Carnival Triumph: Cruisin’ for Some Losin’

Have you ever been on a cruise? It sounds great. Jump on a boat the size of a small city, hit up three or four different islands on one trip. They let you gamble. Food is in. Drinks flow. Pools and entertainment everywhere. In reality, there are only windows around the outside of the boat so it means there are a gang of rooms on each floor that are just tiny little metal boxes. That food seems great on day one and two, then by day three you pretty much can’t eat any more of those chicken fingers. That’s on a cruise where everything goes well. That brings us to the Carnival Triumph.

First tip. If your cruise leaves from Mobile, Alabama. You might not be on the best ship in the fleet. So the Triumph was on the third day of a four day cruise A WEEK AGO when there was a fire that knocked out damn near everything on board. You know how it sucks to have a power outage in your house when you are on dry land with all your stuff. Imagine no lights in the bowels of a cruise ship? Do you know how dark it had to be? Or how hot? Or what it must smell like when they hand you a red biohazard bag to drop a deuce in?

Oh hail naw. And as terrible as that is, it’s got to be the worst to be the guy who has clean that up. Because you know when the people on that cruise were finally set free they weren’t exactly responsible for their own red bags. They need to wrap the whole boat in a red biohazard bag. It was so terrible people wouldn’t even stay below deck, they just built their own tent city out on the deck.

Now when you are in the middle of the sea, and there is no electricity, and no running water, and they can’t move the boat, and they can’t really feed you, and no one is coming to help you, how do you think you feel about that gigantic boat staying afloat.I have to imagine everyone on this boat thought they were going to die, pretty much 24 hours a day.

So what does Carnival do to make it up to people? Refund for your trip. (No shit.) Travel home (You did get people back to Mobile, Alabama a full week late) $500 cash. (Let’s consider that the low ball offer. You made people shit in plastic bags and eat onion sandwiches for five days) And of course, and here’s the big one, A CREDIT FOR ANOTHER CRUISE.

You might as well say you’re handing out unicorns because there is about a zero percent chance anyone is cashing those in. What assholes. They better break out the $5,000 in cash quickly before the lawsuits start coming down. You don’t give people the worst experience of their lives and make it up to them by offering to let them do it again. You give them some loot to say I’m sorry and hope they don’t upload all those terrible pictures to instagram.

So if someone offers to take you on a Carnival cruise. Think twice. They might be trying to take you out, Titanic style.

-Brock