The Inauguration: If Mitt Romney Won…

You know Mitt Romney thought Monday was going to be different. He just knew he was going to win the election and get sworn in. I’m sure he didn’t watch any TV yesterday, because it was impossible to avoid the swearing in ceremony, the recap of all the balls, and grown people somehow thinking it was reasonable to talk about the dress Michelle Obama wore. Mitt really thought it should have been him.

So it got me thinking, what would the inauguration have been like if Mitt Romney won? It would have been a lot different. Let’s start from the top. President Obama looked truly happy yesterday.

I saw Mitt Romney for a solid two years while he was running for President, and I’m pretty sure this is the happiest he can get:

That’s his million dollar smile. Actually that’s probably his quarter-billion dollar smile. It’s really the only one he’s got.

Now it gets tricky. No one really brought up the fact Mitt Romney was a Mormon during the election. But I’m thinking the Bible probably wouldn’t have been his book of choice during the swearing in ceremony. You know Mitt doesn’t do anything halfway. Any copy of the Book of Mormon won’t do. Mitt would be rocking his very own recreation of Joseph Smith’s golden plates. Made out of real gold.

The only downside is that they would have been a bit heavy for Ann Romney. You know two or three of his sons would have helped him out though. Which brings us to our next difference. Obama had Michelle, Sasha and Malia, Michelle’s brother and Mom and that was about it. The Romney’s on the other hand…

If the whole family was up there, there wouldn’t have been any room for the Supreme Court, ex-Presidents, any members of Congress. I think they would have kicked off some kind of Romney family hunger games to see who got to sit up on the dais with Dad. I think the only guarantee is gigantic Romney on the far right. Everything else is a toss up.

Time for the speed round:

- For Obama’s inauguration, Joe Biden was surprisingly contained…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Paul Ryan would have gone shirtless at some point. Even in the cold.

- For Obama’s inauguration, there was a celebration with a few hundred thousand people, complete with pop stars, a 21 gun salute, and parties all over the city…If Mitt Romney won, his belief in a small government means the ceremony wouldn’t have been such a big spectacle. Just Mitt, his family, a few members of the Tea Party, and a few of Mitt’s closest millionaire friends.

 - For Obama’s inauguration, Beyonce sing the National Anthem…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Mitt would have just called this dude.

Stirring.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Barack Obama gave a shout out to equal pay for women, gay rights, immigration and ease of voting…If Mitt Romney won, he would have asked everyone to turn in their health care cards in exchange for guns. Then he would end his speech with “y’all bitches on ya own”.

- For Obama’s inauguration, there were stars everywhere. James Taylor, Alicia Keys, John Mayer, Eva Longoria, Katy Perry…If Mitt Romney won, Mitt would have just invited Manti Te’o to the Inaugural ball…you know, because he’s guaranteed not to need a plus 1.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Kelly Clarkson sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”…If Mitt Romney won, yeah, Kelly Clarkson would have still been singing “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”. For sure.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Karl Rove is no where to be seen…If Mitt Romney won, Karl Rove does the Gangnam style dance at the Commanders ball in a money green suit while Big Oil makes it rain.

Karl Rove REALLY wanted that win. I’m pretty sure he would have celebrated in style. That might have actually made it worth it…nah, even that wouldn’t be worth it.

It isn’t often we get a peek into an alternate dimension. I think now that we know what could have been, we can all agree we’re better off.

-Brock