd’s stayed in the rotation for a long time, everyone had a pair of Rodman’s with the backwards check, The Pippen II was well preserved and in the rotation until about 2003, so I’ve stacked these kicks like bricks at the crib.  I’ve tried to break the habit, but I will still cop a pair when I see something hot.  Hey, there are worse vices than that right?  It’s not like I’m addicted to women’s butts and drinking straight vodka…oh…wait.  I gotta get my life right.  Later.

Anyway, Nike has gone all Sound of Music on me and put together an ad that has me singing “These are a Few of My Favorite Things”.

Big and round like the letter C indeed.  I’ve never seen Nike go all athlete and sexy at the same time though.  Usually the athlete is sexy part, but the cut off beater, the hand wraps and the killer tail game is new.  I want to go ahead and mark this as a turning point of the evolution of American Ass Culture.  Let’s remember that 15 years ago, the ass pictured here would be the opposite of the one depicted.  That ass would mean that you needed a lot more work.  The desired tail and the top selling exercise video was this one.

“Sculpting and Toning” is code for “Flat and hard”.  But thank God (I’m sure Mr. Jezus will be accepting this thanks on behalf of his Dad in the comments) for evolution.

Side note for those of us deep in the Butt and Nike game.  Remember that they tried this in 2008.

Yeah, I’m in way too deep, but I’m not mad at em.  Both are spectacular.

-Brock

The Ten Ass Commandments

I’ve done it.  I’ve completed my magnum opus.  I’ve written a lot, but nothing has summarized my life’s work like this.  Assology all boiled down in one place.  Inspiration struck and I brought the message back to Us Versus Them.

I present the Ten Ass Commandments.  For those of you not familiar with my inspiration, please press play and follow along below with Notorious B.I.G. Ten Crack Commandments.

Enjoy.

I been in this game for years, it made me an animal

An assologist, I wrote me a manual

A step by step booklet for you to get
your game on track, don’t check for an ass that’s wack

Rule nombre uno: peep that ass on the low
Never get caught staring, cause you know
The booty cheeks breed jealousy ‘specially
if her man peeps you, then your ass is through
Number two: muffin tops are not a good move
Don’t you know Big Girls are packing fats round their cracks
Butt blends into their back (uh-huh)
You can squeeze mad cheeks of these freaks but they waist ain’t straight.

Number three: never trust no-boo-ty
These hoes’ll gel that ass up, properly pumped up
Fluff that ass up, for that fast butt
she got silicone in the tights to hype that ass up

Number four: know you heard this before
BBD was right, don’t trust big butts and a smile,

Number five: never trust females with a fail tail
I don’t care if they got big J’s , say no way

Number six: that damn Booty Pop, Stop
You think those pads are real back, you’ll regret it

Seven: this rule is so underrated
The ass and the thigh should be completely separated
Jeans might make it look real sweet, but if there’s no real crease
Find yourself a big draws beast,

Number eight: White chicks can have tail too,
Kim K and Mena Suvari got a mean angle two,

Number nine shoulda been number one to me
If you a fail tail you’re not for UvT (uh-huh)
If you ain’t packin cakes, you can’t chill with Lake
And Brock don’t even see ya, you are just a zero

Number ten: stay up on Assology
A life philosophy, a law not theory
If you don’t understand then you gotta go
Cause that’s what we’re talking rain sleet hail snow

Follow these rules you’ll always stay on Team Us
If not, you’re Team Them, you’ll never be with us
You’ll hear AHNT when we see ya, you can never shake us
And you can never take Us, ain’t got ass so
Your girl want’s to talk her J’s up, heard in three weeks
she went from an A to a D Cup

Heard they’re good fakes, and she can make em shake up

but she’s a fail tail, so the J’s ain’t enough, word up, uhh

-Brock

Booty Pop: This is a Crime Against Humanity!

I realized last night that this had become unintentional ass week here at Us Versus Them.  That is different from Assology week, which was two weeks ago, or Ass appreciation week which occurs every week where the moon rises in the southern sky, whenever it rains, any week when Kim Kardashian leaves her house, and any week where my boy Lake Arlington calls up and reminds me to keep it real.  So yeah, as Ian pointed out in the comments…pretty much every week.

But dammit this has gone too far.  I’ve been running an investigative report on the Booty Pop underwear for the last 6 months.  I’m like the Chris Hansen of investigative booty reporting.

So I’ve been feeling on random bootys, testing the viscosity, trying to detect the subtle differences in viscosity (yes I did) between the padding and the arse cheek, using sonar technology I’m able to identify a booty pop from 20 paces.  Now I’m ready.  I’m ready to arm Team Us with the information they need to help lead the resistance against this diabolical foe.

Let’s start by staring the enemy in the face.

This is your basic booty pop.  They really went all out and found a real fail tail to work with.  She really has no ass at all.  Now in the field you are going to want to notice two things.  First, they’ve got the pads up high and tight, second, the booty pop is not capable of creating the classic booty crease.

Now let’s take a look at when they look like in action.  First jeans.

You can see our foe is doing things previously unknown to man.  The Booty Pop, along with it’s diabolical sidekick photoshop is putting up a viscous fight.  Those of you who have been through assology university will notice that the booty is super high, and there is a slight dip coming through the pocket.

How about a dress.

Damn you black dress.  how dare you take that angular 120 degree booty and try to attach a booty up high in her back piece.  These things can’t look right in action.

First…did she say bootylicious?

If you are standing there with one leg forward, yeah maybe you can recreate a reasonable facsimile of the good lawds greatest creation, but if you stand up straight it just looks like you are smuggling two George Costanza wallets in her back pockets.

Stay strong Team Us, the enemy is pervasive, next time we will tackle the silicone monster.  Here’s a little homework.  Would you rather encounter the booty pop in the wild and get her back to the crib before you find out she’s a fail tail, or roll up on a chick with ass implants that look like this?

One good thing about America though…Asian booty technology is still no match for ours.  The asian fail tail is too strong, and they are still trying to overcompensate.

-Brock

Rosa Acosta is still UvT Quality

I can’t take it.  Did someone announce Tail week at Us Versus Them without me knowing?  It is like shark week on the Discovery channel but with booty.

Rosa Acosta was first discovered by Us Versus Them last year when she really brought the heat.

Check out the original post here.

Last week during the world cup, she brought her soccer swagger.  But this week she gets back to the basics.

Unlike Kim Kardashian, Rosa Acosta brings the obvious J game to the forefront every single time.  The the stomach and the hips are stupid.

The she can turn around and give the people what they want.

Can you believe this chick used to be a ballet dancer?  What dance company was she in?  The Dominican Thickness Dance company for bottom heavy girls?  Does she still have any of the ballet skills?

Apparently she does.

Does she know how to rock the money shot?

Apparently she does.  I haven’t seen a woman looking like she is being chased by a booty monster like that since Serena Williams was out surfing and had a giant humpback whale following her to the shore.

Can she get her Claude Van Damme on?

I guess she can get her “Lawd Got Damn” on.  That is completely unnecessary right there.  Who is responsible for booty shine?  They should get a bonus for the work today.

All the Us Versus Them faithful know I can’t leave you without that Angle 2.  If you’ve been reading the comments you know that the interns of UvT have been working on a new internet search engine that can find and organize all the angle 2 shots on the internets.  We’re still tweaking it, but it didn’t fail us today.  Interns!  Show us the results of your labor!

Yeah.  That’s right.  Job well done.  I’m a freaking diabolical genius.

-Brock

Carina Damm Did You Just See What I Just Saw?

Carina Damm is apparently a MMA fighter.  She will never fight in the UFC because Dana White doesn’t like to let girls fight in his league.  So she fights somewhere else, she’s probably not as good as Cris Cyborg or Gina Carano, but she is Brazilian and she oils herself up for pictures.

It is hilarious how a little bit of oil makes everything look better.

I guess it only goes downhill from there.  I know what (most of) you are thinking.  Brock, is this chick even UvT Quality?  You don’t know if she is any good at fighting, she’s kinda thick but in a slightly scary, a little bit too athletic way, what’s going on here?  There is a pay off, trust me.

Fine, I’ll skip right to it.  This is a picture of her fighting.  Pay close attention and I guarantee you won’t be able to look away for the next 60 seconds.  You will be mesmerized.

I’ve never seen a tail with independent suspension before.  It is like it is completely detached from reality.  Like she is trained in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, Muay Thai, and ATL shake dancing.  Someone call the Whooty, her technique has been stolen.

Now that is what I call an Ass Whoopin’

-Brock

Kim Kardashian Never Ceases to Amaze

I don’t know when Kim Kardashian made her deal with the devil, or how she is able to rise to a new peak of sexy every 4-5 months but she does it somehow.  I’m not going to question my own eyes.  This is not a studio pic.  This is a woman walking into a wedding over the weekend.

The first thing Kim wants to do is remind us that she’s not all booty.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…she has a highly underrated J game.

But let’s get to the main event.

See how I crossed you up and hit you with that angle 3 first?  In 2011, I’m going to launch Us Versus Them in 3D so you can see the way this tail is coming out of the screen at you right now.  You would be ducking and dodging at your screen right now trying to make sure you didn’t break your nose on that ass.

Maaaaaan, Kim really is half reindeer.  This isn’t a full on Angle 2.  That ass to thigh transition is killing the whole game right now.  I know, I know, she has ass implants.  Well if it is true, the technology is progressing at a rate previously unseen on our planet.  Booty implant technology just went from the wheel to the airplane to the space shuttle in the span of two years.  Arthur Clarke has three laws of prediction.  The third is:

  1. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

If that is some sort of technology, I’m going to go on believing it is magic until I’m proven wrong.

Interns…The time is now.  Please reveal Angle 2 to the people.

See, even Kim knows what angle she’s giving to the people.  And yes, there is only one thought going through that dude’s head “I’m working…don’t get caught looking at the ass, don’t get caught looking at the ass, stay focused, eyes on the horizon.  He must have seen Applewhite get caught looking at Jessica Simpson back in the day, because he is keeping his game tight.

The hook on that tail is becoming more ridiculous every day.  I hereby dub it the “Halley’s Comet Booty”, she’s been blessed with a once in a lifetime event.  The dress is tight as hell and just buckles into submission in the small of her back.  That is the second time in two weeks we’ve seen this phenomenon.

Kim needs to get her dresses custom made to deal with this unique problem.  Until then we can all sit back and enjoy.

-Brock

Assology: Mullet Booty

Now people are gonna think I’m wrong for this, but it has to be done.  What you have to realize is that this is a half compliment.  Mary J. Blige has a Mullet Booty.  What is a mullet booty you ask?

Business is the front:

Now let me make this clear…Real Love dropped in 1992.  That was 18 years ago.  18 is a long ass time.  Now Mary looks good to me.  Thighs are smoothed out, waist is tight…other than that rose on thigh I like it.  But then the mullet booty comes into play.

Party in the back:

Awwwww Mary!  What happened?  How does it stay so tight in the front and lose so much in the back?  Why is that bathing suit all gripped up on the booty piece?  Just battling for respectability back there.

My bad Mary, I still love your music though.  Okay, not really since like 2003, but you cool with me.

-Brock

Classic UvT: Assology 106: Aw Hail Naw

Assology Week is coming to an end, but I’m still bringing you two classic posts to hold you down through the Holiday weekend.  I’m back on Man Up Monday and I’ll be all rested up and ready to bring the heat.  Until then, check out an instance where admiration of the booty goes too far.

Assology 106 – Aw Hail Naw.

-Brock