March Madnass 2012: Assnosis Division

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VOTING CLOSED

Round one of March Madnass is now underway. You can vote a total of 8 times below, but you can reload it and vote again if you want to.

Vote early, vote often. This is going to be a hot one.

Assnosis Division:

1. Claudia Sampedro [video]

16. Tammy Torres [video]

 

2. Vida Guerra [video]

15. Emily B [video]

 

3. Carol Seleme [video]

14. Amber Rose [video]

 

4. Sofia Vergara [video]

13. Nicole Mejia [video]

 

5. Rosa Acosta [video]

12. Jesikah Maximus [video]

 

6. Padma Lakshmi [video]

11. Jessica/Miss Rabbit [video]

 

7. Tahiry [video]

10. Freida Pinto [video]

 

8. Meagan Good [video]

9. Christina Milian [video]

VOTING CLOSED 

Assology: The Power of Assnosis

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I know the classic Assology posts have been few and far between. Please rest assured that the important work I do as the worlds leading authority on the Assological sciences and the broader theory of Tailonomics has not slowed down. I will be offering Assology classes in the Spring with a certificate program for those who qualify. You can begin taking old classes online with Assology 101 HERE.

I’m here to announce an important discovery. It is a danger not only to those who have devoted their lives to the study of Assology, but to society as a whole. Any man, at any time can fall victim.

I’m talking about Assnosis.

Assnosis is defined as the phenomenon of being completely hypnotized by a passing ass. It causes distraction, lack of focus, temporary neck twisting, tunnel vision, and in cases when you are driving or operating heavy machinery, even death. Let’s examine the issue.

Here is a classic case of Assnosis. Notice how he doesn’t even know what is going on in the room around him. His jaw has gone slack, his eyes have gone glassy. This man apparently didn’t leave this position and come to for several minutes after the ass in question had left the vicinity.

It can happen to anyone, even stars. Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal at a Lakers game.

If he doesn’t get his act together, he’s going to go sliding right down those stairs. Danger to himself and those around him. Assnosis is real. There isn’t any elaborate set up, no swinging watches or soft talking to lull you into a sleepy state. A pair of wonderful butt cheeks can show up and you can be stunned into Assnosis immediately.

Of course there is the classic Chris Rock photo.

Chris walked right into a wall right after this picture was taken. He had concussion-like symptoms for two weeks.

Assnosis is real. Protect yourselves. The best thing you can do is stay prepared. By spreading awareness, I hope to save a few lives.

-Brock

Man Up Monday as soon as I can keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes.

 

JLo Is A Tease

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Now Jennifer Lopez is a booty icon from way back. She’s been bad for a long, long time and she can still really bring the heat.

You know what the fellas here at Us Versus Them want. They need that Angle 2.

Wait a minute. The cameraman didn’t think it was a good idea to take one step to the right? Wasn’t he checking his shots as he went? Or is J.Lo’s tail so large that no matter how far you stepped to the right you couldn’t get to the curvature of the tail. Maybe, it’s like the curvature of the Earth. J.Lo’s ass is so big, you can’t see where it ends so it appears to be flat. Maybe the photographer needs to launch into the stratosphere to get the right shot.

Wait a minute, I just found the money shot.

Propped up on the table no less.

That’s still in the tail piece hall of fame.

-Brock

 

Rihanna has the Best Vacations Ever

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I believe I’ve finally reached the point where I actually enjoy Rihanna’s vacations more than I enjoy my own. Why? Because she tweets out bikini pictures that are better than any photoshoot she’s ever been in. Like this:

Just hanging in the water, ass out, about to get her surf on. Gotta love an international superstar who is still willing to break out the butt cheeks for the whole world. Haven’t seen JLo’s butt cheeks since the mid 90′s.

Or this one:

I believe this was captioned “shaking it up to Rick Ross”. I’ve never liked Rick Ross’s music more than at this moment.

She even hits the gym on vacation.

If I ever hit the hotel gym and this was waiting for me the workout would be cancelled.

Yes, she had a third swimsuit in the collection.

I include this picture only because Chris Breezy and I have seen this pose before…somewhere…hmmm…

So here’s to my best vacation ever. Love and kisses.

-Brock

 

2011 UvT Awards: UvT Quality Chick of the Year

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I have to admit, this is my favorite category in the UvT Awards. And, since I know what most of you degenerates searched for when you found Us Versus Them, I know it is yours too. (FYI the top 5 searches this year are for Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Allison Stokke and Kate Gosselin(?) followed by ‘big tits’. Team Us is a classy bunch)

Also, in 2011 we introduced March Madnass.

We fielded 64 women from all levels of fame, notoriety, and uhhhh participation in various forms of video entertainment. (That link is level 2 out of 6 on the UvT NSFW scale, sheeeeeit, this whole post is gonna run about a 3.5 on the UvT NSFW scale…you’ve been warned.) But March Madnass was a little off to me. I really think half the voters thought the purpose was to vote for the woman with the largest ass possible. Laura Dore was the runner up:

I can’t argue with the people on that one. It is like the voting for MVP. Is it the most valuable player on their team, or is it the best player on the best team? In that case, Laura Dore is clearly one of the thickest chicks playing for Team white people and is one of the reasons I adjusted the White Girl Tail Scale (WGTS™) to a perfect 9. But the voters (barely) got it together and went for an all time superstar, Stacey Dash.

A fitting winner any year.

Amber Rose dropped a new nude pic like every 3 weeks, which would usually win you this award, but I’m pretty sure she outweighs her man by like 20 pounds, so that’s a little weird for me. There was also Suelyn Medeiros who I thought was going to roll to at least the final 8, but pretty much got clipped early. She also released a sextape, which usually allows you to take this award home, but it was so staged and average, I didn’t even talk about it. I mean, I also didn’t watch it, because I never watch those things, but that is what I was told when I wasn’t, you know, watching it.

And you guys are searching for “Kate Gosselin”? I need to do a reader poll. Maybe my readers are MILF lovers who don’t know you can LITERALLY FIND ANYTHING on the internet. Why are you searching for Kate Gosselin? There is so much specifically perverse stuff on the web, there are simple everyday terms I’m scared to search. Like “tailpipe”. I’m NEVER typing that into Google.

So it is time for UvT Quality Chick of the year. There was one woman I talked about more than anyone else on this site this year. She is the essence of pure sex in its raw form. She won in 2009, and she is now a 2 time winner.

Rihanna.

Before you protest (and Before ItzDatDude in the comments hits me with five level 6 NSFW links of thick Asian chicks in the comments) let’s discuss the terms of UvT quality. That tattoo running down her hip is UvT Quality, that ridiculous stomach game peeking out of that shadow is UvT quality. The fact that she takes pictures like this on vacation is UvT Quality.

The fact that she’s on all fours on a boat with her ass sticking in the air…well, you get the point. She made me understand that Kadooment Day might be my favorite holiday of all time based on this:

Any holiday that has an international superstar backing it up in full regalia, in broad daylight, with a drink in her hand she clearly doesn’t want to spill is my kind of holiday. Her new album has a chorus on one song that is just “I love it when you eat it”, and an interlude that ends with “I wanna fuck you right now”.  She’s got that X-Factor and it’s great. Ri-Ri, go on ahead and celebrate. You are the 2011 UvT Quality Chick of the year.

Hey, far be it from me to tell you how to celebrate. Congratulations.

-Brock

 

 

 

Man Up Monday: People Who Live Anywhere Cold

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It’s that time of the year. People are starting to break out the heavy coats and hats. The snow hasn’t hit full force yet, but you know it is on the way.

I’m here to talk about something should be obvious to you. I actually don’t understand why more people don’t think this way. It confuses me. It bothers me. When I think about it, it makes me feel like the world might not be a rational place. It is all based around one simple principle best illustrated by the following few pictures.

That is not reasonable.

Neither is that.

Look, I say all that to say this. In 2011, no one needs to live anywhere where either of those things are possible. There is no reason to live in a place where you need to wake up an hour early to go outside and shovel just to get your car out of your garage. When you go outside, it should not be painful. You should never end up looking like this.

People in Michigan actually go “Up North” for vacation. You’re telling me you live in one of the coldest states in the country and when you get a few days off you are going to chase colder weather? You are on vacation. Change it up a little bit. The only people who should live in a place where it is 5 degrees outside for weeks at a time are people who want to have mountains named after them and Bear Grylls. That’s your company. Bear Grylls. A dude who drinks his own piss and snacks on raw dead zebra. Living in cold weather should be filed right there with extreme sports. It is completely unnecessary.

I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all before. “I’d rather be cold than hot. I can always put on more clothes, but you can only take so many clothes off”. You know what? Screw that. That’s bullshit. That’s why our forefathers and the good Lord invented air conditioners. They come standard in every car you buy and they even make ‘em for houses. You can cool off anytime you want to.

I know my history. Back before refrigeration and ice…you might die if it got too hot. It was way easier to build a fire to warm up. I get it. It had to be miserable to be hot with no way to cool off. Seriously, Alabama in 1800 had to smell like armpits, sweat and swamp water. That’s not good. Now, things are just fine.

You like to be outside in the snow? Here’s a little reminder from your 8th grade science class. Elevation cools things off too. You don’t have to go north if you can get up high. If you work it right, you might get snow when it is warm enough to still wear short sleeves.

Doesn’t that look glorious? (For the record, 1,1,0,1,1,0)

You want to know what the real Man Up moment is here? I’ll make a concession then my point. Here’s the concession. There are certain places in cold weather that are very specific. Maybe you have a unique job, or you are in school somewhere. Fine, live in Minnesota, just remember to get out when you have the chance. Here’s the point, and here are the specific people who need to Man Up. If you work in the Applebee’s or at the Barnes & Noble in North Dakota? You are killing yourself. They have those everywhere. There is nothing keeping you there. Take your ass to go sling books in San Diego, find a way to get a job as a waiter in Miami. Man Up and make the move to make your life better.

It is the only reasonable thing to do.

Man Up. This has been an Us Versus Them service announcement.

-Brock

Never Underestimate the Power of the Party Girl

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It doesn’t matter if you are in the club, at a house party, or at a bar, Party Girl always helps. She’s easy to find too. Her war cry is “Woooooooo!” and she can usually be found in the middle of the room,on tables, she stays in the mix.

She knows how to get the party started. You need this chick. She doesn’t ever have to be the sexy one and, honestly, most often she isn’t. The sexy girl is too busy in the corner getting free drinks and getting hollered at. Party girl is out there getting so drunk she doesn’t really care what else is going on anyway. She’s just in the middle of the room filling up space and making it seem like there is a lot more going on than there actually is.

But there is a party girl who can take it to the whole next level. Naked party girl.

That’s hilarious. Some girls just always want to take it to the next level. It’s like a constant Girls Gone Wild episode. You never know when she is going to just break out and end up running around in nothing but underwear. This chick just went all out though. It looks like it was actually a nice event too. Everyone is dressed up pretty nicely, but this girl is so comfortable with her body she just wanted to get naked for the picture. Hilarious. I’m sure it is some college semi-formal and she just needed something crazy for the Tri-delt of University of Texas Facebook page.

She’s got a nice little body though. Respectable J game, looks like she’s got a little four-pack working in the abs, and you know your boy Brock loves a strong hip crease. She’s so wild she’s got a nice color to her with no tan lines. Probably likes to get buck naked outside too.

You know why I love the internet though? Naked Party girl never strikes once. This is a lifestyle. I had the interns do a little research to see if they can track more shots down. We got a angle two or something in there?

Wait a minute. Wait a got-damn minute. Oh. Oh no. This isn’t Naked Party girl. THAT WAS AN ARM?!?! The hip crease…nothing but an elbow? I can’t take it. Does the fact that we thought that arm was a hot naked chick make the arm sexy?

I know half of you degenerates were checking out that chicks arm a few minutes ago and you would have hit it. That girls arm was a 1 on someone’s binary scale. You know who you are. I want you to spend some time this weekend reflecting on your life and personal preferences this weekend.

It will be okay. We will still be here on Monday. You can always scroll back up to the first pic and pretend like none of this ever happened.

-Brock

In Case You Forgot: Rihanna Is Sexy

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Rihanna has a new album coming out next week, so you know what that means…she is showing up half butt naked all over the internets. There is the official stuff like being named Esquire’s Woman of the Year. I’d like to point out that she was UvT Quality chick of the year two years ago, because I’m ahead of the got damn curve, but you already know that.

Personally, I like the candid shots myself. Not just level 5 on the UvT NSFW buck naked camera phone joints either. Rihanna has evolved, her personal shots are classy now.

I’ll take two orders of the Saltinbocca. That tongue is completely gratuitous by the way. That’s not even the good stuff though.

Does Rihanna do wind blown tail shots?

Yes she does.

How about ridiculous poses of her smiling at you on all fours?

She’s got that covered too.

Side note, that hip tattoo has been killing me since she got it.

Finally, we find out why Rihanna doesn’t have a male assistant. Because if anyone from TeamUs had this job, Ms. Ri-Ri would have a lot more than a thong wedged in that tail piece.

That back arch is top 5 right now. The girl isn’t even trying. She’s just on vacation getting a little sunblock sprayed into her ass crack. I’ll know I’ve made it when I get to hire someone to spray sunblock into my ass crack.

When I do, she’s not gonna look like one of Mike Lawry’s ladies though. Haaaaaaaa! My bad, I had to get one in after all the action in the comments from last week.

-Brock

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